What do you think about Steve Harvey's books & advice that you wait 90 days before having sex?

So, Steve Harvey says women should not have sex with men for the first 90 days of dating them. This, he says is to learn if the relationship is just of a sexual nature or if it is an emotional one as well. It's interesting... What do you think about that? Of you non-virgins, would you do that? Could you do it? If you've read the books or heard about this, does it make any sense to you at all? Why or why not?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Well, there's some sense to it, but like most advice, it must be taken in the context of two actual people, not theoretical ones.

    Here's how it can work:

    - You get to know the other person better the longer you wait

    - You might talk about what the other person expects in a relationship and find out if their goals are compatible with yours

    - If you follow this overall advice, you're less likely to catch an STD, as you aren't going to sleep with as many people, as many men will drop off the radar before 90 days

    Here's how it can backfire:

    - Men (well, ones with experience anyways) know that women aren't asexual creatures and that waiting too long is not just denying him, but also her own needs

    - Many (if not a majority, hard to really get solid stats on this) if not most younger women these days date multiple guys concurrently at some point in their life (making waiting on one girl not a "sure thing" strategy)

    - The financial/emotional cost factor of dating can't be underestimated for men, who do a majority of the initiating and paying, which means that after multiple months of being "taxed", a man can be spent with little to show for it

    Can it work? Yes. Who is it most likely to work for? I'd say guys that are virgins, guys who are older (not a lot of younger guys I'd know who would would be willing to go that long, knowing that there are easier girls out there), guys with lower sex drives, guys that aren't secure in their sexuality, guys that have the money to date for multiple months not knowing if anything will pan out or not and guys who are more religious or traditional in their upbringing.

    Guys that I don't think it will work on are; Younger guys, guys that don't have much money, guys that are confident enough to think they have more than one option when it comes to women, guys that have high sex drives, those men who aren't strictly religious, those guys not looking to settle into a relationship right away, or looking for anything long-term.

    It really depends upon the demographic of the guy as to whether or not this is a winning strategy or or a failed one.

    • Your guys that it won't work on theory is Steve's point exactly. His pt. is to weed out those men & get to the keepers. I don't know about the 90 days, but I think you wait & don't jump every guy you date, that's crazy talk 4sure. As for a man's investment/return in dating...Hmm, he ain't buying a hooker, honey. A man or woman should not expect anything from paying for a date. Ever. This is why I have always pd for my own first date, I don't owe anybody anything. It's bad form to think someone does.

    • Debi, I respect your willingness to pay your own way. That truly is wonderful. You aren't "bought" that way. Just understand that 9/10 women, especially younger ones, will NOT even feign at helping out, even on second dates beyond. Using a 90 days strategy is VERY expensive financially if we're talking about a younger guy here who is most likely dating a girl who will NOT pay her own way. Once again, demographics make a huge difference in dating outcomes.

    • I actually think the pt. of his advice is for long term relationships, not casual dating or hook ups. And a man or woman for that matter, who is truly interested in the other person would actually wait on the other person until they were ready, & not just walk away. Folks keep using the term "expect" when talking about sex. I do not get that at all. Guys expect sex at a certain time? OMG! lol That's just ...IDK ...out there. I haven't dated for a longtime, but I know I didn't raise my son that

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  • Different strokes. N/A. I could, but can't imagine that I would. It isn't sensible for me personally but it might be for some, can't rule it out. ahh the meat! Why?

    I consider myself a very sexual creature, I base deeply connected feelings on physical closeness and the ability and willingness of my partner to share her very being with me. In the initial 90 days of any new relationship I might enter into I would be first and foremost interested in the depth of the emotional and physical bond. I'm not saying I wouldn't / couldn't wait 90 days, I'm saying that unless everything else was so emotionally and soul satisfyingly perfect I would have moved on.

    I've always believed that for me a virginal partner is unnecessary. Please pardon the metaphor but I won't buy a car without a test drive. I will spend considerable time to become familiar with and understand a love interest, but not some predetermined amount of time. I'll know long before 90 days whether or not there is a solid base for mutual respect and a strong desire to be coupled. I might wait and complete some other "pre-purchase" research, but to say that I might invest 90 days prior to determining the sexual cohesiveness and mutual physical satisfaction level of a relationship, is to me, just not honest and forthcoming. Let's have sex and see if we are compatible in a deeply physical way along with the emotional and psychic bonds. In my opinion, and that's all this is, We are going to change over the years. Hobbies, interests, outlooks and opinions...and those changes will be dressed in different fashion..and lead us in different directions but when it comes to sex and the expression of love through the act..it's still naked and honest.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I think in GENERAL, there is something to that, and it's probably a good idea. But for me personally, I have sex with someone new when it feels right, I go with what my gut tells me, whether that means waiting a while or having sex 'right away'. With my current boyfriend, we had sex the second time we hung out alone, and I did it because it felt right. He asked me the next day if I would be 'his girl', and I actually held off on answering because I wasn't sure if I wanted to try something serious with him or if I wanted to keep things more casual. We hung out a few more times, sex sometimes included, before I got back to him about it and told him I'd really like to be his girl, if the offer was still open. We've been together for a little over 7 months now and share an apartment and most major finances. So far so good. =]

    Obviously, I think it will depend more on the individuals whether this is a good idea or not, but I think a strict 90 day restriction is silly. Everyone has their own boundaries.

    • Most definitely. Glad things are working out for you. :D

    • Thanks Debi. =D

  • well I am a virgin, but even if I wasn't I'd still always do it that way. Doesn't have to be exactly 90 days of course, but something like that.

    I'v read the book too, it had some good points, although I feel it more adressed to women quite a few years older than men. But ya the point he made there is, don't sleep with a guy right away, and that is kinda common sense if you want serious relationship

    • I do think a good pt. is don't jump on everyone.

    • well ya, that's what I meant

  • I read the book and loved it. Too many woman hop in bed with a guy on the first few dates and when he doesn't call them back they want to know why. Not for nothing but you didn't respect yourself enough to wait to get to know much about him... why should he respect you enough to call you after you blew him? 90 days doesn't sound unreasonable to me, but you set your own time frame.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • No way would I ever make it that far. I'd be gone. Sorry. Brutally honest. Sex is an integral part of the emotional connection for me. Isn't it for everyone else?

  • He's speaking from an old school point of view, because today that just wouldn't work out. Guys nowadays expect sex within the first week or couple of days

    • Well I sort of do expect that...because pretty much all of my females have wanted sex right away...(:(:(:

    • Outside of the exceptions I stated above, you're right on the money. Also on point, taster is correct in saying that a good number if not a majority of girls aren't going to wait 90 days either. Any guy that doesn't try to make a move on a girl in 90 days is seriously going to risk being friend-zoned.

    • Actually, he is speaking of the here & now, not of yester-year. It does work if you want it to work, but it certainly isn't for folks who don't want it to. I am not a time-line person, no set # of days as to when sex is appropriate. It is when it is. If a guy "expects sex" then it isn't a relationship I want, or a man I want. "Expecting" sex because you're out with someone is messed up.

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  • The way I see it an argument just as convincing could be made for the notion that if you don't have sex right away, you can't know that the romantic feelings aren't simply lust. In fact, that argument is probably more scientifically qualified... I think it's all silly, though. People should just let things happen.

    • I can support that...90 days...can you imagine that?

    • Hahaha. I had a thing with a girl for a while who wouldn't do anything but cuddle until marriage.

    • Oh yeah, to add on, in my country there isn't actually a dating phase, there is a pre-relationship phase which normally involves sex, like 9/10 involves sex, that is totally non-commited and all, before getting into a relationship is considered.

  • No, I would not wait 90 days. That is ridiculous.

    I better be getting sex before that. That's 3 months!

    • Hey! I knew that my question was 2 fold...sex & math! 90 days = 3 months! lol :D You so funny...I think you made my day...needed that.

    • Worse then that, its almost 130,000 minutes.

    • That's 7,800,000 seconds. Can you imagine waiting that long?

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  • I have always taken it at the pace my women wanted to go...and they always wanted sex pretty quickly...had one girlfriend I dated several times before sex..all of the others were within the first few dates...although...I frequently knew the girls prior to our first date...(:(:(:

  • Think Like A Man... Let me tell you,is amazing. Anyways. In my last relationship we followed the 90 day rule. Or relationship was great.. ended because of something awkward lol.

  • It's OK advice but that would not of helped me in a few of my failed relationships. It of course makes sense but I am sure 90% of my problems stemmed from other problems.

  • I guess I'd wait until I felt the time was right without putting a time constraint on it. I've never heard of him nor have read any of his books but could understand his POV to a degree.

  • Ninety days is too much for our Mediterranean with hot blood. Thirty days is with us more than enough.