From an Asian country, boyfriend has had non-penetration sex with his ex, am upset, how do I deal? :(

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who doesn't really stand for any form of sexual (penetration anywhere or not) intimacy before marriage but my 29 year old boyfriend (im 21) just admitted to me that he has had non-penetration sex a couple of times with his first girlfriend when he was much younger.. 7-8 years ago. She was someone he didn't even really love and who wasn't very attractive to him. They stayed together cause he felt a need to take care of her cause of problems in her life. I was the one who asked him about it but told him I'm thinking of ending things with him, and he said he told me cause he thought I would understand him. And that everyone had a past, and that it would be a waste to lose someone you really love cause of a mistake you made in the past. He told me that he never really was sure of what he wanted in a girl until he met me and he sincerely hopes with all his heart that I would be his last. I don't know, I feel disappointed, sad, disgusted, betrayed. It might not make sense but that's how I feel. And I actually don't really want a guy who is "tainted", but I know that's ridiculous. wad can I do to make myself feel btr? :(

[johnnydoe]

Asian huh? Yeah I'm asian too and I understand the sex 'part'.

But see, we all have a past. Your reaction to his past can be considered normal. I myself find it taboo. However, sometimes the truth of a person does affect how we perceive them, like how you find him 'tainted'.

For any given relationship, communication and understanding as well as trust is vital. How do you really feel about him now? Do you see a future? Do you really love him?

You might feel he's the only man you 'see' right now. But truth is there are more men out there. Listen to your heart, not your mind. Don't force yourself to like him. 21 years old is still youthful in my honest opinion. Ending it sooner makes the pain much more bearable.

[Asker]

Minus the past, he has a good track record and has the right kinds of characteristics that I'm looking for in a partner. I'm not saying there won't be other btr guys, but for now, I see only him. I don't know if I love him yet (im the kind who takes while to warm up to that word).. a future.. probably. but nobody is perfect. I'm trying to be objective, but that doesn't mean I still feel disgusted and hurt.

[johnnydoe]

Your best bet is probably to keep the relationship. Like you say, you don't know if you can love him yet. You're probably a strong woman so I'm sure you will know it well yourself. The best judge is not me, not the world, but you. Feeling disgusted and hurt is inevitable. It's just a nasty can of worms that was opened by accident - nobody would have seen that coming. How would anybody know a person had sexual intimacy without asking him/her? Go easy and let time heal those wounds

[Asker]

Hey! thanks :) yup we are keeping the relationship now. he seems very sure and serious of what his feelings are and the relationship. more sure abt it than I am. and your probbaly one of the rare few that understands my feelings and doesn't tell me I have no right to feel them. prob cause we are from the same cultures :) exactly. how would anyone know if they didn't ask? its not sth people come out and announce anyway. I hope time heals. I really do. I need to get out of this rut. but thanks so much :)

[toulouse]

what is non penetrative sex? & Its the past if you are not able to deal with that and go forward then you guys can not be together :)

[Asker]

Sex without the penis penetration the vagina or anywhere on the body. basically the sexual organ is outside of the female's vagina. that's what he keeps telling me, its a mistake he made in the past.. and it would be strange that I couldn't let it go.. but yar I just cant. sigh =/

[toulouse]

Ohh how does he keep it from slipping in?

[Asker]

PLEASE don't ask me all that. that's not the main point of the questiona and I'm hurt enough as it is. go google it or sth.

[toulouse]

Really you can't expect a 29 year old to have no sexual past and if it was really that important to you, You should have told him up front that you are going to fee disrespectful towards him if he is 'tainted' and then proceeded to explain what that means to you. I think you are being very selfish and wasteful in your attitude. If you care so much about him you should love him for who he is now. I don't think you should be with him f you see it as FORGIVING him-he didn't BETRAY you- he didn't KNOW U.

[toulouse]

"I'm someone who doesn't really stand for any form of sexual (penetration anywhere or not) intimacy before marriage " <<< Did you TELL him this? & he LIED and just told you now- is that why you fee betrayed? because otherwise you have no reason to be betrayed and no right ti disrespect him. For real if you are going to see him as dirty then you don't have a right to be with him. You are the one making things dirty. you are dirtying his honor with your thoughts- I think you are looking to be superior.

[Asker]

Yup he didn't know me, but he should know full well to save himself for someone in future. I might not be the person he's dating now, he cld be with someone else, it still is a form of betrayal to me. and I'm not looking to be superior, pls don't judge as you don't know me. I'm looking to be equal, I like to start off a relationship on an equal footing. nothing abt our pasts make us equal. and its sth I can't easily accept. I'm not dirtying anyone with my thoughts.

[Asker]

Ur thoughts, just as mine are just what they are, our thoughts. we have the right to have those thoughts shaped by our life experiences. they are in no way right or wrong. they are just my thoughts and I have a RIGHT to have those thoughts. you have no right to tell me that I'm dirtying someone else with it. his honour? what honour? seriously. he does know I don't stand for pre marital sex. if you are here just to accuse me of speaking and behaving the way I am, then pls stop advising. I don't need it

[toulouse]

I' really sorry I didn't mean to sound accusatory. I was just imagining how much pain you guys will be in if you can't trust and respect each other. It is not fair to him or you if what he already did makes you sick.you said you felt sick. So I am saying that you need to be able to appreciate him or leave. I don't see how else you guys can live together in harmony. If he was not against pre marital sex then he was not betraying anyone. Did you guys discuss this when you started seeing each other?

[Asker]

Its fine. sorry for jumping at u. I was just really upset when I wsa typing my comment. no we didn't have this discussion early. I told him that if he told me this earlier, I probably wouldn't be with him at all. but he said its not abt issues like this, its more abt the person's character and stuff. I don't know. I just have very strong principles. and I like my partner to have similar principles as do i. cause when you are thikning of a future together, the impt principles in your life would have to

[Asker]

Be similar. anyway I felt sick cause of 2 things. 1) he's not a virgin and I have standards abt virginity - BUT I realized its all in the mind. 2) another girl has been in my place before. so I don't feel like whatever I'm gonna expereince with him, physical intimacy or sex is gonna be like "special" or anythng. I like to feel special. that's where the "betraying" feeling comes in. it by no means make any sense, but this is just how I feel. I don't even understand why.

[Asker]

Anyway. we guys did have a very long draining emotional talk two days ago. yesterday too. its just, well, you have to be open abt your feelings abt things like this. I see no point in keeping what I feel bottled up inside and making things worse. well, we plan to start anew. I'm sure it will take some time to come to terms with it. but I'm trying. I'm very new at relationships. if he was my second serious boyfriend or sth, I wouldn't have bothered abt it so much. but he's my first. I'm learning.

[toulouse]

No I completely understand- I really do. I have never had sex because it is sacred, tho I don't know if I have to be married but regardless I've basically only kissed. thing is I could see his place you did not tell him how would he know? but I believe it matters to you because it is your belief- it is not even the technicalities I think. I understand. It matters to you - it does you can't change that , but if you can't its not disregard that its not fair to stay- you have to choose a memory or the present :)

[Asker]

Yup its sacred to me too! :) I don't know abt u, but I am actually.. a very generally accepting person. howeer there are some thigns and principles that I'm very adamant abt. nothing can change my mind. you can convince me til your 50 but I will still stick to what I think, cause I already convinced myself that is right. I can be stubborn and headstrong. what did you mean by this by the way -> "thing is I could see his place you did not tell him how would he know?" =P

[Asker]

I guess sometimes its difficult to let go of a person's psat cause well, as a girl, you get insecure and imagine things and get jealous. what's worse is, we werent ard when those things are occurring, so we imagine more than wad really occurred actually. I hope I'm coherent. anyway yes. its all in the past. I'm staying cause I think this is worth it. and he's trully sorry. and I will let this one go. no point clinging onto sth and berating someone for sth that happened in the past

[Asker]

Which we all can't change. trust and forgiveness and moving on is difficult, but has to be done a lot more. and I think, I will stop asking so many intimate details. I mean, I asked it out of security, I cld be his sexual partner in future and I need to know where he's been in the past for my safety. but I think this is the worse I can go. I don't wanna know anymore cause it doesn't help the present and certainly doesn't serve any useful purpose. hope I sound coherent cause I'm really sleepy.. =)

[Anonymous]

Find someone else...it if means that much to you.