I think he's afraid to hurt or degrade me during sex.

To be very blunt. I was raped as a child, my boyfriend knows this. but I'm also a masochist (enjoys pain) my boyfriend knows this also but he's not too cool with it. I think he's afraid to hurt or degrade me during sex. There are things he won't do for me probably because of this. Do I talk to him about it and let him know what I think about his hesitation? Ill take any related or unrelated comments or input
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I could go a number of places with this, but I'll stick close to your question.

    Yes, you need to talk to him about this, and be completely open and honest about what you want, why you want it, and that one of the reasons you are telling him this is because you trust him, where you wouldn't normally trust someone with this information.

    Having said that, it's very important to understand that he may still refuse. Your history could easily be enough for him to be so uncomfortable with the idea that he says "no." But it could also be that he doesn't have it in him to be dominant/sadistic, and many guys don't. And if they don't, there's really nothing they can do to change that; it's just how they are, and even if they tried to pretend, you'd never be able to take them seriously or be satisfied, because they'd be awkward and uncomfortable the whole time. Some guys *could* be that way, but don't know how, but could learn, and some pick it up naturally because they have a dominant nature.

    You have to respect his boundaries and limitations, though, just has he has to respect yours. If he just can't or won't do it, then you either need to accept that and live without it, or you need to break up with him and find a guy you are compatible with, sexually and otherwise.

    • Why is it that everyone is so willing to break up over sexual things. Its pitiful to think that no-one has the will to stay in a relationship without sexual benefits. Wow.

    • Not everyone is, but the truth is that sex is an important component to a relationship, and for a lot of people, if their needs aren't met, they slowly get frustrated and then resentful of their partner, and the relationship starts to crumble. I have no idea how you are, which is why I said you either accept it, or if you can't, then leave. Some people can accept it, and others cant.

    • I don't know if I told you this but its in another comment. I'm not a dependant masochist, I don't need pain to get off. In fact, if he did start hurting me we would have to find a sound-proof bunker to have sex it. The sex is good (F***ING amazing) as it is but I wanted to try something new

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  • he probably isn't ever going to. You can let him know if you want, but it may only prompt a break-up. Some guys just don't have it in them. Every guy has a line they are unwilling to cross. I, for example, am unwilling to cause any permanent injury or death. Some other guys are unwilling to draw blood. Some guys are not willing to even spank!

    If you think he wouldn't get too (permanently) mad, another option is to attack him. Guys are a lot more willing to lash out if they feel the violence is justified. A lot of face and head smacking should do the trick, if anything will. Maybe some nipple twisting or stick your finger up his butt without lube.

    Also, another great option would be some form of therapy. I don't know how this works or if it even would, but it is also true that you won't find many guys who are into this. For the sake of opening up your options, therapy may not be a bad idea.

    • 1. I could never hurt him because I'm not a Sadist. 2. We've already gotten through sh*t that would break up a 40 year marriage so... were good 3. Therapy does'nt solve sexual desires and if you think it does you know nothing of psychology or the human sense of touch.

    • 1. you don't have to hurt him - just make him angry enough to do what it is you want. Once he sees that you respond well to it, he may be more willing to do it again in the future. 3. I know nothing of therapy. This is true. It was just an idea...

    • I cant. I'm a wimp, if I upset him ill feel bad. I'm the worlds most sensitive (emotionally) masochist

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Most Helpful Girl

  • About the only thing you can do is really sit down and talk it out with him. I am not fond of degrading stuff during sex either, but there are occasions when I want or am willing to play a game sexually which under normal cercumstances would seem degrading.

    Just have a good long talk with him

    • yeah, I will today

    • Good luck! Hope it works out for you.

    • Thank you

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • by all means talk about it let him know or you may regret it later. everyone has needs.

    • true

    • sorry should have read your comments to other awansers though I don't remember if the one where you said you were going in gradually was there eairlier or not. but he seems open minded

    • yeah, its taken a LOT of asking though!

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  • I dated a girl who was the same way, she wasn't raped, but she enjoyed the pain and humiliation during sex. It was something very new to me, and at first was against it, but after some thought, I figured, I love this girl, and if she wants me to do these things to her, then I should do it, so she can enjoy herself as well.

    I would talk to him about it, but don't pressure him, for some this is not a comfortable subject to talk about, let alone do in the bedroom. But I'm sure after awhile, he will warm up the idea, just kinda ease him into it slowly, like something little one night, then the next something a little more, so gradually over time he gets used to it and more open to the idea.

    Thats the best advice I can give, I hope everything works out :)

    • thanks, we are going in gradualy I supose. were in the spanking and biting stage :)

    • Thats always fun, but its when the handcuffs, blindfolds, and whips that come into play, that's when It gets interesting :)

  • Very difficult.

    What do you want him to do?

    I don't live anywhere near this world but I will try to help out because the alternative is to break up. Perhaps light bondage (tied with soft yarn). Find out how little pain will do. Perhaps a spanking before sex

    • Lol, yet another person who would break-up with the love of thier life over sex. Does no one know what love means anymore?

  • Yes, talk to him . I think its hot when a female likes pain in the bedroom sometimes its fun spices up your sex life a bit. I think hill learn to like it. And you should be proud to be who you are most guys would love this.

    • alright, good idea

  • I would say talk to him. It must be hard for him knowing that you were taken advantage of in the past. I have been in a similar situation and trying to be more dominant or play rough was hard to do cause I was afraid of this girl feeling like she did in the past.

    • all too true

  • You started question with the memory of yoru rape.. maybe its wounds ( emotional I mean) are still raw.. and maybe that has developed your masochist tendencies.. I guess an appointment with a good psychiatrist or counsellor may help.

    And yes, you need to talk with your boyfriend. and tell him of your desires and things that turns you on and gets you off. This will help. (I myself is not into too much kinky stuff that hurts my partner. In fact , its a turn off .. but I would be open to discuss with my partner.).

    maybe you two can discuss ( I mean ongoing discussion and understanding of several days) and maybe you might learn the beauty of passionate and sensual sex and learn to tame some of your masochist desires, and love your boyfriend as he is. Don't believe that you are raped, you are masochist, you want pain and you can't change.. you can!

    • The thing I forgot to write up top is that I've been raped but (believe it or not) I don't care because I don't remember much of it

  • always be honest with the people you love because they care about you and only ever want you to feel comfortable and will do what ever you like them doing. don't be afraid to be honest even if it is a topic that bothers him because it truly should be talked about. good luck :-)

  • https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=-xrE1fEYt8s



    Being raped causes trust issues and problems that no one wants to deal with

    That masochism you developed made you unacceptable mating material.

    Your genes should never be passed down. Sorry.

    lul

    • lol. I love closed minded people. You can tell that they will NEVER find love or be loved. Its so pitiful