If you found out your girlfriends ex raped and beat her?

how would you react and what would you do? My ex used to rape and beat me almost daily and I'm not sure if I should tell my current boyfriend who I have been with for 2 months.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Well, let me give you an interesting guys perspective on this.

    I've known a lot of women who've been raped in the past, and I could never figure out why they all keep coming to me about it (apparently I have a really good sense of empathy according to some, though I always consider myself a bit of a narcissist).

    It became a bit clearer after my mother revealed to me about a year or 2 ago that she had been molested as a child, and that was perhaps why I tended to gravitate towards women who've been abused in some way in the past and they tend to gravitate towards me. But after hearing that a friend of mine was raped or a girl I'm interested in was raped for the 5th or 6th time here's how I feel about it...

    The first couple of times I would have a very strong desire to kill the guy who did it, in fact I would fantasize for hours about how to do it and get away with it or put them in a situation where they would "accidentally" kill themselves (challenge them to a drinking contest where I'm actually drinking water with food coloring and they're drinking whiskey and let their own pride kill them, a lot of these guys tend to be alcoholics). However, being a bit older and wiser now I know I have no control over these things.

    Now I know all that I can do is be there for the girl and tell her to press charges against the guy, despite the fact that they never listen to me about that (Although one friend did actually listen to my advice and got psychological help from the hospital's rape trauma center, though we've since had a falling out and don't talk anymore lol).

    The point is that it makes a man feel powerless and pissed off, and that's never good, but if this is something that you need to get off your chest and not doing so is keeping you from achieving closeness with your new man, than you'll inevitably end up telling him if you want to be close with him. A guy thinks he'd want to know about something like that until he actually does, and then he'll wish he'd never heard it, but if you don't tell him than that may prevent you from being closer with him. However, if you let it define you than you'll never have personal or romantic success, and you'll end up pushing him away. Frankly if I were you I would avoid telling him for his sake, but if he's good he'll stick around anyway. It's better if you have close friends who you can tell (preferably female friends) or a therapist you can talk to about it; in other words I don't think you should NEED to tell him, but you should tell him.

    A girl who's been raped but still pushes through, acknowledges it, and doesn't let it hold her back is still a keeper; a girl who lets it take over her life and chooses to remain a VICTIM afterward is frankly just annoying. A bit black and white, I know, but an honest perspective.

    • Best answer.

  • You don't need to tell him if you don't want to. Though I think if you have any issues, reservations, or overall baggage that you're dealing with, it might explain a lot for him if he's noticed. Plus if he's any good as a boyfriend he'll probably comfort you or try to help you. I say tell him if you think you're ready.

    Really though I think this would be for the best, to tell him, eventually. If he can't handle it, and if he freaks out or overall reacts poorly to it, then I agree that it would suck, but it also says your boyfriend is not someone you should be dating either. Because really, it's not like all that's happened was your fault.

    Blah... I don't know if any of this was helpful, but yeah that's what I think. Tell him when you feel you can. Do it eventually. Not because he has a right to know (because really, he doesn't), but because if you can let it out, and not keep this inside, maybe he can even help you out somehow.

    Good luck with this.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I was beat and raped by 3 guys when I was 15 to this day I still don't know their names but I never told anyone for a very long time. I told my boyfriend about 3 months ago I think it was kinda a shock to him because I never said anything before, but he was a sweetheart about it. He gave me a hug and just held me for the rest of the night. He also swore to kill them if he ever found em lol but he took it very well, he promised he'd never hurt me like that and told me I didn't deserve it.

    If its something you feel comfortable telling him then go for it, any decent normal boyfriend would comfort you and understand.

  • 2 months in is too early to tell him, eventually you might have to as certain things have a way of biting you in the backside if you ignore them.

    it's not that he needs to know, but it could help in the long run if you've retained particular reactions and behaviours due to your past. there's no need to spare his feelings, but it's too early now and it might just drive him away. there's nothing he can do about it and it'll make him feel inadequate knowing it this soon, you won't feel any better either.

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  • I'd also give a warm hug and comfort her. Act more sensitive in general. I'd let her take the lead with it. I wouldn't push the topic. That early in a relationship I'd keep an eye on her and make sure she's mentally OK. It's a big revelation.

  • I'd kick that guys ass. And then try to get you to testify so that he could be raped and beat daily in jail. I hard that rapists are the most frowned upon criminals in jail, along with pedos.

    • What if he's a 300lb samoan? In any event confrontation sounds like a great way to end up in jail yourself. Likely the cops won't be able to do much because a rape kit has to be collected within so many hours of being raped. And by now her wounds have healed. So it'll be a case of he said she said. The time to see the cops was while this was happening, not months after. Of course it's worth a try.

  • I would give them the biggest warmest hug and tell them its OK. That they can tell me anything and don't have to keep it a secret. And to tell me if memories or anything related to it was bothering them to let it out.