Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
By Caitlin M. aka MlleCake
Sexual Health Educator, Sexuality Lecturer
The strangest thing happened to me when I was a teenager. I had moved to a new city, met new friends, and I got this sweet boyfriend who was in my same grade. We spent Spring and Summer in L U V - big time.
But one time when we were kissing and making out, he penetrated me with his fingers, and when he was done, there was blood on his fingers and it took a day for the bleeding to stop.
The funny thing is, though... I wasn't a Virgin. I had already had other partners before him. So why was I bleeding THIS time and not all the other times? I was worried he'd think I WAS a virgin when I said I wasn't.
Kinda funny, I had the opposite experience of women who didn't bleed their first time and someone wondered if they weren't a virgin.
So, what is the REAL story of the Hymen, your first time, bleeding and pain?
Well, the first thing people need to know is that the hymen doesn't usually cover the opening of the vagina at all. It's not like a freshness seal that keeps the vagina closed until a penis penetrates. Think about it this way. If it was, how would our periods come out if we weren't virgins?
Our hymens are more like this:
They generally have a hole, occasionally more than one hole, and they do not have to be popped, torn or broken to have sex, use a tampon, or have a pelvic exam.
What does this mean? Well, it means, most women do not bleed or have pain in first time intercourse because the hymen is not usually being torn, or tears are so minor they are not noticeable.
Wait, what? Did I just say the hymen is not being torn? That is correct. Most of what you have learned about the hymen is a misunderstanding about what the hymen does. A dangerous misunderstanding.
To understand this, you need to understand that hymens come in many forms. The basic forms are pictured below:
MOST women have what is called a lunar hymen, which only partially covers the vaginal opening. And for most women, this stretches throughout childhood until it is very thin, and it usually has enough room for a penis to move in and out easily without damage.
But why do some women bleed and some women not bleed the first time? And what about all those women who say it hurts?
Well, as it turns out, most women who experience discomfort or bleeding their first time are NOT having their hymen torn. They are just not aroused, lubricated and/or relaxed enough. The bleeding can often be from the vulva or wall of the vagina because your partner was simply too rough. THAT is what happened to me when I was 14. I was a little dry, a little nervous, and not totally turned on yet. That's why I bled even though I was not a virgin. The first time I read about how the hymen really worked, I was so relieved. I had never understood what happened until then.
Here are some other educators speaking on the subject of hymens:
How to prevent pain on first intercourse.
So now that you know that they hymen does not have to, and probably isn't, breaking the first time, it makes you wonder if pain is a given the first time a woman has sex.
Pain is not necessary your first time, and if it hurts, stop. You do not have to just lie there and endure the pain. The pain is an indicator of:
Lack of Lubrication - This can be from being not aroused enough, taking various medications that cause vaginal dryness, or just not being a woman who gets very wet. Solution: Have a condom-sefe lubricant available for all sexual intercourse. I recommend Sliquid Sea or Wet Platinum.
Here is more about choosing lubricants and condoms:
https://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-health/a48218-get-wet-the-ins-outs-of-good-sex-lube
https://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-health/a51758-condoms-lube-accessories
Lack of Arousal - As a woman becomes aroused, her vagina changes shape. The muscles surrounding the vagina relax, the uterus and cervix move upward and the vagina deepens. Often arousal includes becoming lubricated, but that is NOT a sure sign. What also happens when a woman becomes very aroused is that her clitoris becomes engorged and puffy. The clitoris is not just the glans and shaft, it includes the vestibular bulbs and corpus cavernosum as well, and those erectile tissues will signal arousal buy making the labia puffier especially making the opening of the vagina and the first 1/3 of the vagina a little bit snugger.
Lack of Relaxation - Many women, especially fearing pain, and not feeling aroused, may consciously or unconsciously clench the muscles around the vagina in such a way as it makes the vagina hard to penetrate. Most women who experience this find that time, patience, tons more foreplay, and maybe a glass of wine (over 21 only) help them relax enough that a penis entering them is not painful, especially if lubricant is used. Some women find that if their partner is rushed or increases the pain by believing he is simply tearing her hymen, this inability to relax can become chronic, making sex painful over and over. This condition is called vaginismus. My advice is that if it hurts at all, STOP, add more lube, take more time in foreplay and if the relaxation still doesn't happen naturally, see a doctor.
If you can, I always recommend that a woman who is just starting to have sex have an orgasm first by manual stimulation from her and her partner, oral from partner and/or using a vibrator near the clitoral glans before attempting vaginal intercourse. This virtually ensures maximum relaxation, and many women find that if they are not stimulated to orgasm before vaginal intercourse, they will never have an orgasm with their partner at all.
Here is more about the signs of a woman's arousal, to help you and your partner determine if you have reached a state where penetration will be more successful and pleasurable:
In conclusion, the thought that a woman losing her virginity has to be painful and bloody is both harmfully wrong, because in some places, brides have been killed for not bleeding on the wedding night, AND it puts women through pain that is unnecessary and may be quite traumatic.
If it hurts, stop. Change what you are doing or try another time. It takes time to learn how to relax, and nervousness can make things worse. So relax, take it slow, no rush. Ask your partner to read something like this or watch one of these videos so he also understands that pain is not a given.
What Girls & Guys Said
32 32ok so hymen what happens to it if it gets to stretched out
It don't get too stretched out. It's elastic.
yes but any tissue of the body can get old an become less stronger than before
Then it's just there. It's usually just the tiniest whisp of tissue to begin with on most women.
oh ok that makes sense now
My hymen is gone
You slut 😤😤😤😤
@CarpetDenim Thank you
Ok kool
Great take. This is something that needed to be discussed.
Tell your friends.
Interesting myTake
I hope i don't bleed my first time
Great info thanks for sharing.
Good take..
I hate blood
Nice my take
This is such a stupid mytake.
The reality is hymen breaks and vagina gets loose first time during sex.
I laugh at your ignorance funny feminist.
You do know that this shit has been known since the 70's right? Back when a gynaecologist was examining a 50 year old prostitute who low and behold had a perfectly INTACT hymen. But keep spreading your ignorance kiddo.
@coralee Actually, some of it has been known for over 100 years.
Yes some of it has been known for far longer.
Finally! Thanks! Good job.
Top Take!
There are so many myths around sexual matters. Even people who are known to be experienced and educated believe (or pretend to believe) the most unscientific stories.
Best rap name ever: Bustahymen.
omfg XD That outta piss both some people off and peoples pants with laughter. Good one! Also, I guess the piss word an be a part of the joke. Kinda. Why not create a song called Ride the lever by Bustahymen ft. Lady Stick Ryder and MilkyPartz? XDDD
@errorgoodnameunfound LOL Both of you.
Thank you for informing us about this, never knew if you bleed or hurt if you weren’t aroused enough, because I just assumed that your first time will hurt and you will bleed.
You are exactly who I wrote this for.
Pleased somebody finally wrote this kind of thing!
I have a friend whoes hymen is still not broken even she had sex many times
I’d like to add that excess alcohol or drug use to calm nerves or get over societal/familial/religious hangups often contributes to lack of arousal as well.
Plus, it makes you unable to consent.
Excellent take! Very educational!
I developed very late in my life and because i wanted to have my period so bad i tried aticking various vibrators into my vagima to try and stimulate it and nothing helped except that i was very horny. There was never any bleeding.. finally after getting my period on the age of 18 i had sex for the first time and no bleeding either. This was weird to me but mabe i broke my virgin because of all the masturbation.. i dont know..
You can't break your virginity from masturbation.
She said she stuck vibrators into her vagina and may have altered her hymen from that. It's very possible.
@wolfcat87 Did you read the Take at all?
Yes, my response to it shows very clearly that I did.
@wolfcat87 Then you should understand hymen =/= virginity. She didn't say she broke her hymen with the vibrator. She said she "broke her virgin". You can't "break your virginity" by masturbating because virginity is a concept, not a physical state of being. There's not a seal over the vagina that she broke that made her not a virgin anymore. See what I am saying? Masturbation doesn't make you not a virgin.
Technically, but it depends on what virginity means to her. virginity - -the state of never having had sexual intercourse. synonyms: chastity, maidenhood, maidenhead, honor, purity, innocence; More celibacy, abstinence; -the state of being naive, innocent, or inexperienced in a particular context. From the second definition and synonyms, it's largely up to debate and based on personal interpretations.
@wolfcat87 Sure. But I certainly don't have to support the notion that masturbation makes you lose your virginity. If the question arises, I am going to say no.
If you stick something into your vagina you break the little fleshy thing and it can't ever grow back thats what causes the bleeding
No, you don't usually break the little fleshy thing, and they CAN grow back. Go back up there and read the whole MyTake over again. You are simply mistaken. Anatomically, biologically, demonstrably mistaken. The hymen is not a virginity detector, and it can't tell anyone whether you have or haven't had an object inserted into your vagina.
Saying they can grow back is akin to saying a vasectomy can spontaneously heal. While both are possible they are rare occurrences. As I stated in my response, I've had dry sex with no bleeding. I did lose my virginity wet, and I did bleed due to my torn hymen. Once it healed, I had sex the exact same way as before with no bleeding.
@wolfcat87 Many women assume that's hymenal bleeding when it isn't. Almost none of us actually goes and checks to see where exactly the blood is coming from. The hymen simply does not tear from sex, or bleed, for most women and there is very little reason it has to.
Again, it depends on the type of hymen and the thickness. Even if half of women had flexible and/or thin hymens, that leaves over a billion who do not. There are many women who do not have the type of hymen you describe.
My hymen was broken without any pain, but it was bleeding.
This is a bit of my point, so forgive my asking this, but how do you know it was actually the hymen? Most people couldn't find the hymen under bright lights with a map. That's one of the things - when women bleed down there, it has more chance of being something other than the hymen, because the hymen isn't very enervated or vascularized.
You know why most people couldn't find the hymen under bright lights with a map? Because it's inside, it's not an external organ. How do I know it was hymen? Well, what else could it be? I never had any kind of bleeding during sex after my hymen was broken.
It could have just been a scratch to your vulva. That's the thing. We have always said, when little girls have injuries like that, "oh, she tore her hymen" but really, that's more of a guess, because hymens often don't bleed when they're torn, and often don't tear in any way. We are just so "sure" it must have been the hymen, that we just say it is without really looking. The other thing is, identifying tears in the hymen is quite difficult since you can be born with one that looks torn. But like you, many people have just shrugged and said "what else could it be?" In terms of your injury, I doubt anyone checked - they just probably told your parents to give you warm baths and keep the area open to fresh air (or some variation on a non-specific soothing treatment.)
A scratch, lol, but a penis doesn't have nails or claws :D It didn't hurt me at all, so I think it wasn't a scratch, otherwise it would kinda hurt or sting.
Might not. Hard to say. And you may be right that it was your hymen. It's just not always the hymen as people assume.
I agree, some people are just hysterical about it.