5 Animals Who Have A Worse Sex Life Than You

[Elarra]

Ah, yes. The animal kingdom. Some live in the wild while others are domesticated and live with us in our very homes. But what do we REALLY know about these animals? Are they mammals? Fish? Carnivores? Herbivores?

Yes, we all know those things. If you don’t, then your 6th grade science teacher should be fired. But what about their sex lives?

That’s right. I’m here to talk sex. Sex sex sex sex. And not just any type of sex, but the most AWFUL sex lives in the animal kingdom. So if you’ve ever had a bad sexual experience, hopefully these animals make you feel a bit better about it.

1. Wolves

While wolves are known for being majestic, fierce, and beautiful, one thing you should not envy them for is their sex life. Why? Well…imagine having sex with a girl you find extremely beautiful or, ladies, a guy that just turns you on in all the right ways. You engage in the moment and once your done, you separate yourselves…only to discover that you can’t.

Yup, you read that right. A male wolf is physically attached to his female lover for at least 30 minutes before they can actually pull apart from another. Attempting to do so and/or succeeding results in excruciating pain. So count your blessings.

2. Short-beaked Echidna

This one isn’t necessarily about the act of sex, but more so the sexual organs itself.

We all know men are afraid of one thing: Blue balls. I’m not a guy, but the name sounds terrible and horrifying. But how would you feel if I told you there was animal with a worse fate?

Apparently, the Short-beaked Echidna’s testicles grow up to 200% between June and September, their mating season.

Then you have the females, who literally turns their cloaca (basically the internal hole that leads to sexual organ excretions) inside out and smears goo all over the place to attract a mate.

All this….and the Echidna’s only have sex one time because the females are so picky. So much work yields so little profit. And you thought us human females were selective…

3. Lions

Lions probably have one of the more violent and exhausting sex lives.

For starters, the female can mate up to every 15 minutes with the same or different male lion. She can be in heat approximately three days. So if there’s just one or two male lions around, that can be a lot for him to handle, especially considering prides usually have more females than male.

But that’s not really the worst part. Sex as a lion is worse for the male than female. Why? Because they get punched in the face.

Yup, you read that right. When a lion is done doing his, ahem, BUSINESS, the female will sometimes turn around and punch/swat him right in the nose. Sometimes she’ll even do it right before mating in a playful and flirty way to show the male she’s interested. Exciting, huh?

So if you’re a guy…count your blessings that us females don’t usually do that unless, you know, you were an asshole.

4. Honey Bees

So, once again, I’m going to reference blue balls to give men a small snapshot of what the male honey bee goes through.

Blue balls has been described as excruciating to the point where it feels like they’re going to explode. Well, guess what? Male honey bees actually do have genitals that explode.

Seriously. When he’s mating with the female/queen bee, his genitals explode at the point of ejaculation to force the semen inside her. Not only that, but his male parts are actually stuck inside her once he’s finished. Then the male bee falls to his doom and dies moments later.

Crazy, right? I’m so glad that human males don’t do that.

5. Squids

Let’s go under the sea for our next animal because this probably the worst sexual experience on this list for females.

Can you imagine a guy stabbing you and then ejaculating all over your wounds? I’m sure you can’t nor do you want to, but guess what? That’s exactly what happens to female squids. The Dana Octopus Squid male uses his beak to stab holes in her and then uses his sexual appendage to inject his sperm.

That’s not even the most horrifying one. Ever heard of the Greater Hooked Squid? Well, now that you have, check this out. Instead of stabbing her, he simply ejaculates flesh dissolving sperm that burrow themselves in her skin.

Yeah, not fun. I’d rather be stabbed than covered in acid.

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There you go. Five animals that have a worse sex life than you. And if they don’t, then God bless you because that’s awful.

[COCOCHANEL]

i guess the stabbing is like fingering with long nails

[DanReynolds]

So basically its not just male humans that get the short straw in sexual reproduction/ mating. Nice

[Adigelunar]

interesting one

[Rogue2]

Ouch. If I were a Honeybee, I'd fly right into a box fan. Screw exploding balls. Yikes.

[smahala1991]

Damn now I know why Squidward never had a wife. He is afraid after sex his cum will kill his mate. I never knew male bees genitals exlpode after sex. I am really glad human genitals dont

[TheInvisibleMan]

They all still have a better sex life than me

[Blitzkrieger]

A sex life is better than no sex life i think.