Trouble with penetration

[Anonymous]

I tried for the first time to have sex a few months ago and penetration was impossible. It was like he kept hitting a brick wall. We had been fooling around beforehand plenty and we tried for about 30 minutes in different positions. No luck. He didn't break anything and I didn't bleed but even the pressure on the opening was painful (sorry for the TMI). I've seen a doctor since and she basically yelled after me about how I needed to relax more and made me feel completely humiliated. A little background: I've been able to wear tampons before but it's always been intensely painful to insert them and eventually I just gave up. Being fingered has always hurt even if there was lots of stuff done beforehand. I've never had a full gynecological exam because I can't even look at the thing they put in you without freaking out. So on that end, I'm wondering if I have an unusually thick hymen or some physical problem. As for the guy I tried to have sex with, I'm not in relationship with him. It's basically a case of being sick of waiting and he's the best option I have at the moment. I care for him but I'm not in love with him and I'm afraid of getting hurt because of his inability to commit to me. It has occurred that this situation might be causing a psychological, I. E. I have too many doubts about having sex with this guy and my body won't let me. So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar issue and if the cause seems to be physical or psychological. I know this is something I should ask a doctor but I already did and ended up feeling like crap.

[Quackpotty]

First off, I hate that doctor. It's true what she said, but the way that she said it was not on. What I said about being true is this:

Sounds more like Vaginismus than a thick hymen. Vaginismus is a psychological disorder where there is a fear of penetration for some reason, often a bad sexual experience like rape or molestation, and that causes the muscles at the vaginal entrance to clamp shut whenever there's an attempted penetration. If you attempt to force it open, intense pain occurs. There's two keys to fix this problem, both probably needed. One, relax, just as your doctor said. It's your nervousness and fear that is causing it to happen. The second thing that a doctor can do, is to insert gradually increasing surgically clean tools to open up your vagina. You'll get used to the size, so they insert the next one, and so forth. It's all a matter of getting you used to the feel of something inside so that when it's time for sex, you can have it pain free and without any of that original nervousness. You can research vaginismus in a med dictionary, although a normal one will do too.

As anon girl said, you can also have a hymenectomy to cut the hymen so that penetration is no longer impeded by that when the time comes. Some girls are even born with a hymen that completely covers their vaginal opening, so a doctor cuts it open sligtly at birth. You need to get the vaginismus sorted first, though, or else this is impossible. It would help as it will also ensure that the first time you have sex will carry far less pain than it does for some women.

The next thing is that it doesn't really sound as if you're ready for a sexual relationship with this guy. Wait until you feel truly ready. I'm waiting until marriage, but this is up to you.

[Asker]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I've considered Vaginismus and although the symptoms sound similar it sounds a little extreme. I don't have any sexual trauma in my past and I wasn't raised with any deep shame about sexuality. Really my only psychological hangup is the fear that this guy will hurt me emotionally.

[Quackpotty]

Any fear of any kind can cause it. Many girls also get this when they're afraid of having sex because they've heard it can really hurt the first time. Any fear can cause it, and the problem with this is that when you have that pain, it only intensifies the fear making it that much harder to overcome. Emotional fear can be worse as it is less able to be understood by many guys. Remember, for a guy, sex can be (unfortunately) simple, but for a girl it is so much more. And sex SHOULD be much more.

[calypsofury]

First, you have to stop worrying and just relax and enjoy it. Get him to nibble on your earlobe or something. Then you've just got to get properly warmed up with fingers. First a rub on the outside, then one finger in, then two, maybe three, shit if he's that far you're more than ready. Just relax and take the ramping up the degree of penetration slowly.

[springdragonfly]

Sort of different experience. I used to ride horses and I broke my hymen years before having sex because of that. However, the first time I did try to have sex, I still had a lot of trouble, just because I was so stressed out and tense that well all of me was clenched up and the guy I was with really couldn't get it in. We kinda realized it would take as long as it had to, and I guess by boyfriend at the time was pretty good about helping me to get more confident about what we were doing, relaxed and super turned on. Oh and I used to have the same problems with tampons as you, until they stopped stressing me out (also a tip in that respect - its probably easiest to get them in when your period is heaviest, it sort of acts like a lubricant).

My advice to you is that you need to get over your fear and see a gyno. I think your issues are probably pretty psychological, but you will never know till you've been checked out. Yes its creepy, but if you can't grow up and get over it and get responsible about your body, you aren't ready to be having sex.

[Asker]

I have tried to be responsible about seeing a gyno but I haven't found one who has been very understanding about my situation. I have had a pap smear (with the gyno just using the Q-tip) even though it was extremely uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I don't like that your gyno yelled at you, I say it's time to find a new doctor. Anyways it is possible that you are to tense like springdragonfly said because I had the same exact problem with the tampons. Like she said it's easier to put it in when your period is heavier. I'm no doctor but I know it's possible to have a hymenectomy which is a surgical procedure where the hymen is broken if you have really thick hymen.

[Anonymous]

You should see a doctor. But part of the problem may be you need to be in love with the guy or your heart doesn't want to regret some thing as memorable as your first time. But that wouldn't explain the finger thing. I would just tell you to go to the doctor.