I can't have sex because I'm afraid of getting dumped?

[Anonymous]

I've spent too much time on the internet reading girls' stories about how they got dumped right after they had sex with their boyfriends, seen movies and had some real life friends who went through this experience. I'm with the perfect guy, he treats me like a queen, would do anything for me. I'm very attracted to him and I want to sleep with him, but in my head I keep thinking that if I do so he'll dump me right away... It's the only reason why I haven't done it with him yet, I'm comfortable around him, I don't mind being naked with him. I just can't have sexual intercourse with him cause I'm too scared I will get dumped right after it happens. I've met his parents, his friends know about me, my friends like him, his mom texts him telling him to bring me over, he says everyone he cares about loves me. But still... I can't trust him when it comes to intercourse. What the hell is wrong with me? What can I do about this? I'm so afraid of him leaving me after sex...

[MrOracle]

A lot of girls start dating a guy because he's hot-looking, or because he's "exciting" or popular, and they don't pay attention to the fact that he only gives them at HIS convenience, and mostly when it moves things closer to sex. Or, they notice it, but they rationalize it away because they want to be with him SO BAD that they refuse to acknowledge any signs that point to the relationship being other-than-perfect. Those are the guys who tend to dump a girl after sex, and the girl will almost never see that she made a foolish choice all along.

From what you've described, your boyfriend is nothing like this. Everything points to him being engaged in this relationship in every important way, and guys like that don't just dump girls after having sex. No guy works that hard if all he wants is sex; he could find a different girl to give him sex with much less work if that's all he was after.

While there is never a 100% guarantee, the odds are so overwhelmingly in your favor that if you can't bring yourself to have sex with this guy, then you might as well break up with him now and move to a convent, because it won't ever get much better than this.

[Asker]

He's a good looking guy, but very nerdy and weird (Which I find attractive). I'm at this point where I'm so into him, I'm afraid that I'm missing something. I'm usual very careful when it comes to this. I just can't find anything about him that would stop me from having sex with him and that really scares me. I feel like there's something I'm not seeing, and that's how I'll get dumped after having sex. (Yes, I have severe issues).

[MrOracle]

As I said, none of the behavior you've described tells me, an uninterested outside party, that he's selfish and self-centered. If he was, I'd be quick to tell you. You have some serious insecurity there, that you should get some help for. kheserthorpe is right, though; at some point, he'll break up with you if you DON'T have sex with him, so you need to include that in your "calculations."

[Asker]

Sorry, it's just everyone's nice at college. I'm not so used to that. Need help? No kidding, of course I do. Thanks for your answer.

[Jsonason]

Well you got two options.

A) Have sex with him

and

B) Don't have sex with him

Lets look at possible outcomes then.

If A), either

1) He dumps you

2) He doesn't dump you

if B), either

3) He dumps you

4) He doesn't dump you

So, lets sum it up shall we?

1) isn't a lot of fun, obviously, but chances are it would've happened anyway sooner or later if he's just in it to score, right?

2) Great stuff happens!

3) Well this one also kinda sucks since you didn't get the relationship you wanted but not only that, you didn't get to jump his bones. And you did want to jump his bones, right?

4) Awkwaaaaaard. Is this gonna go on forever?

Since you actually want to have sex with him just go for it. Whatever can go wrong could/would go wrong anyway so you have nothing to lose. Chances are you'll enjoy yourself so go get naked.

[Asker]

I never liked permutations and combinations in math. But you make a good point.

[Bethany94]

I haven't heard that happening? This is like only in prom movies where the guy is on a bet to sleep with the girl, does so at prom, then breaks up with her. If you know he's a nice guy and you don't plan on biting his penis off, there's no problem. Tell him why you're nervous over it. If he's a good guy, he'll try to comfort you. Don't freak out if he tries to gently strip you down and have his way with you. It sounds like everything would be fine if you slept together. Just remember to be relaxed and use protection.

[Asker]

I'm not saying right away. But I've heard that some guys lose interest right after the girl gives in. He's very nice, doesn't want to do anything that I wouldn't approve of. I'm just very scared that he would change after sex.

[Bethany94]

I really don't think that he would leave you. Guys are only like that if they're just in it for the chase, in which case he'd either give up after a VERY short amount of time or he'd be constantly pressuring you for sex. I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

[Asker]

You are right, I've been thinking about it more lately and I'm realizing I'm being partially stupid. He never pressures and It's been 3 months. He's only sexual when I initiate it.

[marissalr]

It sounds like you really do have a great relationship going but you are letting other people's experiences cause you to worry. He is not your friends ex boyfriends, he's not the guys you've seen in the movies or heard about in stories. Honestly, if you trust him enough to be naked with him and to do other things besides intercourse then you can trust him with that too. If it is something you feel ready for and that you want then don't let other people's experiences hold you back.

[Anonymous]

There are no guarantees of any relationship working out. You have to trust you're own judgement, if you really know him then chances are he isn't going to run off.

[Theguyoverthere]

Honestly, I see it the other way around, guys dump girls because they won't have sex with them. If the relationship lasts long enough and there is no sex, you can get dumped because he'll feel you don't like him. You can easily just talk to him about it. If you're inexperienced, tell him.

The only other thing I can think of on this topic is that sometimes a girl has sex with a guy, and literally does nothing in bed. This gives the guy the impression that the girl doesn't really like him. A girl's personality is very noticeable during sex. If you just lay there while he's missionary and don't do anything, he'll think you're not interested. AKA: Flopping fish. But honestly, I don't think a guy will immediately dump a girl for this. He'll probably give it multiple attempts before dumping as a first time can be awkward for both people.

[abzence]

I believe the guys that dumps a girl after sex is the ones that feel that they have nothing in common, no emotional bonds and feels that the girl doesn't contribute to his general happiness. So once he gets to have sex with her a few times he gets bored and move on.

It sounds like you two have an emotional bond and he dumping you for having sex in not very likely.

But perhaps you should also consider the opposite. If you make him wait too long he might consider you to be a teaser and a prude and dump you for that reason instead.

So no matter what you do things can go wrong. That's just how life works. All you can try and do is put your fears away and do the things in life that brings you joy.

[kheserthorpe]

It's more common for people to get dumped for not having sex.

Also common is that they break up but would have anyway.

The most common scenario where they break up after sex is that things were falling apart and thy either had sex hoping it would fix things or she's been making him wait so he keeps holding in then has sex and realizes more sex is not good enough reason to stay with her.

[Tractorbeam]

What a crock of shit! Somebody has been watching too much Holywood bullshit,and believing internet bullshit.Yes,you've spent too much time on the internet soaking up one-sided opinions.

We're not talking about casual sex here.If you don't trust him,do him a favour and leave him now.If you don't find him attractive enough to want to tear his clothes off,leave him now.If he doesn't find you attractive enough to want to tear your clothes off,leave him now.

[jacquesvol]

Consider that you may dumped as well after having sex as after denying sex.

[Asker]

I don't understand.

[jacquesvol]

kheserthorpe says it: "It's more common for people to get dumped for not having sex."

[MoneyBeets]

I doubt anyone would have sex with you if that's your reasoning.

Childish.

[Asker]

Which one? That I'm scared of getting dumped? I just don't want to be played that's all... Please do explain how being scared of getting your heartbroken childish? And I don't mean to attack or anything but I doubt a guy would miss a chance of having sex with a girl.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind you are getting this idea from the internet, where everyone is a victim and have never done anything wrong in their entire lives.What you need to understand is that a big percentage of these women want to have meaningless sex, just like a lot of guys do, but women don't want to feel like a slut afterward. So they will purposely seek out men that are no good for them. That way when the guy screws up the relationship, the woman can walk away not feeling like a slut, while also being able to have had her sexual desires satisfied.

Also sometimes people just break up, and it has nothing to do with the fact they had sex. If for some reason they just happened to have had sex close to the same time as the break up, then the woman is more likely to blame it on the fact she was used for sex, even if that had nothing to do with the breakup.

[Anonymous]

Dont put so much emotion into sex. You should be somewhat equally scared of being dumped after developing a genuine likeness for the guy in question. Are you afraid that he is using you for sex after you have developed feelings for the guy? Those stories you hear a probably skewered and blown out of proportion. Most guys out there ARE looking for a genuine relationship with a girl.

[Asker]

I have very strong feelings towards the guy, I'm very into him. I would be very hurt if I find out he's just using me for sex.