She Doesn't Want to Do Anything Anymore?

Girlfriend and I have been dating around 19 months. Both lost our virginity to one another, two months into the relationship. At first we did it quite often, very often, but it never was the focal point of our relationship. I'd say about that past 6 months we rarely do it at all--because of her. Like she'll invite me to come stay the night and say we'll do it, but when we actually lay down and everything I start to kiss her and she says she doesn't want to. Or like she'll say she wants to do it, but when it gets down to the moment she doesn't want to. I mean I 100% respect her and her body and if she doesn't want to I won't make her. But she was the one who wanted to do it in the first place. I just understand why she doesn't want to do it anymore. It isn't just the sex either, she doesn't want to makeout or do anything else physical or sexual either. She still tells me she loves me and she always wants to see me. To add though, the relationship has gotten a bit monotonous and complacent. Any thoughts or ideas?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • i think it's probably some psychological thing. maybe it has nothing to do with you. I have a friend who loved her boyfriend very very much but she couldn't do it with him unless they didn't know they would do. like, if they got home and realized his parents weren't there, if there was an element of surprise, she'd do it. But when he said "come to my house, I'll be alone" (so she knew she'd do it), she couldn't. haha we all thought she was frigid or something but in the end she did some therapy and now she has a boyfriend and, according to her, she doesn't have that problem anymore. the thing was: the first guy she ever slept with (which was an asshole and we all told her that but she didn't believe it!) was that kinda guy who doesn't really care about the girl and would still try to do it even if she wasn't wet enough. so the shrink said that's why she couldn't do it when it was planned. because for a few years she went to his house and knew it was gonna be bad and he'd insist if she wasn't ready so she'd do it just to please him. haha well and that's all I know. I have no idea how she got rid of that trauma, but now she says she's ok.

    and I know that sort of trauma happen because I tried having sex with a guy I wasn't intimate with and he was an asshole too. and that took my libido away for a while. I didn't even want to masturbate after that. after a couple weeks, I was back with my boyfriend at the time (we were on a break when I tried to sleep with that other guy) and I couldn't do it with him for a while. the memory of the other guy and how he hurt me just kept coming back to my mind. but the boyfriend was gentle. he understood me and didn't try to rush things. a few days after, I was ok.

    so my point is something happened with your girlfriend and now even tho she wants to, she can't do it. it might be some kinda of trauma or just something that makes her feel sel-conscious, I don't know. you'll only know if you ask her, but don't push her. just ask her nicely what's happening and say you won't judge her. just offer your friendship, maybe there's something she wants to tell you.

  • wow. This is a tough one. But what I would do is do things to spark her interest and get her in the mood. Do some romantic things for her. Surprise her with a romantic night at home and maybe sprinkle some roses on the bed and light some candles. That would make me know that it is going to end in some steamy sex. Maybe try giving her a massage with oil and kissing the back of her neck. Let her know what you want. If you love her then be honest and let her know that it is hard for you to keep your hands off her and control yourself and blue balls is a bitch. But mostly of all just be honest and let her know how you feel. If she loves you too she will understand that she needs to stir it up a bit. Good luck hope this helps.

  • This can be physical. Especially if she's on anti-depressants or birth control. Those things can completely screw with your sex drive and keep you out of the game even when you're content. If there is no medical reason, though, I think the cause is usually that her feelings are changing. That she's not quite as into the relationship as she used to be. A lot of things can cause that and it's not necessarily irreversible, but I wouldn't say it's a good sign either. There are an awful lot of couples who stop having sex shortly before they break up. And the fact that she doesn't even want to make out seems kind of ominous.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Sounds like she's cheating - or your just being too nice. Don't put up with that. Do you actually ask her if she wants to have sex? I would hope not! Or do you mean you start and she starts saying "no, I have a headache"?

    Frankly if it was me and said no two times in a row - I'd walk out and an not call her again until she called me. Which she might not do, because she's most likely seeing someone else.

    If she calls you and wants to see you, and says no again - asking her who she's cheating on you with. If anything, it will alert her that she can't just be "you buddy" - she's your girlfriend and either needs to start acting like it or leave you alone to find another girl that will - and believe me, there are tons that will!

    • God, you're an asshole. the girl says no to you twice and you already walk out without talking to her about it? I feel sorry for your girlfriend if you have one.

    • Thank You!

  • Did you just come out and ask her? Tell her your feelings! Hopefully she'll be honest with you.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • okay, ask her very nicely if there is a problem that she wants to talk about and point out that you respect her. she may think that the whole relationship is based on sex. she'll open up eventually.

  • have you expressed feelings often for her? maybe, she feels that you only want her body and she's trying to comfort herself with the knowledge that if she wants you to, you'll stop because you care for her. maybe something happened recently or maybe you're both not trying hard enough to bring to fire back to the relationship or maybe, ya did one to many times and need to relax for a while. start dating each other instead of having sex. get that fire back!