What do you do if your wife is not sexy?

Thats not the real problem. The real problem is that I never really want to have sex with her any more. She is not ugly at all maybe a little over weight but just not sexy to me. She thinks I just don't have a high sex drive because we only have sex like once a month but really I can't go much over 3 days without going crazy. if any of you have any advice or any thing I could try I don't know where the problem is. I love my wife to death but she is hurt and always being sad because I never try to have sex with her.
Updates:
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Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure what I'll end up doing.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Can you identify a couple things you wish she would do? Is there absolutely nothing she COULD do that gets you going? On the once a month you get busy, what is she does that's turns you on? What is it you fantasize about (that she could be capable of) when you're "going crazy" after 3 days? If there is something you're wishing for more, let her know. Maybe she'll go for it and there you go, an improvement!

    If she's "not ugly" to you then it's probably either A) her being "a little overweight" or B) due to some emotional/relationship problem that you can't fix alone.

    If its A then YOU have a problem because you're apparently only capable of sexual activity with those within a very narrow size/beauty range. For a wife, who you are supposed to love forever, this is going to be a big deal because she's going presumably get pregnant (if you ever get back into the sack with her), have a post-baby body, to age, sag, and so on eventually. You're not going to age much better than she, by the way. So you'd better figure out how to get more open-minded about getting turned on or else prepare to spend the majority of the rest of your life disappointed. Sorry to break the news, but you're not going to be in bed with a stone cold hottie when your middle-aged and neither is she (unless you're a jerk who would actually dump the wife every decade or two for a newer model). Because in the real world people change and droop and get soft and gray. It's your job to deal with it like a man. And a good man keeps saluting the wife, for as long as his little soldier is up to the challenge, which is many years now thanks to viagra.

    If its B, then do the counseling already suggested. Figure out why you don't care much for her any more. For all I know, you guys have a distant or unhappy marriage (unsaid in your question but would TOTALLY explain it. ) Because really, when you're happy with the love of your life, who is also totally in love with you (even if she's a little overweight), you should be WANTING her, not pulling away from her.

    It's likely you're hangup either way.

    Third option, she's just awful in bed (or maybe you both are). So go get some sex therapy and both of you go get better at it. Then it's much more fun.

    • Thanks man that's working for both of us.

    • Cool! What is, if you don't mind? Marriage counseling? Sex therapy? Letting her know what would turn you on?

    • Really just going to her ever few days when I would normally turn to porn. Has done the trick now we are both into each other a lot more.

  • I doubt that there is one 'issue' that is causing this.

    I would probably recommend talking to a relationship counselor about this because something like this can make some serious waves in a marriage and even can cause a divorce. Also,... I would think that you would want to work through this so that you both could be happy.

    You may also want to talk to her and do a lot of inner searching to see what it really is. Is it her,.. are you stressed,... is it just age killing your libido (at your age I doubt that,... but it can happen).

    Seriously, I would get some professional help, and you will probably have to spend some time really working through this.

    I wish you the best.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Well, in some of your answers you keep mentioning alcohol then saying lol. So maybe you just need to get drunk? Lol a lot of guys have these feelings after being married for awhile. It is normal. Go away for a weekend, buy her sexy stuff to put on. She is your wife. You should think she is sexy no matter what. I feel bad she feels bad because her life partner's opinion has changed about her. Get away for a weekend. Romance her.

  • You could buy her something sexy or just find different ways to spice things up in bed. If it's really that bad, then maybe you could see a relationship therapist. You could just go and get some suggestions. Though, if it is bothering her like you said, you guys could simply talk it out and find out what things you two could do to make it better for both of you. I hope these suggestions help!

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  • I think you identified a major source of the problem in one of your responses, but I was going to ask if you had a porn addiction or if you were having an affair. Even though porn isn't another person exactly, it introduces an outsider to your marriage that can get between you and damage your relationship, just like a mistress.

  • This is a really interesting question, and I think that a lot of married men are finding themselves in your situation. You love your wife, but the sexual attraction has faded, and instead of just divorcing her right away, you're trying to fix it--good! Consider marriage counseling. There may be a huge variety of issues creating a mental block that prevents you from finding her attractive.

    I think that this is a mutual problem, and it will require both of you to put in some hard work. If she wants you to find her more attractive, perhaps she has some physical work to do. If you want to find her more attractive, you will have some mental work that needs to be done. Once it's clear that you're both working hard to win each other, the quality of the relationship should significantly improve.

    • Couldn't put it any better my self.

  • Well maybe you should buy some viagra. You don't have to tell her about it so she won't feel bad but it'll increase your sex drive. If you really love her. If not, maybe it's time you separated.