Sexual Health
+1 y

Found Used Condoms in his trash

Been dating this dude--not in a relationship, just dating--for about a month now, but known each other since December via online dating site. We've hung out a lot, we're sexually active, I've met his friends, blah blah--and he claims I'm the only girl he's talking to right now. Except last night I spent the night at his place, used his bathroom, and saw at least three used condoms in his trash bin. We've never had sex at his place before, so I know 100% those aren't from us. It's not like I went sifting--I just saw the end of the packet poking out, moved a few things and my suspicions were confirmed. So...I'm disgusted, but don't wanna tell him what I found. We're not "official" or anything, but it's just gross to think that I'm sharing d*** (eloquent, I know, but that's what it is essentially). Or should I just stop being jealous since we're not a "thing" anyway/yet? Ugh. It's just gross and kinda hurtful. Thoughts?
Updates:
+1 y
Update: I've decided to confront him about it, but do you think I should wait until next week, when we hang out again, or just clear this up right now via casual text? Ergh, this is really bugging me. Haven't made a move yet, thought I'd get input first. Thanksssss.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • 1. Does he have room-mates?

    2. Can you verify in any way shape or form that he was home? No offense, but I could easily plant a positive pregnancy test in your house if I wanted your boyfriend to freak out; all so that I could stand a better chance at gaining your attention. Really messed up, but easy to do and lots of people do it, surprisingly.

    3. Are they even used? Grab tweezers the next time you find some and pull them out of the trash to verify the contents, in lamens terms.

    4. Are you sure he wasn't just home alone and bored? Lots of guys masturbate. That's not sharing d***, that's saying any one person can please themselves than another because they know what they want and what feels good to themselves.

    5. After you've though of all the above - are you willing to open up and honestly explain how you're hurt at the thought of him sharing himself with others, when you feel exclusive rights even without a relationship.

    6. If you're dating, you're in a relationship. Maybe that's a type. *Shakes finger at you*

    7. Good day, hope it helped and brought to light many viewpoints.

    8. Don't trust users on GAG lots may share your viewpoints, few many go against them. But no one knows the "golden path" or all the angles. I'm sure that I've missed a few too

    ~ ArtistBBoy

    • 1, 2. No 3. Didn't check. 4. Hm, never thought of that one. I'll ask. 5. Yes, I'm the honest, straightforward type, especially when there may be evidence to support my thoughts. 6. "dating" = going on dates. I don't call him my boyfriend, he doesn't call me his girlfriend. It's ambiguous atm. 7. Yes, it did. Thanks! 8. That's why I'm on GAG. I like getting different viewpoints. Helps me make the best decision sometimes.

    • Re: 2,3 - Sources are everything, then you know whether or not he will be/was full of sh*t. 4 - Sensing your personality, I think your man has a decent backbone so ask away, though I'm sure you've met guys that can be sheepish in answering questions as such. 6 - Dating to me holds an ancient value that includes character, such as chivalry and exclusivity... Very much like a relationship, in modern era there's less of such a thing. 7 - You're welcome 8 - Kudos for being open minded

  • Hold up here! You said yourself that you're not "official." I assume by that you mean not exclusive. Some people assume that because they're having sex they are now exclusive. Some people assume because they've touched each other they are exclusive. Some assume because they've kissed and made out they are exclusive. Some assume because they've been on a date they're exclusive.

    And every single one of those people is wrong.

    Do you know what makes you exclusive? A conversation in which both people agree they are committed to being exclusive. This is NOT the same as "I'm not seeing anyone else at this moment." It's a committement to be exclusive. Sounds like you didn't have that conversation. which means he's perfectly within his rights to bang other girls. Good news for you, you're perfectly within your rights to bang other dudes. Though it sounds like it's not what you want to do.

    So if you want to be exclusive, talk to the guy about it.

    • See my previous comments.

    • Do it in person. I'd do it less as a "confrontation" and more you asking him if he's interested in being exclusive. If he is, then you can ask about any girls he's going to have to cut it off with.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I guess it depends on what you want and what you can handle. If you two aren't officially exclusive, then he hasn't technically done anything wrong. On the other hand, it's totally understandable that you feel hurt, especially since he claimed not to be talking to any other girls and implied that he was focused only on you.

    It's hard to say what you should do. If I was in your position, I would probably talk to him about it, because otherwise I would be miserable wondering and everything would be ruined anyway. So I would take the risk of making him feel uncomfortable, and respectfully bring it up. But if you don't want to make him feel pressured, it might not be a good idea. You will have to do what feels right to you in the situation. There is no obvious perfect solution, unfortunately.

    One final consideration is the possibility that the condoms weren't even used for sex. I don't know how many guys use condoms to masturbate, but it's not an impossibility. Also, is there a chance that another couple used the condoms, for example a housemate or a friend? These are other complications. You definitely don't want to come right out and accuse him of sleeping with other girls, whatever you do.

    • Very wise. I'll take all of this into consideration. Thanks!

  • You need to more on I'm very sorry but I've seen this before and he's playing you. You are not the only girl he feels like because you guys are not offical then he can be with other girls. Something also tells me that he is not the type to stay faithful very much. If you bring it up to him he's going to say that you are not in a committed relationship. I would be the type to bring it up and get really mad but why bother he's just going to be very mean and do whatever he wants. He just wants the sex without the title. Just drop the jerk and move on.

    • You do have a point here. I'm gonna sleep on it and then confront him the next time we hang out (next week, probably). I mean, if f*** buddy status is all he wants then I'm for sure moving on.

    • Ive had experience with all kinds of men and from what your saying he just wants sex and not just with one girl at a time. You seem super nice and you derseve someone who is wonderful and treats you great and not like trash.

    • Should I wait to confront him in person...or should I start this via text? Blehhh, this is really getting to me now...

    • Show All

  • You could ask him CASUALLY. Like as if it doesn't bother you at all. Like you're just cool with it.

    "Hey are those condoms yours? I saw them in the trash bin." Just like that, with a calm and light voice.

    • If you did that, would you really feel calm? I'd feel awkward as hell lol. That's just me though

    • I'd "act" calm. Of course I wouldn't feel calm. Haha! Just have to "act" calm so when I ask my guy (if ever that would happen to me) it wouldn't sound like I was judging him at all (and I wouldn't wanna judge him either) since I still don't know if those condoms were his. Say, you were my guy, If I'd act all hysterical, absolutely it'll be a total wreck for us both!lol

    • He could simply lie and say no. :P

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

5 11

  • If you don't want to share d*** I would suggest making it official before having sex.

    • Good point. Then maybe the best option now is to stop talking to him...hm...or just stop with the sex...

    • You've only been dating a month and he is already telling a huge lie..I'd say you can find a better guy so I'd stop talking to him personally.

  • were they fully used, as in semen in them, if so, you should really respect yourself more and get a guy who is willing to prove his worth for you, no one messes around a girl if he likes her, its only if she's willing to be used a guy does this,x

    • Thank you! I didn't take the time to see if they were fully used ('cause it's gross touching them when I know it's not from me!) but I am going to bring it up next time I see him. Might be an awkward conversation, but it's better to know than to wonder miserably. And NO, I am not going to be used by this guy. He knows what I'm looking for. He also knows I'm not clingy and am perfectly capable of cutting guys off if I don't like what I see. It'll be a worthwhile conversation for sure.

    • I admire your attitude, without a doubt I share your choices, and the decisions your able to make, a rare talent but a worthy one, good luck,x

    • Thank you! ^_^

  • not sure if you want/wanted to make things more official, but it would seem that he does not. if he did, he wouldn't be sleeping around.

    he could just be having the occasional "posh wank" though---if he knew you were coming over and had something to hide, then surely he'd have gotten rid of them right?

    if I were in your shoes, I'd confront him. you need to know where you stand .

  • I don't think you are being jealous. He told you that he isn't talking to other girls so unless he is hooking up with guys (not likely) or masturbating with condoms (more unlikely) then it seems clear that he has lied and misled you.

    I'd ask him about it. Say I know we aren't in a relationship but you did lead me to believe that you weren't talking to or hooking up with other girls...so what's with the used condoms in the trash.?

    • I think you're one of the few guys who understands where I'm coming from, especially when we aren't "in a relationship." I mean yeah, technically he CAN screw around 'cause we're not exclusive--and so can I--but he knows casual sex isn't what we're after. That's not why we hang out. Ugh, it's just messy...but yeah, I do wanna talk to him about it.

    • hope you send the text. this convo really kind of requires more than a text so that there can't be less chance for misunderstanding

  • First off, girl get out while you can and if he ask tell him you are leaving because you know and you saw proof that he's also sleeping with someone else. Second off, friends with benefits, dating but not offical etc, don't have sex with those kinds of people. You're under 24 I understand you want to have fun, but I'm 22 myself and I would certainly not be sleeping with someone I wasn't serious with and that being said, let go you can't trust a guy like that

  • Your question is more of a statement... You want my thoughts ? It really depends what is OK for you and what you deem OK within the relationship that you two share. If you just want sex and someone to go out and enjoy with ect... whatever floats your boat.

    • He knows I'm looking for a relationship. I made that very clear to him. I've also told him I get jealous when he talks to other girls, and that if he insists on doing that, then I will stop talking to him.

    • Just from a guys honest perspective, he's not that interested from what your telling me.

  • Talk to him now... no sense being all bent out of shape for the next week. Get it off your chest.

  • Confront when you meet him again,face to face..so you can see his reaction..texting will giive him. Chance to fabricate lie at his ease...in the mean time test him with a different dating profile?

  • Just another wanna be bold girl..if you can f*** with no strings attached why do you care? Ain't that mean you act like you don't care to justify your need to have fun but deep inside heart you want love...saying modern,n professional and business like are all the big talk unless you really don't care from your heart.I am not judging or nothing bad of u..u just need a loving guy who also you can have fun with

  • that's why it's bad to be in these types of situations. honestly he didn't do anything too wrong, it is natural to be jealous, that is why casual dating doesn't work for women! break up with him then.

  • He could be wanking in to the condom, lots of guys do that because no mess to clean up, I'd do it but condoms are too expensive here.

    • So I've heard. I hope he's using them for masturbation, but you never know.

  • If you're not exclusive, don't count much into it.

    • Doesn't mean I'm okay with it.

  • Did you guys talk about being exclusive?

    A lot of problems happen because girls assume you're dating exclusively, when in fact the issue has never even been discussed.

    • We have before and we both agreed that we have to hang out more and give it time to see if we're actually compatible. So far it's been fun, but when you say that, "give it time," and if he actually does like me, I would assume he wouldn't be messing around with other girls in the meantime. And no, I never assumed exclusivity. Ever. Which is why the condoms aren't making me flip out about cheating or whatever...it's just making me concerned and a little bit hurt.

  • Have YOU tried to make it official?

    Has HE tried to make it official?

    That's the crux of the problem here.

    • I've broached the topic at least three times with him and all he'll say is, "I like you a lot" or "You're the only girl I'm talking to right now" or "We'll see where it goes." I mean, we've been talking for at least five months, but not seriously hanging out until recently. I just figured if he saw me as relationship material he wouldn't screw around with other girls at the same time. I guess I'm just naive like that. It just shows I'm not THAT special, ya know?

  • Maybe he masturbates with condom on.

  • Hopefully it's a roommates. If its his, dump his ass.

    • He lives alone.

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