My ex took advantage of me...Am I at fault?

My Ex took advantage of me. My first time was with him. He took me to the movies, and asked if we could go back to his place and have sex. He had been asking me, and I was telling him I wanted to wait. He told me,"you're punishing someone else because of your morals." This kind of made me feel bad, so I gave in. I rode to his house with him. And when he tried to penetrate me I put my hands on his chest trying to push him away because I was in pain. He didn't stop he just said, "It's almost in there." So I just laid there, scared to stop him because I didn't want to upset him. A couple days later, I told him I had a vaginal tear, and he said," Sorry." and I said, "its okay." Then he said," now I want your mouth." I said, "No." and he got upset and stop talking to me for 2 days straight. Then he texted me saying,"hey." I told him how I felt he pressured me to have sex with him and he said," if you don't like it, leave me alone." and "I have a lot of sexual needs." I got mad and we stopped talking. Then a week or two later he texted me. He told me he wanted to see me to talk. Then, he work his way around asking to perform oral sex on me, because he wanted to "make things up to me". I told him no, because I wasn't comfortable performing oral on him. He said he wanted to do it anyway. And I also told him no sex. And he reply, "No sex, except me doing you orally." And I said maybe. But when I got to his house he performed oral on me, made me perform oral on him(and recorded it on his phone), then tried to have sex. I got really scared when he tried to penetrate me vaginally, and I tried to push him away several times, and he didn't stop until I said "ouch." When I got home I was swollen really big down there. My clitoris was swollen pretty big, and my labia minoras were too(so bad that they were covering up my urethra and vaginal opening). And now my sister is trying to make me press charges. I don't want to. I went to the ER the night it happened, and they did a rape kit and everything. When the police questioned me I could tell he didn't believe me. And they said it wasn't rape because I didn't verbally stop him. I don't want to go through with pressing charges, I just want to try and forget this ever happened. My sister wants to press charges because of the video, but I doubt that would change anything. He took me off as his friend on Facebook when he found out about this, and made it so I couldn't look him up. But more than likely he has already shown the video, and that won't change what people think of me. But the detective seems to believes me. He called my ex and left a message on his phone. Then, my ex texted me like 40 minutes after and said, " A detective called and said you were filing charges saying I raped you, I didn't rape you, and you know it." This really upset me, because he's denying that he actually forced me to do something I told him I didn't want to. I'm really scared, and I feel guilty. Is this my fault?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • First off, it IS date rape. Second, it is not your fault. I know that this reply is late but you have to know this. While you can not access Facebook, goto Yahoo, set up a fake account, go to Facebook do the same using the yahoo address. I doubt that the video is there (FB) as they do routinely delete material that is adult orientated or p*rnographic.

    Most males, when faced with a charge of rape are going to deny it. They think that you want it, therefore you do.

    As a year has passed, to much time might have gone by to press charges, although if you wanted to you could call the detective and inquire about your case. If not, that is up to you. I understand all to well the looks, the perceived thoughts about questions thy are asking themselves, the dirtyness and the ugliness associated with it all to well.

    I am sorry that your first time doing anything sexual. I hope, for you, that someday you will meet someone that can put you at ease, show you how you should feel, what a man is really like. The feelings of guilt will only go away when you absolve yourself of the 'sins' that you think you have commited (not meant in a religious way). You did nothing wrong. Once you realize that, face it, and know that it is true, these feelings will persist.

    Either way, face the truth, accept it for what it is and put that piece of sh*t out of your mind. If there is anything that I hate more then any kind of child abuse, it is a crime like this against any male/female. It is about more then just the sex. It is also one of power and control. Kick these feelings to the curb once and for all and free yourself of this power and control that he has over you.

    You are a beautiful woman, one that I hope finds someone that will treat her good and show her what a real man and romance is all about. Even if he is older then you. Even if it is just as friends, or something more. Learn to love, trust and feel again. If for no other reason then to spite him. He definitely did not deserve to deflower you in any way. He proved his trustworthiness,honor, and morals, now prove that you are better in every way and get over him.

    • Thanks! And I did press charges but nothing was done so after a year I just closed the case. I have anger pinned up inside and I'm just trying to get this out of my mind.

  • These types of situations are hard, because while we all agree that the majority of the blame is with the guy, who is clearly a selfish a-hole who doesn't care about you at all, IMO, you *do* share a bit of the blame. Not because you didn't do enough to stop him once you decided not to continue. That much was all on him.

    But you made a series of bad choices that you KNEW were wrong, because you were trying to make someone happy who clearly didn't care much about how YOU felt. You gave in to him pressuring you in the first place when you knew you weren't ready, and even after he hurt you and clearly didn't care, you went back for seconds.

    I'm pointing this out only because if you don't change that behavior and start standing up for yourself, you're going to open yourself up to be used and abused again, and none of us want to see that happen.

    There ARE good guys out there who would never do this to you. You need to figure out how to find those guys, and how to avoid the ones that all about what THEY want. The last thing you want when it comes to sex, or a relationship, is someone who is selfish.

    Please take this in the spirit it was intended. No one wants to see you hurt again.

    • Thanks. And I understand.

Most Helpful Girls

  • You allowed this to happen my dear, it could have been prevented had you have stood your ground. I am not saying that he had the right to do this to you because he didn't. In life you will come across jerk offs that only care about their needs and you need to be strong and say "No" and mean it. Once you enter into a relationship or you are with someone who "likes" you the "I's" don't exist it is about "Us" and "We". He was being selfish and you allowed him to disrespect you. A person will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

    You are a respectful young lady, and you should do things when you are ready. If you do not feel comfortable doing something, then do not do it. When a man really likes you he will substitute the "I's" for "We". He will wait until you are ready, and not pressure you. He will enjoy being with you, and the last thing on his mind will be about getting into your pants. This is not your fault, he took advantage of a girl that he knew was weak. You liked him so much, that you made yourself feel uncomfortable for his pleasure. Stay away from him. Once you say "No" and he does not listen, it is automatically rape even if you do not physically fight him. It is sex against your will, and you have every right to press charges. But please, surround yourself with people that care and respect you.

    • Thanks...and It's hard for me to be mean or firm with people, and many people misunderstand that. :( But I pushed him, I didn't really fight. And because I didn't "verbally" stop him by law they can't do much.

    • I used to be like that when I was 15/16. But then I learned men will walk all over you if you let them. You have to be firm at times, even if you may not like it. I'm sure there isn't much they can do, the police didn't have much to go off of. But let this be a learning lesson and do not repeat the cycle.

    • Yea, I know. that's what my sister was telling me.

  • Sounds like rape to me.

    In certain ways.

    Thing is, if AT ANY POINT YOU WANT TO STOP AND HE DOESN'T IT'S RAPE. Doesn't matter if you consented 2 minutes ago, if you suddenly say no, or you try to push him off...it's rape.

    And videos?

    Come on, you don't seem like an idiot.

    I would have broken his f***ing phone, ripped his balls off with my teeth, spat them out in his face, and walked away.

    But then again, I used to have an ex like yours, which is probably why now--I don't trust people as far as I can throw them. Start usin some common sense.

    Press charges because technically they wouldn't have given you a rape kit if the extent of the damage didn't warrant one.

    • Also... Not your fault. Your fault for hangin out with a character of his...sh*tty caliber... I vote you keep away from this fool.

    • Yea, I am keeping my distance with him now. But I was just scared which is why I didn't do anything the whole times. But the DA said that it may not be a good case because of what happened and how it happened. And I just don't want to deal with, don't want to face him, and deal with people accusing me of lying or just wanting attention like many rape victims have been accused of.

    • Where's Benson and Stabler when you need them, eh?

  • Why the hell did you go to his house with him? FFS! So many girls make this mistake thinking the guy won`t do nothing. Guys have a much different mindset than us girls.

    Are you at fault? No, but you really shouldn`t have gone back to his place with him.

    "You`re punishing someone else because of your morals" That's just complete and utter BS, said to make you feel bad and it had the desired result.

    Don`t feel guilty, he had no right to do what he did. There was nothing you could do, he was much stronger than you and determined. Just be glad you`re safe now.

    • Thanks...and I don't know why I went back, just being naive.

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What Girls & Guys Said

5 3
  • IF you ask a guy to stop and he doesn't stop... it's rape

    If you tell a guy you don't want to do it and he keeps pressuring you to do it anyway, it's ceorcon (sorry I spelled that wrong) which is a form of sexual harassment.

    • Thanks for answering my question. I'm still having trouble dealing with it at times. The nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks are terrible, but somehow I still feel like maybe it was my fault.

    • You didn't ask for nightmares, flashbacks or terrors and fears did you when you signed up for a relationship with this guy? It is NOT your fault. He should have stopped when you asked for it. If I were you, I'd talk to a psychologist so that you can prove you got medical assistance for your trauma or pain... this will increase your chances of winning a case against him in court. good luck

    • Well I was referred to a counselor through the hospital I went to. Police don't seem to think it was rape because I went to his house. So far they haven't done anything. :/

  • NO. no no no no no.

  • ehh it hurt you that bad, were you a virgin

    • yea, the first time was my first time. the second time I was scared.

    • yea I did your profile check , your really 4'8 and only 97 pounds, now I see why it would hurt you and you were at the hositpal, you couldn't stop the bleeding or something

    • I was swollen, and yes I'm still bleeding.

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  • no its not your fault you didn't want him to do it. but he is an ass and insensitive.. all he wanted was sex the whole time and you should of never let him video tape u! no telling where he might post it since he is pretty mad at u. to be completely honest the rape case more then likely won't stick. I think it is best to just completely leave him alone and to get a restraining order on him

    • Thanks...and I didn't want him to record it, I was just too scared to stop him.

  • you are too nice to him but its not your fault you are nice that's the way you are. Nice people get taken advantage of by these f*** heads.He sees the opportunity and he takes it to get into your pants without consideration of your feelings. F***him, Its all his fault!

    • Thanks...yea I think I am too nice. Your answer made me feel a little better.

  • Heart breaking and Sickening,Lost your virginity to a guy whose gonna ruin your reputation even after you've waited this long.

    And whoever told you it wasn't rape is a damn fool,even if during 60 minutes of consentual intercourse and 1 minute out of that you said no, i.e you pushing him away several times it is classified as rape.Whether or not you want to press charges it's down to you but this will be your only and last chance to do so.

    As for the video recording,yes you can go to the police and he will get his Phone taken off him and get a warning or even worse arrested.It is an invasion of your privacy

    That being said learn from your mistakes and try to have a stronger will,I'm 22 and going strong,it's not impossible,All the best x

    • Thanks for the advice.and yea the police officer didn't think it was rape.

  • "He took me to the movies, and asked if we could go back to his place and have sex. He had been asking me"

    He told me,"you're punishing someone else because of your morals." This kind of made me feel bad, so I gave in. I rode to his house with him.

    ----- How does you giving in equal him taking advantage of you?

    ".. I just laid there, scared to stop him because I didn't want to upset him. A couple days later, I told him I had a vaginal tear, and he said," Sorry." and I said, "its okay."

    ------ You laid there, you didn't stop him and you said "it's okay"? How did he take advantage of you?

    "Then, he work his way around asking to perform oral sex on me, because he wanted to "make things up to me". I told him no, because I wasn't comfortable performing oral on him. He said he wanted to do it anyway. And I also told him no sex. And he reply, "No sex, except me doing you orally." And I said maybe."

    ---- He told you what he wanted, you said "maybe". How did he "take advantage" of you?

    ".. when I got to his house he performed oral on me, made me perform oral on him(and recorded it on his phone)"

    ----- After all this you went to his house knowing what he wanted. If you were "scared" after the first time, why would you "go to is house" the second time after he even told you his intentions? You even said "maybe"!

    Do you really have to ask if you are at fault? You may want people to be nice make you feel like you are the victim but You Are Clearly Not. How shameful.

    • So you are saying he should have MADE me perform oral on him and have sex after I told him NO sex, even though I did go to his house? My first time was with him. I trusted him, I didn't expect this to him.

    • *happen.

    • So you are saying that AFTER he told you he wanted sex, AND AFTER he said "you"re punishing someone else because of your morals" and it "kinda made you feel bad", AND AFTER he tried to penetrate you and you put your hands on his chest to "push him away" but he didn?t stop, AND AFTER you were "scared to stop him", AND AFTER you had a "vaginal tear", AND AFTER he told you "if you don"t like it, leave me alone". AND AFTER he told you he had "a lot of sexual needs", AND AFTER he told you he wants

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  • If you hadn't gone out with him none of this would have happened!

    if you knew he was horny you should not have gone there.

    • What does going out with him has to do with him making me do something I made clear I didn't want to. He wasn't that damn horny, that he couldn't control himself.