My boyfriend can't stay hard.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and he can never stay hard. I don't know if it's from all the pot/cigs he smoked (he quit this year) or what have you, but he just can't keep it up. I mean, we can have sex for maybe 10 min or so tops, but that's it. For the longest time I thought it was me, and that's still in the back of my mind, but I really got over that issue. Every time we have sex he's like "I'm sorry baby" and he's always apologizing for it, and I feel terrible about it. The only time I can get him to come is if I give him head (which is often). So am I doin' something wrong during sex (lol) or what? I don't know what to do about it.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • There could be many reasons why this is happening, and majority of the time, it has nothing to do with the girl. I mean she does play a factor into it, and it's the most logical / easiest thing to attribute the result to, but you'd be surprised.

    Some of the reasons may include:

    That he's been jacking off far too much, during the times you're not seeing him. Not because he's been lacking sexual contact with yourself, but it's probably a routine that he's gotten himself into, and we all know that old habits die hard. I've only heard of the "death grip", but apparently it destroys the nerves around the knob, to make it less sensitive, and thus harder to keep one up. If that's the case, he's gotta "retrain" his knob to start feeling again.

    Maybe it's because he's under a lot of stress at work. I know that this is a very big factor which plays into this, because if you're stressed out about work, or something else that's weighting on your mind, it's a real problem, trying to focus on getting down and dirty, even though he may seem like he's hot for you. He could just be preoccupied with something else, even though he's in the act. And the anxiety that's being experienced by these worrying thoughts destroy any hope of keeping one up. I don't know how to fix this, because you'd assume that sex would relax your mind... Guess it's good to talk things out, if this are worrying him, .e.g work issues, unemployment fears etc.

    Maybe it's a physical thing, that his circulation is shot to pieces. I know that some people have issues with their circulation, such as people with heart conditions, and diabetics. And due to the circulation issues, not enough blood is pulsing through, to keep one up. If this were the case, then I'd recommend seeing a medical practioner.

    It could be a drug issue, which has permenantly affected his ability to keep one up. I know that alcohol can have immediate effects (in the sense that on the night of a big one, it's hard to keep it hard), but I don't think this would cause long term detriment. As for cigarettes or pot, I'm not too sure about these either, but I have heard that pot / MJ can be bad for this, and have long term effects; maybe my ignorance regarding this, is making believe an urban myth.

    The only thing that I can think of, if it's you or not, is whether you're "tight" enough for him to feel the pressure on his knob. And if this is the case, whether he's too small, or you're too big, it would be hard to over come this issue. I could suggest you working out your kegel muscles, (trying to tense up your pelvic muscles) to grip him more, while he's thrusting etc so you might want to think about that.

    It could be one of these factors, or a combination of all of these which are causing the current issue that you're facing. I would place too much thought onto it being a result of you, if that's a concern at all. It might really be a case of, "It's not you, it's me".

    • Trust me I'm tight enough, he's the only person I've had sex with. And he's the perfect size. And it might be the jacking off thing because his nickname he gave to himself is Sir-Jerks-A lot, and I know he does it often, but he's tried stopping for a bit (at least he's claimed to) but that hasn't helped. He doesn't have insurance(which is pretty serious, I know he needs to get it) so it's expensive to go see doctors. But thank you for the tips, I appreciate it.

    • No probs. Hope it all works out for you both. Love the Pikachu beanie too!

    • it's cheaper to buy off-label meds from internet websites. There's all kinds of canadian pharmacy sites that sell packages of ED meds. I think the one I bought was like $60 for ~40 doses

    • Show All
  • Hi, I know you already picked abest answer, but:

    I once had a girlfriend who needed 30 (or even 40) minutes of intercourse to come. When I was with this girl I learned that it's not quite easy to keep an erection that long (30 minutes!). In my experience, plain "lust" can give you from 10 to 15 minutes of erection. After that, it took concentration, focus, and really putting up an effort to keep at it until she came, and when I looked at the clock it had been 40 minutes. Any problems we had in the relationship showed up there to: not possible to get longer than 15 minutes.

    Then some time later I was with another girlfriend who could come in under 4 minutes (made me kind of hurry!). That made me thing about it and the explanation was: training. She had trained herself (she masturbated daily).

    Since your Boyfriend doesn't come quick my guess is he doesn't suffer from premature ejaculation. (and yes, he did miss you a lot that time! or you looked so sexy you overexcited him). I'd dare to say his case its the compelte opposite:

    We are constantly training our brains. Girls who don't masturbate, or who avoid sex don't "train" themselves into how to reach an orgasm. Perhaps you both have trained him into only getting an orgasm via oral sex. Your mouth and tongue can give more "contact" and skin sensations, so in many ways oral sex can be better than intercourse (for girls and for boys) and if you give too much of it, you could be training him into only coming if you give him head.

    My advise: tell him that during a month you will give him head as foreplay, to get him up (and then a while, but not too much), instead of "to make him come". words can be devastating for an erection, so choose them wisely. You can say something like "baby, I want you to come inside of me so I'm gonna give you head first instead of last ok?". Use your experience about what he likes (orally) to get him really really excited, and then switch to intercourse. If you keep doing this for a while, you can re-train his brain, from coming with oral sex, to coming win intercourse (and holding an erection for as long as it takes to get there).

Most Helpful Girls

  • Okay this must be a Old Post, I'm having the same prob, I'm my boyfriends 2end girlfriend and second girl that he has had sex with, we have been together for almost 6 months now, and he gets hard then when he try's to put it in he goes soft, we don't use condoms, and some times he gets it in feeling like he is going to come but he don't it goes soft after 5min.we have done many ways of haven sex, but before me he was jerking off for about 2 years,and I kinda figured that's why he won't cum,i just wanna feel a burst, but I don't know what to do and he don't ,so him and I would like to know what to do, I mean even if he will never get hard ill always be with him, but we wanna know cause in due time we will want kids, someone help us,

  • IT MAY NOT EVEN BE THE POT/CIGS...SOME GUYS JUST HAVE TROUBLE WITH IT AND YA REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY...ONE OF THOSE TYPA THINGS THAT COULD ONLY BE EXPLAINED BY DOCTORS LOL I'VE BEEN WITH A GUY OR TWO THAT HAD "DIFFICULTIES", YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY SEVERAL DIFFERENT THINGS AND SEE WHAT WORKS...AND BEING TOGEHER FOR 2 YRS YA'LL SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH EXPERIMIENTING...TRY ROLE PLAYING(TEACHER/STUDENT, MAID, WHATEVER), TOYS, ETC.

    • Thanks girl :)

  • My guy and I have the same problem. He's a little bit older than you bf.. but still. It definitely makes you think that it's you. I am the same way. I tell him all the time your d*ck doesn't like my coochie... he assures me that its not me though. 98% I am sucking it to make him cum.

    There are pills out there that can help.

    If you want more info just message me.

    • To be truthful I'm actually 18 and he's 24 but that doesn't make a difference, I think haha. And hahaha, same here, I think he came maybe the first time we had sex, then one time after it. Otherwise I've been suckin' d*** so much it should be a spectator sport. And I've said before "Your penis just doesn't love me!" haha But thank you for this, really helped. I'm just not sure how to bring it up to him?

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 11
  • You're not doing anything wrong. There are tons of reasons why a guy wouldn't be able to stay hard and/or orgasm with a girl. Most likely he's just anxious and uncomfortable during sex, and that makes it impossible to stay hard. It's also possible he has some medical condition causing it.

    Suggest the two of you try viagra, but specifically say you only want to do that because you want to make HIM happy. I don't care if it's a lie, but if you say it like "you should try viagra so I can get off" it'll make everything a thousand times worse.

    • I would never say that to him, I really don't mind TOO much that he can't stay hard, I'm honestly just looking into this for his benefit cause I know it makes him insecure. He's mentioned viagra maybe 2 times, but I'm not sure it's the answer. I'll have to look more in it, and I want this to be something he does on his own if he chooses to do so. If not, it's no biggie, I just don't like him feeling self-conscious. Even when I assure him constantly it's okay, and it is. But thank you.

    • If he's suggested it then totally go for it. I have similar problems with anxiety and when I've popped the pills it's crazy how big and hard it gets, and how it's literally not possible to lose the erection. Plus, if he uses the pills a few times and is able to finish with you, that can help him get over the anxiety to where he won't need the pills later on...

    • Out of curiosity, how does the little blue pill work. i.e. how long before it take effect, and how long does it last. I thought about popping it just for kicks, and as a back up, just in case, I can't perform.

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  • Don't take offense to this but its tough for a guy to stay excited sexually after having sex with the same person for two years straight this has nothing to do with you, this is a universal thing with guys, we get bored. It's possible you guys might need to just spice it up a bit. :) Another thing I know does that to me is mental distraction, gotta stay focused.

    • Thanks for your answer but even in the beginning it was like this

  • Well it does happen to everyone now and then. It is usually from too much stress, masturbation, sex, or mental distraction. Try to do something new switch potions, talk dirty. or hell take some E or lucy and both of you will have the best sex of your life.

    • I heard it's bad to have sex on E cause it's addicting or some sh*t. But thankss

  • I am betting that it is the condom causing the problem

    • We don't use condoms.

  • Well you look kind of cute in your icon, so I don't think your appearance has anything to do with that. A man who is really, really lusting can maintain an erection long after an orgasm. Except for reasons such as age, alcohol and poor circulation.

    • Thanks.. I think=p And he's 24, doesn't consume a lot of alcohol and I don't know about the circulation hah. One time we had gone for weeks without sex then when we finally did, he came in a couple min claiming "he missed me". Which, hey, I thought was a cute answer haha. But thanks for the tips

  • goooood morning, good morning! its-great-to-stay up late, good morning, good morning, to yooouuu!

    :D

    (viagra)

  • haha yes there is never anything wrong with sex. is he on any medication or doing drugs? that can effect an erection or he might not be turned on by you.

    • Pretty sure he's turned on by me, but thanks asshole!

  • it says right on smoke packages that if you smoke you can lose the ability to get a boner and most of the damage done from smoking anything can only be toned down but never completely gone

  • its called Erectile disfunction. it's phycological though, which means its all in his head.

    • I know what ED is. =p

    • then why are you asking the Q? give him viagra.

  • have him play with himself more often without watching p*rn just playn with himself, that should help him find out what he likes and doesn't like...

    • He knows what he likes, but that isn't helping muchh Thanks for answering though

  • Pot. Tell him if he keeps smoking that you're only gonna let him F you with a strapon.

    • That's rough, dude..

  • He should prob go to the doctor and get checked see what's going on there because that used to happen with an ex of mine and I used to think it was me but it wasnt...he should go get checked see what's wrong why that's happening because that's not normal.

    • Thanks

  • You do realize the average time of ejaculation for full penetrative sex is between 6-15 mins. If he can maintain an erection and ejaculate after 10 minutes of intercourse I'd say you and him are doing fine.

    • Well he's gotten a lot better since I posted this (ironically enough), but thank you! I always thought he was doing fine, but he was self conscious and felt inadequate. Even though, I constantly reassure him. Thanks again