My boyfriend wants to finger me, but I'm not ready...

[Anonymous]

After a football game on a school bus, my boyfriend and I started making out. Things got passionate and next thing I knew, his hand started slipping under the part of my shorts where my leg comes out. Eventually, his hand ended up stroking me a little. I tried breaking the kiss several times, but he started kissing up my neck and soon we were kissing again until finally, I said, "We REALLY can't go there. I'm sorry." I feel bad, but I'm not ready. We're both Christians and have taken the purity pledge, but I think our definition of purity is different. I didn't want him touching me there because I knew that 1) touching leads to sex and I probably wouldn't stop 2) I didn't want to become a mega tease (which I accidentally) 3) I was not about to have my first time on a bus... What do I do to say that I'm not ready for THAT?

[Peter0]

So, just to check, did he ask before he put his hand in your shorts? Just doing something to a girl leads to problems (worst case, rape) (and yes, doing that without consent counts as sexual assault. And I know most people do it - doesn't change the facts)

And this is why it's not cool - he was doing something that made you uncomfortable, and somehow it's your responsibility to deal with it.

Don't feel bad; you did the right thing, and you handled it very well! You might tell him that before he does anything else, he should ask if it's okay. And when he does ask, if you don't want to do it yet, tell him you aren't there yet, but you'd like to keep kissing/making out (assuming that's true).

(BTW, I totally think people should sleep together before they get married - good sex is important. Good job sticking to your ideals, tho - and hope everything gets worked out smoothly once you're married (get lube beforehand, just in case. And condoms if you don't want kids immediately. And plan to laugh when it's awkward.))

[Asker]

No, he didn't ask but he stopped when I insisted and just held me and talked to me

[Peter0]

Well, no, most people don't think to ask. It's good that you could sit down and talk... hopefully you can move forward from there & still be happy with what you're doing :)

[Anonymous]

Just tell him that you are not ready. You obviously feel strongly about your feelings on sexual contact. I know it can be hard to be a christian in today's society but don't let anyone make you feel bad about not feeling comfortable doing something that is against your beliefs. I am a christian as well you are not alone. But back to your boyfriend if he doesn't respect you enough to keep his hands off you then you are much better off without him. Trust me most guys only want what they can't have and the like the thrill of the chase.

[AliceMcKay]

Just tell him exactly what you said. Perhaps discuss what the purity pledge mean to each of you.

I personally do not believe in the purity pledge because marriage is just a piece of paper, but what ever you feel comfortable with is what you should tell your boyfriend. :) Hopefully he understands.

[stubbsy]

Say it as you feel it, if you feel uncomfortable about the way he touches you or where he touches you, make it clear the next time you make out that he keeps his hands to himself, because any worthy guy of you would be happy with what ever you decided, so if you decide to wait and not go that far, ie hand down your panties up your top etc, then make it clear to him, hands to himself, if he don't respect this, then he's a total loser and deserves to be dumped with the rubbish, because you are making sure that when you do go that far, you are ready and its going to be with the right guy, not some idiot who thinks he can have a bit of fun when he likes, so maintain your self respect, and make sure he respects that, your in control not him, me prefer girls who respect themselves, no one likes a woman who was easy enough to get fingered on the bus, not a nice reputation to get for any girl,especially a virgin,x

[Longshot]

You can simply tell him how you feel about things and have a discussion with him. To me purity pledges seem ignore natural human and biological needs. Fulfiling natural sexual desires especially with someone you are close to is just normal. In the short run, abstaining from any activity might work. In the long run, it might not work between two people who have real feelings for each other.

[madhatters4]

you just say it. and if he is at all a gentlemen he should respect your request. you're absolutely within your right to only do what you are comfortable with and he should respect your and your desires enough not to push you beyond those desires

[summiter]

You said the correct thing. He needs to respect that. As you know teenage boys are incredibly horny, need to jerk off daily and think about sex all the time. However, that does not mean they can do things to you which you are not ready for just yet.

When you decide to take things to the next level, a school bus is not the right place. Both of you need to be comfortable with the situation.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

plus it's tacky to finger a girl around other people. You say exactly what you typed in your question.

[rotinaj10]

How is passionate kissing different? It is all part of the same thing. If you have a good make out session he will get turned on. There is no way he is always going to be able to stop himself from letting his hands wander.

Tell him you don't want any sexual contact of any kind... That's the only way it's going to work.

[SaltandVinegar]

Looks like he is not taking his purity pledge seriously lololol he is a horny young guy he wants to f***!

[Anonymous]

Exactly what you said here.

I am older than you and have seen how these things go. What he did was on the edge of sexual; assault and indicates a fundamental lack of control and/or tactical hypocrisy on his pledge.

Two things.

1. I would exit the relationship because it is contaminated by this single event. There will be more like it until you unhappily "give in". Start a new one in a new and clean and revised state of mind.

2. You should rethink a purity pledge if it involves absolute abstinence. In the end, it is unworkable for guys, who will resort to a menu of p0rn, masturbation and maybe even FWB to slake desire. Young guys are validated in a relationship by two things: Being useful (fixing your car) and by sexuality (physical intimacy and, literally, orgasm by some means). He needs both with you to feel loved and worthy. With my own 19 year old daughter, I hinted that intercourse should wait for a ring, while everything else is "young love". Yes, that includes oral.

The Man and The Woman in Song Of Songs had a hot relationship. They were intimate on some level beyond kissing 3,000 years ago. (No, it is not only an allegory about Christ's love for the church.) Scripture admonishes against Fornication (intercourse without a ring) but it does not prohibit intimacy (in my opinion). I think a no intercourse pledge is righteous and workable.

[Peter0]

Abstinence is unworkable for guys? What on earth have you been smoking? Unusual, perhaps, in our sex-drenched country, but unworkable? We're certainly told we're supposed to want sex. Trying to be funny is one thing, but answering a question like that goes a bit far.

[Opinion Owner]

In your opinion, perhaps but the facts remain. What varies is time.

[Anonymous]

Its just fingering. The only thing he could do wrong is put his finger in your butt instead. Hopefully this dude knows a woman's anatomy.

[Peter0]

Hopefully he knows to get her consent before he commits sexual assault.