6 Outrageously Awful Things Guys Said to Me Before Making "The Move"

[winter]

Girls, if you've been intimate with a few guys, you know about "the move." And I'm not talking about the Seinfeld mid-sex move; I'm talking about the move that leads to sex. C'mon, you know what I'm talking about.

It usually involves a hard kiss or a gentle caress somewhere. And for certain guys, there's usually a phrase...a series of words they hope will make you melt. I think some guys actually practice these lines beforehand. Either that, or the words just sort of come out involuntarily in the heat of the moment. ...maybe that's why they they're always so lame.

Here are 6 of the most totally inexplicable things I've heard before a guy moved in for the kill (so-to-speak):

6. "I'll bring you to the promised land...twice."

It's a nice sentiment, it really is. And I like confidence in a guy. But it was the pause that almost made me laugh in his face. It was just so melodramatic and when he breathed "twice" in my ear, all I could think of was having to fake it the second time just to appease him. Great.

5. "Whatever I do to you, you'll thank me after."

It was more than a little creepy because I started to picture a lot of bizarre sex play I'd never experienced. It was just the way it was worded, like he was going to do things that were so unique and different and I'd never experienced them before. And then of course, I knew I'd be getting the same ol' same ol' roll in the hay, with a few minor additions that some guys think are special, like they're the only men on earth who do 'em. Yeah, wrong.

4. "Don't worry about what you look like naked."

I know that guys think they're being sensitive and it's well known that women can be very insecure. But Jesus, you don't say this before you're going to take a woman's clothes off! You might think it and make it plain in your actions but when you say it, the woman is immediately three times as self-conscious as she was before and oh yeah, she also thinks you think she's going to look like a cow with her clothes off. That's just the sort of thing I need before sex, thanks.

3. "I hope you're not a screamer because your neighbors are gonna think I'm killing you in here."

Well now, isn't that...nice. The boasting is fine, I guess, and if done correctly, it can really get my spine tingling. But here's a general rule of thumb: Never put the picture of murder in someone's head when that person is about to become the most vulnerable she ever is in life. And it's probably a bad idea to talk about screaming, too, because the brain can easily misinterpret the meaning. Just a really bad choice of words, bucko.

2. "It's time for the man to be a man."

I almost had to stop and ask him what the hell this even means. I mean, this was growled and I guess he was going for something extremely masculine and maybe even animalistic, but it just sounded weird. I guess the only way I could interpret this was to believe that I'd never be in control...and there are times when that's fine, but don't broadcast your intentions. Actually, it really just sounded more selfish than anything.

1. "Could you please tell me when you orgasm?"

I couldn't stop myself when I heard it. I just laughed. It was like a pathetic plea, as if he'd be desperate to know. I know some guys like it when the woman announces her orgasm and that's normal but it was the way it was said, and the fact that it was said at all. It sort of tells me you wouldn't be able to tell (which is a little disheartening for any girl), and also reeks of self-doubt. Plus, if I didn't orgasm, I got the feeling he'd go kill himself or something.

Just put a huge damper on the whole thing. Not exactly the best sex of my life but yes, I did appease him if you're wondering.

[Anonymous]

It never occurred to me to have a catchphrase, now I'm going to have to make one up.

What do you think of

Can you smell gas?

You have hairs growing out of your ears.

I have webbed feet.

Have you ever snorted milk through your nose?

[Teacupelephant]

I like the last two a lot. "Have you ever snorted milk through your nose?" definitely has that existential, understanding feel. Be sure to whisper and make direct eye-contact, that would totally up the intimacy and sexiness to 745%.

[Opinion Owner]

@Teacupelephant That goes without saying.