I still love my girlfriend, but I no longer find her attractive. ideas?

[someonesomewhere2]

i've been with my girlfriend for 5 years, and lived with her for 2 of those. basically everything in our relationship is wonderful, and I'm happy with pretty much everything except for one thing: over the course of our relationship, she has gained probably 100 lbs and generally doesn't take care of herself physically. over that time, it has made it harder and harder for me to find her physically attractive, and that sucks. I don't want to break up with her, but I do want things to get better. like, a lot, and I need some advice as to what to do. i do most of our cooking, and I've been cooking healthier, and I try to set a good example by exercising regularly (in our house, even, so she can see me doing it), but she eats probably double what I do at dinner, and snacks infinitely more than me. as for exercise, she seems to think that anaerobic yoga is just as good for her as aerobic exercise that actually burns calories. I try to drop subtle hints as to how she might change in these areas, but they are either consciously ignored or entirely whiffed (I honestly don't know which). i don't want to break up with her, but I want to be sexually satisfied, especially in a period my life where work and other non-relationship stuff are extremely stressful. is there anything that I haven't tried that I can do? I'm totally lost here...

[selfishstars]

That's a tough one. You seem like a really good guy---I've seen a lot of guys on this site post similar questions to this who are extremely rude, shallow, and uncaring toward their partners.

First, your girlfriend likely knows that there's a problem, likely feels really bad about the weight gain, and probably wishes desperately that she could lose it. That said, gaining that much weight can be debilitating. It can cause someone to go into depression, and the thought of having to lose that much weight is scary and can seem impossible. Getting the motivation to take on that task can be very difficult and many people feel "What's the point?" because they don't think they can do it. She might be thinking, "It doesn't matter how much I eat, I'm already a fat and disgusting blob."

The hard truth is that the decision and motivation to lose weight has to come from her---you can't force her to do it. People can only change for themselves (at least in the long-term, and this will be a long-term process because 100 lbs doesn't come off very quickly or easily).

That doesn't mean that you can't do anything. I think you've already made some good steps by cooking healthier and trying to set a good example. But since this isn't working, you may have to step into some dangerous territory---having "the talk".

There's no guarantee that it will work, but its pretty much your only option. (You haven't said if you've really talked to her about this, so I'm assuming you haven't, but I apologize if I'm wrong). This isn't going to be an easy talk to have, because she's likely very sensitive about the topic. I would suggest sitting her down when you have a decent amount of time to be alone and really talk. Start with telling her, "I love you a lot and I think you're incredibly beautiful, but I'm concerned about your health and your self esteem (add this last part if you've noticed changes in her self esteem---putting herself down, not taking care of other aspects of her appearance or hygiene, avoiding social situations, depression, etc.)." I don't advise mentioning that you're not sexually attracted to her because this will likely just add to her negative feelings about the matter (causing her to feel more depressed, hurting her self-esteem worse, and then causing further worry/stress about you possibly wanting to leave her). She may open up to you about how she's feeling about the weight gain. Hopefully she will, because it will give you a lot of insight and put you in a better position to be able to help her. Let her know that you're willing to help her in anyway she wants you to. Listen to what she has to say---what you think will help her might not be the same as what she thinks will help her. You can still offer some ideas too---like the things you've already been doing (cooking healthy meals or exercising with her). Or perhaps she'd do better with a program/group, like WeightWatchers (and I'm not sure what kind of shape you're in, but if you have a few pounds

[selfishstars]

to lose, you could join with her for extra support). Ask her how you can best support her. Saying things like, "Do you really need a second helping?" aren't helpful for most people and will usually give rise to the urge to rebel---taking that second helping to spite you. On the other hand, it might help to ask her to work out, and if she says no, you can say, "Okay, well, I'm going to work out anyway." And she might be more likely to think, "Ugh.. I guess I better too." and workout even though

[selfishstars]

she didn't feel like it. Encourage her along the way, and pay her compliments/recognition for the progress that she makes. And don't expect it to be a zero-to-sixty change---it might be a matter of making little changes at first (but the little changes will eventually add up), and she may have setbacks where she gets off track and has to get back on again. But yeah, in the end it has to be her decision and her motivation; you can only be there to support and encourage her.

[selfishstars]

I wish you guys the best.

[Leeni]

Sometimes girls don't take subtle hints that well, especially if its something they're in denial about., which she may well be. She probably realizes she's putting on weight, which might depress her more, which then may make her eat more. It could also be from stress, hormones, a lot of different things.

What you could do is instead of exercising in the house, go for a walk and ask her to come along with you, if you have dogs use that as an excuse to go out for walks every afternoon. On weekends, if you guys aren't busy with work or anything you could go out for the day and do some activities outdoors.

As for meals, go through the fridge and throw out all the fatty foods like ice cream, chocolate, etc. Make sure you're the one that does the household shopping so you can only buy healthy snacks for her to eat. Buy wholemeal instead of white bread and pasta, and try to eat less read meats and more white meats so their is less fat. Also, at meal times if she is going back for second portions, try to only make enough for one portion for both of you so she is unable to have seconds.

This sort of stuff might help her lose weight but it also may not unless she is making a conscious effort, which I think you should sit her down and try to talk to her about it. Yes, she may get defensive, but its for her own good. Just let her know you still love her and that physical satisfaction will only make things better between you.

[Twilight_Starstorm]

"...try to only make enough for one portion for both of you so she is unable to have seconds." <-- sneaky! Haha, but that's good advice :) +1

[human_condition]

It's really hard for any girl to hear that they're fat from someone they love. If you tell her straight out it will damage her self esteem however you do it.

It's great what you're doing with the cooking- why don't you persuade her to take up an activity with you? Like you could start cycling everyday, or if there's a marathon in your area sign up and start training for that. Or you could get her interested in a charity and organise a run or something.

As she's female she probably knows about her weight gain, so it might be worth trying to find out why she eats so much. If she's worried about something hopefully you two can work through it. Just ask something like "How come you snack more than when we first got together?" and try to be subtle and mention the food she eats rather than her weight. Hope it works out!

[youngjoy5]

alright let her know that she's big or getting big, but in a good boyfriend type of way. nothing to hurt her feelings.. tell her you have a way of losing the weight and let her know you'll help her through it and work out with her..make sure she cuts down on the food. and set a good eating enviroment around the house by putting vegetables and fruits around. get non fat yogurt to women love that..make sure she eats healthier and let her know if she's ever eating wrong.

[Twilight_Starstorm]

Exactly! Tell her "you know, (name of snack) is unhealthy, you should eat less of it :)" because that is one way off telling her to stop eating so much junk WITHOUT saying she's overweight...

[Teal_Star]

Aww you two sound cute. I think you should sit down to have this as a serious conversation and be straight forward. She might be getting these hints but she's not taking it seriously since she doesn't know the extent that it is affecting your physical attraction towards her. You can't just break up with her without giving her an opportunity to truly change. If she understands where you are coming from then trust me she will make the effort.