Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Disclaimer: Given that this topic is extremely sensitive, I hope that I have not offended anyone here. In the case that I do, I am extremely sorry. This mytake has been quite difficult to put together, and I hope you folks can be understanding and tolerant of any mistakes I have made here. Do let me know about any thing you find wrong with my article, and I will try my best to rectify the situation.
Otherwise, here goes nothing:
Having a child often seems like fun and laughter until the baby actually pops out. It is then that as new parents, both of you will probably realise that the early parenthood journey is a lot more stressful and demanding, physically, emotionally and mentally. So here are a few pointers that may help you and your baby daddy along the way.
Before I dive into anything, it is essential for both of you to realise that modern parenthood is not like what it used to be back in the old days. Fathers now take an ever-increasing load of responsibilities in the household, be it household chores, baby care, and other things, and that is wonderful. However, things will not be as smooth as you want it to be, if you or your partner is bearing the brunt of the responsibilities of supporting a family. So, talk about it openly with your partner and discuss what you both prefer and are willing to do, as well as what you want from each other.
Here are some tips for new mothers who may be concerned about their baby daddies.
Being a new mother is indeed taxing. There's the weeks, or even months long healing process, the emotional fluctuations and mood swings, the increased load on your already battered body now that you have to care for a baby, creation of negative body image, and all this you are constantly battling while trying to juggle your own needs and the needs of your child, while trying to keep Mr. hubby happy and satisfied. It can and will probably be straining on your romantic relationship. Not to mention the possibility of PPD for both you and your beloved hubby. Yikes!
1. This is why you should sit down with hubby and have a good talk about the issues that may spring up during and after pregnancy, when you decide to have a baby. Discuss the needs that you and your partner will have during and after your pregnancy, give him space, security and encouragement to tell you what he is worried about, what he thinks he can contribute throughout the journey, as well as what he may need from you (yes, your hubby still has his own needs).
You should also tell him what you may need from him, how you think he can assist you (since you are the one popping a baby out of the oven), and what you yourself are concerned about. Both your opinions and concerns matter. This can range from discussions about sexual unavailability (This can go both ways, there are both moms and dads out there complaining about the absence of sex in the relationship after a baby), the roles, duties and responsibilities you and your husband will take on, how to keep the romance alive (A successful and blossoming romantic relationship is essential for good child rearing!), and many other things that may even sound absurd to him or to you. You can even discuss how you both would adapt in case the situation changes (eg. C-section, stitches and tears, etc.).
Yes, sometimes things do not go according to plan, but it still helps to have a plan, and being adaptive to the circumstances as they change.
2. Make time for both of you. Yes, parenthood is hectic and tiring and time-consuming, and there may not be as much time to spend with each other compared to the pre-baby days. But it is important to spend quality time with each other, because distance causes stagnation and promotes misunderstanding, which we all know, will cause your marriage to sour. This quality time could be 20 minutes after dinner, or spread out in small pockets throughout the day. This is also the time where you continue to discuss your ever-changing needs, feelings and grievances, and will signal to him that even though you may unintentionally push him away with your mood swings and touch sensitivity, you still want him to be a part of your life and you still love him (trust me, your man may need that kind of reassurance more than your realise).
3. A soft answer turns away wrath. Your hormones, mood swings and lack of sleep may cause unnecessarily harsh outbursts towards your spouse, even over seemingly small things, like maybe forgetting to restock the snack bar at home after he has finished most of the snacks. Your emotions are valid, and he should be able to empathise with you, especially since you just are not able to be who you used to be. But when emotions do flare up, take a breather. Hand the baby to your partner for awhile and go out to blow some steam. Go for a walk. Go grocery shopping. Take the time to consider the way you want to present your feelings to your baby daddy. Gentle phrasing and tone will always yield better results, compared to being hostile and confrontational (name-calling and abusive tendencies are a big no-no!).
At the end of the day, try telling him: "Honey, I understand that being a father and provider is hard and tiring on you, and I appreciate you for that. But, I still need you. I am really under a lot of physical, emotional and mental burden right now, and I want to ask you to help me with the floor-mopping, the laundry. I also need you to restock the snack bar and fridge whenever possible because I am always hungry. Thank you for loving me as is, and I appreciate your help. I want to do as much as I can, I want to, and do love you, but my body really is not allowing me to show it right now." Gently tell him what you need, and how you feel, explain why you need it and why you feel that way, give positive affirmation for desirable actions, and he will be more than likely to offer his assistance without him feeling battered, angry and dejected because of strong words.
4. This leads me to my next point. Tell him you love him and appreciate his efforts. Many times, when the mother is completely swept up in childcare responsibilities, they end up unintentionally making their hubbies feel sidelined because less attention is paid to them. I'm not saying that it is ok for them to demand unconditional attention from you all the time, what I am saying here is that there can and probably should be an effort on your part to make sure he knows your love for him is unwavering and still present, although you may not be able to show it at the moment (refer to the example in point 3.).
It is common and totally understandable for unintentional outbursts to happen on your part, and more than anything, your hubby should understand that, and try to empathise. However, it will often leave him feeling unwanted and/or unloved. It would not hurt to, for example, write him a personal letter telling him that you appreciate his efforts, that you are trying your best to love him no matter what, and that he should continue trying to love you even though you may reject it. As long as he is confident about your feelings for him, he is a lot less likely to pull away from you.
5. Actively involve him in your child's life, and let him develop his own ways of parenting/baby care. Let him change some diapers, put the baby to sleep, and spend quality time with the baby in general. Although the baby may at first keep crying for mommy, it is essential for fathers to strengthen their bond with their children as much as mommy's bond with her children is important. And when his style of baby care does not go well with you, well, tell him. Remember what I said about gentle suggestions? Yes. Do that, but at the same time, do know that he wants to learn on his own, because that is how he is the most comfortable carrying out baby duties.
Moreover, this takes some of the stress off your shoulders, and gives you time to rest and recuperate. Being fresher, in general, will have a positive impact on your romantic relationship.
6. Hear him out, and ask him how he is coping. As much as transitioning to motherhood is a momentous change for you, transitioning to fatherhood is no less earth-shaking for him. Even after having talks pre-partum about the roles you will take and what you will each do to support the family, chances are, he will be unsure of what to do as many of the new responsibilities he will now undertake are completely foreign to him. He will also have his own unique set of challenges to deal with (now that he needs to help you, care for the baby, and work at the same time). Moreover, being a (good) father takes a toll on him too. He too will feel tired, stressed, worried (about both you and the baby). Get him to voice out his concerns and feelings regularly, and you should also take the opportunity to tell him how you feel, to ask for support, and to tell him what you need from him (tell him nicely, demanding and screaming at him will just make things worse).
7. Be attentive to your (and his) mental health. PPD is a real thing, for both men and women. If it happens to you, do not hesitate to let him know, so he can assist you in seeking help. More likely than not, he is also worried about your mental state, so ensuring that you are taking care of your mental health properly will allow him to take a load off his chest. If you begin to find him easily irratable, staying at work for longer periods of time, losing motivation, running into more physical issues, or even becoming distant from you and the baby, those are clear signs something is not right. Sit him down, talk with him, encourage him to seek help. It may also be beneficial to seek couples' counselling. We all cannot deny that you and your partner's mental health are both essential to successfully maintaining a family and rearing a child.
8. Be open to sex and other forms of intimacy. It is true and understandable that the last thing you want to happen after a long day of being mercilessly bossed around by a baby, is to have sex, or be intimate in other ways, or to even be touched by your hubby. Your hormones are really screwing things up, your self-image may be at an all time low, and you will definitely be sleep-deprived. I will agree that it is completely ok to refuse sex, and your partner should respect that you really cannot commit to sexual intimacy for the time being.
However, it may be a good idea to slowly start opening up about non-sexual intimacy, as we all know how good that is at maintaining relationships. Granted, you will not have enough time to spend as just the two of you anymore, but having small moments on a day-to-day basis where you incorporate shows of affection, such as hugging and cuddling (you can bring the baby in too!), having your nightly talk after the baby is asleep, even holding hands for a few minutes while watching the baby go to sleep in his crib, will serve to maintain the strength and quality of your relationship with your spouse. You can turn these small things into a routine that will greatly improve your relationship.
Trying out sexual stuff may be beneficial once the 6 weeks are over, or when tears and other issues have decided to more or less heal up. Once again, it is ok to refuse sex, but you may have to reassure him that its not his fault, you really are unable to do it because you are too tired, stressed and your hormones are screwing you over (breastfeeding and the associated hormonal changes that lower libido, especially), and he should empathise and not pressure you. Tell him that you understand his sexual frustration and ask him to understand your situation. Any good hubby will more than likely be more than supportive of you.
If he is the one showing sexual apprehension when you want to get it on, this may affect your self esteem even more. You may think it is because your body is not what it used to be, or that somehow being a mother makes you less sexually attractive, among other feelings. If he truly loves you, then rest assured that is probably not the reason. Men's hormones do change after becoming a new father, and he may be tired from work, baby care and household duties. Give him time. Also, watch out for this as it may be a sign of PPD as well; it is completely possible that seeing you go through so much pain has caused him to be unable to even think about sex like he used to.
If both of you are somehow horny and want to get it on but its still a warzone down there, then do not do anything penetrative. And it may be a good idea to not go down there at all for at least the first few weeks. If you want to, you can find other ways to please both him and yourself. This kind of situation is probably rare though, to say the least.
9. Bear in mind that he also has his own needs and problems. Sometimes he may have had a rough day at work, maybe he is frustrated that despite his best efforts the baby is still crying, maybe he is feeling lost and unsure of his position in your relationship now that things have changed. Maybe he is just feeling apprehensive because you seem distant although you actually really love him, you just are not able to tell him. Communication is key. Encourage active feedback from him and reinforce that he is a good father, and that will motivate him to keep trying his best.
10. Communicate. Tell him when you want him to do something. More often than not, your loving husband wants to please you and to care for you, but he is not sure how to. Maybe he is scared to ask because he thinks he should know you better and is feeling guilty. Maybe he is worried that when he does something spontaneously in an effort to alleviate your stress, he may screw it up or you will not like it. These are all serious impediments in the way of rekindling your relationship during and after an exhausting period of time as new parents. So, tell him how he can help you. Avoid silence wherever possible. Help him to help you. And if he does something wrongly in an effort to be useful, try to give positive affirmation and teach him the way you prefer it done, instead of, well, biting his head off. This will make him want to help even more.
11. Avoid being competitive with your darling. Unfortunately, it can be all too easy to fall into a vicious cycle of compare and contrast as to who has it worse, who is more tired, who needs more rest, who needs more support, etc, etc. It never ends! (Or rather, it often ends in bitterness and an unhappy marriage.) Although you live together, you both face your own challenges that the other partner may not be able to easily sympathise with. For example, he will never know the trouble of getting up every night to breastfeed every 2-3 hours, and you will not understand what it is like to for him to have to stay up till 12am watching the baby while you get some much needed rest, waking up at 4am to work the morning shift. It gets bad on both ends. What is important here is, more than anything, empathy and appreciation. Any discrepancies can be, and should be, amicably sorted out for the benefit of you, your partner, and the baby.
As we all probably know, it is important to note that the experience will differ from person to person, from mother to mother, and from father to father. Therefore it is essential not only to build a healthy relationship with your partner, but also with your family and friends. They can be a surprising source of help for both you and your spouse. Do not be afraid to reach out to your baby's grandmas and grandpas to assist you, or even your siblings and in-laws. With the right kind of family bond, they can be a huge help during the process of growing as a new mother and father.
That said, it is ok and completely normal to be unable to follow these tips sometimes, even if you really want to, and even if you really love your husband more than anything in this world. The journey is already exceedingly difficult as is, and keeping these pointers in mind will be undoubtedly more so, but I would encourage you to try. Your relationship should not go to ashes because your baby tore a rift between you and your beloved. Ask for his understanding and empathy, and make it clear that more than anything you are glad that you are taking this journey with him. You (and your spouse) are only human, and you are not superheroes. There will be times with either one of you, or even both of you, begin to falter, and in those cases, come back to what made your whole journey possible in the first place. Look for things that you both used to enjoy doing, and do it once in awhile.
Talk to each other, even when your body absolutely does not want to. It may be exceedingly hard to control and regulate your emotions postpartum, and I do sincerely hope that your hubby can understand and stand WITH you in these situations. After all, you still love him, right? I am sure that you do not have the intention to hurt him in any way, and you are grateful for his contributions. Just make sure that he confidently knows all that as well. Once again, faltering and failing is part and parcel of being human. But, what can stand in your way if your relationship can survive childbirth and blossom DURING the parenthood process? And remember, although you may not want to, apologizing after spewing fire on him may serve to melt the ice that forms as a result.
That's all for now, I hope that this is an interesting, and perhaps helpful read for those who come across it. If you have anything to add or any discrepancies you want to address, do let me know by sharing an opinion or sending me a text. Honestly it has been hard writing this article, as I have come across many sad stories while searching for information on this topic. Really heart-wrenching and completely gutting stories. But it is my sincere hope that through this article I can reach and help people who are suffering in their marriage because of a new baby.
#parenting #relationship
Links for photos:
https://www.christianforums.com/blogs/a-gentle-answer-turns-away-wrath.58188/
https://equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/when-you-and-your-husband-disagree-on-parenting/
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