I'm too vain to get pregnant. help!

My boyfriend really wants to be a dad and I would love for him to be my child's father but I'm too vain to have a child. I literally am obsessed with not getting fat, not getting stretch marks and keeping a good body. I prefer to do surrogacy rather than get pregnant on my own but my guy thinks only couples who are infertile should do that. what should I do? I freak out if I gain even just 3 pounds
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Most Helpful Girls

  • You are both entitled to your own opinions. The bigger question is, do you want a child with your current boyfriend AND one day to be able to carry it yourself? If the answer is yes, maybe you could try counseling together. You'll be able to communicate in an open environment. This could help you to accept yourself the way you are, and realize that being pregnant and giving birth is a natural and beautiful process. But, that's only if you really want to have a baby. That is something that you have to decide yourself.

    But, if you don't want to have a baby and carry it yourself, then that's something you guys need to decide if it's a "deal breaker."

    You both have to be open to new ideas and compromising together. That's part of being in a good relationship, communication and compromising. I'm not saying that you should compromise your views for his. You need to both come to a mutual agreement.

    • thank you! I do want a child with him but I don't want to carry it myself. We try talking about it but he ignores the idea now

  • What's more important, your body or being a mother? Ya you will gain weight and maybe stretch marks. But you can lose the weight. The end result is a baby. A child who doesn't care what your body looks like. Being pregnant is a miracle. You will never be able to know what it is like to feel your unborn child move around or hear his/ her heart beat. I have a friend who has been pregnant 3 times and you can't even tell. She never gained any weight other then baby and wad back into her jeans litterally the day after giving birth. You don't sound ready to be a mother because you wouldn't even think twice about your body.

    • Honestly my body is more important. I know that sounds awful to say but even later on I will feel the same way. A child no matter what isn't worth a ruined body for life.

    • Your body is just a thing. It isn't your life, your body will never love you the way you love it.

    • I have a love/hate relationship with my body. I do understand everything you are saying but I literally cannot love me if I don't love the way I look or feel. Thanks for answering. Have a good weekend

  • Find a guy who doesn't want kids.

Most Helpful Guys

  • The fact that you freak out if you gain even 3 pounds and value maintaining your body more than having a child point to some form of anorexia. This is not meant to judge. I am anorexic. I know how it feels. I also know how it feels like when your consciousness focuses primarily on your body and your idendity is based on it.

    Here's the problem: You can avoid getting pregnant, but you may not be able to avoid gaining weight, especially later in life. If by that time you're not ready to let go, you're in for some major identity crisis, trust me.

    What would you do if you gained 20 pounds? How would you feel? Could you deal with it? If the answer is no, I'd recommend you talk to someone about it, preferably a psychologist.



    BTW, anorexia doesn't necessairly mean you don't eat normally. You may very well eat normally but still be obsessed with not gaining weight.

  • I think you should break up with him if you can't change your mind. You aren't obligated to have a child if you don't want to, but he also has the right to have one of his own with the woman he's with. It doesn't sound like you're that woman if stretch marks are a bigger concern than his wish to have a child with you. It is your choice, but ultimately if you don't change your mind, your boyfriend is going to be very unhappy. To avoid two unhappy people, I suggest you either change your mind or break up with him. There are lots of guys that don't want children, I suggest you find one and let him search for a girl that really wants to be a mother.

    • I do want to be a mother but not mess up my body. there are other ways to motherhood than carrying a child

    • Men very are very much interested in having a child with the woman they are with. Surrogacy is a huge turn off for many, if not most men, myself included. A woman that has stretch marks because she gave birth to my child is a beautiful sign of sacrifice on her part, not something that is ugly. Also, weight gain from pregnancy isn't permanent unless you have poor diet and exercise. Men that want to have kids generally want their wives/gf's to have them, not surrogates.

    • everyone is different in the choices they make. If a man believes surrogacy is a turn off than good riddance to him. I want a man who can respect my wishes since I'm the one carrying it not him.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Evolution will take its course and your vain genes will be lost- Then perhaps this ridiculous scenario will never happen again.

    • has nothing to do with evolution. The same personality I have now I will have at 35. Not going anywhere and not changing

    • He's saying your vain genes will (fortunately) not be reproduced.

    • @stiches and esper88. Surrogacy does pass on my genes. Sorry to break your poor little hearts

  • It's your body and whether to get preg or get a surrogate mother is your call. I don't see anything wrong with it.

    However, your boyfriend is entitled to his own ideas too. His wanting the child to come out of you is not unjustified. But his thinking that surrogacy is meant for only infertile couples is absolutely passe. Get him talked out of that idea then I think he may relent.

    • I get his point though. Why tens of thousands of dollars on a procedure that isn't guaranteed to work anyway, if you have a natural and free (the conception is) method available?

    • Yes natural methods are available, the doctors will be able to guide you on that. Wanted to highlight something to you again. Do you see movie stars who become moms but come back to their original figure (ofcourse either genetics and / or body type and / or money is involved too), I've known a few women who have come back to their original size devoid of stretch marks (some women's body has become better actually post pregnancy). You can do the same too. There are yoga exercises etc that'll hlp

    • I have good genes and my mother and grandma don't have any stretch marks after 2 and 14 kids but I get stretch marks too easy so I'm not taking that risk.

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  • while I do think adoption is the best option,i also think you may be anorexic,if you're literally obsessed-so that's a whole new issue. as for the kid-pregnancy includes weight gain,sometimes hair loss,mood swings,puking,GIVING BIRTH,stretch marks,sometimes they have to do a c-section,or CUT YOUR FREAKIN PRIVATES SO THE HUMAN CAN GET OUT-so it's all together a lousy option next to adopting a child,which mens giving a just-as-good baby a chance at a better life and you get to be a parent.

    • I would rather have my own biological child just without me carrying it lol but yeah birth sounds horrible

  • Find a guy who appeases your vain personality?

  • I cannot wait for the right time when I'm ready to have a baby. I will do everything I can to nurture the baby to grow healthy. I think you should wait for the right time when your ready, or if you are ever ready. It will be more healthy for you and for the baby.

    • My feelings of this won't change as I get older. Anyways good luck to you with everything

  • Nothing for now, if you freak out over 3 pounds you need to instill more stability into your life. You wouldn't be ready for it even if you did get a baby with a surrogate mother. If anything, after the stress of a baby, if you don't gain weight you'd most probably lose too much and who knows if you'll be alright with gaining it back?

    • Than I guess I will never be ready. My body is more important to me and will always be no matter the age.

    • Yeah, if he doesn't want it via a surrogate mother I guess you really have to move on because your strong opinion is just as important as his strong opinion.

    • might just have to. Its not going to happen with me carrying a child.

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  • It doesn't sound like you're ready to have a child. Having children is a selfless comittment. If you're thinking about how you look when you're pregnant, it's probably too soon for you.

    • I will think the same way at 35 and 40.

    • That's a long time in the future. You're still young and will be more mature by then. Some people are suited to have children young, while others feel their time is later. If you really wanted a child, your appearance wouldn't get in the way. Remember that this is potential new life you're thinking about. Children require a lot of devotion and self-sacrificing.

    • im 21 almost 22. Felt the same way I do now at 8. I'm very hard headed and unchanging. I know how I'm going to feel at 30+... if you are obsessed at something now you will always have issues no matter the age. I know kids take a lot of work but there are other options for having children than pregnancy on my part ( adoption, surrogacy, donors, etc)

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  • lol either realize that the weight you gain from being pregnant isn't "getting fat" OR convince your boyfriend that adoption or surrogacy are great options. You both sound ridiculous to me, haha.

    • regardless if you have a child you have to gain weight. its fine if you thnk I'm "ridiculous" or not.. Doesnt matter to me

    • I just don't see why it would be the end of the world. BUT it's not ridiculous to simply prefer something else, it's your body, and I'm not sure why he's opposed to doing it differently.

    • Im really body conscience. I guess you wouldn't undersyand how it feels unless you've been there. Not easy to explain

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