Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I've had this struggle for too long now and I think I should talk about it. A bit of background history of what may have caused this, My mother had her first child at 16 and when I was conceived she was sleeping around with 4 guys and we're never certain on which one is my biological father, there is one guy who she's certain on but we never bothered to find out and the guy left my life when I was 5 and my first step dad was more into fucking my mother than being a father to me so I never had a real father figure in my life. I hit puberty at the too early age of 8 and my childhood went to hell since. My first step dad was a total pig and left his playboy magazines wherever and I grew up watching my sister slut around, lie, cheat, and steal, and watched my brother be abused by his girlfriend and they both had their first child at 17. On top of that, when I was in elementary school I was brutally bullied for being different, I was bullied for having ADD, being fat, wearing glasses, having tourette syndrome, and because I'm deaf in one ear and my mouth is crooked from meningitis, I was even bullied by their parents and some of my teachers joined in as well, when I wasn't getting beat up and/or called names I was ostracized and I had no real friends. This has given me bipolar depression and I think I may have schizophrenia, and it still haunts me even as I'm about to be 20 years old. Here's my sexual and emotional frustration: I'm a virgin who's never had a girlfriend and can't bear the thought of being with a non virgin woman. I try to get past this and not worry about sexual history and focus on what really matters, but I just can't. Whenever I think about losing my virginity to someone and not taking hers I feel like a loser who finished last, I feel like her past sexual partner(s) will be saying things like "HA HA, I got to her before you did, how does my left overs taste LOSER" and it's going to leave me even more depressed for the rest of my life, therefor I keep falling into thinking that all women who aren't virgins are tainted by another man. Also, I feel like if we don't lose our virginity to each other I feel like she's going to cheat on me the second she gets a chance because the sex in our relationship won't be as special. I feel like if I start dating I'm going to be forever depressed no matter what. On top of that I keep getting fooled into thinking almost all women are no good sluts who spent their prime years taking as many bad boy dicks as they can and have jizz dripping out of every orifice, then one her looks fade away, she marries a good guy who can either look past her sexual history or she could lie to about it so she can live off his success and cheat on him with bad guys who still find her attractive, and even if her husband finds out, he can't do anything about it because he could lose custody of the kids, his house, his savings, and everything he worked his entire life for, so she gets whatever she wants, and he gets absolutely fucked with a depressing life he's too good for, tons of debt, and sloppy seconds (remember I'm mentally ill). But I know it's not true, but the thoughts keep coming back like cancer, and I see that I'm not the only one with that psychotic struggle, this is affecting many men, like this:
Why does every girl cheat and sleep around?
And it's hard to break away from the thought if you see shit like this every day:
I hate thinking this way, it's mentally and emotionally draining, every time I try to fight it it just comes back louder. It's gotten to the point where I've actually considered on investing in one of those AI sex robots and having that for a wife because I know she will never hurt me, AND THAT'S FUCKED UP!! I'm also afraid to get professional help for my mental illness out of fear of having my rights taken away due to our current political atmosphere and fear of being labeled as crazy, lunatic, deranged and nobody will never take me seriously and being ostracized even more, or even thrown into the loony bin. But this mental struggle is becoming too much to bear no matter how hard I fight it. I'm tired of feeling like the world is out to hurt me and keep me depressed, and I'm tired of being worried about he sexual history and whether she's a virgin or not, I mean, I'm an Atheist I shouldn't even think a virginity is a real thing.
If you read this far, thanks for putting up with it. As much as I cried writing this, I hope you could help me.
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