I've been thinking that I liked it more with my rapist than my current boyfriend... I feel so ashamed, what should I do? Is this even "normal"?

[Anonymous]

So... I'm writting this because I feeld so bad about myself, I don't think I can bring this topic with anyone in real life... I'm with a guy right now, been two months, i'll be leaving him real soon because of his selfishness etc (I posted about it yesterday) But since i've been with him, I really dont have any pleasure, well, i do have until he's insde me, he don't to do foreplay or anything and i've been thinking that even with my ex that sexually abused me I had pleasure even if I didn't like and didn't want it... I feel so dirty thinking about that i'm so ashamed, i don't know what to do... I really want to have sex and be satisfited with it, s doing it with someone I love and who love me, someone who think of my feelings, but now that i'll be leaving my boyfriend, i don't know what will I do since I really want to have sex.

[Intraluminal]

Hi, I'm sorry that you feel so conflicted. You question is a little bit confusing because you're referring to your previous abusive boyfriend, as a rapist? You've clearly been hurt by your previous boyfriend. If he raped you then you need to press charges. The fact that he was your boyfriend does not mean that he didn't rape you, and pressing charges, although frightening, may help you to heal somewhat.

It's also clear that both of your boyfriends were and are selfish as uncaring toward you. The fact that one of the was marginally less inept should not make you feel bad. It's normal to want and to enjoy sex, and if you managed to extract some small amount of pleasure from one of your boyfriends, then that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Please, if you can, get some professional help, and get away from both of these people. You can and will find a man that can love you, treat you well, and with whom you can have a wonderful sex life.

[Asker]

I have borderline personality disorder and i've been depressed since I was 14, and I only started to get help in December 2014, so yes i do get professional help. My ex boyfriend doesn't live where I live anymore, and I want to forget about it, i don't have proof and it hapenned when i was 15, now im 20. And right now i told the psychiatrist/police about what my dad did to me, and it's enough already, i don't want to suffer more. And i just leaved my boyfriend (who is now my ex ). I feel better now, don't have to suffer anymore.

[Intraluminal]

Of course you don't want to suffer any more, I don't blame you. I'm glad you're getting help. I hope that you can get to a place where you can be happy. Good luck!

[Gnome0]

Some women have fantasies about rape. I don't know if it's normal or not. Have you seen a mental health professional for this (this is very important if it is still hurting you)? As for wanting sex maybe masturbate? Or read erotic fiction or poetry? Buy sex toys maybe?

[Chelseymichgal]

Honestly I'd end the relationship with him and seek some therapy.