Turning a romantic vanilla guy into kinky??

[tonsilla]

I'm dating this wonderful vanilla guy. He pays me a lot of compliments, he is the type who brings breakfast for you in the morning, just to make you feel happy. We can talk a lot, and I like spending time with him a lot. But how do I tell him that I'm into kinky stuff only? Which means, that I need him to be a dominant... I've already told him that I like a guy who knows what he wants, and he acts like this. He can take control, but will he like it in sex too? How can I find out if he has these fantasies too, if I don't want him to say that he wants this just to make me happy?

[MrOracle]

Most people consider me a nice guy, but I'm definitely dominant in the bedroom. One doesn't necessarily have to do with the other. You need to talk to him about this.

Now, something you need to know: not all guys can be dominant. You have some guys who are naturally dominant, some guys who aren't, but could learn, and some guys who simply don't have anything dominant in them, and could never be convincing as a dominant.

Another issue is that in the "kinky world", submissive girls in their late teens and 20s have a pretty universal observation/complaint: there are almost no dominant men their age. A big reason for that is that being a convincing dominant, much less a good one, requires MATURITY, and very, very few guys in their 20s have the experience and maturity needed to pull it off. A lot of the ones who try end up acting like mean jerks, and some are even abusive and dangerous. The almost universal experience is that decent/good dominants tend to be in their 30s or older.

I don't know anything about your guy, but you need to keep these things in mind, and have realistic expectations from him. If he's not a dominant, you'll have to accept that, and if it's something you really feel you need, then either you need to break up, or, as some in the kinky community do, you need to get your guy to agree to share you with a dominant guy who can give you what you want.

[AustinMan]

This is a classic conundrum: how do I find out his kinks without putting yours on the table and possibly scaring hi off? It's important to understand that vanillas don't turn kinky. They discover the kinky that was there all along. Hell, maybe it scared them so badly they repressed it. There are a few schools of thought: 1) just tell him what you need and if he isn't into what you need, move on. There is a lot to be said for that. 2) In a neutral location (not the bedroom), tell him that you have these needs and fantasies and you want to find out if his match up. Assure him you won't go screaming out of the room and ask him to tell you one of his darker sexual fantasies. Once he does, it's your turn and hopefully what he said will give you a chance to gently raise the ante and through a few more rounds, hopefully get where you need to be. I sort of specialized in bringing out the kinky in vanilla women when I was single. This method is the best risk/reward producer. 3) You can move and act in ways that expose you to him and if he's comfortable enough, he'll take the bait. Part of it depends on your particular kinks. I'll message you to discuss.

[Anonymous]

A guy being nice doesn't mean he doesn't like dominant sex. That being said, him being a man doesn't mean he always likes being forceful and aggressive either. Most partners I've ever had have been in the middle in their tastes, so it might take some compromise on your end. I mean, if you want a guy to adapt to your sexual tastes, it requires adapting to his as well.

[ketfoen]

I say, what she said

[kheserthorpe]

I'm romantic and all that, but love dominant kinky sex.

Just bring it up.

And you may need to - at some point - give him an idea of how far to go.

[krash2002]

I'm right down the alley of how you described him, and my ex turned me into... well... we have a very kinky love life. Just get him to explore. She took it step by step, and then into the black hole of all kinkiness. I'm now wondering if I am ruined for life... Kinky sex is all I know, and who int he world can be content with missionary?

[artfullyliving]

men are naturally dominant

you don't have to tell us