WHY can't I get/stay hard?

I have once again been embarrassed by this problem. Happened to me with my first girl as well. I CANNOT keep it up during sex or blowjobs or anything else. EVERY other moment of the day, though, I have no problem. When I'm flirting with a girl, constant boner. When I'm thinking about sex, constant boner. When I look at p*rn, constant boner. When the time finally comes to have sex, nothing. Not only is this EXTREMELY embarrassing, but no fun for me. Its like my libido completely dies as soon as its actually time for it to be active. This is exactly what happened last night. I had to resort to just fingering her because I couldn't get it up. I'm SUPPOSED to see again later this week, and she said she wants to, but I texted her like a half hour ago and no response (which I know could be anything, but still, I'm kinda nervous). She came from the fingering, but I don't know if that + good looks are enough to bring her back for more What can I do? Is there anything that helps this (besides viagra or some sh*t)? There was a combination of things making me nervous/inefficient (having to be quiet because my mom was home, the sex being so sudden, condom, and I was extremely tired). Do those sound like something that could have affected this? Seriously, I'm only 23, I should NOT be having this problem. Please help :( I feel like if this happens again it's going to knock my self-esteem to sub-virgin status...
Updates:
+1 y
A part 2 for the girls: If this was a guy you were just fooling around with, would you even come back if he didn't get hard the first time (even if you came from fingering)?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • It's in your head when it only happens around a girl. You feel pressured and it is called performance anxiety.

    Next few times, try taking it slow. Don't try to have sex or do anything with your clothes off. Start off relaxed and work your way into more and more things as you get more comfortable. This happened for me as well, where after some time I would need to stop and "fluff" or just stop completely. The important thing to do is to try and quiet your mind. With your own fears screaming at you, it makes it real difficult to focus on the task at hand. Also if you lose your erection, don't beat yourself up over it. Simply focus your attention on her and that will keep things moving along. If you please her, she'll be more than willing to be patient and help you along- even if it's not during that session. Eventually you will become more at ease with yourself and will be able to perform as you would behind closed doors.

    Just don't panic if you start to lose your erection, don't finish soon/long enough, etc...otherwise you will have a mental block every time. Repetition until you get comfortable with the situation.

    • Makes sense, but the repetition part will be difficult considering this opportunity rarely presents itself for me :(

    • Is she not a regular sex partner?

    • No, last night was the first time and she's leaving for school next week. It's not serious, which kind of makes it worse actually because fooling around is kind of pointless when I can't even do it...

    • Show All
  • Sounds like nerves. It's not a physical thing since you have gotten boners when talking about sex and stuff. It sounds like you are too tense and not relaxed. Your mind is going crazy and as a result its preventing you from being turned on. Don't worry so much about things like performance. Just enjoy and be in the moment. Don't even think about getting it up, just focus on the girl and it will just happen.

Most Helpful Girls

  • you're probably worrying too much. if you stress yourself about getting hard, you might not get hard. just relax and have fun with her. take it slow!

    this is totally normal, it happens to plenty of guys all the time! nothing to be too concerned about.

    • yeah, I'd come back if I liked him :p

  • while she's blowing you have her slide her hands up your shaft only not down..this increases blood flow thus making you hard

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Mainly stress related.

    Condom doesn't help.

    Cut p*rn entirely.

    Stop focusing on being hard or on outcome. Does it feel good when she's touching you? Then just enjoy it. You don't have to be hard, you don't have to cum, just enjoy the sensation.

    • +1 for cutting out p*rn, and also for not focusing so much on the outcome

  • Buy yourself a penis pump, a cream called peniform, and a good cockring ;)