Help! My boyfriend masturbates every night in bed with me right next to him, and sex with me declines?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We are both in our 30s. For the past several months his sex drive keeps decreasing but he masturbates every night with me in bed right next to him. I've confronted him a few times. First being silly and soft saying he does it in his sleep did he know? Then I got a bit more serious and said it wakes me up then I can't sleep. I have to leave and go sleep on the couch - which isn't too comfortable. Its a 1 bedroom apartment. Sometimes I can still hear from the living room. He is very quiet when he does it but I'm such a light sleeper I hear. We used to have sex 3-4 times a day. Let me state for clarity - honestly not egotistical - I am a VERY attractive woman. Ex-model whom gets hit on daily. I'm also a little wild child in bed. Sometimes I'm not in the mood but usually I'm the one who wants to and he doesn't. He'll say he wants me then says he's too tired when I get home. He waits 15 minutes then masturbates. I don't fall asleep that quick. It really hurts my feelings that he'll turn me down then masturbate. Never had this with anyone else. I tried the "can I help route." I've confronted him nicely and strong. He denies it and gets defensive now. He says I'm imagining it but several times I saw his hand going up and down and I feel/hear everything until I am in REM. I can't say anything, he won't talk about it, I can't help/join him. Wtf?! I'm lost confused hurt and at my wits end. Advice?

clovisx · Accepted Answer

I hear where you're coming from. I am in my late 20's and though we never had a wild sex life, I have gone through phases where I masturbate because she is too tired or not willing to have sex with me. Mine is sort of the opposite situation to yours but I understand how you feel, rejected and isolated.

My first question about it is whether he is consciously doing it or if he actually falls asleep and does this in his sleep. If he is doing it intentionally, I would interrupt him and ask if you can do it with him. If he says no then make him do it somewhere else so he can feel the separation and awkwardness you feel. That could make him resentful though so be tactful.

My second question is how often do you actually have sex? You used to have it 3-4 times a day, how much do you have now?

My third question is how is your relationship outside of the bedroom. Are you close, doing things together, sharing your lives with each other as much as possible? Or are you doing a couple of things together and then living your own lives while you cohabitate? If the only time you share together is when you go to bed then I would say that there is some emotional distance to overcome in your relationship before this issue will be resolved.

I know that there have been times when I have masturbated very soon after having sex because I wanted to have the pleasure again, but on my terms. For a while I was focused on p*rn in a way that I felt was unhealthy because it was interfering with my relationship and I took steps to stop that. I had to see how my behavior was impacting my wife and my marriage before I could take steps to change it.

Jack1313 · Accepted Answer

Sweetheart PLEASE let me tell you THIS... YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY ONE OF THE SEXIEST WOMEN I HAVE EVER SEEN BUT LEMME TELL YOU THIS AND I'M TRYING NOT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS OK? LEAVE HIM HE'S LOST INTEREST IN YOU. HOWE OR WHY WHO KNOWS BUT THERE'S OBVIOUSLY A COMMUNICATION ISSUE BUT IF SAY HE'S DEFINITELY LOST HIS FEELINGS FOR YOU I'M SO SORRY

tatemjayyy · Accepted Answer

Girl the same thing is happening with me. I mean literally exactly as you explained word for word - from him calling me crazy and imagining it, pushing my hand away when I think maybe I can give him a blow job to get him to cum so he can sleep and stops moving around, and sleeping on the couch, but hearing everything. He won’t have sex with me anymore - if he does it’s because he feels bad. It’s not fair to make us feel unwanted and as if we are lying about what we feel and see and hear. It’s heart breaking. I am also pretty, I don’t necessarily think I’m model pretty but enough to be attractive to men. So yeah, it’s painstakingly unfair and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything from patience to surprising with pics, stories of our sex (I’m a writer) in detail to try and turn him on, he gets hard, like really hard really fast if I brush against him even, whether or not it’s on purpose he always pushes me away and says

cjwright79 · Answer

Sorry, how attractive did you claim to be? Very? Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

bigsidharth · Answer

why does he do that when u r next to him , sorry i am too lazy to read that long para

larry69 · Answer

Heck I would rather have real sex than masturbate or get a BJ...no matter what time of the month it is even!

drloodz · Answer

two can play at that game. If he wants to have sex reject him and then make sure he hears/sees you masturbate later...then see how he reacts.

Kass1964 · Answer

Idk, maybe he's gay.

likepubichair · Answer

No one cares about who you used to be. Do your job as a woman!

Help! My boyfriend masturbates every night in bed with me right next to him, and sex with me declines?

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