How Fear and Low Self-Esteem Can Destroy Your Sex Life

How Fear and Low Self-Esteem Can Destroy Your Sex Life

When I was in college, I noted two distinct types of guys:

The first type were the legit boasters. They were bold and brash and cocky and they had good reason to be. They really did sleep with a lot of girls and though I was never one to be impressed by your prototypical man-whore, I suppose their bravado was based in reality. They were getting what they wanted, which meant they knew how to get it.

The second type were the self-proclaimed introverts who, if they were being honest, would confess to a deep-seated belief that they - not the testosterone-laden musclebound chick magnets - would, given the chance, be fantastic lovers. It was in their head that though they had little to no experience in that realm, they were still superior...if only some girl would give him a chance to prove it.

How Fear and Low Self-Esteem Can Destroy Your Sex Life

Of course, this was a baseless, typically erroneous belief based on absolutely nothing. Feelings of inferiority can actually breed superiority complexes; i.e., "I'm not popular but all the popular people aren't as smart as I am." Hey, that might be true. But the complex extends to their social lives, so despite not being particularly skilled in that area, they actually believe they're Casanovas in hiding. But in the end, a tremendous lack of real self-esteem and confidence can and ultimately will cripple your love life.

Self-esteem and self-image are huge issues among teens and young adults these days. When I spoke with Dr. Logan Levkoff about this topic, I wasn't surprised at all with her theories and conclusions. What she and many other professionals are finding is that those between the ages of 15 and 25 (and even older) are becoming paralyzed. Their social ability is falling and so is everything associated with self-esteem and confidence. Now, it's almost as if everyone is an introvert in some way and they're all, for lack of a better word, petrified.

In a recent poll, the majority of GaG users actually said they could go the rest of their lives without sex, and a close second said they could "go a year or more." Combine this with the countless questions we see from people worried about how to approach a sexual situation, and it almost feels like an epidemic. And frankly, I believe it all stems from the same thing: Fear. Fear drives our actions and beliefs and when we have no faith in ourselves, when we willingly recede into the shadows and fail to engage others out in the world, that fear only increases. Then, depression and anxiety rise right along with it.

How Fear and Low Self-Esteem Can Destroy Your Sex Life

This is the single biggest hurdle facing younger individuals right now. They're sitting behind screens and trying to find answers and it isn't working. It's not working because you won't find any answers behind the screen. You can find help and some solid advice but in order to put your fears to rest, you're going to have to get out there and DO. I'm not saying sex is the be-all end-all of existence; I am saying, however, that it is an important part of human existence, and certainly an essential element of a romantic relationship.

You don't want to be just learning all this stuff in your 30s. But with everyone seemingly developing slower, you wonder what sort of therapy these people are going to need when they turn 40. You don't have to be the cocky skirt-chasers I cited in college. You don't have to put a premium on your sexual health. But to say it doesn't matter, to hide behind either a growing inferiority or superiority complex (both of which can ultimately have the same paralyzing effect), is counterproductive. You will end up very lonely and very confused.

And that's just no way to be. :)

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Most Helpful Guy

  • "They really did sleep with a lot of girls"
    I "sleep" with many women, do you see me bragging about it? There's nothing to take pride in. At that level of 'socializing', it's just sex.
    Trust me, water still has no taste, the sun is still yellow and I still need oxygen to live.

    Such issues are relevant in a committed relationship, yet you barely scratch the surface. Therefore, why do you bring up fear and low self-esteem in the first place?

    Fear is something EVERYBODY will experience. You speak as if it's insurmountable once it's there. Well, it is, if you insist on it.

    As for low self-esteem. I don't see the point you're trying to make. Does one with low self-esteem deserve special treatment or what?

    • "Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power." —Oscar Wilde

Most Helpful Girl

  • I would have it with more guys if I thought it was worth it. I've had friends whose bc failed and they had abortions or kids do I had to rethink my own bc strategy and had lots of stress. Drunk hookups are so common but not my thing. And lastly almost everyone's relationships only last a few months even when they fuck a lot. They get bored of each other. So I don't have a lot of incentive to experiment much. I despise drama.

    But if you have issues with social skills definitely fix them or you will be miserable. Totally agree with that. I just don't think sex solves the misery.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I feel the modern era of social media is turning a lot of people into socially awkward idiots. A whole world of information at their fingertips, a wealth of inspiration all lying there... and what do they choose to do? Increase and justify their insecurities by absorbing themselves in bullshit. What happened to just getting on with life, insecurities and all?

    • Exactly. 100% correct.

  • Men have that fear of performance and penis size, women have that fear of their entire bodies - every centimeter of her skin might be, and usually is, an insecurity...

  • I suppose I am the later type of guy. Except I'm not delusional enough to think that I'd be vastly superior to experienced guys "if I was given the chance."

    But yeah, other than that I have pretty big insecurity issues that I am objectively aware of but don't know how to handle.

  • this is a good post, he is right. my lack of socializing with people has got me to the point where i find it fucking hard to talk to girls without drugs. im getting therapy soon so maybe they can help me but you need to throw yourself into situation you dont want to be in which is the hardest part.