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Vaginismus: The purity message needs to be modified

Vaginismus: The purity message needs to be modified

I've only ever had sex with my husband, that's the truth. I have to admit, before we were married we did some stupid things that I'm not proud of and pray my daughter won't stumble as I did. Ultimately that will be her choice and consequences to bare.

It felt like there were two halves of me at war with each other, one side told me: don't touch yourself, your body is dirty, don't look at yourself, sex is bad, becoming aroused is bad, and so on. Then there was my wild side, I tried to keep him hidden away in a cage. I peaked at him once and a while; I could see him drooling and pawing away, through the bars of his cage, at some scared emotion of mine that had gotten too close. This side wanted sex, to experiment, to see the unseen, to sneak off in the middle of the night, to get lost in the pleasure of arousal. This side also told me if I didn't give in to kissing, touching, and ultimately sex that he would leave me or find someone who would give him what he wanted. So I caged up my unwanted half and tried to forget about him.

I wish I had known my first half was lying to me and so was my caged wild side. Sex isn't bad and if he's going to leave me he will do so even if we have sex.

Sex just needs to wait for marriage, and so does anything that is a deliberate attempt to get the other person sexually aroused.

I remember the first time I got aroused. My husband (then boy friend) was tickling me, trying to make me laugh. He didn't touch me inappropriately and he wasn't trying to get me aroused yet my wild side got loose and tore through my hormone stash looking for a party. I was instantly flooded with hormones I had no desire for and felt ashamed my body had responded inappropriately to something meant to be innocent. I quickly moved away from my boy friend and ignored him until the feelings went away. (This was a bad response, I should have asked him to stop but I shouldn't have felt ashamed for being aroused. Arousal is a normal bodily function as is an adrenalin rush or getting tiered.) I didn't talk about the experience, instead I shoved my wild side deeper into my hidden life. There he starved for over a year as I slowly trained my body to respond a-sexually.

On my wedding day I stood in front of his cage holding a dusty key. I was afraid to let him out, afraid he would terrorize my other half and try to eat her alive. After our "I do's" I was in a hurry to get back to our room. One I felt like I was about to suffocate in the body slip I had foolishly chosen to wear and two I was ready to get the sex over with so my wild side wouldn't over take me.

We got back to our room and my new husband was instantly ready to go; I figured all we had to do was put penis in vagina and fireworks would fly. I felt like my wild side had went into a coma, nothing happened for me; well nothing except for pain. Everything was tight, I wasn't aroused, and every movement felt like sand paper. No one had told me about foreplay and its importance; I lived with that for more than a year. I still with my lack of libido from my a-sexual training, but its getting better.

After about a year of sex we gave up on my orgasm. It didn't look like it was possible. I remember playing a game with my husband once that helped get me aroused, all those hormones flooded into my system and started to awaken my wild side again. It also stirred up the memory of my shame the first time I had felt those feelings; I quickly shut them down. (This wasn't the right response to feelings I should have had the whole year before. I should have let go and relax, to have enjoyed those feelings.)

It was about this time we started to try to have a baby, as in sex every other day kind of try. My husband loved it; I can't say he was disappointed not having to wear a condom either. I really wanted to get pregnant so we had a little over a year of nothing but quickies and they were painful for me. I didn't say anything to my husband about it, I figured I was just one of the few women who didn't like sex.

After a year of trying to get pregnant i gave up and went a month without having sex, partly because I could no longer use a tampon much less bear the pain of penetration. Then I let my wild side loose again one day while we were swimming by ourselves. I convinced my husband to have sex with me in the pool, it wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be; but it didn't hurt either. I found out a month later that I was pregnant.

At first I was sick all the time an didn't want sex, then I was tiered, and once my belly really came in I was hurting everywhere so I really didn't want sex then. I did try and carve out a few minutes once a week to make sure to have sex with my husband. I didn't help that each time hurt more than the last.

Finally the big day came and my daughter was born. I was given a six week doctors note to not have sex. I was relieved, no more feeling the pressure of having to have sex. Six weeks flew by so fast and there I was laying naked on the bed with a doctors note to have sex three times a week for at least a month to work out my episiotomy scar. I was TERRIFIED, an when he went to penetrated my fears were reenforced by the wall that had replaced my vaginal canal.

We tried to have sex every day for a week but he was unable to penetrate. My husband came to the conclusion that I had shrunk and needed to be stretched out, that if he pushed in very fast when I wasn't expecting it would hurt as bad. I've never felt so much pain, giving birth was more pleasant than what I felt that afternoon. I never wanted to have sex again and confessed that fact to my mother who then made me get help.

Turns out I had been suffering from Vaginismus (an uncontrollable clamping of the vaginal muscles making intercource painful) for the three years that we had been married. I've been treated, sex is still uncomfortable and im still struggling to come to terms with my wild side. My hormones are all out of proportion and arousal is still out of reach bit in excited to see where this road of healing is going to take me. I'm hopeful once I stop breastfeeding my hormones will balance and I can start to retrain myself to respond sexually to my husband in the ways I was meant to.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I too suffer from it. I feared sex and started having it because everyone was doing it. Sex hurt , a lot. Even after years of loosing my virginity it hurt. I talked to a friend about it and told her even as I orgasmed it hurt. she knew what I was suffering from and referred me to a doctor. Low and behold , I was diagnosed. After talking to psychiatrist I realized my fear of sex is because I started having sex before I was ready as a virgin and in all my sexual encounters afterwards. I guess I was never really sexually attracted to the men and arousal never went beyond me getting wet , my vaginal tissue never fully became engorged. With my so now I experience what sex should feel like and orgasms.

Most Helpful Guy

  • This take just reassures me that shaming women into abstinence causes long-term physical and emotional problems and should be considered abuse.

    • That was my thought...

    • and mine.

    • Damn right.

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  • I also think part of the problem is that people put sex up on a pedestal... and the other problem is that not everyone has issues with pre-marital sex. If people could just be REAL about sex, I don't think we'd have so many issues. From the church to Hollywood, everyone has it wrong.

    Both my husband and I have sexual pasts with others.. and it has not effected our relationship or sex in the slightest; not for the better or the worse. We don't think less of each other... we don't even remember our sexual pasts half the time... we didn't become more or less "experienced"... we aren't jealous of each other's past lovers.

    For other people, pre-marital sex can be damaging. It can lead to intimacy issues in the future... trust issues... lack of self-esteem/body image issues.. pregnancy... STD's... cancer from HPV... fertility issues... unrealistic expectations... staying with the WRONG person because the sex is GOOD.

    If schools and parents and the church could talk about the realities of sex... both good and bad, and STOP lying through movies... stop using horrible analogies/language like "my vagina is a secret garden"... stop putting sex on a pedestal... at least that would be a good start.

  • Well spoken.

  • While I applaud the concept of saving your virginity for someone special, I hate the religious doctrine that sex and sexuality is BAD. I have 2 preteen girls and I've been teaching them that sex is IMPORTANT. Important enough to pick your partners carefully, important enough to understand how it works (not just tab A to Slot B kinda stuff) and how their bodies work. By not giving our children enough information we are hurting them.

    • I am Catholic, and we believe that sexuality is a wonderful thing. We think it's a gift of love to our spouse, not just something that we do for selfish self-gratification, which is the secular view. Maybe you're thinking of the Puritans. They were the ones who hated sex.

    • I am a Muslim and Islam also does not teach us to hide and suppress our sexuality! Actually it is recommended to have foreplay, kissing etc. It is just that we have to get married to do that!

  • I'm so sorry that you have had to live with such shame for your sexuality and body all your life, and I'm sorry that your husband was perfectly okay with hurting you as long as he got off! I can't imagine how hard that must be, I know it's also down to lack of sexual education on both your parts but thinking a vagina needs to be forcibly "stretched out" ? that's terrible! It's muscle it needs to relax on it's own and not be violently pried apart that part made me sick to my stomach to read. One time my boyfriend thought one of my moans sounded like an "ow" and I have never seen someone freeze up so fast! From my up-bringing I can't imagine sexuality or my body ever being something I had to be ashamed of, my parents taught me that sex was natural but something not to be taken lightly and to be cautious about. The first time I had sex it seemed almost innocent in a way? Like my boyfriend was so gentle and he was nervous and doing everything he could to make sure I was relaxed so nothing hurt. And all he wanted was to make me feel good and to make me feel loved and he was so scared of causing me any pain. I had a great sexual education at school, I made sure to use birth control and condoms, and they even told us why sex is painful for girls and how to prevent it by relaxing. It was just a very sweet sunny afternoon and I felt really safe and secure and loved and I had a nap in his arms after, I wish it was like that for everyone. And I can't imagine having sex with my boyfriend because I feel likeI have to or that I owe it to him I only do it when I want to and choose to and we decide to together. This take was so depressing to read I can't imagine seeing sex as anything but fun and loving.

  • I actually felt sick reading this. How you could do this to yourself, let him do that to you just.
    I can't. I just can't.

    This is one of the reasons I wish religion would just go fuck itself in the arse. Why the fuck would you follow something that's caused you so much pain? Why would you do that?
    What was going through your mind that you thought the pain in your vagina was okay? It's not okay. If any guy does that to me I'll make sure to let him know how it feels. He'll walk away with a twisted dick I'm telling you now.

    Nobody should be ashamed of themselves. If any part of themselves. Why the fuck would your fucking 'God almighty' give you a very demanding sex drive if he wanted you to ignore it and be ashamed of it? Why would he do that? He's supposed to be all kind and forgiving right? Then why would he do something that horrible?
    He wouldn't.

    I don't believe in God. Not the one that everyone else does. If He really exists then I doubt most if any of the Bible really speaks the truth. Any God who is all forgiving and demands acceptance and no judging or whatever isn't going to declare that a victim of rape marry her rapist. That a woman should keep her sexuality under wraps and be drilled by her husband until she's in so much pain a fucking tampon hurts.
    No God who is so fucking great is going to do to you what yours has done.

    Fuck abstinence. Fuck not knowing that there is something wrong while in so much pain. Fuck your God if he's going to be that big of a cunt.

    I don't normally want to bag religion. I'm normally quite okay with the fact that people need to believe in some big guy in the sky that speaks of forgiveness and acceptance and shit.
    But when I hear stories like this I just want to be sick.

    I'm so sorry all this happened to you. But how can you say that abstinence and being ashamed of a perfectly normal bodily function is so brilliant if it goes and fucking does that to you?

    Where is the logic?

    Oh wait this is religion. There is none.

    Have fun believing in an arsehole and worshipping the guy who did this to you. Slap your husband for me, yeah? Because he's just as much an idiot as you must be.

    • I don't think you quite grasped the concept of the my take. Sadly this world is fallen and we live in sin. Was it God's intent for me to have so much pain? No. Yet in the ashes God can make something beautiful and through this experience I can encourage and help others who are experiencing the same hurt and troubles. I can't tell you what the big picture will be nor could I tell you what an artists painting will look like after him only penning down a few lines. Now we are all human, I should have spoken out more clearly about the pain I was having and my husband should have been patient with me when my condition worsened. But in the end I can't continue to deny my husband sex just because im having issues, that wouldn't be fair to him. Now when I was having problems before I was pregnant, I thought I had a yeast infection or had scratched myself in some way so I was having pain. Low on money I didn't seek medical help.

    • After I became pregnant my ob/gyn said discomfort was normal due to the changes my body had gone through. During labor I had to have an episiotomy and stitches which left a scar. The scar tissue was tight and I was afraid sex would hurt, and it did. My fear triggered my Vaginismus to go into overdrive to the point that I got help (which I should have gotten a long time ago). I hate that I had to go through this but I pray my daughter will not. Im not angry. Im hopeful that in the future i will be able to enjoy a wonderful sex life with my husband like God intended.

  • It's not the body and its functions in and of themselves that are to be cause for concern; but the desire to use them and to what end, what you'll do to achieve that end, and what you'll compromise/trample if it is in your way. That is where the stumbling blocks are.

  • I'm disappointed at how many guys completely missed the boat with this one

  • Everytime I read these stories, I can't believe that still in 2015 some people live like that, believing that sex is shameful and unholy and that their god has any interest in their sexuality. All I can do is to watch from afar and shake my head at the stupidity of religion, at the zombies blindly following the outdated words of a book written by men long ago, willingly damaging their psyche for the glory of someone they've never even met and never will. So sad...

    I hope your daughter will be bright enough to disregard the backward teachings of an organization that strive on keeping people docile and misinformed for it's own purpose.

    • Stupidity of religion, gosh according to my religion sex and foreplay (it is recommended) are never shunned down, infact it is recommended. The only thing religion forbids is having intimacy outside marriage.

    • @candyaurora Did you read her story? That's what religion does to people. It fucks them up. Makes them believe that sex is dirty. Once they are married, the psychological damage is done and hard to undo. But sure, keep thinking it's all rainbows and unicorns

    • Yeah I read her story and agree upto a certain point and honestly speaking I can't talk much about christianity, I was talking in terms of my religion Islam. I mean according to Islam you only have to have intimacy with your spouse and if according to your point of view religion shunning down was the reason of the psychological damage then males should face the damaging results too as abstinence till marriage is required of both genders equally.

  • Very interest insight. You know, how your described your sexuality is actually very similar to how a bisexual male friend of mine describes his own sexuality when it comes to his attraction to men or what it is he wants to do with men. He kinda describes it in this really sordid, self-hating way that he wants to keep locked away like it's a side of himself that he's almost scared of.

    Your feelings, coupled with HIS, lead me to believe that perhaps many more women feel this tug of war with their own sexual feelings than they care to admit. Which is a shame really, because I think if it was more talked about, men could be more accommodating.

  • This is a great take, very good example of two things.

    1. Shaming people into abstinence is abusive.
    2. Communication is VERY important, nearly all this suffering could have been easily avoided.

  • Did you ever consider that actually it could be a mental thing. As you said - you still have issues with your wild side so maybe if you actually would come to terms - maybe it would actually help the physical side of sexual intercourse as well?

  • Very good take. Congratulations!
    "lack of libido from my a-sexual training"... that's what dads like for their little girl and what the abstinence-only education makes so popular.
    They forget little girls grow up to become adult women. Adults with a brainwashing making them consider sex as some not very positive 'thing'.
    Even if they haven't your vaginismus problem, many adult women continue to feel uneasy about sex even after their own children are married. Since these adult women continue to feel uneasy about sex they'll not give adequate sex ed to their children. And so it continues, for generations. Only those who revolt and analyze what was done to them can get over it. But that demands rebellion and brains. sometimes rebellion is enough... for a short time, and then the old reflex takes over again.

  • i'm glad you kept yourself in check, congrtaz! as for your daughter, this might help: www.jw.org/.../#

    • What about a son? Also this went completely over your head

  • You should have tried Gods loop hole before you gtit married. Thats what im doing to remain pure.

  • May i present a different perspective? The western churches have completely misinterpreted chastity. sex isn't bad on its own. sex is bad when it is cut off from thegrace of God and its ungodly. as with anything in life. Humans are made with specific functioning standards. When you think, act and live outside His grace. THAT'S sin. also without praying fasting (in both thoughts and food), participating in the sacraments and having contemplation its impossible to go through chastity without problems.
    sources: 2000 years of christian experience, and my own personal experience. both me and my wife lived like that and made 4 healthy children with absolutely no side side effects.

    • in that sense, i consider your take completely misguiding and as seen in the comments it unfortunately gives courage and confirmation to seculars to cntinue their sinful habbits. if done right the person suffers no emotional or physical distress. wihout the grace of God its destined to fail.

    • That was not my intent, I apologize. I admit I have been told from both sides that it was my fault for waiting, which I resent that they would put the blame all on me. Not once did I say that pre-marital sex was a good thing. The message I got growing up was basically, men can't help but gawk at you and pressure you for sex so its up to you to keep them from stumbling. You must dress so they don't look at you (you know that up down stare) and its up to you to say no to sex (and really the first time he asks for sex you should dump him then). I always wore jeans and a T-shirt and occasionally a dress (never low cut, tight, or shorter than my knees-usually down to my ankles) and yet I'd still get that stare from boys; I felt like a failure. My husband was the only guy I dated. I feared sex, I feared he might leave me the next time I said no. Then we got married and somehow a switch was supposed to flip and I'd be ok with saying yes to sex, to being touched and being naked. It all felt wrong.

    • i know what you mean sister. puritanism is not the true christian spirit, it's its polar opposite. and it has harmed the minds and lives of many children of wrong-spirited parents (even if the parents had good intent). we shall not see sex as the forbiden fruit. we should look forward (without being depented on it) to experience it in its fullness and sacredness the way God wants it (and while living as God wants). the others are not my potential lovers of whom i'm deprived. they are brothers and sisters in Christ, immortal psychosomatic beings who i don't want to drag into sin because i love them and want their salvation. As for my wife, we are one entity now. When God united us we became one flesh, one mind together marching holding hands towards the Source of Life.

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  • Sorry to hear about your lack of orgasms... I am one of those girls who also suffer this...

    The best thing ever was a teeny bullet vibrator that my partner bought me. I recommend you try it, it will make life so much better :)

  • This take explains why sex before marriage is good. If I married a girl with your sex drive the marriage wouldn't last because it would be too fustrating for me.

    • The sex drive isn't the problem. She hates sex because its extremely painful to her due to her medical condition. there's treatment that can alleviate the problem. Many women with her condition can eventually have normal sex lives

    • my point still stands. I will never wait for marriage with a girl before having sex because you dont know what you're getting. First of all you miss out on a great thing for ages. Secondly she could be crap in bed, have a low sex drive or have a medical condition that she could have found out about sooner. You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first would you?

    • Women aren't cars, we are people. I wish men would stop trying to compare us with objects. Im not a trophy to be won or a car to be test driven. To be expected to give myself to every guy I date is unfair to my wants and needs. then on too of that if I don't PREFORM to YOUR standards then you'll just leave for greener pastures? After taking something so precious meant for the man I will spend my life with? On another note, if you're both virgins then how would you know if the girl down the street is better than your wife? Sex takes practice, its something that should be learned together. I shouldn't have to feel bad that I waited for my husband, he got my first kiss, my first date, and my virginity.

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