My boyfriend likes p*rn...a lot

So he's promised over and over again not to look at p*rn, it's completely not my thing. He looks everyday and he knows it upsets me. I've offered to make p*rn with him if he has to look at something but he says he doesn't want to. It's important to me that I can keep my mans attention but he doesn't care. He says he needs p*rn to wank because men are visual and if he was to wank with nudes of me then it wouldn't be a fantasy and the fantasy is the point of wanking. But how can he even enjoy it if every time I find out it sends me into tears and he knows it. Why is the woman you "love" not enough?
Updates:
+1 y
If he wanks and looks at p*rn then we don't have sex. And as it is we only have sex once a week. If we had sex more often it wouldn't be a problem but as you can understand it has put a very large strain on us.
+1 y
Thanks for everyones answer weither you like p*rn or not, it's given me a lot to think about and while I still don't agree with it for the addiction it has caused in my boyfriend and the problend it has caused in my relationship, my boyfriend is trying.
+1 y
This has gone beyond p*rn now- I asked him to stop because it was hampering our sexlife and he said he would- he has done this repeatedly- lied over and over again. It's a breach of trust. If I can't trust him with small things... You get the point.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Part 2

    (4) The problem is not in your hormones or your body, but the enemy struggling for control of your mind. The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Church in Rome, made a statement that is little heeded in our pleasure oriented, self-centered world. He said (this is from the NIV translation), "Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your MIND." This is not a quick fix. Transformation requires something out of you. Notice that the key to transformation is in changing your MIND. You see, this particular problem stems from the fact that you are able view women (or men) as objects of your pleasure. Transformation comes by changing your mind on this. The problem is in your viewpoint.

    You begin by telling yourself the truth - that all human beings, whether male or female, are direct creations of a Holy God, created in His image and that they were not placed on this earth for your satisfaction. As you begin to tell yourself this truth over and over again, you will be unable to continue lusting after the fantasies you have created in your mind because reality will have set in. You will see that nothing in what you are doing now is satisfying and that working towards a solid relationship that includes fidelity, faithfulness, love and respect, will be satisfying. You will begin to believe the truth so much, that even looking at the pictures will making you ill. You will no longer have to constantly be concerned about leaving it aside, it will leave you.

    (5) YOU ARE NOT AN ANIMAL (no matter what drivel they teach in public schools), at the mercy of your hormones and physical sensations. God has instilled in humans the ability to think and to reason. In making ourselves to be slaves of the physical, we must put all reason aside and become as animals. This is not how we were created. Naturalism says that we are an accident of nature and just a higher order of animal. Creation says that we are distinct, not only as a species, but each individual. Not only are you not an animal without reason, the person you are looking at is not an animal. At this point, this is how you are treating them. The pleasure you are getting here and now is going to have future repercussions - not only future, but eternal. Nothing we do is for the here and now. Everything thought and action effects eternity (more on that in a moment).

    (6) Understand the difference between the immediate and the eternal. Every word, every deed, indeed, every thought has eternal consequences. Again, naturalism has taught you to live in the immediate because there can be no eternal. However, the reality is that there is an eternal and you are part of it. Every thought you have in darkness has negative eternal value because every thought is going to work it's way outward in how you view and treat others. In reality, your immediate desire is not important in the entire scope of things.

    See Part 3

    • Oh look, more copypasta.

    • porn is not sinful and I Am Very Religious and watch it often with my wife

    • Premarital sex is a sin, & people in p*rn are having premarital sex Hammer

  • Part 3

    Once you get a grip on that reality, you are more willing to reassess what you are thinking. One of the best quotes I have ever read said that, "wisdom is knowing reality and adjusting yourself to it."

    (7) You must realize that this is a PROCESS. It will take time. God is going to be more patient with you if you are willing to do this than you will be with yourself. When we come to Christ, God has to remold us into the image of Christ. Sin has marred the original image. The process is lifelong and sometimes very painful, for both Him and His clay. C.S. Lewis made a great analogy. He said that when God begins that process, we sometimes don't mind too much because He begins with the seemingly larger, but actually smaller issues. He sweeps house, takes down pictures, covers up a few holes here and there. Not too bad. Eventually though, He starts into the things that are not quite so obvious. He starts tearing out walls and ripping up carpet, etc. Ouch! We think, "what on earth is He up to? That hurts!" Lewis response was that our thinking is wrong. We think he only wants to clean up His new dwelling, but He is the King of Kings. He needs to remake us, His temple, into a palace fit for Him to live in. The issue you are facing seems large, but it is one of the more obvious and actually less painful remakes you will go through in your journey to becoming like Christ. However, if you never get past it, you'll never get on to the rest of the process and remain pretty much where you are spiritually. My advice is to do whatever it takes now. Maturity is very much worth it. Eternity is very much worth it. Freedom is very much worth it. Reality is very much worth it. Human beings are very much worth it - at least Christ thought so. He was willing to take the punishment we deserved in order to bring us back into relationship with Creator God. Are you willing to begin the process of giving up fantasy for reality, maturity, eternity and for others.

    (8)If you are a spouse of a p*rn addict, demand counseling. It is your spousal right to expect faithfullness and it is your spousal responsibility not to allow your spouse to be caught up into such sin without great attempts at intervention. How can you be a good help meet and let this continue? Please, please realize that the chance of escalation is enormous.

    (9) If you are a parent of a p*rn addicted child - GET THEM COUNSELING! Those images are never going to leave their minds, but the hope is that they can stop seeing humans as objects of their own pleasure before they hurt others.

    (10) If someone you know is viewing child p*rn, even if it is your spouse or child, the best favor you could do for them is to turn them in to law authorities. This kind of issue needs special help and intervention. Again, the chance of escalation is high.

    Good Luck with your boyfriend!

    • Oh look, MORE copypasta.

    • porn is not sinful and I Am Very Religious and watch it often with my wife

    • Well actually it is a sin because premarital sex is a sin. The people in p*rn are not married, so therefore, they are sinning.

  • Part 1

    (1) Tell someone you trust about the addiction. The power of sin is in its darkness. When sin is brought out into the light, it loses a lot of steam. The best idea is to enlist an accountability partner with whom you will promise to be honest. The Word of God tells us that we need to confess our sins not just to the Lord, but to each other. If you are married, you need to make confession to your spouse. If you are a minor, you need to confess to your parents. Whoever has been wronged by your actions needs a confession. That brings up another issue: is p*rnography a victimless problem?

    (2) Pornography is not victimless. The addict is the first victim. I will discuss that in more detail below. Spouses are victims. If married, you have left the sanctity of the marital vows. What? Just by looking. Un huh. Jesus said that the sin has been committed when the mind is engaged, remember? The action is just the result of the actual sin. If unmarried, you have already cheated your future mate. All matters regarding our sexuality were created for a two-fold purpose within marriage. One is for procreation. The other is for a sort of bond or cement to the marriage vows. God's Word is clear on His created purpose for human sexuality. There are clear boundaries. Going against the created purpose of the universe is butting one's head against reality. There WILL be consequences. Just like in an athletic game, staying within the boundaries allows you to not only keep playing, but to win. Those who continually go out of bounds either get sidelined or lose. They will never be happy or find any joy in it. Love is not a feeling, but a daily act of commitment to the well-being of the beloved. By its very nature addiction to p*rn is a self-centered, self-absorbed way of life. It's all about you. That was not God's intent for marital love and commitment.

    (3) Pornography is based purely on fantasy. Reality can never match the fantasy. Again, one is living against reality here. There will be an escalating desire for the fantasy to become reality. Eventually escalation becomes necessary. Pornography acts like heroin on the brain. The viewer may start off with very mild p*rn, but that will cease to excite. They will slowly move into harder forms. When that ceases to excite, some form of acting out will happen. It's all about choosing reality over fantasy. The reality is fairly dull. This is why so many are disappointed in marriage. Porn addicts are inordinately affected with this issue because the fantasy has become an alternative reality that can and will never be true.

    See Part 2

    • Stupid Christians, stop preaching your morality as if it's some kind of absolute truth.

    • Are you a p*rn addict or something?

    • No, I am not, and your assumption that I would be just because I disagree with your religion and many of it's associated moral teachings is ridiculous.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • A lot of women like yourself take it personally. It's not about that. It is a fantasy. It's an escape mechanism like any other activity or drug one can get hooked on. The sex part of the male mind is approximately 2.5 times larger than that of a female's, which means we generally have it on our minds more than women. If every woman made a deal with the man that they are with that every single time they needed to release their sexual tension, I bet women would fold after a fairly short period of time. Another reason is because sex is process that takes longer while masturbation can be accomplished in a few short minutes. There could be several different reasons for him masturbating to p*rn. Now on to why he didn't accept your offer to make your own personal p*rn or nude pictures: Like I said before and like he said, p*rn is about the fantasy. We see p*rn stars as objects and not really as people. We see these girls acting like complete sluts and doing anything that we want to see them do. A lot of guys have certain kinky sexual fantasies that may be embarrassing to tell their girlfriends/wives and like to find it in p*rn. This is where a lot of girls would say "But I'm kinky. I'd understand." Well we don't know that for sure. There is a thin line between being a little kinky and being a sexual deviant (which will make you partner look at you differently if not in disgust) for what you like and everyone draws that line in different areas. A lot of people, man or woman, don't fully divulge their sexual fantasies for that very reason.

    The minds of men and women are different. Women think that there is something wrong with them and they think their guys want these girls. We don't. I think most men would decline if given the opportunity to date a girl in p*rn. Porn, like everything else, is fine in moderation, so if he is looking at it so much that it negatively affects other aspects of his life, it should be fine.

    • I suppose I understand mentally but I don't think I can accept it. I mean we have sex once a week maybe but I'd be up for it a few times a day- it's not me. The biggest problem is if he wanks he's not up for sex so I feel like I'm being robbed by a website! He says he's got a low sex drive and mines too high but why does he look at p*rn so much?

    • That's crucial information I think. A lot of women don't like their guys watching p*rn because they think it's a referendum on them. However, this is different in my opinion. You have sex maybe once a week, but you'd like more. He claims to have a low sex drive, yet he is getting off on p*rn a lot. That is out of the realm of normal. Maybe an addiction to p*rn? I'm not quite sure. You've got me stumped.

  • I think you need to leave him. He's dating you, not the p*rn, but that's not so apparent with his addiction. If he can give you the respect and see you as more important AND as more beautiful than some hos on the internet, then he can keep his p*rn and wank to it all day without dragging you behind. This is a case where you desire a companion and need someone that will see you as utmost. I mean... what do the words "I love you and will only love you," mean if there's the clause "as long as I can watch other women naked," mean? It's like getting married, but going to a strip club or hiring a prostitute to satisfy his needs for when he wants to change it up. He obviously doesn't love you, he just likes you, or just likes having you around, or just sees parts of you as attractive; however, regardless of what his excuse may be... his priorities aren't straight, and if its going to bring you in tears, then its not for you.

    The big issue here is that he was far beyond an addict (probably, my assumption) before the two of you dated, and while I don't support p*rn, I also don't support the forced change of a companion. It has to be something that he chooses to do because he wants to... so your two options are either leave him or deal with his decisions.

    • I meant, "If he can't* give you the respect..."

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Men have short attention spans. They start looking at P... in middle school if not sooner. It's always been there and not going away, if it bothers you so much, find someone who does NOT make you cry. You may love him, but that is not a good enough reason to be hurt. Or just accept that he watches p*rn. Or try a compromise, don't give him sex if he won't stop.

    • watch it with him

  • It has nothing to do with you. As long as he can get an erection to you while you're there (without p*rn), it's not a problem.

    It doesn't mean that he doesn't think you're attractive or "enough". Some guys just like p*rn and will continue to watch it regardless of how attractive their girlfriends are.

  • Obviously you both are still too young to compromise THAT far, even though each has a point about sex in self satisfaction terms. Nothing seems to manipulate the other, even a bit! Patience - this common grounds will be found as years roll by. Until then, even small compromises establish a beachhead for more important ones to come (work, kids, money, ugh).

    Since you are the one reaching out on this forum while he does his thing, I suggest it is you that must perform the first compromise. Since you hate p*rn but miss sex, I'll try to be as delicate as possible. Don't judge first impressions - sleep on it awhile before experimenting with this idea.

    Replace his wanker hand during his p*rn habit.

    You don't have to participate in watching it.

    One extreme could be you are blindfolded with earplugs/stereo CD, while he gets off (you might also).

    At least that's a training start in replacing his quickie wank fantasies with you.

    • Have tried these ideas ... or any of the others? Your update suggests that the only news is that "you asked" again and he didn't respond. Is this correct?

  • If he wank sand doesn't have sex, pity. I can wank and still have sex (and it might last longer since I just got off :P) haha. Oh well. he needs better stamina. The p*rn itself isn't a problem. Just as long as it's not more important than you. Should make sure he knows that you need to know it isn't more important than you.

    And we just like p*rn. Woman might not always be around, and my imagination is awesome, but sometimes p*rn gives me more ideas and then I just imagine it with the woman I love (if any at the time). But that's me. Some guys just really wanna screw around with a lot of people

    • @ update: then break up with him. If it's a problem effecting your sex life (cause he's rejecting you, not because you think it is but it really isn't like he's wanting to try new things) then dump him.

  • Think about it this way men are wired to spread seed and women are wired to want to have kids. Orgasms for men are neccesary in reproduction and in women there not. Women want a deep emotional family orented man because they wired to want kids and raise a big family. Men for the most part don't care about that stuff as much because we a more wired to seek multiple partners and spread as much of our seed as possible. If womens biological impulses and habits were as offesive to men as ours are to women more women wouldn't have such a problem understanding this issue from our perspective.

  • I'd very willingly TRY to give up p*rn for my girlfriend if she asked me to, and very willingly WOULD give it up if she wanted to record us. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds like he may not be attracted to you anymore. And you said you only have sex once a week?

    I will say this though, as much as him watching it may suck, it IS better than him cheating on you - right? Unless there's some clues he's doing that too, but I don't know. I'm of little help. :S

  • why don't you guys do a p*rn together or invite me over and I'll make one with you. he can film it.

  • you need to settle down on this p*rn deal... its a guy thing.. just let it be. It doesn't mean anything about his feelings for you.

    • then why does a man feel the need to want to watch other women NAKED and having sex, when he has his own beautiful woman?

    • Men are built differently.. they have sexual urges that don't match the emotional level for his g/f... There are things I like in p*rn that I would never do with my girlfriend.. that shows the divide in feelings.

    • I'm really open though(pun intended) I'll try pretty much anything once. It just boggles me- I'm a Joan(from mad men) an hourglass- huge boobs, miniscule waist, huge butt- which he says he loves but the girls in his mags don't look like me in the least. They look like overly madeup dolls and I'm more or a natural beauty type girl- how can he be attracted to both or is it more than guys really will f*** anything with legs?

    • Show All
  • watch it with him while you're banging..thats what we do

  • get off his balls, it's his life, not yours. If you want more sex, be more exciting to him, slut it up a notch

  • I like p*rn a lot too

    • me and my wife do too

  • ATTENTION women, get over this pr0n thing. You'll never stop us and we'll never stop watching it. The less you know about men's masturbation habits the better, besides masturbation is private and how do you think we feel about you intruding on our privacy.

    • Why does masterbatuon have to be private? I've done it in front of him plenty of times but for him to do it in front of me is a no go. He likes watching me but won't let me watch him. His last girlfriend was really unsexual, do you think it's possibly carry over from that? They dated two years and had little sex. I figured he'd be jumping for it but maybe he's been too starved?

    • Well that's different. I guess I misunderstood. Yeah, he aught to be able to get it on in front of you. The thing is, men are attracted to many women and have the sperm count to match. Sexually we can get our rocks off at least every day and to deny us pr0n is naive at best. But here's what it doesn't mean, pr0n does not mean that he will not be faithful and it does not mean he's not satisfied with you. His body on the other hand is looking to spread his seed to many women, which pr0n simulates.

    • the point is, how would you feel if your amazing hot girlfriend watched big d!ck this, big c0ckXXX that, when you werent around and pleasuring herself. wouldn't you feel like you werent good enough?

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  • I wonder how they would feel if we were getting off to p*rn more than having sex with them now that is a slap in the face! Also I wouldn't take fantasy as an excuse (unless he knew for a fact that his partner wouldn't be willing to explore) When he could talk to his girl and make it a reality.

    • thank you! I am right there with you I don't get this sh*t and it really aggrevates me as well

  • I agree, I am happily married and still watch p*rn a lot. You may be being selfish instead of harnessing his fantasies. Sometimes wse want to watch strangers f***.

  • I don't really care if my guy looks at p*rn, it's just something that he looks at. It's not like he's cheating on me and he's done it tons before so I don't know... I just don't care. As long as there is no other women he is pleasing in actual life.

    • I just don't find it a problem to not have sex with my guy. As long as we are spending happy quality time together. What happens if one of us is no longer capable? It is still the main portion of our relationship that counts, which is that we enjoy each others company regardless of sex.

    • good answer