Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
By Caitlin M. aka MlleCake
Sexual Health Educator, Sexuality Lecturer
The strangest thing happened to me when I was a teenager. I had moved to a new city, met new friends, and I got this sweet boyfriend who was in my same grade. We spent Spring and Summer in L U V - big time.
But one time when we were kissing and making out, he penetrated me with his fingers, and when he was done, there was blood on his fingers and it took a day for the bleeding to stop.
The funny thing is, though... I wasn't a Virgin. I had already had other partners before him. So why was I bleeding THIS time and not all the other times? I was worried he'd think I WAS a virgin when I said I wasn't.
Kinda funny, I had the opposite experience of women who didn't bleed their first time and someone wondered if they weren't a virgin.
So, what is the REAL story of the Hymen, your first time, bleeding and pain?
Well, the first thing people need to know is that the hymen doesn't usually cover the opening of the vagina at all. It's not like a freshness seal that keeps the vagina closed until a penis penetrates. Think about it this way. If it was, how would our periods come out if we weren't virgins?
Our hymens are more like this:
They generally have a hole, occasionally more than one hole, and they do not have to be popped, torn or broken to have sex, use a tampon, or have a pelvic exam.
What does this mean? Well, it means, most women do not bleed or have pain in first time intercourse because the hymen is not usually being torn, or tears are so minor they are not noticeable.
Wait, what? Did I just say the hymen is not being torn? That is correct. Most of what you have learned about the hymen is a misunderstanding about what the hymen does. A dangerous misunderstanding.
To understand this, you need to understand that hymens come in many forms. The basic forms are pictured below:
MOST women have what is called a lunar hymen, which only partially covers the vaginal opening. And for most women, this stretches throughout childhood until it is very thin, and it usually has enough room for a penis to move in and out easily without damage.
But why do some women bleed and some women not bleed the first time? And what about all those women who say it hurts?
Well, as it turns out, most women who experience discomfort or bleeding their first time are NOT having their hymen torn. They are just not aroused, lubricated and/or relaxed enough. The bleeding can often be from the vulva or wall of the vagina because your partner was simply too rough. THAT is what happened to me when I was 14. I was a little dry, a little nervous, and not totally turned on yet. That's why I bled even though I was not a virgin. The first time I read about how the hymen really worked, I was so relieved. I had never understood what happened until then.
Here are some other educators speaking on the subject of hymens:
How to prevent pain on first intercourse.
So now that you know that they hymen does not have to, and probably isn't, breaking the first time, it makes you wonder if pain is a given the first time a woman has sex.
Pain is not necessary your first time, and if it hurts, stop. You do not have to just lie there and endure the pain. The pain is an indicator of:
Lack of Lubrication - This can be from being not aroused enough, taking various medications that cause vaginal dryness, or just not being a woman who gets very wet. Solution: Have a condom-sefe lubricant available for all sexual intercourse. I recommend Sliquid Sea or Wet Platinum.
Here is more about choosing lubricants and condoms:
https://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-health/a48218-get-wet-the-ins-outs-of-good-sex-lube
https://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-health/a51758-condoms-lube-accessories
Lack of Arousal - As a woman becomes aroused, her vagina changes shape. The muscles surrounding the vagina relax, the uterus and cervix move upward and the vagina deepens. Often arousal includes becoming lubricated, but that is NOT a sure sign. What also happens when a woman becomes very aroused is that her clitoris becomes engorged and puffy. The clitoris is not just the glans and shaft, it includes the vestibular bulbs and corpus cavernosum as well, and those erectile tissues will signal arousal buy making the labia puffier especially making the opening of the vagina and the first 1/3 of the vagina a little bit snugger.
Lack of Relaxation - Many women, especially fearing pain, and not feeling aroused, may consciously or unconsciously clench the muscles around the vagina in such a way as it makes the vagina hard to penetrate. Most women who experience this find that time, patience, tons more foreplay, and maybe a glass of wine (over 21 only) help them relax enough that a penis entering them is not painful, especially if lubricant is used. Some women find that if their partner is rushed or increases the pain by believing he is simply tearing her hymen, this inability to relax can become chronic, making sex painful over and over. This condition is called vaginismus. My advice is that if it hurts at all, STOP, add more lube, take more time in foreplay and if the relaxation still doesn't happen naturally, see a doctor.
If you can, I always recommend that a woman who is just starting to have sex have an orgasm first by manual stimulation from her and her partner, oral from partner and/or using a vibrator near the clitoral glans before attempting vaginal intercourse. This virtually ensures maximum relaxation, and many women find that if they are not stimulated to orgasm before vaginal intercourse, they will never have an orgasm with their partner at all.
Here is more about the signs of a woman's arousal, to help you and your partner determine if you have reached a state where penetration will be more successful and pleasurable:
In conclusion, the thought that a woman losing her virginity has to be painful and bloody is both harmfully wrong, because in some places, brides have been killed for not bleeding on the wedding night, AND it puts women through pain that is unnecessary and may be quite traumatic.
If it hurts, stop. Change what you are doing or try another time. It takes time to learn how to relax, and nervousness can make things worse. So relax, take it slow, no rush. Ask your partner to read something like this or watch one of these videos so he also understands that pain is not a given.
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