My boyfriend has sexual performance anxiety, what do I do now?

My boyfriend is 23 and has sexual performance anxiety. At the start the sex was great. Once he expressed his love is when it started. Lately he gets soft almost every time we have sex. Once he penetrates me he goes soft. He wants to have sex really bad but it keeps happening. It’s awful but I’m really chill and supportive about it. I miss the amazing sex we use to have. He doesn’t know this but, I am very unhappy about this particular facet of our relationship. I feel like I don’t want to have sex at all anymore because of it. Even though he is having this issue he still initiates sex often, he will sometimes attempt 3 times in one night and still have failure. He’s a total horn dog around me but just can’t keep it up once we begin. He’s already suffering from performance anxiety and I feel like I can’t say anything or it will just make it even worse. He knows it’s in his head and he needs to stop focusing on the performance aspect but I guess it’s easier said then done.


Do any women or men who faced this problem have any advice?
1 1

Most Helpful Guys

  • Can I say firstly that I’m not sure this forum is right for advice as I think your b/f needs that directly.. As only he can really explain how he feels and what is going on physiologically as well as psychologically. That being said I do have some general words of experience / wisdom. Be supporting and re-assuring , you speak mainly of how this is affecting you but that’s nothing to what he is going through.. he is trying to overcome it and that is so much better than how he could be dealing with this. Support reassurance and perhaps generally working to maximise his pleasure to take his mind of his performance

  • I'm in the same boat. It's definitely a psychological thing since my girlfriend and I do manage to go through to the end every now and then, but it still ends in disappointment more often than not. It's great that you're communicating and giving him positive affirmation, but if Viagra or other tricks aren't working, he may have to see a doctor or therapist about it. Ones own self doubt can be their worst enemy.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You have to have better communication with him. He has something on his mind he’s afraid to tell u

    • Girl, We have 1-2 hour conversation about this regularly. We are pretty deep as a couple. Which is why I’m not dumping him over impotence.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 11
  • So he has been checked by a doctor for any physical issues? I'm with the first reply, he should get a Viagra or Levitra script. No more Mr. Softee.

    • Yea he’s 23 red blooded male, has morning wood and gets hard just watching me get dressed. He will come over and come onto me, start touching and teasing and then about 15 seconds into penetration he goes soft. Then he just apologizes a million times, I say it’s fine we can just fool around, then he will try again. Rinse and repeat the same scenario.

    • Something in his head is getting in the way then. He likely needs some counseling for it.

  • He needs a confidence booster women’s aren't the only ones that emotion affects them. Maybe talk to him see if he has a fantasy. Or sometimes getting him angry and then getting him to take his frustrations out on well... You get the point

  • Sex therapist

  • How old is he?

    • 23 years old

    • Ohhh... ok then there’s no way it could be erectile dysfunction. Well you can try this. Tell him to try masturbating to porn or something and if he manages to stay hard and cum? Then it’s not him... it’s you

    • @Danny_dan82 I was about to say porn lowers testosterone and would make it worse, but then I read the rest of it. Very clever and I think it would be a great test.

    • Show All
  • I stopped after you said you were supportive. I'm going to judge by your wording that your support is very surface level, like saying "oh no, it was good" and just ending the reassurance there. It's much more authentic to have that conversation either before or after or even a situation like when you're driving home together after a date to tell him it's great. *update* it caught my eye when you said your words will make it worse, no it won't. Nothing you can say could possibly make it worse. He doesn't know it's in his head because if he did, this wouldn't be happening. Have this conversation with him, be more vocal of your pleasure, and he'll be fine.

    • Wow, the level of assumptions in this reply. We talk about it all the time. The only thing we don’t talk about is I FEEL. We talk for hours about him, how he feels, what’s in his head and I offer suggestions and I listen to him and I’m open and communicative. Please try when you offer a response, never to just assume information.

    • Oh your 19... your reply makes sense now.

    • Age is a very weak argument. And if you did, this wouldn't be happening now would it?

    • Show All
  • Try bluechew, they're like Viagra but you don't need a dr.

    • And probably a fraction of the price. Viagra lost their patent.

    • They're kind of expensive too but, they work.

    • I will look into it. I read a forum with a woman who said this happened with her husband. Her husband used viagra for about 2 months and then he was able to have a mental breakthrough and never needed it again because his confidence was back.

    • Show All
  • See a doctor

  • Get a different boyfriend.

  • Viagra will solve that problem for now until he figures out why

  • Mental. But it also can be problems with testosterone.

    Tell him to try vasodilators like l arginine

    • I have trouble cumming after I get in relationships. Never had a problem with ED though.

  • Sounds like issues in his head? Seek a therapist. Tell him to wear a cock ring?

    • I brought up the cock ring. He got angry.

    • I could see that, but it sounds like he’s not willing to try anything or do much about it by the sounds of things? If he truly loves you he should want to try things and look into options or talk or see somebody? The cock ring was just a suggestion. I don’t need one but I like to wear one to enhance things and spice things up. It def keeps the blood flow in for fuller erections and to last longer, and also the vibrator helps her on her clit. I have two great ones from WeVibe! But something is going on with him. Is he masturbating too much or stressed or anything?

    • You know, I had a conversation with him yesterday to try and get to the bottom of it. He said that it’s all psychological. He said he thinks it has to do with the fact that he feels an extreme pressure to perfect all the time because “I’m out of his league”. So he explained that he starts thinking that he’s not doing a good job or that I’m much more sexually experienced because I’m his 2nd partner ever and he’s 23 and I’m 29 and have had a very advertuours sexual life.