Dating With Herpes: Why This Shouldn’t Stop You

[Anonymous]

Herpes: The word itself seems to make everyone cringe.

What is it about “herpes” that makes everyone so uncomfortable? Obviously no one wants to be diagnosed with herpes, but in reality, it’s not THAT bad of a problem to have. Think of it this way, herpes won’t kill you. It may occasionally cause a few unpleasant side effects, but in reality, herpes is simply a skin condition. Though statistics estimate one in six people have herpes, being diagnosed is still devastating and opens a new chapter of unwanted challenges.

For those of you who disagree with my theory, I don’t blame you. What I’ve learned over the years, however, is the stigma of herpes is actually much worse than the virus itself. How do I know this? Well that can be explained through my five-year misdiagnosis with the virus.

THE DIAGNOSIS AND MISDIAGNOSIS

I was twenty years old when I was told I had herpes. It’s safe to say this is a statement no one wants to hear, so of course when my doctor told me, I burst into tears. She rubbed my back and told me it would be ok, but from that moment on, I thought my dating life was over.

Though a year ago I learned it was a false positive (traumatic twist), spending five years of my twenties thinking I had a virus I didn’t actually have, doesn’t change the fact I still faced all of the conversations, relationship woes, backlash, and hate that many girls face dealing with this. I’m sure you will say I have no idea what it’s like to actually have herpes, but whether or not I had physical symptoms or if it lasted forever, I definitely faced all of the same challenges in the dating and social world. After all, my doctor diagnosed me with the virus for five years.

THE RUMOR

I’m sure most of us have heard (or even said), “I heard she has herpes”. Putting it into perspective, I guarantee that girl didn’t make a PSA announcing she had herpes, but whether she confided in one person or someone started a rumor about her, a herpes rumor is one of the last rumors to die.

I think everyone is entitled to keep certain things to themselves, and since I wasn’t sure how to handle my own diagnosis, I decided to keep it a secret. I felt it was no one’s business other than my own. Unfortunately for me, one of my “close friends” found a prescription in my room and told everyone I knew that I had herpes - within one week of the doctor visit. I don’t know how it happened, but over the five year span, about half of everyone I met had “heard” about my herpes. Weird, right?

Though you may not realize it, “herpes jokes” are quite common in our society. From movies to social media to conversations with friends, one-liners hating on herpes have become almost as common as blonde jokes (I’m blonde, so it’s ok for me to say that). Though they may roll off the tongue, listening to a group of people mock a virus you secretly deal with is incredibly painful.

DATING

Despite the jokes from society or b*tchy comments from girls (those are brutal), the most heartbreaking part of dealing with herpes is in the world of dating. You are faced with the debate of when to tell your partner, how to handle the conversation, the acceptance or rejection, and more. Think it sounds awkward? Initiating the conversation is even worse than it sounds. Trust me.

One of the hardest parts about telling your partner you have herpes is the timing. Telling a partner too soon may make him run away without giving you a chance, but waiting too long can make him feel like you “tricked him” or betrayed him. Though taking medication and using protection can help prevent the spread of herpes, it’s best to be upfront and honest if you are hoping to start a relationship with someone - especially for the foundation of trust in the relationship.

Unfortunately for me, my rumor beat me to the punch on many occasions in the dating world. Many guys crossed me off before giving me a chance. In the relationships I did pursue, guys would often find imaginary symptoms then yell at me for giving them a disease - which after a quick trip to the doctor, they would test negative - safe to say those relationships never lasted. If rejection wasn’t bad enough, my self-esteem was also crushed with comments such as:

I don’t want to jeopardize my future with someone like you.

I deserve better than you.

You’re a slut.

I deserve to sleep around with lots of women before ruining myself with you.

.. and my personal favorite: I could sue you.

[Which always made me wonder: Would you sue me for not telling you on the first date I had herpes? Would you sue me for NOT giving you herpes?]

THE BRIGHT SIDE

Despite the pain, rejection, and pure humiliation, not all of my dating experiences “with herpes” were negative. I learned a lot about the kind of guy I needed to be with, and I learned a lot about myself. I learned to recognize the difference between a guy looking for a relationship and a guy looking for a fling. I learned that waiting to hook up with a guy actually makes relationships stronger and more meaningful, and I learned guys respect me more when I wait. I learned that most guys will be devastated when you tell them the news, but I learned the guys who stayed to listen were the ones worth my time: the ones who cared to hear my story, to ask questions, to do their research, and to simply consider a future with me. Life isn’t always perfect, so it’s important to find someone who doesn’t walk away the second things go awry.

Most importantly, I learned that herpes really isn't THAT big of a deal. Since one in six people have it, and 80% of those people don't even know they have it, herpes is actually common. It's easy to feel isolated and alone with this condition, but a lot of people you may even know are dealing with the same condition. With preventative measures and educating yourself and your partner, research shows it's possible to continue a normal dating life without passing it along to your partner. Just remember, honesty is key.

Though my misdiagnosis evoked an extremely emotional, hurtful, and eye-opening five years, I am thankful for what I learned. I dated a lot of wonderful guys, and going forward, I will never reject a guy I could see a future with simply because of this condition. Try not to be too quick to judge a person who is honest and upfront with you. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone their flaws, so if you care about someone and could see a future with them, at least listen to their story. You might realize it’s not such a deal breaker after all.

A diagnosis doesn't define you, so don't let it stop you.

[Stacyzee]

Great article !

What people don't understand is that , the biggest pain of being diagnosed with an incurable disease is not the pain of the disease itself but rather peoples ignorant attitude towards it
80 percent of the population is infected with oral herpes (as you mentioned).
20 percent of the population is infected with genital herpes.
This doesn't even take into account those that are asymptomatic (they show no symptoms).
These people are more likely to spread the virus because they don't know they have it. Standard std tests do not, test for herpes. So someone can say they are clean when they are not.
Herpes disease can be passed during childhood , by a Mother simply giving her child a kiss.
Someone not well educated about herpes can pass it from their mouths to someone's genital area (it does not always take direct intercourse to transmit).
People need to understand, all it takes is one person and one time , diseases do not discriminate. It can happen to any one.
Shaming someone because they have a disease which you very well could have gotten says a lot about you as a person (not you but generally speaking).

[Octavius]

I think she was mostly just referring to genitals herpes because she was saying 80% of that 1/6 don't know they have it. Oral herpes is actually over 90% of the population. Most people are asymptomatic for oral herpes that's why it's virtually universal. Even when you ask a doctor to screen for everything there is they still usually wouldn't include HSV-1 just because they assume everyone has it.

[Stacyzee]

@Octavius I am not correcting her, but adding in my own knowledge about the disease. ((I briefly skimmed over that section she wrote... and only noticed the 80 percent)) However, this isn't up for dispute because both of our statistics are correction. They both indicate that herpes is a widespread epidemic, that affects many peoples lives. Oral herpes affects 80 percent originally (This is KNOWN information). 20 percent genitally (KNOWN information). The other percentages not mentioned are those who are asymptomatic (as I stated prior) they do not know they have it. In order to stop the spread of this epidemic, precautions should be made, like letting herpes be a part of mandatory std check ups (BOTH originally and genitally). If not the spread will rapidly continue.

[Stacyzee]

*both of our statistics are correct.

[Stacyzee]

Sorry for the typos (both orally and genitally)

[tyber1]

I would want someone to tell me asap. I'm not going to stay with someone who has herpes. I don't want to kiss someone with herpes. But if you at least tell me on or before the first date, I will be respectful about it. If I got told this after multiple dates I'd be angry they wasted my time and money, and if they told me after I had kissed them (or more) I would flip the fuck out. You might not think it's a huge deal but that's not for you to decide.

[CrazynKinky]

Why can't they kiss you?

[tyber1]

@CrazynKinky herpes can be transmitted orally and sexually. In addition, the sexual strain and the oral strain can mutate both infect the other area. So if she has oral herpes and gives it to you, and you give it to your next girlfriend when you go down on her bam she has genital herpes and you probably will too.

[CrazynKinky]

Congratulations. If you can't see an open sore on someones mouth then that's on you. She doesn't have genital herpes she has simplex 1 there two different strains. It's not the same thing.

[tyber1]

@CrazynKinky first off, herpes can be passed before during and after an outbreak. Hell, there doesn't need to be an outbreak at all. And then there's the possibility that the sore is somewhere it cannot be seen, like in the mouth. Secondly, you are obviously not comprehending what I just said. Herpes simplex 1 and 2 are specialized to be best adapted to their respective areas but they can in fact infect other areas. Both diseases can infect a person's mouth and genitals. In fact, herpes can infect a lot of places, even your eyelids can catch it.

[CrazynKinky]

You can't pass simplex 1 without a blister.

[Stacyzee]

@CrazynKinky A person does not have to have an active coldsore to pass the virus orally. Before a coldsore appears usually a person suffering from oral symptoms may suffer from a tingling sensation. This is a "invisible" symptom to others because it is not apparent. Other people with oral herpes may get sores inside of their mouth (not necessarily on it). Herpes (1) and (2) are the same virus, the only difference is the location of that virus, that is why they are labeled (1) and (2).

[Stacyzee]

@CrazynKinky To add , when they have the "tingling symptom" this is when the virus is also very contagious.

[Stacyzee]

And lastly, if the person is not in outbreak phase (although chances are very low) Herpes always has a chance of being spread (less than 5 percent) because the virus is always shedding. This is why it is always best to inform your partner :)

[CrazynKinky]

@Stacyzee Location doesn't define the strain. I know my friend has simplex one and she got because a guy ate her out. Even the doctors defined it as simplex 1.

[Stacyzee]

www.herpes-coldsores.com/...s_simplex_1_and_2.html
They're the exact same virus. The only difference is their location in the body.

[tyber1]

@Stacyzee they aren't the same strain, but they are very closely related and can essentially take on each other's roles. The only major difference is that one thrives more in the mouth and the other thrives more in genital areas. But essentially you are right besides that point. The main thing is that it is not okay to hide it and kiss someone because you might give them an std.

[Stacyzee]

I gave a link which states they are , so do other links. I'll look into that part about herpes however.

[Stacyzee]

www.herpes-coldsores.com/...es_simplex_1_and_2.htm

Here's the link.

[tyber1]

@Stacyzee actually if you read it more closely, it basically says what I said. Despite being different strains they are very similar, sharing most of their dna, the major practical difference being where they are most adapted to.

[Stacyzee]

It says nothing about strains and says what I stated originally , that they are pretty much the same but are in different regions of the body

[tyber1]

@Stacyzee are we reading the same thing? It explicitly says that they are different strains.

[tyber1]

Similar doesn't mean same. Homo sapiens and Homo neanderthalis were very similar and could even interbreed under specific circumstances but they were without a doubt different. It's basically the same idea, different enough to be a separate species while still sharing an overwhelming number of similar characteristics.

[TaureanBull81]

Hey there @stacyzee, @tyber1 and @CrazynKinky I have HSV-1 and was first diagnosed in 2019 via a definitive blood test during a routine STI check-up. To this day, I've never had any visible outbreaks nor symptoms because I take supplements and vitamins everyday to suppress it. It's such a shame that herpes has a negative stigma because many people cannot control getting it like in my case.

[Esplorare]

Great take! I'm sure many people find this to be empowering!

Nonetheless, if someone so much as kisses me without informing me they have herpes, then I will legit sue them. I have a lawyer that I keep on standby and I will gladly use his services. Of course people who have herpes and other STD's still want to enjoy companionship but others deserve to make an informed choice about who they are getting involved with, especially if getting involved wit them will effect their lives greatly even after they're gone.

[GlibSluice]

Everyone, I encourage you to watch 'Adam Ruins Everything: Adam Ruins Herpes' on youtube. It dispels a lot of things about herpes in an interesting way.

[Bvroon]

I can really relate to what you had to say here, I should I also have to deal with this issue, fortunately for me both my wife and I have it together, and no we are not dirty or cheaters or anything else that many might think. Unfortunately despite the fact that herpes is extraordinarily common, people still seem to believe that it is worse than other STI's and yes while it is true that it cannot be cured there are other much worse diseases to have. Lastly if you have ever had a cold sore, or chickenpox for that matter you have had herpes in one form or another, and quite frankly it isn't that much of a stretch for it travel to other areas of your body. I have even had the unfortunate experience of shingles which was very painful and yes this is also a herpes strain, which has nothing to do with sex I might ad. Anyway, I applaud your take and willingness to talk about this subject. Bravo!

[Hellboy71]

Mono, is also a strain of herpes as well.

[CrazynKinky]

Can people stop talking about herpes without defining which ones. Yes obviously your talking about simplex 2 which is genital herpes but there are tons of people out there that still don't know the difference between simplex 1 and 2.

I don't have simplex 2 but I was born with simplex 1 cause genetics rock! But it can be painful as hell. So saying it's not that bad when you don't actually have it is a little far. But I could also be wrong since I don't have the type that you are referring to.

To the assholes in the comments going on about I would never date with herpes you probably already have. Saying I'll never date someone with herpes basically just killed your dating pool. Simplex one is super common I don't know many people who haven't had a cold sore at least once in their life and once you have one you always have it in your system.

They shouldn't have to tell you on the first date or when you just met or any time before they decide if they want to sleep with you. If they're not planning on having sex with you then it's none of your god damn business. You don't get herpes by kissing someone who has it unless they have an open blister on there lip and kiss you with a cracked lip.

[Hellboy71]

Simplex 1 is also genital, and lip. Just so you know.

[GingerBear]

Nice take. I had chlamydia a while ago I consider myself lucky, as it could have been so much worse. An STI, especially one as minor as herpes or chlamydia, isn't the end of everything. As long as you're careful, you won't spread herpes, and most others can be easily cured.

[VomitReturns]

#herpeslivesmatter

[LittleSally]

I say it's not that big of a deal but you have to tell the person before you kiss - that you have herpes... It's extremely important. I wouldn't want to date someone with herpes, but if they were really great - I'd still want to know and have the right to know - before anything remotely physical happens.
And no, that shouldn't dieter you from dating. Definitely. =)

[ClassicRocker]

I don't see why there could be any issues at all if you dated someone else that was living with herpes...

[mutedaisy]

I remember coming across a list of dating websites. There were some for farmers, one for clowns and another for those positive with Herpes.

https://mobile.positivesingles.com/#index/whole

[SilenRose]

Nice article. It's unfortunate you had to deal with the stigma while you were misdiagnosed. At least you found the bright side of it. However, I would not date someone with herpes.

[Radford]

Guys I’m telling you Herpes is nothing to play around with... if you catch that shit. Your sex-life is SHOT! You have to tell every person about that infection... Nobody is going to want to have sex with a person who has that ish... FACTS.

[AbsolutePeppar]

For herpes treatment a limited number of drugs is only appropriate. In addition to the antiviral agents, painkillers are sometimes used against herpes. Here you can find out everything you need to know about herpes therapy.

These drugs are used by default against various types of herpes and are also used for other viral diseases. There are also other active ingredients that can be used for herpes , but these only affect the symptoms and not the so called virus.

the active ingredients used include acyclovir , valaciclovir, ganciclovir, valganciclovir and penciclovir. Medicines that destroy viruses would be called virucides, but such preparations do not yet exist. All of these active ingredients are so-called antivirals, which means that they cannot destroy the viruses, but only prevent them from multiplying. Brivudine is another preparation that can be used to treat herpes, as is zinc sulfate. There There are several antiviral drugs that are approved for treating herpes. If resistance to these agents occurs, Foscarnet can be given as an alternative. However, they almost all have the same mechanism of action. Most active ingredient names end with "-ciclovir".

The The best way to at least accelerate healing is to start therapy as early as possible. This is the best time to start herpes drug treatment. Some patients even report that they can prevent the outbreak of herpes in this way. Those affected who suffer from herpes reactivations often have a feeling for the first symptoms of an impending outbreak of the disease. If there are unpleasant sensations, itching or pain in the affected area, you already know that it will not be long before the first fluid-filled blisters appear. The fact that only early use of antivirals has a significant effect on the course of the disease is explained by the way these drugs work: They can only prevent the virus from multiplying, but cannot destroy "finished" viruses.

At best, they shorten the duration of the illness and alleviate the symptoms, but they do not offer reliable, quick help with herpes. Unfortunately, the currently known active ingredients for herpes treatment do not work miracles. What What to do with herpes?” Asks everyone who has ever become acquainted with the annoying blisters and of course you want to get rid of the herpes quickly.

luckily a friend of mine, got rid of this herpes virus quickly than other drugs prevailed in the market. now he is doing good, if your interested in knowing more about this DM me

[John_Doesnt]

A person with any STI will gross me out and I will refuse to date. It's also a sign they were clearly having irresponsible sex with someone they didn't know very well and they weren't using protection. An irresponsible woman would also be a huge turn-off.

[jojo-blue]

Read the comment above and educate yourself.

[John_Doesnt]

@jojo-blue no.

[Cicime84]

Smdh herpes an pass through skin to skin contact soa rubber ain't gonna save the rest of your groan. Plus oral sex can cause u to get it if they have hsv 1 they can pass it to your genitals. Bro hate to scare you but you may already have ot and not know.

[John_Doesnt]

@Cicime84 which is exactly why I said it is a sign of being irresponsible. You shouldn't go around giving oral sex to random strangers before finding out if they have herpes or not. Prevention isn't just about a condom, it's about choosing your sexual partner wisely. It would be just as irresponsible for me to have make-out sex with a dirty hooker. Also, no I don't have any STIs because I am responsible and also take care of my physical health.

[jojo-blue]

Not everyone with herpes is a 'dirty hooker'. 2 out of 3 people have hsv-1 (mouth herpes) and 1 out of 6 people have hsv-2 (gential herpes). It's super common. And you know how some people get it? From aunties with cold sores who kiss you when your a kid, or from your first partner who didn't know they had it or from being raped or even from being born - mothers with herpes can pass it on to their kids. You could even have it and not know. Don't be so quick to judge people.

[TLB123]

You are so ignorant to fact or empathy that it is ridiculous. Herpes is transmitted through skin-skin contact. And condoms aren't even 100% effective protection from herpes. You can have it and not know it. It is not standard to be tested for unless by request or if you have symptoms. It can be spread from oral to genital and vice versa. You have such a high standing chance of contracting it by simply dating around anyway. Just because someone (80% of the population, mind you) has either strain of herpes; it does not mean that they were reckless or irresponsible. In a matter of fact, your own mother could have passed it to you in childbirth. Please get your head out of your rump. It's not deadly. It does not cause life threatening illness, or Physical defect. It doesn't cause infertility- unlike Chlamydia, ghonorreah, syphilis or trichomoniasis. It's no worse than acne. Educate yourself. You know someone with herpes and I guarantee it.

[John_Doesnt]

@TLB123 you're so ignorant for thinking I care about a post that is months old.

[ArtDent]

The gift that keeps on giving.

No, it won't kill you, but since people tend to not want to have sex with people who have it, it limits your options tremendously once it catches you.

[SkiBum69]

You have Herpes, and you wrote a shitty article trying to make it sound like it's not a big deal. It is, you have herpes, no guy will ever date you, end of story.

[Octavius]

You didn't read past the title didn't you...

[jojo-blue]

This is pretty much what the author is talking about. Educate yourself man.

[Dylanguest1989]

I once knew a girl from Tennessee

She didn't believe in condoms or any health protection and she got herpes from her cheating boy friend, it makes me wanna get a girlfriend tested before we even kiss. STIs are the main reason I'm a virgin I'm scared of getting one.

[Dred1614]

As a clean man, I simply would not date someone with an STD. It scares the bejesus out of me. So much so that I want to get a girl tested before I even kiss her.

[jojo-blue]

Not to freak you, but they don't test for herpes on a standard STD test. They can only find out that you have herpes if you exhibit symptoms. I found out the hard way. I got STD tests regularly... but I still randomly found out I had herpes after a really bad bout of emotional stress. People just don't know they have it.

[Dred1614]

@jojo-blue I'm aware of what you said.

[skeptic007]

90% of the people in america have herpes

[Anonymous]

Most importantly, I learned that herpes really isn't THAT big of a deal. Since one in six people have it, and 80% of those people don't even know they have it, herpes is actually common.

Erm... yea it is a big deal. So what if one in six have it? That doesn't mean others want it. I personally wouldn't date somebody I knew had it. People keep saying this stuff about herpes recently and that oh it's fine if you get it, it's nothing, loads of people have it... So what? Loads of people have diabetes, doesn't mean I want it. Plus, if women get it or have an outbreak during pregnancy, it isn't exactly good for the baby, neonatal herpes can cause disabilities or even death, so yea, it is a pretty big deal.
Not only that, and maybe more minor, but the blisters can cause pain and painful urination... not something most people want.

I hate that so many people are downplaying sti's these days. Especially the aids shit people keep talking like yea it's ok as long as they take their meds you can have sex with them. Ha. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Why would most people rather date someone with cancer than herpes?

[Hellboy71]

I don't know about that, I know someone who has cancer, and most people didn't want to date her, because they were all afraid of her dying.

[Anonymous]

what? your doctor diagnose you for herpes incorrectly!! and this went on for five years? damn! I kinda hope you are suing that doctor though. But if you saw no symptoms why did you not question it earlier, surely you must have thought it strange you have absolutely NO symptoms. LOL

[Stacyzee]

Not necessarily , half of the people that have herpes are asymptomatic (they show no symptoms at all). This is why a lot of the people that have it, don't even know that they do.

[Anonymous]

DID NOT READ

Wouldn't date a girl who has herpes

[CrazynKinky]

Never dated a girl with cold sores

[Opinion Owner]

@CrazynKinky Good. I'm glad you haven't

[CrazynKinky]

I was asking you. The odds that you've already dated a girl with herpes are pretty high.

[Opinion Owner]

@CrazynKinky There wasn't a question mark at the end.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure you tell the other person.

[Anonymous]

I contracted Herpes from the the first guy I had sex with in college. I was 21. It was traumatic to say the least. However, I went on to have a wonderful relationship with someone else. The virous was dormant for decades. I have occasional outbreak. I treat it immediately and it goes away within days.
Like anything else you learn to live it.
The plus side is that you never have to worry about contracting it 😌

[Anonymous]

I love this take! I feel it'll be inspirational to girls that have herpes!

[Anonymous]

How "herpes" has come to mean only the sexually transmitted viruses of the herpesviridae family is beyond me. Although I have had the chickenpox, I don't say I have herpes, because that resonates into people's minds as having an STI. Given that I've never had sexual contact in my life, I likely do not have herpes simplex virus 1 and 2.