A Tale of Firsts – No Girl on Girl Action, But Lots of Alcohol

It was late one evening in the back woods of Bracebridge Muskoka, a quiet little cabin town that sat at the heart of Ontario Canada. Known for its graphite hills, stunning scenery, and bitter cold winters, it was practically the picture-perfect image for a sultry dream. This night was no different than the rest; December had struck and the snow showed no sign of relenting, leaving me to half wonder to myself if there’d be any way for us to get home when the evening closed. I was barely eighteen, naïve and curious, and I was on my way to the typical Christmas Eve party with my family. I barely wanted to go, in truth … I went only with the promise of delicious food, cute puppies and children. I mean, what more could an awkward introvert desire, right?

Once we arrived, it was clear that I was the only teenager present, and I quickly took to my usual spot in the furthest corner close to the snack table, idly watching the women play black jack while the men drank and hollered about this and that. I figured it would be like any other party I had ever attended: I would go unnoticed, just a shadow to the light of all of the twinkling, smiling faces that demanded attention from all of those who walked in and out of the room. Just an afterthought hardly worth a double take, I was an inexperienced, bashful girl far too timid to approach a single soul casually … let alone … intimately.


But then … she approached….

Curvacious, blonde, aged like the finest white wine with a “come hither” grin – she set me in her laser sights and began approaching me with volition that was stronger than the scent of her 80’s inspired perfume. There I was, cornered, with this glorious, elder woman hovering over me, her natural intuition picking up on my shy nature and clear inexperience. She took me under her wing, promising me that everything would be okay and to simply relax and enjoy myself, and I could hardly fathom the delight I felt when that slippery, sticky delight slid down my throat. Before I knew it … I was lost in a haze of weightless pleasure, and a fire awoke in me that I didn’t know was there as I….

A Tale of Firsts – A Truly Sticky & Clueless Situation

…. Had my first jell-o shooter with a married woman with two children. A jell-o shooter that I didn’t realize was a jell-o shooter until it was FAR TOO LATE. Yes, that’s right: this is the first time I ACCIDENTALLY got shit faced drunk!

What? What were you expecting? My "first lesbian experience"? You sick perverts!!

Oh but if you have the time please feel free to check out my other two mytakes a PSA about P*ssy and a PSA about P*nis!!! ;D


Bahahahahahahaha, trololol. In all seriousness G@Gers let me just say that RJGraveyTrain does NOT condone under aged drinking. For those of you who are of age, please drink responsibly and never consider driving while under the influence. <3

A Tale of Firsts – No Girl on Girl Action, But Lots of Alcohol

Okay so the story truthfully goes like this: I was nothing more than a super awkward, super weird teen who found herself tagging along to her plumber-father’s company Christmas Eve party, and I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t really want to go. I literally went because my dad told me that there was two types of cheese balls, salami and other delicious stuff and at the time all of my friend’s where out drinking or at their own family’s homes.

Believe it or not, I used to be straight-edge and I NEVER drank, EVER. But my dad’s boss had some cute fucking dogs that I loved and there were toddlers everywhere and my mommy complex demanded me to snuggle and love all of them. So, being the lifeless teen girl that I was, I went along with it.


I had no idea how to socialize back then, so I spent most of my time nibbling on snacks and watching the women play black jack – a game I have NO IDEA how to play. I only sat down to watch after my father irritatingly shooed me away, because I was so uncomfortable that I was practically clinging to him the entire time. The puppies and children I had originally come to see had long since went to bed, so I was left on my own, having no clue how to interact outside of the fun-loving individuals that were young, small humans and the fuzzy, four-legged variety of mammals.

Subsequently, it became clear to a very lovely, very kind hearted woman there who was familiar with my father that I was so uncomfortable that she decided to take it upon herself to bring me a jell-o shooter. Now, I was so naive that I did not know that you could actually put alcohol in jell-o, so when she brought me a few red and green little jell-os in cups with whipped cream, I thought they were DESSERTS. So, about … 20 later, I was no longer a shy and awkward teen….

A Tale of Firsts – No Girl on Girl Action, But Lots of Alcohol

My dad was impressed with me as I was chattering with everybody who would get near me, all the while taking more hits of this magical gelatin-y goodness to the point where I suddenly couldn’t stand straight. Me, still being naïve, thought that I was dehydrated. Yes, DEHYDRATED, which made walking super difficult and being coherent even more difficult. I managed to get to the bathroom and drink out of the sink (as I wasn’t clever enough to just ask for water) and by the time I came out, my step mother was standing there, waiting for me.

A Tale of Firsts – No Girl on Girl Action, But Lots of Alcohol

Firm hands took my shoulders and began carting me out of the party as I rambled about what I learned in philosophy class, something regarding reincarnation and the meaning of life I believe – you know, metaphysical crap. Politely, my step mom agreed with me, and diverted my attention with an Avon magazine as she sat me down on the couch nearest to the front door. From there, we had a 20 minute discussion about lotion, and she made a careful point to turn away that tempting tray of jell-o shooters that periodically circulated around the party.

I wasn’t exactly pleased, but with the distraction of a dated Avon magazine, the images of necklaces, skin care and lotions kept me too fixated to worry about it too deeply. Then, before I knew it, powerful snow pellets were pegging me in the forehead, waking me up to the fact that my step mother had previously jammed my feet into a worn pair of winter boots before wiggling me into a coat like a little child. We trudged through about 3 feet of snow and I was gently put into the back of a cab that began plowing through the thicket of snow and into the woods.

A Tale of Firsts – No Girl on Girl Action, But Lots of Alcohol

Once I was forced into still silence, my drunk brain began running wilder than a blonde teen girl promised a spot on the next edition of: “This isn’t America’s got talent but it’s close enough to air you on TV and secure you a future career in the pay-per-view soft-core porn industry.” Suddenly, all of the crime shows I binged watched in my copious amounts of spare time convinced me that the driver was up to no good. I was sure at that point that he was probably taking us deeper into the brush, or off onto a remote trail where he would rape, murder and decapitate us because his mother made fun of him for pissing the bed until he was 16. You know, typical serial killer motives.

This over-imaginative state caused me to look around the back of the cab while my step mother made small talk with the driver, all but ignoring me as I frantically let my head rock and bob in every direction as I inspected the vehicle. There, the evidence to my theory was suddenly proved as I saw a small golden glint on the floor of the cab. I picked it up, realizing quickly that it was an earring. Terror took me as I “put all of the pieces together", and before I could even completely fabricate a thesis in my head, my step mother had thrown the side door open and began shuffling me out into the cold once again and towards my father’s home. Leaving behind the “shady” cab driver, my expression of concern was clear, for when my step mother got me inside, she looked at me curiously and asked me what was wrong.

Dramatically, I thrust the forgotten gold earring in her face and shouted:



“That cab driver COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE! AND THIS MIGHT BE THE ONLY EVIDENCE!!!”

She looked at me with utter pity, shaking her head as she sat me down again and plopped something in my lap. Not even bothering to entertain my serial-killer theory, she simply chuckled it off and plopped something into my lap, but not before saying:


They really shouldn’t have made those jell-o shooters so strong. Vodka and dessert is just too tempting. Just take those and let the buzz wear off, okay?”

My mind was wiped from the thought of murder once I looked down to my lap, and a warm feeling erupted in my chest once again. There, two little Christmas-themed lotions sat, from none other than the Avon magazine that had kept me from making an ass from myself at the Christmas Eve party we had fled from. No longer worried that mine or anybody else’s life was in danger, I accepted the gift and said a simple Merry Christmas to my step mother, who later made me some mac n’ cheese and sent me off to bed, though not before we watched another episode of The First 48.

The moral of the story? Always know what you're consuming, and if something suddenly makes you believe that your every day cab driver might be a murderer collecting earrings as trophies, make sure you're not drunk before making any accusations.

The night after, I was invited to about two more parties that were coming up for the company in the following months because I was quote: “The light of the party.”

A Tale of Firsts – No Girl on Girl Action, But Lots of Alcohol

And that, G@Gers, is the first time I got shit faced drunk … accidentally, and as a teen. Sorry for misleading you but you know I love my humor and I love making everything light hearted. As you can guess, this is for the #GagWritingContest and I would appreciate any feedback you want to give. I hope you enjoyed this silly story because I know I did. I look forward to your feedback and hope you have a good weekend. Peace!

2 8

Most Helpful Guy

  • Haha! you're cute 😊

    How is this underaged drinking though if you lived in Canada where you can drink legally at 18 ?
    Can't wait to read about your first lesbian experience lol

    • Thank you for calling me cute but the legal age here is 19, not 18.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Lol girly!
    You couldn't smell the alky?

    • No, I couldn't. Lol.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

3 9
  • Good writing good job!!

    • Thank you <3

    • Aw, you're welcome hon :) You might enjoy and benefit from wattpad if you like writing stories. I think you have a disposition for good writing.

    • Oh cool, thanks for the suggestion.

  • :D That story was funny as hell. Awesome take. ^^

    • Thank you miss Kitteh.

  • I saw you at the club last Thursday grinding on a girl's lap RJ. Stop fronting.

    • I've never been to a club actually.

    • Well congratulations you have an twin sister.

    • Lol apparently?

  • best take ever.

    media4.giphy.com/media/Ti3i7TumKRkdi/giphy.gif

    gag can shut down now, no point posting anything else.

  • Wow, what a cool story ;)

  • Good read, thank you.

  • It is still SEXY...

  • Sweet. Story. A delight to read

  • Thank you for making my resolution to never drink anything stronger than Coca-Cola even stronger.

    • You're welcome.

    • Out of pure curiosity, did you ever drink again?

    • Yep.

    • Show All
  • You must have switched to regular jello because you obviously weren't drunk when you wrote this. lol
    That was a great story. I love your writing style and your sense of humor. Good luck in the contest!

    • Thank you <3

  • I found this highly entertaining. Nicely written.

  • Life for sex.