Sexual Health
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Can someone be neither dominant nor submissive by nature?

I'm a virgin, so obviously no experience to speak of yet, but I find it strange that the idea of being the dominant one/in control with a guy (like even as far as f***ing a guy with a strap-on) really turns me on and at the same time the idea of being the submissive one with a guy really turns me on too. In theory might be a lot different than in practice though. I don't know if I'd be better/more fulfilled in one role or the other, but can a person switch between them and it be equally good? It'll be fun and interesting to find out myself, but just wondering if this is common or if most people identify as mostly dominant or mostly submissive. Are there people who really enjoy and are comfortable in both roles? Maybe when you get to the extremes of either it's rare, I don't know.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • I can switch and they are both good. But before I had sex, it wasn't like that.

    When I was a virgin, I thought I was a natural submissive: all about it seemed great, I loved the idea of being told what to do, to be forced to say the stuff I wanted to be done to me but was too embarrassed of saying them, I loved the idea of someone calling me slut and telling me I was only good for sex, of demanding me to tell them whose slut I was... And to be tortured with pleasure, forbidden to orgasm, until I screamed and screamed and begged and begged to be f#cked. Hard.

    Stuff like that. Being tied up, being blindfolded, being forced to take it all in when doing a blow j. , having him cumming on top of me and smearing it all over my face and/or body just to let me know how much of a slut I was... and it went further than that: I also was interested in a bit of pain in the middle of all that: being slapped in the butt, in the face, being whipped, scratched, bit ... You name it, I pictured it, I wanted it and I already had it or will have soon...

    But, what having sex made me realize was: I was really a natural submissive and I wanted all that and more. I came to therms with my rape fantasies (FAKE rapes; that's why they're fantasies, not saying that rapes are good things!) and my pain related ones and my boyfriend also has a huge dominant side to him, that matches my submissive one perfectly. We're experiencing our SM sides currently... And that's going awesomely well too ;)

    BUT I DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD A SUBMISSIVE SIDE TO HIM TOO.

    I was kind of lost, I had no fantasies regarding me dominating a man, I had no clue about what to do or what he meant by "I want you to dominate me too". So I had to ask for "directions"... and I went along with it, because it seemed like he was dominating me into dominating him XD .

    And I discovered I liked it! I don't like to talk when I'm doing that, so he can't talk either. I just make it clear about what I want him to do to me, how and for how long, with no words. If he does not get it, then I get an excuse to punish him. That turns me on big time; I like to know he's not being pleasured because I don't want him to be.

    He cheats: he's not that good a submissive XD. But we have good times switching roles.

    I'm submissive by nature, but, with time, I am feeling inclined to be dominant too, and am getting to know that side of me too. I like both things!

    Sex is different from what we virgins think it will be. I only lost my virginity last year XD but I've always been interested in it -- I was the virgin of the group, but the one with the tips for the non-virgins about sexual stuff XD. Still, now I know sex was not how I pictured it and that it is really hard to be a dominant if that is not something you're comfortable doing.

    When the time and the right person comes around, try it out and see what side of your nature is the strongest. But that doesn't mean that you can't switch to the other whenever you want to ;)

    • Thanks, that was very insightful.

  • most people are fluid.theres a huge discrepancy between what people feel obligated to say they are and what people actually are when they feel like no one is judging.

    sex, relationships, anything in life where you can only be one extreme , is pretty boring and unnatural and fairly rare.

  • A single person who likes to Dominate and be submissive is called a switch in the BDSM community. I wouldn't label yourself until you have some experience, but I'd say you're pretty normal.

    • A switch, huh? Thanks for the term. You're right though, I'll leave the labeling for later.

    • fetlife.com can give you ideas for what you might want to try and stuff and by going on the forums you can learn a lot about all the kinky sex you could dream of.

    • Great, sounds like my kind of site lol.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Normally I would ask how far you're looking to take this but if you're talking about using a strap-on on a guy it's pretty clear how far you want to go.

    I enjoy switching roles myself, I get turned on by both and can perform well in both, the biggest problem I have is finding a partner who likes the same "style" that I do. Do you know how you would want a scene to play out? As in, if you were the Domme how you would act towards your sub or if you were the sub how you would want your Dom/me to act?

    That got a little off topic lol, sorry, but yeah, a person can switch between roles and be equally good in both.

    • Theoretically, yeah. I've fantasized about it in both roles so many times. The problem is I don't have actual experience with it, and I feel like a Domme needs to have confidence and really know what she's doing. I guess we all start somewhere though. I'd work my way up to some of the things I want to do/try, and I think some more experience will tell me what I really want.

    • The best educators were students once, there is no shame in starting at the bottom (literally lol). Now, I'm not sure how seriously you take this stuff (judging by some of the things you've said thus far, you take it quite seriously), but there is such a thing as being trained to be a Dom/me. You take on a submissive role, but not in the traditional sense as a full submissive if that makes sense.

    • Yeah, I have no problem literally starting at the bottom. I think I'd thoroughly enjoy that lol. Honestly, I'm not sure how seriously I want to go about this either. I'm willing to explore and try some new things to figure it out though. That idea itself is exciting. Being trained to be a Domme sounds intriguing. I'll check it out and maybe think about it as a possibility down the road. Thanks.

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  • I think there are people that are comfortable in both roles. My girlfriend and I have done bondage with both of us being the one tied up and both roles have turned me on.

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 1

  • using a strap-on on a guy seems VERY dominant to me lol. you can definitely switch between both. :) I'm both but not to the extreme you're talking about

    • "I'm both but not to the extreme you're talking about" Too bad lol.

    • lol why? are you a fan of the strap-on persuasion? I just figured most guys wouldn't really be into that

    • Most aren't, but there are some who do like it, and yes I am one of them lol. Are you saying you're not into it because you wouldn't enjoy it or you believe there are too few guys who would enjoy it?

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  • I'd say that I'm both. I enjoy being in control sometimes, and I enjoy her being in control sometimes. Not really into pegging though.

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