Boyfriend complaining about our sex life

[zeldalover]

I've been with him since September. In that time twice he has complained about the lack of sex, and by lack I mean when its been 2 weeks since we last had sex. Not only is he saying I don't find him attractive but he's messaging a previous girl who he's slept with about our sex life and problems, and quite frankly I feel betrayed because that's the girl he slept with when he cheated on his last partner. We're now arguing about it and I've told him many times that I just don't enjoy sex and that whenever I do it, it just really hurts no matter how many times I have sex. He says he's not with me for sex because he would of dumped me by now apprently but how can he expect me to sleep with him when all we have done for the past 2 weeks is disagree and argue at each other! I have to feel content and loved up in order to sleep with someone, not all of can just have sex when we please. Anyways I don't know what to do because I do love him, but he makes me so angry when he does this.

[Anonymous]

Lets cut the crap! yes, men love sex, its in their nature. There is nothing wrong with that. But whens the last time he has done something romantic for you? something that makes you want to satisfy him? From my perspective he is insecure within himself, reason to why he is chatting to his ex mistress and most likely why he cheated on his ex girlfriend. There is no reason for him to be messaging the girl he last had sex with, no matter how insecure he is. That is complete and utter disrespect. I have been in the same situation, early on in my current relationship. He was honest about responding to his ex's messages and even when I confronted him about it he continued. I eventually snapped and gave him an ultimatum, if you continue "talking to her and playing this game your, I'm out , because its not like i won't find anyone else" (he was clearly using her a scape goat incase we didn't work out) (she was a two faced skank anyway) or he can commit to me. He shit himself and finally put his priorities in check. Point being, no matter how much you like or love somebody don't put up with it. There is always going to be challenges within a relationship but don't let his insecurities effect the way you feel about yourself. Don't lower your standards for anybody. True happiness comes from within. I believe people come into your life for a reason, either to touch your life in a special way or teach you valuable lessons. Be confident in who you are, trust your feelings and don't be afraid to make changes in your life because most of the time it works out for the better. Honestly unless he turned a total 360 i'd be telling him to the left..

[Anonymous]

I totally understand how arguing with somebody takes away your urges to sleep with them, however since you guys are arguing about sex that says that the problem didn't start with the arguing. The first female answerer had a very good advice about seeing a doctor or a sex therapist if you're having big problems with sex. This isn't something you want to stick with you for a lifetime because like the guys have pointed out: men have needs. And like somebody else said there are other things you can do to keep him please besides sex. If you go the rest of your life without ever wanting to have sex it will probably be a lonely life, plus you're missing out on some fun stuff when once you start enjoying it! ;)

However I more concerned about something else and you're probably not gonna like it. Your boyfriend is very likely to cheat on you I hope you realize that, he has all counts against him. He's cheated before, he's complaining about you to the girl he cheated with, he's paranoid that you'll cheat, and he doesn't get enough sex. Maybe you realize it too I don't know. But it sounds like you know something isn't right between you. Maybe that's partly why you never want to have sex with him.

[zeldalover]

I have realized this, but thank you for your concern!

[strwbrygenie]

I think your reaction is normal. Guys talking to their friends about sex is normal ,but them talking to their previous partners about YOUR sex "problems" is just plain rude. We put to much emphasise on sex. If you don't want to you have no obligation or duty to him to have sex. If you think that it will make or break you guys then maybe he isn't worth it. You need to find someone who you are happy being with because every time you see each other it won't just be for sex. That isn't a relationship that is just a hook up. If you feel pressured to have sex to keep you together than you will always feel that way. You may just have to move on. But either way remember that it is NOT your fault. A relationship is between two people and it can never be just one person's fault. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Is romantic love unconditional?

Would it be right for a woman to stay with a man if he beats her?

Would it be right for a man to stay with a woman if she starts throwing plates and breaking things every time they are out together?

Would it be right for a woman to stay with a man if she felt unloved? (i.e. her needs met?)

Would it be right for a man to stay with a woman if he felt unloved? ( i.e. HIS needs met?)

And yes many men equate having sex to feeling loved. And obviously he does otherwise he wouldn't have brought up the fact that he thinks you think he's unattractive.

This question reads like its a man complaining that his girlfriend wants to leave because he beats her.

Sex is that important to men. Unless you realize that you're not going to find any man to want to stay with you.

Even in religious marriages when they wait until marriage to have sex, if she stays a virgin during the wedding day, you think that's going to fly?

OR even after the wedding day, you only have sex that one time? you think he's going to be happy?

I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

It's not normal for sex to hurt, you should seriously try figure out why - either you or he may be doing something wrong technique-wise, or maybe you should ask a doctor or sex therapist, or google it or something.

Sex is very important to men, you're extremely unlikely to find a guy who will just accept something like 'sex hurts I don't want to do it'. It's not just the physical, but sex is also a primary emotional bond and expression of love with a partner. He will basically feel not just physically unfulfilled but unloved.

@"I have to feel content and loved up in order to sleep with someone"

Should I have to feel 'content and loved up' before I'll consider fixing the blown gasket on my wife's car? No, I do it because I love her not because I love fixing cars... sometimes we do things we don't want to do for the sake of our partners or for the relationship.

[dtaijo174]

I left a girlfriend after 4.5 years together because she the action got less and less and less despite my asking. He is going to leave you if he is already saying things this early in the relationship.

I agree with the girls, go get yourself checked out.

[phil100]

let him leave you if he is like that. I would not even go crazy if my girlfriend didn't want to have sex for me. sex is not always about love

[Hjominbonrun]

He has a need which should be fulfilled within the bounds of marriage. Outside of that, he has no right to insist on the need being fulfilled.

[zeldalover]

Well he cheated on his last 2 serious girlfriends and constantly thinks I'm going to cheat on him when I'm not. If anyones going to cheat, its definitely going to be him.

[superdudeman]

Thats right its defiantly going to be him. Cheating usually means having sex with someone else. And since you hate sex why would YOU do it? And since he's not getting it from you, he's probably going to get it somewhere else, and most guys wouldn't blame him.

[Clair]

LOL, you have NO obligation to have sex in or outside of marriage. If sex is a big issue for him he has the choice of leaving. DO NOT under any circumstances feel you have a DUTY to please him. Think about pleasing yourself, and your man will follow.

[Hjominbonrun]

If the need for a marraige to be sustained is for a man to have a sexual partner, then the marraige breaks down. A woman does not have to have sex with a man, and he does not have to stay faithful or married.

[Clair]

He doesn't HAVE to stay faithful you're right, but it's still a d***ish thing to do. Just leave her.

[zeldalover]

Thanks Clair :)

[superdudeman]

"DO NOT under any circumstances feel you have a DUTY to please him" I wonder what would happen if men thought the same thing about women. I.e. not paying for dates, not taking care of her needs in any way shape or form. "im sorry honey, I'm not going to listen to you cause I don't have a duty to please you." I think you DO have a duty to please each other in relationships, or the relationship dies.

[Anonymous]

Not wanting to have sex or not feeling in the mood isn't sexual dysfunction. Your function in a relationship isn't to provide sex to a man. Sex is definitely a big aspect of relationships, but not being in the mood when he's being an asshole isn't dysfunction. It's healthy.

You need to take care of yourself before anyone else. He is doing the same thing. If this relationship is even remotely healthy, you should feel like you have enough agency to not have sex when *SHOCKER* you don't want to have sex. He has no right to make you feel guilty. You don't have to please him as often as he wants. Sure, it's going to mess with him. Sure, it might hurt his feelings because he needs sex to feel love. That's fine. He'll be ok. It sounds like he needs some time not having instant gratification anyway.

And if he texts that person again, dump his ass. He has some serious maturing to do. As do many of the people commenting on this thread.

[Anonymous]

The worst that will happen is that he will leave you. You just have to figure out if he's worth keeping.

[Anonymous]

Complaining to that girl is really d*** of him and I wouldn't trust it. But I think you should get yourself checked out and telling him you don't enjoy sex will make him unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Did you explain to him you were sick and wsn't feeling the mood?

[zeldalover]

Yes I did.

[Opinion Owner]

then he needs to get over it cause honestly, you weren't feeling well, plus you had all that other stuff going on. he needs to be more understanding

[Anonymous]

If you are really feeling tremendous pain, I would recommend a doctor, I would also recommend seeing a sex therapist. Not for your Boyfriend, but for you. Also, if you don't have sex for long periods of time, you will find that your body is VERY irritated after sex. Do you masturbate? If not, you need to start, and it's a good idea to do it WITH your boyfriend when you start feeling comfortable about it. Also there is nothing wrong with purchasing toys that you can experiment with on your own. Also, there is female friendly p*rn, that may help you increase your sex drive. I recommend all this for YOU. NOT him. You should enjoy sex, and if you don't know how, you should learn how.

I believe that him speaking to his ex shag is a very big betrayal, and he's a d***, but it's up to you how you want to deal with that.

[zeldalover]

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Youre not going to agree with me, nor are you going to like what I'm going to tell you but its the truth.

The problem is with you.

It takes about 10 minutes on average to sexually please a man.

And you don't have to do it with penetration.

And if you are having those kinds of problems there's always lube.

Most men are simple

Food+Sex+sports=happy.

I would do the same thing if I were him.

And of course he doesn't think you find him attractive, otherwise he thinks youd be sexually turned on enough to sleep with him if you did.

Goto a doctor and get checked out, there are pills you can take for sexual disfuction.

You also probably have really low levels of testosterone.

And if you don't get this fixed you are going to continue to have this problem no matter what guy you date.

Unless the guy has no genitals.

[Anonymous]

I'm siding with him here. You don't give him nearly enough sex and turn things around and make it his fault. No honey, it's your fault.

[zeldalover]

Its not my fault.

[Opinion Owner]

Keep telling yourself that

[Clair]

It's not her fault, he has the choice, leave or stay, speaking to chicks behind her back and quilting her into a shag is wrong.

[superdudeman]

So its his fault because he's the only person who has the choice to leave? So she cant?

[zeldalover]

No I can leave when I choose too, its just the fact he's gone around messaging a girl he had sex with when he was with someone else, and he had sex with her that time because his last girlfriend wasn't "providing" for him. So he went off with her.

[Opinion Owner]

girls, stop making excuses for your short comings OK. Healthy sex is part of a healthy relationships. If you don't like it then it's your problem. Stop blaming guys for all your crap.