I go down on him, he won't go down on me... but I have herpes?

[Anonymous]

I have gential herpes and my man won't go down on me... which I get because he is concerned about getting mouth sores. However, he still requires me to go down on him and I resent him because of it. I'm bisexual and prior to seeing him I was very much into girls so I really miss female action in terms of giving and receiving oral. Basically as soon as anyone puts their mouth near my yoni I go crazy... so it's a real bummer not to share this please with my boyfriend. Don't know how to deal with it... Suggestions?

[MrMysteryMan]

You probably have to tell him how you feel first. He probably has no clue that you feel this way as you still go down on him even if he doesn't to you. But be prepared for him to talk about his concerns and it may come out hurtful. But, if he is still with you, he cares about you. So he may have wonders about how you're feeling also, just doesn't know hot to come out with his feelings. So you'll get a lot out of talking about it if you ask me. Usually you think he thinks something and you'll be way off and then it will get other issues out of the way.

After that, if you guys are on the same wavelength, you guys should get into finding out what to do about it and how to please each other while getting around this condition. I'm positive it can be done because Herps has been around forever, and you can't be the only couple that has been in this situation. So talk to him and see where that goes.

[ksoma]

He isn't going down on you not because he in unwilling to reciprocate, but because of health concerns. I understand why he is doing this.
However, you can not transmit herpes when there is not outbreak. If you have to, find him information and prove that to him. If you are not experiencing an outbreak of herpes, we should be able to go down on you, or have sex without a condom, without catching it.

But I 100% support anyone's concerns about catching an STD, and I'd think you could be a little more understanding of his reluctance.

[klee___x]

No-one in there right mind will go down on you KNOWING that you have herpes, you have no right resenting him because of this. It would be a different story if you didn't have this incurable sexual disease and he just refused to give oral back but that unfortunately isn't the case here. If you want to receive oral find someone who already has the disease, If female action is what you are wanting then let your boyfriend go and find a female... possibly with herpes already otherwise you'll be in a more complicated sexual situation then you are already in. Like you said 1 in 5 people have it so I guess it shouldn't be to hard finding someone.

[samhradh_leannan]

Can you talk to him more about how you feel? Tell him everything that you just told us. Explain that you understand where he's coming from, and you respect his decision to be careful, but it's hard on you emotionally to give without receiving because you feel like you are missing out on something that you love. See what he has to say. If he refuses to listen or try to help find a solution, then you have a tough decision to make.

[Asker]

Yeah I mean it's been something like 6 months. He has gone down on me a couple of times when we were first dating, but it's kind of like where we've got stuck in this rut... I know he excels himself in other areas. In terms of emotional support he is far more giving than me because he is older and I tend to be more emotionally unstable and if I ever bring it up he gets super huffy with me and refuses point blank. :/

[samhradh_leannan]

Getting huffy about something like this isn't really what I'd call being emotionally stable. The bottom line is that you can't, and shouldn't, try to pressure him go down on you if he really doesn't feel comfortable with it. But you absolutely have the right to refuse to go down on him as well, whether or not he's willing to listen long enough to fully understand why.

[Becky01]

yes there is no cure but you are only contagious when you have the sores so speak to your GP about the times it is ok and the times to stay away from it and if you both get tests done it is a 3 out of 5 chance he has already been exposed to it and the other types as well. by being exposed that does not mean you have it though you are a carrier

[meowcow]

I don't think it matters whether it's a male or female. Nobody's stupid enough to go down on you because you have an incurable disease that will spread to others from unprotected sexual contact. Why would you resent him from not wanting your disease?

In cases where one person has an incurable STD, a relationship with a person who does not have it is probably doomed to fail.

Suggestions? The only real option is to find someone who also has genital herpes on their privates and mouth.

[Asker]

Right. So your solution to this problem is for me to dump my boyfriend? Great idea.

[meowcow]

To be quite honest, that's probably the way it's going to end up. He's not going to stick around for the long term. Considering that he has to use a condom during sex with you for life, or accept contracting genital herpes. That's a tough sell for anyone. Also, the implications if the two of you ever want to start a family, yet he can't have unprotected sex with you. There aren't many who would deal with that, considering he's young and there are millions of other fish in the sea.

[Asker]

That may be how you feel about it, but the fact is... He's totally ok with not using a condom with me so long as I've not got an outbreak. He knows that it's a risk, but it's a risk he's willing to take... Yet somehow, going down on me is a risk he isn't willing to take?

[Michonne551]

I think it's pretty selfish to want to give him herpes. Just pleasure yourself.

[Asker]

I don't want to give him herpes. I'm on suppressive therapy which means that the risk of him getting anything from me is pretty much nil. Besides which - you should know that 75% of the the population has HSV-1, which is the strain of herpes that you get on your mouth (I. e. The only strain you could get from going down on someone and what is known as a cold sore)... Of course, this is not necessarily a reason to put yourself at risk, but it is worth mentioning as a lot of people commenting on this question are clearly influenced by the stigma surrounding herpes... Chances are a lot of you may already have it without knowing.

[hellionthesage]

Are there sores? Because unless sores are present their shouldn't be an issue and technicly 80-90% of the human population has herpes, its just dorment and asymptomatic. Explain this to him and if he has an issue then you shouldn't be dating eachother because he can get herpes from fingering you, having sex with you kissing you etc all of which I'm guessing he has had no issues with thus far.

[BertMacklinFBI]

just tell him you don't like it either until you get all better

[Asker]

Unfortunately there is no cure for herpes, although it can be controlled with medication and through practicing safe sex.

[aliceinwonderland69]

You don't have to do oral if u don't want to but ur reason seems selfish.

[Asker]

How so? Is it really so selfish to want a fulfilling sex life with my boyfriend? Isn't that what most people want? As I have said in my previous replies - I am on suppressive therapy. This stops me from having outbreaks and prevents asymptomatic shedding. It basically means he can't get it.

[HGStebbins]

... but you have herpes. As cruel as you may think this sounds, I love giving oral and I wouldn't go there. The risk isn't worth the reward.

[worldscolide]

Seeing as there is no cure for Herpes i would never, ever go down on a girl, let alone have sex with a girl that had it.

[Asker]

Whilst I understand and respect this viewpoint there are ways that you can have safe sex even when one of you has herpes. Also, something people often don't realise is that it's incredibly common. 1 in 5 people have it and don't even know they do. Getting symptoms is far rarer, but it's the only way you can tell. I say this purely to educate, as there are many people who know very little about it.

[worldscolide]

I know enough to know you're right, I just wouldn't go near it.

[Asker]

A question - because I'm curious - how would you suggest a girl like me should go about having a love life?

[worldscolide]

Honestly there are men that are ok with it. Just not me. I would never tell you that you can't have a normal love life. Just make sure that you're honest about it.

[suseel_sushi]

there are suff like dental dams/barriers for safe oral. try them. or just cut a condom open and use it when he goes down.

[TruExo]

But no one will ever go down on you after knowing that. Can you really blame them

[Asker]

I would never blame anyone for making the choice not to engage in sex with someone who has herpes. I realise that for many people this is just not a thing they can get past. However, my boyfriend and I are in a long term committed relationship. We do everything else except oral sex (I give but I don't receive)... And this is despite the fact that he has already chosen to go down on me in the past and he has since made the active choice to stop. It just doesn't make sense to me. Additionally, it's worth knowing that people who have been diagnosed with herpes are far less likely to pass it on because they are aware of their outbreaks and when they are about to have an outbreak (which is when you get asymptomatic shedding) - so we can be sensible. Having sex of any kind when I am not having an outbreak is very low risk.

[TruExo]

Hmm. OK then good luck to you. Hope All The Best.

[scooogy]

So if I got you right, others giving you oral despite your herpes does not cause mouth sores?

[Asker]

Providing I don't have an outbreak and stay aware of my own body when I feel an outbreak coming on, yes.

[scooogy]

okay, good for you

[imhere__]

i can go down on u for hours, no worries lol
but only if u are clear and shaved :)

[Armyvetztn]

If I was serious about you I would go down on u

[Anonymous]

If you don't have sores or symptoms at the time then he won't get anything.

[Anonymous]

You're coming across as a bit selfish. Why only give if you also receive? You have herpes ffs get it cleared up and he'll be down there for hours!

[Asker]

He won't go down on me ever. Whether I hav an outbreak or not. But I go down on him all the time. Do you really think that's selfish? Can you see that it's difficult to deal with emotionally? For both of us?

[Anonymous]

Can you say "selfish"

[Asker]

Me or him? This is a pretty complicated and emotional thing to deal with. I'm not trying to be selfish - if I was then I wouldn't have spend the last 6 months going down on him whilst he refuses point blank to even discuss going down on me when I'm clear of any outbreaks.