Are you a homewrecker if you didn't know the guy was married?

[Anonymous]

so a couple of years ago I was going to this community college and I had a professor that I really liked. he was really nice and we talked a lot. then he started acting kind of weird and e-mailing me for no reason and asking me questions. I went to his office at the end of the semester to talk about my reading log and he said that we should have sex and I went along with it because I looked up to him and I thought it would be fun. We had sex and when I told my friend about it later she said that this professor was married. ever since then I have felt extremly bad about it and guilty for making him cheat on his wife. i have thought about contacting her and telling her what happened but i don't know if that will help or make it worse. i feel like such a slut and i don't know what to do

[Peter0]

Honey, you didn't "make" him cheat on his wife - that was aaaaall his doing. Well, almost all his doing - but the fault for cheating is fully his.

Now, YOU shouldn't have been sleeping with your professor. It's not ethical to have that sort of relationship with a prof - how are they supposed to be fair grading you, etc? If you had waited until after the grades were done... sorry, if HE had waited until after the grades were done, I'd say the only thing wrong you did was use bad judgement in looking up to a guy who was apparently okay with cheating on his wife.

Now, I say you shouldn't have said yes before the end of the semester, but he REALLY shouldn't have asked. He's in a position of power (what if your grade takes a hit if you say 'no'?), he's got more experience in life, there's a power imbalance there that he shouldn't be using when he has authority over you (you looked up to him... could he use that in an immoral way? I'd say he did), and he has no business sleeping with his students. Serious ethics violation. He could have waited too. He'd still be an asshole towards his wife.

Me, I would probably tell wife (just the way I swing), but the other guy who said you should tell the school is spot on. YOU might have been okay saying 'yes' but someone else might have been pressured into it.

Give over feeling guilty - this guy used you. You got some fun out of it, but he... he just used you ><

[Asker]

that's true, I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone else. but what if he loses his job? I don't want that to happen either.

[Peter0]

Well, weigh his potentially losing his job vs his potentially raping students. (did I mention that whole power imbalance thing? He does this unethical thing, cheats on his wife, and YOU feel terrible, and at the same time want to protect him. Because you looked up to him?) He's kind of already shown he shouldn't be trusted with students, not when he cheated on his wife to have sex with a student - and couldn't even wait until she wasn't his student. You said you looked up to him, so there are some positive parts to his personality, but he's not safe, and he did something that was very wrong - at least once. Possibly more than once. Possibly worse. TBH, I doubt he'd lose his job. He sure as hell wouldn't do it again, tho, if he has to answer to the university.

[AustinMan]

You own part of the responsibility for not asking but he owns the lion's share for not telling you and abstaining from sex with you. Give yourself a break and learn from the experience. There's no way to know if he miight have lied so just move on. You're not a home wrecker since he's not divorced from what I can see..

[Asker]

so should I tell his wife or not? I found her on Facebook

[AustinMan]

Absolutely not!!! You do NOT want to get tangled up in their marriage. Just chalk it up to experience, keep it to yourself (not just from the wife, from everybody--it's none of their business) and move on. I'm sorry that happened to you but enough damage has been done, don't you agree?

[been_waiting]

It isn't your job to ask people if they're married before hooking up. Its the married person's job. And the majority who want to cheat will lie anyway. You aren't responsible for the fidelity of anyone but yourself

[Gagaqueen]

Don't listen to him. He is a jerk so why shouldn't she tell? he doesn't know what he is on about don't listen to him.

[AustinMan]

Oh my!! I expected a little flame but this is special. What they don't seem to realize is that if his marriage is reasonably stable, some men will still cheat and if they do, their wives will often blame The Other Woman and go after her all guns blazing. You would not be smart to put yourself in the line of fire. You've had enough trauma and drama for awhile, agreed?

[whattothink]

If you have no reason to believe the person is not single then no. If you continue after you find out you are. I learned to do homework on people after I was dating a guy for 6 months and he told me he wasn't really getting divorced and had to break up because his wife was pregnant. I gotta see the papers now if they claim they are divorced.

[becca123]

You are only a homewrecker if you found out and continued the affair. You can't be a homewrecker if you didn't know.

You can't "make" a guy do anything he doesn't want to do. You were innocent, he was wrong on so many levels here I don't have enough characters to type it all out.

Forgive yourself and let yourself move on, okay?

[UrHomie]

I don't see it that you're in the wrong as much as him. U didn't make a grown man to have sex with you. tbh. he told u to do it. But im not sure if you should tell his wife That. You'd be a homewrecker if you continued knowing and told his wife.

[Asker]

that's a good point

[Prettygurl12]

You're not a homewrecker if you genuinely didn't know and didn't continue after you found out. He's a dick.

You technically would be a homewrecker if you told the wife. But I feel like you should. Cheaters don't deserve spouses.

[cowsert101]

i think she wouldn't be a homewrecker. in my book you have to knowingly sleep with a married guy to earn that tittle, not let a married woman her man is a prick

[BlendedAmorosity]

The problem with telling his wife is would she be in denial.. A lot of people trust their significant other's without questioning unless there are concrete facts around. I don't believe she got an email saying lets have sex O. O

[Asker]

but if she denies it at least I tried

[275153]

Your obligation to her ends at telling her what happened. It's up to her if she wants to take any action.

[Asker]

so you think I definitely should at least tell her? @275153

[275153]

I'm saying do the right thing. Your conscience should be the judge of what's the right thing. For me, the right thing is to tell her because I'd want to know. But that's only me and based on my life experiences. As you have seen from the veriety of the responses, there are arguments for and against telling her. Each as strong as the rest. The question is what will YOU be able to live with. Will you be able to live with not telling her knowing that he is likely to do this again and maybe next time contract a disease that he could pass on to his wife? Or will you be able to live with telling her and saving her from him, but in the process putting his marriage in the path of destruction? It's a conundrum for sure. Which one is the right thing depends on your perspective. Having said that, no one can sit in your judgment. I myself have had sex with married women fully knowing they were married. So you have stronger moral fiber than at least me in the group of people here.

[parkway]

Call a slut a slut and a home wrecker a home wrecker but you are not either.

Your professor crossed the line and did a very good skate job on the legal. You said that you did not know he was married and in many cases you should have known but he used his authority to manipulate you in an odd way. You did not make him cheat if you did not go after him. He committed adultery and pulled you into the situation.

Telling his wife will do no good. A lot of coeds chase after professors for a good grade in college, but going to the dean of students will have an effect. If you file a complaint, the school will try and quash it but get a case or file number. Sex with coeds is almost part of the benefit package offered to professors.

[Asker]

the benefit package? you mean it's not unusual?

[cowsert101]

it's his fault. you thought he was a single guy and were having fun with that. no harm no foul involved. but he knew he was cheating. i think you should explain it to her because she has a right to know he's a sleezball and in all likelihood is still cheating on her

[Thewhitestdudeever]

At least you didn't do it on purpose. That's his fault

[staciebee]

I think if you confront anyone about it, it should be him. You had a right to know.

[Asker]

he can be very intimidating, i would be afraid to

[DodgersGM]

Forget telling his wife, I think you should tell the school. Like, immediately. It's probably not his first rodeo, and if he's willing to be so blatant with you then I can only imagine some of the other stuff he's pulled with female students.

[kangy]

I agreed

[Asker]

is it illegal though? i'm over 18.

[DodgersGM]

Thanks @kangy Illegal? I don't THINK so, no. Assuming 100% consent and he didn't use his position to coerce you into sex, then I don't think any laws were broken. That said, it's against the schools bylaws BIG TIME. And I don't want to go down a slippery slope, but he may very well have taken advantage of other girls, ones that may have not felt like they could say "no."

[Asker]

oh, i had no idea there were school rules against it. now I feel even worse :( i have a hard time blaming him because it wasn't like he forced me to have sex with him. it didn't have anything to do with my grade or anything. i just liked him. he was funny and smart and he made me feel sexy. i had never even had a boyfriend at that point. and when he said we should have sex i actually wanted to.

[DodgersGM]

Were you still his student? Or were you in a program that he was a teacher in? Don't feel badly, I feel like he should have known better. He was holding the cards, after all. HE knew that he was married, not you; HE knew that it was against the rules (or at the VERY least highly frowned upon and incredibly unprofessional), not you.

[ShutUpAndLetMeGo]

No. Granted, you shouldn't have randomly hooked up, but clearly if you had known he was married you wouldn't have done anything. The guilt lies with the professor.

[rjroy3]

Ignorance to the law is not a defense.
I know this isn't legal lol, but you're still the homewrecker. Just an unwitting homewrecker.
Girl hit on me one night, we had sex and not 10 minutes after her boyfriend called. She tool the call with me in her bed... that's how I found out she had a guy. It's her fault it all happened, but I'm still technically the homewrecker

[275153]

You did nothing wrong. He's the asshole here. Why would you feel guilty about his misbehavior?

Telling his wife is entirely a personal decision. Id do it because I'd want to know if I were her. It's up to you.

[Asker]

I know I would want to know if I were her. I just don't know what to say to her?

[275153]

You tell her what happened. exactly as you said it here. Tell her you feel bad about it. That you felt honorbound to do the right thing. Since you'd want to know, you figure the right thing was to tell her. Make sure she knows that you don't want him and that you had no intention of wrecking their home. But honestly, that home was ready to be wrecked and he himself is the wrecking ball. You have done nothing wrong sweetie. You sound like an honorable person with lots of integrity.

[Asker]

if i were an honorable person I wouldn't have slept with him without at least asking if he were married. but thank you. I think I'll give that a try

[Gagaqueen]

Do this!!

[Gagaqueen]

I can't believe how many people are telling you to not tell his wife. You need to tell her AND the school immediately. She needs to know this.

[kangy]

Half half
I feel u shld ask about his status and not assume he is single. Nowadays there are too many married men or guys with gfs looking for fun.
his mistake for being unfaithful and also upfront of his status

[J1nnishere]

no such thing. the married would be at fault completely. there are unwise people out there. the person whos in the relationship has an obligation to protect and defend the relatinoship. when a person is one with a person, they shouldn't continue leading the other on throhg flattery and excitement. thats emotional cheating before the physical.

[NZDSTR]

Tell the wife she needs to know

[Anonymous]

It's HIS responsibility.

[Anonymous]

No, he is just an asshole.

[Anonymous]

You're not a home wrecker unless there were obvious signs that you chose to ignore (wedding ring, he booked a hotel to have sex at, etc)

I think its usually assumed that if you start having sex with someone they aren't married.

[Asker]

But he was in his late 40's at least, now that I look back on it I don't know why I didn't wonder if he was married

[Opinion Owner]

I actually know a lot of people in their 40's who aren't married. Divorce, Separation, Wife Died, Never got married. Its strange but not THAT strange

[275153]

I'm in my late 40s and in divorced.

[Anonymous]

Lucky you. I really want to bang my professor right now. She's single.

[Asker]

I don't feel very lucky

[Opinion Owner]

Awwh ):

[Anonymous]

Ignorance is not a defense!

[Asker]

so what should I do?

[Opinion Owner]

You do not tell his wife or involve yourself with him further as a person. If you feel compelled to take action against him you tell the Dean first before intervening with his wife for your own safety. Odds are he has done this before so it's not just you and it will not end at you.

[275153]

The axiom is "ignorance of the law is no defense." No law was broken here. Further, the axiom has a corollary, stating that "while ignorance of the law is no defense, ignorance of the facts or mistake of facts is a defense." under almost any system of justice, an element of mens rea (mental component such as intent) is required for a guilty finding. There is no intent here to do any harm. She was bamboozled here just like the wife. To put the blame on her is to punish her for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Events and actions over which she had little control!

[Opinion Owner]

Student / teacher relations actually breaks a distinct code of ethics. Not that I was referring to any laws to begin with but she was his student since you bothered to bring it up.

[275153]

Ok! Then how do you separate a person who knowingly sleeps with a married man and one who unknowingly does so? Where is the mental element of culpability?

[Opinion Owner]

Oh shut up.