Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
"How do I know if I'm doing it right?"
"I don't want to just ASK...that'd be weird and uncomfortable."
"How do I know if he/she wants it? And how will I know if he/she likes it?"
The minefield that is the sex lives of teens and young adults isn't easy to navigate, which is why we see countless questions that fall into the Sexual Behavior category. And as we see a lot of interesting responses to questions and polls, we figured we'd approach an expert on the subject and see what she had to say. Unsurprisingly, she certainly isn't afraid to answer the tough questions and furthermore, she encourages all of you to do the same.
Dr. Logan Levkoff is a recognized expert in the field of human sexuality and relationships, and she strives to create environments were couples feel comfortable. Specifically, she wants you to talk, to communicate, to embrace the awkwardness, so-to-speak. This might involve ignoring a lot of what we see in the media and being mature enough to speak up, to let your partner know what your thinking and feeling. Dr. Levkoff is the author of several books, including Third Base Ain’t What it Used to Be: What Your Kids are Learning About Sex Today and her latest, How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex with You, is a digital guide for men (and their wives) who want greater sexual intimacy.
Now, she tackles some of your tough questions.
GaG: So many teens seem very hesitant when it comes to sex these days. Why do you think that is?
Dr. Levkoff: “I think we’ve created a culture of two polar opposites; there are total extremes in how we talk about sex: It’s either gratuitous or pornographic or exploitative, or on the other hand, it’s extremely clinical and scary. This has created a tremendous amount of anxiety, with people saying, ‘well, there must be a right way to do it, and how do I know how to do it?’” It’s not a surprise [that teens are hesitant about sex] because they’re always getting all these mixed messages.
So for them, it’s easier to say, ‘I’m not going to do it because I’ll screw it up.’ The problem is that we rarely have an opportunity to see how awkward – and I mean this in a lovely sort of way – sex and relationships can be. We see all this crazy comedy and humor in movies but we never see that nuanced awkwardness, where everything isn’t perfect and there are strange sounds and everything. People don’t always put things on correctly, they can be nervous and embarrassed when talking about what they want, etc.
But that’s okay. It’s not going to be perfect; people don’t always look beautiful, there’s a bad smell of latex; these are things you have to get used to.”
GaG: We see lots of questions saying, “I’m worried I’m not pleasing my partner and I don’t know what to do about it.” What would your advice be?
Dr. Levkoff: “I would say that I hear this daily. I’m a big believer in owning the awkwardness and discomfort because it makes experiences real and genuine.
I think it shows maturity when you can say to someone, ‘I really want to turn you on but I don’t know how,’ or say, ‘this is sort of uncomfortable for me to ask, but is there something you always wanted to try or do?’ There’s something very mature about owning this, about asking the important questions.
We live in a world where sex is so pretty and you never see this behavior. We have no models for such behavior and I think that’s sad. Then there’s the performance aspect of it, where from a female perspective, she might deliberately try to sound a certain way, just because she wants to turn on her partner. All of these things come together to cause a problem, so the needs of both partners are often not being met.”
GaG: Another common question would be, “How soon should I have sex with someone after I’ve started dating them? Is there a certain amount of time I should wait?”
Dr. Levkoff: “My personal and professional perspective for everything is that I don’t really believe in rules. I don’t believe there are certain guidelines we have to follow when it comes to sex and relationships, and I also don’t think age is a good determinant. I know adults who make shitty decisions about sex all the time, and I know teens who have sweet, loving relationships that some adults could learn from. I even think there are some relationships where sex should never occur.
I believe the question is less about ‘when’ and more about what the relationship really looks like, i.e., what kind of partnership do you have? Is there trust and respect and balance; is this someone who is kind to me? Is this the sort of person I want to share my body with? Would it feel safe and pleasurable, from both a physical and emotional standpoint?”
GaG: We ran a recent poll, asking users how long they could go without sex, and surprisingly, the majority actually said they could go forever. Are you surprised?
Dr. Levkoff: “To me, that means people believe they can achieve sexual fulfillment without having someone else around (masturbation, pornography, etc). They don’t necessarily feel like they need human physical touch and no, it’s not so surprising. But one question I would ask them is if they’ve ever had a sexual experience before because if they never have, that would contribute to the responses. They don’t know what they’re missing, right?
And then some are saying I’m cool with my own hand and a video, and I think that’s sad because human connection is just so important.
For these people who are saying they’re okay with never having sex for the rest of their lives, I’d ask— ‘What is it about a sexual relationship with someone else that you see as challenging? Are relationships seen as being too much work?’
I wonder also if we haven’t given young people the skills for being in a relationship. People seem to talk more about isolated interactions as opposed to relationships. In the majority of the groups I've worked with, regardless of sex, they want relationships but perceive them to be too challenging, and they’re worried they'll never find that special someone.”
GaG: So many teens and young adults seem to have difficulty reading the other’s “sex signals,” so-top-speak, as we see lots of questions about “how do I know if she wants to?” Why?
Dr. Levkoff: “I think the concern for not reading queues comes from the importance of consent. We see it discussed a lot more now; consent is so crucial. And the fact of the matter is, until we give young people the freedom to own their voice as it relates to sex and relationships and their bodies, free from guilt and shame, they’ll never be able to read each others signals.
We say to someone, ‘you have the right to speak up for your body; you should speak up for your body. You have parts of your body that give you pleasure and you’re entitled to ask for things and, more importantly, want things.’ You’re going to hear strange noises that don’t necessarily match the person’s feelings, or people might be wrongly interpreting what someone else is saying.
I’ve worked in single-sex and coed schools and we’ve had lots of conversations about this:
‘How do I know if someone wants to be doing what they’re doing?’ I always respond by asking, ‘Why don’t you ask?’ Then they say, ‘oh, it’s uncomfortable.’ Well yes, it’s uncomfortable but do it anyway!
A good mature person who’s really ready to have sex should be comfortable with asking and speaking up. It’s a litmus test for readiness: If you can respect yourself and someone else, and if you can own the fact that it’s uncomfortable. ‘I would really like to touch you’ or ‘I would like to take our relationship to a more intimate place.’
Until we give young people the language to do that, it’ll be really hard to read queues and signals. Remember, it’s okay to sound ridiculous!”
End Interview
We'd like to thank Dr. Levkoff for her time, and we hope those of you with questions about this complex topic feel a little better about the trials and tribulations of sex. Just remember that it's always okay to ask questions and in fact, the more you stay silent, the less likely you are to get past any issues you may have. And for more, you can follow Dr. Levkoff on Facebook and Twitter.
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