A Story of Love, Misery and Asperger's [also known as 'Too many characters for a question']

I met this girl around two years ago - we were set up by a mutual friend, but things ended soon (amicably too) - and we stayed acquaintances. I still had some feelings for her, but nothing too serious.


A few months later a close friend of hers died of cancer and she came to me of all people in her life for consolation. We stayed in much closer contact after this - but despite not living far from each other we never met up. We became very close friends, being able to talk on all levels (emotional, sexual etc.) and even some casual flirting. My feelings for her grew exponentially until I realised I might be in love.


During the summer, she visited Australia (we live in the UK) and I even displaced my sleeping schedule by a few hours just to talk with her more whilst she was away.


I thought some of my feelings would be reciprocated judging by the casual feelings and even some fairly sexy (though not explicit) photos of herself; like in a swimsuit, just coming out the shower, in her new revealing dress that she 'just wanted to show off'. I also often said how pretty she was, and she would I was cute and kind for lying to her to make her feel better (although I wasn't; she is a stunner).


I had high hopes - but as a shy and awkward fuck I never asked how she felt about me. She constantly joked about wanting to stay single and I was cool with that, just wanted her to be comfortable and happy.


Then she had asked me to start picking her up from her College whenever I finished early. Bear in mind we hadn't seen each other in person for about 10 months, so i was fairly excited.


I took the slightly longer more scenic route between our colleges which took about 30-45 mins, and I often arrived early and would just do some work until she came out.


This continued for a couple months, she sometimes would link arms with me, would rest her head on me when taking the bus back etc. and I thought something was there. She asked me to come to the train station with her when she was heading up north instead of her best friend.


Then, just a few weeks later, I had a small mental breakdown (which is not too uncommon for me as I suffer from both extreme anxiety and Asperger's) and I just spouted a lot of shit about being sorry for being who I am and a lot more cringe-worthy shit.

A Story of Love, Misery and Asperger's [also known as 'Too many characters for a question']

We became fairly distant after that - much like after we 'broke up' when we went out. Then, on new years day this year I wished her a happy new year and saw in her profile picture she was kissing this dude. I recognised him - I used to go to school with him. I was fucking heartbroken, but didn't mention anything, just that they were cute together and happy that she found someone.


Then, in my attempts to move on, a month and a bit later, I set up plans for valentines day which fell through. She messaged me the day after asking how it was and I told her the story. She was so impossibly nice. She said I great a guy I was - that I was kindand cute and likeable - but the thought passing through my mind was 'why didn't you feel that way about me then?'.


In our conversation, she then came out and admitted she lost her virginity to this guy. This sucker punched me fucking hard. I joked about it with her, and was lighthearted. But as soon as the conversation stopped, I just fucking died. I didn't know what to do. I didn't end up doing anything for the rest of the day, just trying to get some consolation from some of my close friends. And still, a month later, it hurts nearly as bad as it did then and I have no idea what to do, or how to move on from this.

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  • Fellow aspie here. Yeah, that sucks, I've been there. I ran into an old friend about not long ago. When the topic of why we lost touch came up, she confessed she "practically threw [her]self" at me, but I never gave any indication I was interested, so she had to distance herself. The thing was, I had been interested in her, just didn't know how to show it, and never once thought she was interested too. This can be a common problem for us. We don't show emotions the same way allistics do. This leads to a lot of confusion for people on both sides.
    An epiphany moment I had once was when I was talking to a female friend about flirting... What is it? How do I recognize when someone is flirting with me? She told and showed me some examples, even flirting with me a bit to see what I was picking up on and what I was missing. Well, that was pretty hopeless, but I've since gotten a lot better at recognizing it through lots of study and practice. But when she was telling me how guys flirt and how she can tell a guy is interested, I said, "Wait. That's basically no different from sexual harassment."
    "The difference is how you go about it," she said. "Creepy and not taking no for an answer, that's sexual harassment. Half joking, and then letting it go if she doesn't respond, that's flirting." I had not been flirting with women because I saw flirting behavior as sexual harassment, or being an a**hole.
    Prior to that, I had never really flirted with or pursued women. I was in a band, I was a boxer, I had a successful business at just 19... women pursued me. As I got older, this stopped happening so much, and I had to take a more active role. Which I didn't know how to do. Which I am still learning how to do.
    So the thing is, did you ever make your intentions known? Not like sit her down and pour out your guts, but... did you tell her she looked 'cute' or 'adorable' in these pictures she was sending you, or did you tell her she looked sexy? If a girl sends you a picture of herself in a swimsuit or a nice dress, she wants to be told she's hot. If she sends you a picture of herself 'just coming out the shower', she wants you to offer to dry her off. If she rests her head on your shoulder, she wants you to put your arm around her.
    Reading your story, it sounds like- harsh truth alert- she was giving you every indication she was into you, and you didn't reciprocate.
    what you're going through sucks. Learn from it so it doesn't happen again.

    • Okay, I see a lot of unfortunate parallels between us :P But I had actually been telling her that she's cute and adorable, when she sent me pictures of her new dress or swimsuit I said she was sexy - and we definitely did flirt a lot. But (and I admit I slightly omitted this from the story) I had asked her out before a while after we first got back in touch and she put me down. Plus, whether she would reciprocate the flirting was fairly intermittent. I would call her a gorgeous woman, and she would say that I was cute when I lied, and then I could say virtually the same thing the next day and I would just get Hahaha in reply. These very mixed feelings (plus when she'd point out how hot other guys she knew were, or when she said she was fine with being single) just lent to me never asking her out this time.

  • Well certainly none of us who feel like we might be in love with a woman want to see her hook up with another guy. So yes it is difficult. I say give it time. Find other things to do. Pursue some interests that occupy your mind. Hang out with friends and make new friends also. // Since you mention that you have anxiety issues, is there a doctor or a therapist who you see? Might be worth it if you have trouble moving on.

    • Currently I'm on anti-anxiety medication as all attempts at therapy have otherwise been fruitless (CBT, psychotherapy, hyonotherapy etc.) I think what is likely the best chance for me is that I'm moving to a different city in a few months, but that feels like a solution akin to bottling up feelings and discarding them - which I usually attempt to avoid.

    • Well it might be doing you more good than you think actually. I would say continue pursuing this with a professional as you have been. What anxiety medication are you on?

    • I'm currently on 10mg of Fluoxetine, and whilst it has reduced the frequency and intensity of panic attacks or similar episodes, they general anxiety and guttedness I feel is ever persistent. I appreciate your responses greatly, thank you for your input :)

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  • the feelings go away. just dont block the bad feelings or they stay in you. and next time if you love a girl dont tryhard to get friendzoned. by the way maybe think about never meeting her again. if you want to stay friends (only friends!) do what you want. but then the feelings stay way longer.