Am I toxic for reacting if my boyfriend watches porn?

[Anonymous]

We're in a serious relationship for 10 months. I'm a skinny girl with not so attractive body (if we consider mainstream media's definition of 'attractive') and it sometimes makes me insecure. People also tell me that I'm not fit for my boyfriend, he deserves a pretty woman. My boyfriend is fully aware of this fact. However, he told me today that he watches porn when I'm unavailable (sick or having my periods). This is giving me insecurities. I feel like he's doing it because he wants to fulfil his fantasy of having a super attractive partner with prominent curves. He also at times says that he has always felt like extremely beautiful women that are on demand are not for him (since he feels himself to be unattractive) and has, thus always wanted an ugly girlfriend like me.

On the other hand I want to be respected, not only desired. I want him to consider me as a human being with talents, intelligence, dignity and quality. I've had academic excellence, I can paint and write, speak 4+ languages, do coding- but I am not a super attractive woman. The fact that he can easily lean to other women (whether virtual or off screen) makes me feel like I'm just another aid for him to enjoy sex. Probably I have too high standards, high for an unattractive woman. But I still think if you're in a serious, monogamous relationship, there's no reason you need to imagine other people in bed.

Am I overreacting?

[ohsheeT]

Okay you're overreacting so stop right there for a minute

All the people that talk bad about your boyfriend and you next time somebody says something say guess who he's with is none of their business anyway

And you just remember that who is he with

That was a straight up answer that he gave you and that's what it's all about right there he's horny he wants to get off you're not around so he's going to do the quickest thing possible and that's watch porn he wants to cum that's it

When he's looking at this girls he's looking at you everything those girls are doing he's watching them as if you are they
And either the guy is either him or the other guy I don't know LOL

He does it because it's convenient it's fast and he wants to get off

But everything he told you is the truth

And if your boyfriend wanted somebody else believe me he would go find them so quit imagining things quit putting things in your head quit listening to people that are unhappy anyway probably so they have to put you down and your boyfriend down it's none of their business you need to snap out of it you didn't to make sure that you look good every single day and that you're happy that's the most important

You have to believe in him 100% until he gives you a reason not to believe in him because if you start imagining things it's going to change the whole destiny of your relationship one little move like that of accusing him or you feeling that way you're not going to be your 100% and that's what you always need to be so you need to believe in him until he gives you one reason not to believe in him and porn is not that reason

I mean I do understand the way you're looking at it is he's looking at other girls masturbating you don't know if he's thinking of them or you or what he's thinking so I get that too
That is not to the level you think it is I mean he's fantasizing about you I guarantee it. And if you're not sure , ask him

And no matter what you should really work on your confidence and your belief in yourself because with those people giving you crap about yourself that's making you doubt everything else including yourself don't do that don't listen become yourself it's your choice not theirs you get to choose who you want to be in life by the things you say and do not what others say and do they're unhappy they want to try to make you unhappy walk away from them

[Anonymous]

Guys don't watch porn just for the women, they watch because they have needs at that time and want to take care of them.
You can tell him you don't want him watching porn anymore if you agree to replace porn with yourself in all of those cases and satisfy his needs in person.
Would that work?

[Screenwriter]

If the only time this guy is watching porn is when you're ill or having your period, I think this is rather harmless.

But the trouble I see is your statement: He also at times SAYS.. he has always felt.. extremely beautiful women... are not for him (since he feels... unattractive) and has... always wanted an ugly girlfriend like me.

Has he actually called you UGLY? This is awful. What's wrong with him? You sound like you have beautiful qualities, and no matter what the MIRROR says when you compare yourself to models or movie stars, you deserve kindness and respect for those qualities.

I think this guy has problems, and his porn viewing, though not obsessive, might be fulfilling his "beauty" issues since he doesn't feel he's attractive or could get the beautiful women he fantasizes about. SO, he's settled for unattractive you since he believes he can't do any better.

I think YOU can do better and you should move on from this guy. Sometimes it takes time for a relationship to run its course and I think you've hit the wall with this guy.

His porn viewing is tied to a deeper low self esteem issue, as is his choosing you. Unless this guy is complimenting you about your wonderful qualities and saying you look beautiful in that outfit, or you're sexy or you have lovely eyes and hair...

Attractive is the sum total of a person. Not just a pretty face. Of COURSE you're attractive. If he doesn't think so, and say so, don't let the door hit you on the ass as you leave this highly flawed relationship.

[Paulalove98]

I wouldn’t get too worked up over porn…I know it can be unhealthy. I almost was gonna be involved with a guy who had a porn addiction before I met my fiancé, BUT not all guys are so caught up with porn and think that too much into it. From what I’ve heard and believe is that porn is usually just for temporary release and pleasure when a guy isn’t with his girlfriend or wife, or some guys maybe it’s to get ideas for us women. Who knows? But it doesn’t bother me like it used to when I was younger. I don’t really care how the girls look because we’re all different and unique and I try to remember my fiancé is with me for a reason. Now if the guy is interacting with girls through video, text, phone call etc that’s definitely cheating and a red flag! I would just tell him your emotions though if it is bothering you and if he can give you a little more attention or maybe even look at it together sometime?

[YesterdaysChild]

Time to pull up stakes and move on to someone who meets your criteria of what you want in a mate. Do you think you have settled just to have someone?

[HelpfulWoman]

easily over reacting. Unless your boyfriend is mentally challenged, he's just using it to wank to. It's not a serious reflection into what he wants in a woman.

[ProbablyClueless]

I think you're totally overreacting. The guy wouldn't be with you, if he didn't find you attractive.

[Brady]

If u don't want him 2 watch porn, tell him. You're not over reactin.

[In_Trance]

Yeah

[Asker]

Well, you've got this one wrong. I've never watched porn myself, otherwise I'd not accuse him. That would be hypocrisy. I don't use tinder or Snapchat, I've an Instagram account dedicated to artworks. Watching random men's dick isn't my passion. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear there.

[Gigisu]

You're probably overreacting, watching porn is not always to escape reality. Addicts maybe, but your average Joe will watch it when they need it, and that's it. I wouldn't worry so much about that issue, as I would about him calling you ugly, that's the bigger red flag here.

It's okay to feel insecure, I believe everyone has been there. But don't let that insecurity make you feel lesser than you are! If it gets unbearable, have a healthy conversation, reaffirm your affection.

[Anonymous]

Oh for fuck sake. He is with you isn't he? He is still choosing to be with you despite the shit people have said. So what if he watches porn. It's you he chose to be in a relationship with, so why the F are you are you overreacting for?

Women today have become so damn pathetic crying over their man watching porn. Get over it. It's not like he is out there fucking an actual person, which he probably could be doing.

[Asker]

Well sorry, but you're a bit insulting. I am overreacting, I know. I don't know about today's women. It's my first relationship and I'm quite idealistic a person. I've never watched porn nor do I like the way it presents relationships or women. He himself has told me that before being in the relationship he used to watch it and quitted after being in as it made him guilty. So when he revealed that it was lie, that hurt me. And no I don't see the reason why would he probably be having sex with another person. If that happens, we are breaking up then and there.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. I would dump his pathetic ass.