Why do men only feel loved through sex?

A lot of men say that they feel unloved if they don't have sex. That seems strange to me because there are many different ways for a woman to express her love, which I think are more special then sex. A woman can still love her man and not feel like sex... but men don't seem to think so, they think if the woman doesn't want to have sex, then she mustn't love him. Why? how is sex such a big form of love to men? it's not a form of love to me. It's just sex. If a man wants to have sex with me, I know it doesn't mean he loves me, it's just his sexual urges.
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I don't think sex is a good way for a man to express his love to a woman... most men will have sex with anyone, as long as they are willing. I personally don't feel loved from sex, I feel used. I know the guy wants it because it's his natural urge not because of love. I would rather he show me he loves me by doing sweet little things for me.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Okay I'm going to try to explain this as best as I can without trying to offend anybody. It wasn't until recently that I finally understood what sex meant to me until I stopped getting it regularly. Sex in my relationship was a pretty regular event. I felt more confident and on top of the world nothing could touch me I felt very alive and desired. Now that I'm not really getting it anymore I feel depressed, unloved and undesired. When my lady is allowing me to have sex with her I feel connected with her it makes me feel like I'm doing right by her and that she's happy. When she rejects me it's not a psyical rejection it's a very deep emotional one. It makes me feel inadequate often my mind lurks to darker thoughts like maybe she found someone else or she doesn't find me attractive anymore. I feel like I just can't do it for her anymore and that sole feeling leads to my depression. Depression leads to withdrawal and withdrawal leads to resentment. Even if she allows me to have sex with her if she doesn't seem whole hearted in the desire and is just fucking me so I'll stop bugging her I still feel rejected and unloved. I want to feel wanted to feel she wants to connect with me. During sex I can drop my guard and let my emotions run free. I feel like I'm the most at one with her during sex. The issue here is that women don't understand how men feel because they aren't men. So they minimize or compare they way they feel loved to the way we feel loved when realistically it's like apples to oranges. Most men who are at the top of thier game have great sex lives with the women they are committed to. Do you honestly think that's coincidence? Sure I love the kisses and affection she shows me but that's how women feel loved. Men need sex not want need. I can't stress it enough. Even if I stepped out on her tonight for another women I still wouldn't feel the same way I feel when I'm having sex with her. If anything I'd feel more depressed...

  • Believe it or not Men and Women are very different in the way their minds work. Concerning sex, just think about how sex for men and women work. A man can have children with as many women as he wants, or is able, and so our brain is biologically programmed to want to transfer our DNA to the next generation as much as we can, but a women has to wait 9 months at least after one child before she can even think of having another, and even then only at a certain time of the month. This means that a woman is biologically programmed not to transfer her DNA as much as possible, but to make sure that when she does she is protected from any harm while vulnerable (i.e. pregnant).

    In short, men value sex in a matter of quantity while women value it in a matter of longevity. We're biologically programmed to want different things.

    Remember we evolved these tendencies a long time ago and biology is very slow to catching up with civilization. This is why we have families and marriages, so that a man's other biological functions (i.e. that of fathering children) will take precedent over more archaic thought processes.

    Or if you want you can just say that men are behind the evolutionary curve. I won't blame you!

Most Helpful Girls

  • Well, I've never heard a guy say he ONLY feels loved through sex.

    But here's the thing. You don't need to love a person to want to have sex with them, but typically if you love someone, you also desire sex with them. Sex can certainly be an expression of your love for someone, and sex is an important part of a healthy, adult relationship (unless both people are asexual).

    When your partner does not want to have sex with you, it doesn't feel good. It can feel like rejection and it can make you feel very insecure (Are they no longer attracted to me? Do they no longer have the feelings for me they once did? Is there something wrong in our relationship? etc.). It can make a person feel like their partner doesn't care about their need for sexual intimacy (which can be a pretty big problem, especially if you're in a monogamous relationship since your partner is the only person you can go to to have this need met).

    If for him, loving someone means he also wants to have sex with them, he might assume that it's the same way for his partner... so if she doesn't want sex with him, he might worry that she no longer has feelings for him.

    Of course, I'm not saying that it's okay for a person to pressure their partner into having sex with them (i.e. "If you loved me, you'd have sex with me"), nor am I saying that it's reasonable to expect their partner to be ready and willing every time they want sex (there are going to be times when one person wants sex, but the other person doesn't). However, a lack of regular sex in a relationship CAN make a person feel undesired and unloved, even if that isn't really the case (i.e. maybe it's just that their partner has a lower sex drive, or is experiencing things that are making their sex drive lower that is unrelated to their partner).

    • Re: your update Sex shouldn't make you feel used---it should be something that both you and your partner share and enjoy together. Do you not desire sex at all? Do you not enjoy sex? Does your partner put an effort into pleasuring you?

    • I feel used because that's why guys get girlfriends, so they can have sex.

    • Sorry, but no. If you're dating guys who only want a girlfriend so they can have sex, you're dating the wrong guys. If you believe that all guys are like that, you are misinformed. Plenty of guys want relationships because they genuinely enjoy being with/spending time with the girl, they enjoy the conversations they have with her, they have fun with her, etc. (i.e. the same reasons why you probably want a relationship with a guy). However, generally people also want to have sex with the person

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  • it's one of the differences between men and women. read john gray. sure some men want to just use a woman for sex but then there are those who love you and use it to express their love for you too.

    • Yes but if he loves her he will be focusing on pleasing HER, not just jacking off in her vagina. Men act very differently in bed when they love you versus when it is just an urge.

    • I don't think so. they act the same

  • He's probably trying to screw with your head. Men don't "need" sex to feel loved, like you said there are plenty of larger ways to express it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 16
  • From my perspective, I'll say I've never felt that way. For me, and I explain it the same way to all girls I've ever dated or had sex with, I have to feel in love with a girl I'm in a relationship with before I have sex with her (note the key phrase in that sentence). If I'm not in a relationship with a girl and she's into it, then okay, why not? If both parties understand it's not a love thing. However, if I'm in an exclusive relationship with a girl, I have to feel loved before sex.

    To that end, I also feel that sex is an expression of love between a couple in a relationship. That's one of the things I think is somewhat dangerous about casual sex (at the risk of sounding hypocritical), is that it kind of turns people off of the idea that sex involves love in a relationship.

    • if you were in a relationship and the girl didn't want to have sex with you, would you think she doesn't love you? that's what I mean.

    • Generally, no. If I were in a relationship with her for like three months and she hadn't even mentioned the idea of it, I'd be somewhat curious. However, I don't want to have sex all the time so I imagine she doesn't, either.

    • so the girl has to bring sex up first? I don't think many would. Also 3 months is really soon. What if she never wants to have sex. would you think she doesn't love you? even if she does other loving things

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  • If I am having sex with a woman, it means her and I are in a serious longterm relationship with love involved. Women don't give sex to just anyone right? And I am NOT someone who brings out the sexual vibes in women the way Denzel Washington does.

    Damn.

    If I am NOT having sex with a woman, her and I are just friends.

    Sex workers don't count, that is a completely different subject. Though I will admit that I've been a tad bit drawn to a few of them. Must have been out of desperation or they were really that good! heheh.

    What I am saying is that for me, sex is the lock down that ties a lot of men to a specific woman. Only the tall, handsome, healthy, wealthy, age-specific, race-specific, rich men can treat women like dirt for the sole purpose of sex only. The rest of us must acknowledge a good woman's interests in us and better keep her. Drunk women and trappers don't count

    • some women have sex with anyone, just like some guys have sex with anyone... so sex isn't really love. If a guy wants to have sex with me I don't think "oh he must love me so much" I just think he's a guy and all guys want sex. I don't think sex is a good way for a man to show that he loves a woman.

    • Who are these women? Please refer them to me! heheh. Think I'm kidding? I'm already in the car with chocolates, condoms and breakfast for her in the morning! Damned if I've ever met a woman who'd screw me out of the blue. Prove me wrong please!

    • go to a bar or club you'll find pleanty.

  • Men doesn't only feel loved through sex. I myself am an example of that. But men usually, for some reason, likes sex better than women, and feel that sex is important to a relationship. That they only feel loved through sex, is either quite special for some certain men, or a lie.

    A proof of that is one night stands, where both men and women does it, not to feel love, but to feel good, or for the fun of it.

  • I totally agree with you.

  • Men are emotionally validated by sex. Pure and simple. I have female friends but I do not love them in the romantic sense, nor they me. Romantic love without inevitable sexuality is like thirst without water. For those who are absolutely abstinent until marriage, even a clothed HJ can keep the fire burning for a while.

  • Nobody knows why people feel things. Just that they do. We can only guess at why.

    It is likely that men and women evolved to fall in love because it helped with child rearing. The male would help provide resources etc and that helped the kids be more likely to survive.

    Given that environment, men who -stayed- in love with women they weren't sexual with would have ended up raising some other guys kids and died out of the gene pool.

    I'd hazard a guess that once men are in love, sex is perhaps the most basic thing that makes them feel loved. It is not how they most naturally express love though - that's by providing resources. Men in love love giving stuff to the girl.

    • Re: update. Makes perfect sense. Note that most women do NOT want sex with just anyone - that's why for men sex makes us feel loved.

  • And what applies to you must apply to everyone else or it's wrong? that's a bit self-centered.

  • Men who say they need sex to feel loved are either emotionally manipulating you, are confusing love and lust, or have the mentality and maturity of a 14 year old.

    • yeah I agree. But even grown up married men say they feel unloved if their wife doesn't want sex.

    • It's true. I have listened to many married men who feel something is wrong once the sex stops. It quite often leads to divorce for one reason or another.

    • Sex is not the issue. If a woman wants to with-hold sex, then it's a symptom of something else. Sex is normal and healthy in any relationship. If a woman doesn't want to have sex, I don't wonder why she doesn't love me, but rather, what the christ is wrong in the relationship and can it be addressed or salvaged.

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  • I guess probably one of the best ways to look at it is, guys are built to spread their "seed" around. We do have sex on our minds a lot, but not all guys want to have sex to feel loved... Guys and Gals look at the same things differently for the most part.

    Look at how many times you see a naked woman in a movie over a naked guy. Hollywood knows that if their movie isn't going to be interesting to a guy, they can have a topless scene, and guys'll watch the movie for that, and make women happy because their man is there watching the movie. Where as with women, they'll watch a movie to make their man happy, not because there's a naked man in it (generally speaking).

    I hope this has helped you out some.

  • because if a women has sex with us she's saying she is wiling to raise our child for 18 years and sees us as a worthy enough man to impregnate her. that's why guys don't like sluts because she loves everybody and she's not special at all.

  • Because if you really loved us, you'd have sex with us, not withhold it. If we're constantly getting rejected for sex, we know it's that you don't like us or trust us enough to have sex with you.

  • You are way too young to be so bitter. Sex and love are both equally important parts of healthy loving relationships. It's not about not feeling loved it's about not feeling wanted/desired or the feeling of being rejected. It basically just comes down to the insecurities that are just human nature.

    • By the way, I don't want to have sex with anybody other than my wife because I chose her to be the one who's my partner in life. I agree that sex doesn't equal love but I was in love with my wife before we ever had sex. You can't just fit all guys with the same shoe.

  • Just a guy's point of view. A woman feels her love through talking and feeling cared about, but for a man, there is a strong link between physical love and emotional love. I know that I for one feel much closer to someone after we have sex. It's not a man's choice...it is his hormones at work. And those same hormones make his love feel stronger if there is intimacy between you. While it's true that many guys would have sex with a toad if they got satisfied...when you really love someone, you want to be as close to that person as is possible. And how much closer can you be than in intercourse? It must be hard to know what a man is really after, but don't be quick to blame him because he wants to be closer to you. Depends on what you feel for him and how much you trust him and believe in him. But he needs to realize, even married men do not get lucky with their wives, unless they do all the sweet things necessary to get her in the mood. If he is expressing love to you and you feel that too, then do whatever you think is right. But if he isn't, then tell him to go get it elsewhere and leave you alone.

  • Seems there are a lot of women here that don't have any understanding of a man at all...and think they do.

    Before you think your man is bad for wanting sex with you all the time, perhaps you ought to consider the fact that men aren't wired like women, and they don't think or feel about things like women do.

    Do you realize that a man has 20 times the testosterone coursing through his body that you do? Testosterone is what makes us all feel horny. He has these chemicals to deal with and you think it's BS?

    Love doesn't come from sex...but I myself feel such a strong bond to the woman I make love to. It is just terribly strong...more than you might believe. When you love someone, you want to feel close to them. A man does feel this terrible closeness to a woman that gives her body to him. And when she says "NO" to him, it feels like she has completely rejected you as a man. Like he means nothing important to you at all. You can say that is BS also...but in my case it is very true. I can be affectionate, and cuddle, and all that , without sex and be fine with it. But I truly do feel my love through the act of having sex. I feel closer to her and like she wants me. And when she doesn't, I feel like I have been completely rejected as a man...as her man...and as if my love for her means nothing. I am quite sure the feelings I get and have are very chemical in nature...but to tell me I have these feelings is BS, is some kind of BS itself. Lets put 20 times the testosterone into your body and see how you deal with it.

  • I think it's because men live their social/relationship existence through their penis, whereas women in general aren't as sexual or emotionally primitive, so they express themselves in other ways. Usually by talking.

    • lol emotionally primitive, that doesn't even mean anything, not to mention men are the ones that created the greatest works of logic known to mankind, you can keep emotions ill go with intellect

    • you're a virgin what would you know about this Q.

    • youre moms virgin what would your face know about this

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  • men care a lot about sex. If you give them the sex they want you show them you are happy to make him happy so guys dig that and they feel like returning the favor. All in all it creates bonds.

  • Its just biology. That's how we are.

  • I am with my girlfriend for over 2 years we love each other but we never had sex we both are virgin.