It takes him a while to get hard?

[Anonymous]

I've never experienced this before in a guy, but my boyfriend takes some time to get a full erection. Sometimes I have to play with it for a little bit before it's hard ... and he doesn't seem as firm as guys I've been with in the past. He's only 27, so I don't think it's age...although it's been a while since I've been with a guy of his size, so I don't know if age + size makes this more common or what? His morning wood doesn't even seem to stick out as much... I feel like he doesn't find me that attractive. I'm not sure what to do... should I break up so he can find someone better looking or what?

[Anonymous]

I'm 31 and noticed in my late twenties it became harder to get hard. I used to get hard just from what I see with my eyes but now a girl actually has to touch me and I'll get half hard and then she has to jerk me off for a minute or kiss and lick my penis to get me fully hard. Once I'm hard I'm good to go though. That Scott guy answering your question sounds like he's being an idealist and too critical of your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is mistreating you intentionally if he supports you about lots of other things but he may not realize how sensitive you are so you need to let him know when he hurts your feelings.

[Asker]

Yeah, he's a pretty good guy other than being critical and I understand where that came from after spending time with his family. I just don't want him to be with me despite finding me unattractive ... He is the type to drag through a relationship instead of ending it, so I don't know how to tell. I didn't know if his hard ons had anything to do with that, or if I was just being touchy because of the criticism.

[scott63a]

I'm not being an idealist at all here. Telling someone that they should change to suit YOUR OWN needs is plain wrong.

[Opinion Owner]

Telling somebody to change to suit your own needs is just plain wrong? Really? I think everybody in a relationship better think about this long and hard.

[scott63a]

How long have you been together? Are you saying the size is smaller or larger than you're accustomed to? I'm guessing it's not a matter of your appearance. He's obviously with you. Some guys need a little help to get going. Once he's erect, does he last for awhile or does he climax quickly? Maybe he just needs a particular kind of foreplay. Don't be afraid to ask him what he needs. Believe it or not, we men need to be stimulated mentally as well as physically. You asking him what he needs, and then doing it, may be a turn on for him.

[Asker]

We've been together almost a year ... it's always been slower than I was used to. Size-wise, he's larger ... that's why I mentioned it, like maybe it takes more time to fill up with blood or something. Since guys are visual, wouldn't his mental arousal be that I'm not attractive enough to turn him on?

[scott63a]

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. It seems that you are concerned more about the fact that he doesn't find you attractive. Removing the erection, or lack thereof, from the equation, what makes you think that he doesn't find you attractive? While men are more visual, believe me,. we can be sexually stimulated when you talk to us.

[LJHam]

Yayh Scott is right, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Your insecurities about your appearance is getting in the way. Talk to your guy. Ask him what he thinks.

[Asker]

He's always nagging me about changing my hair color, or that I should be thinner (I'm 5'6, 135 ...not hot, but not fat), or (some other thing about my looks).

[Asker]

If it had changed, I would feel better about asking him about it...but since it's always been that way... not so much. "Your d*** isn't as hard as the other guys I've been with." = bad conversation, haha.

[scott63a]

Well, first of all, your position should be that if he wants a different hair color and a different weight or height, he can get a different girlfriend. You shouldn't put up with that crap. With that being said, I'm guessing him saying that isn't enough for you to kick him to the curb, so, why don't you try this. The next time he complains about your hair or weight, you ask him to make a better effort to get hard. How well do you think that would go over? That crap is really irritating.

[scott63a]

By the way, you sound just great to me. I've never understood why some guys want to turn their women into stick figures.

[Asker]

I only put up with it because his good character traits outweigh this bad behavior, which he definitely learned from growing up with parents who always put him down. I don't want to criticize him, because that won't teach him anything :| I do agree, though ... maybe I should just tell him that I'm sorry I can't be the girl he wants and that he should date someone else, even though, other than this issue our relationship is pretty good.

[scott63a]

Well, I was being a bit facetious about questioning his erection. It does however, concern me that you take it so lightly when he speaks down to you. That's what's happening by the way. And, it makes no difference what his experience growing up was like. We all have issues we could use to explain away our inadequacies. It doesn't make it right. Why do you allow him to tell you he wants you to be someone else?

[Asker]

Because he allows me to have my problems I picked up along the years and tries to help me with them, and, in other ways, has been kind, honest and open.

[scott63a]

That's not him being kind, open or honest. That's just plain mean. Sounds like he has you fooled. Just because I have a smile on my face when I hand you a s hit sandwich and tell you it tastes good, doesn't mean it's true.

[Asker]

No, I mean other than when he says those things. He's been really supportive, for instance, with me dealing with anxiety issues.

[scott63a]

Yes, I understand. He's a great guy until he's a prick. I get it. Do you kind of like the way he treats you when he's being mean? Most people don't put up with BS like that. It doesn't matter the frequency of occurrence.

[Asker]

Except, he's not mean. I grew up with a mean father who wanted to hurt people, and I can tell the difference. He's more ... inconsiderate with his comments. He's trying to overcome that flaw in himself, but I know how hard it is to stop a behavior you've had since childhood, too.

[scott63a]

You're whitewashing it to protect him. His behavior is simply wrong. I would never, ever, tell my wife she should change her hair color or to lose or gain weight. It's cruel.

[cavmanier]

She sees it wrong while realizing he isn't perfect and is trying to overcome issues he's admitting to.

[scott63a]

You're not just here asking about a half-hard-on. There is something deeper here that you may be avoiding. If you're having these kinds of doubts about the relationship, you have to look at a couple of possibilities. one - Is your boyfriend treating you poorly and undermining your self-confidence, or 2 - are you just so insecure that you're looking for a reason for him not to like you?

[Asker]

Most women are wary of a guy's visual/sexual behavior ... because these more or less determine if a guy will stay with you or not. You don't hear guys saying, "We had such lovely deep conversations together" or "She did the dishes every night." You hear them caring about her looks and their sex life.

[LJHam]

I've had personal experience with a man who had erectile problems. He tried to blame me for it by saying I didn't "fit into his narrow window of sexual attraction". Well, that wasn't my fault and what you're experiencing isn't your fault either. I would move on only if he thinks there's problem.

[LJHam]

Yeah, ED problems are kinda shocking when you first experience them. Especially in a young guy. I was surprised it was happening to a 42yo, but apparently it can happen at any age.

[Asker]

He always gets hard and stays hard ... I'm just not used to a guy needing foreplay to get a hard on. Is that ED or is that normal for some guys or is it just that he doesn't find me very attractive?

[Prof_Don]

He probably masturbates ALOT...since his semen reserves are low, his penis doesn't get as hard.