As a Christian man I’m really torn between sex after marriage and sex before marriage? Whether I have casual sex or only in a committed relationship?

[WhiteBoyChill]

So like the whole “try before you buy” argument.

I think its kinda stupid because chances are if two virgins have sex they are both going to suck at it.

So what do you do? Get better obviously.

I mean there’s plenty of solutions.

But besides that where’s the benefit to waiting until after marriage?

Like if it’s something I’m going to enjoy why not do it sooner?

Is it really that harmful to anyone?

Whether I decide I want it with some random girl or only with one I’ve been dating? Am I really doing myself a disservice?

Like I just can’t understand scripture.

I know what the Bible says but I feel as though I’m starting to grow spiritually tired of just blindly trusting it because I feel as though I’m missing out.

Its like I want to just say “f*ck it” and feel a huge burden lift off my shoulders but at the same time I’m called to sacrifice for reasons I can’t understand and see no benefit towards abiding by.

[Aerissa_Jade]

There is advantages and disadvantages to both.

Giving your virginity to your spouse, especially if your both virgins bonds you like no other. This is why so many people who get married young and are each others first, stay married for 50+ years.

Those who have sex before, don't bond as much when they get married emotionally.

The try before you buy is kind of a joke, unless you think of them as a car. Think of them as a house, no one tries a house to see if they want to buy it.

That could actually make it harder to get married, as the more sex you have and the more partners, your potential dating pool shrinks. If you start having lots of sex with lots of people, then those who think your number is too high or want a virgin will eliminate you as a option. Think of like this, if you are a virgin or say 5 partners, would you want to marry someone with 50+ partners or would you say, hell no.

I really depends on your life goals though, if you want marriage and a family with kids, better to wait until marriage. If you want to be a life long bachelor and just have fun, then by all means go for it.

[2Wheels]

Saving yourself is the best gift you can give to whoever you marry. That is without a doubt.
I understand the whole "missing out or feeling foolish even" feeling. I've been there.

All I can suggest is, make sure whatever you decide that you'll be completely okay with your decision. Don't let peer pressure sway you from what you feel is right.

[WhiteBoyChill]

Thank you Maa’m ❤️

[2Wheels]

You're welcome. 🙂

[HighlyVolatile]

We don't really have this type of culture in Japan to abstain before marriage but I do think it's at least a good idea not to rush sex. Otherwise, you can grow attached to each other sexually but find you're with a very intolerable person.

I think the ideal way is to work from conversations, then affectionate things like holding hands, hugging, kissing, then finally sex.

One thing and I don't mean to challenge any religious beliefs but I suspect some of this tradition for saving sex until marriage in history came from the absence of reliable birth control at the time. It makes even practical sense, in that case, to get married first and have the couple bonded for life since sex before could very well result in a child. It would be bad for the child and whoever is left with it if the partners weren't bonded for life in front of their communities and families.

[HighlyVolatile]

In Japan, while we don't have this abstinence before marriage tradition, we do have a strong tradition of only raising children after marriage with a major focus on the nuclear family and communities. Probably if we didn't have reliable birth control, we would also favor abstinence before marriage, or at least shotgun marriages if not. Raising children out of wedlock can be really looked down upon here.

[Jamie05rhs]

@HighlyVolatile So did your culture change after WWII? Did we corrupt you guys? (If so, sorry!! 😬 )

[HighlyVolatile]

@Jamie05rhs Actually I think we might have become a bit more conservative after in some way, less in others. Before WW2 it was still common to have arranged marriages, and there was actually a lot of prostitution at the time. I think that shocked some of the troops stationed here that helped to rebuild Japan so we have an odd mixture of very conservative and very liberal laws. But I think that the fundamental view that marriage is about family -- family values -- has remained intact the whole time.

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh! Okay. Very interesting.

[HighlyVolatile]

I really believe strongly in family values. I think when they corrode, so too do communities, and eventually what bonds and holds the entire society together. So I am very much with Christian conservatives on that friend. The abstinence before marriage idea is a bit strange to me but I think it might actually be a very good idea for society. It's just very unfamiliar to me.

[HighlyVolatile]

@Jamie05rhs Also not sure I should say "we" so much since I'm only half-Japanese, and only spent my childhood and adult years here and missed my teenage years and most of my Japanese schooling. I tend to have a habit of doing that to simplify the conversations. :-D Also someone called me a weeaboo once on here when I used "they" instead of "we" perhaps not realizing I am from Japan originally, so maybe that's where I developed this habit.

[Jamie05rhs]

@HighlyVolatile No problem! I understand. :) I do the same things sometimes with the "we" and "they" when referring to rednecks. Haha

[DaveJord]

So the whole wait before marriage thing is a religious convention, that arguably most people since the beginning of time have not every really adhered to. The idea of waiting for marriage is honestly a very unnatural thing... given the millennia of humans that came before the advent of religion. I would say do what you think is right... and if you are bared from Heaven just because you had premarital sex then God is not all merciful and heaven as religion preaches is not what it is trumped up to be.

Morally speaking as long as you follow your heart and do right by people in general... then I don't see how you can be punished for it. And if you are then Heaven is not a place I belong anyway.

[Carolus]

You want to confess my son? Please do..


Unless it’s guaranteed you will meet a virgin, fuck it, nothing can go wrong between two “dedicated faithfuls” who are virgins since they known nothing better and probably seek no better, otherwise why wait then meet a woman with thousands of mileage? You be inexperienced, You will never be good enough for her dude. It all depends with what you want and you simply asking this because you ain’t that staunch christian, have been thirsting and want to taste the cookie, go for it bruh, get fucking laid, get that choir girl dude, life ain’t no fucking rehearsal.

[RobT312]

My friends thought I was late having sex, they couldn’t believe I was a virgin. I shared some of your thoughts thinking I’d just wait till I got married.
by 20, I didn’t want to wait anymore and had sex with a girlfriend I loved, thinking maybe She’s someone I’ll marry.
well that didn’t happen, but I’m really glad I had sex with her. While I respect religion, glad I didn’t let it dictate my sex life

[WhiteBoyChill]

“thinking I’d just wait till I got married.” Yeah I mean ideally that’s how I’d want it to work out but I’m starting to get impatient and feel as though that is way too idealistic

[RobT312]

👍👍 I hear ya, and I agree. I couldn’t wait either.

[Seinna]

If you're a Christian then you follow Christ's teaching and that's that. It's like being torn between sinning and not sinning, you know which one is right and which one is wrong.

[slatyb]

Stop torturing yourself. Many Christian denominations have no problem with sex outside marriage. Most Christians do have sex before marriage. Of course you could also decide that Christianity isn’t working for you, or no longer makes sense, as many others have done.

[SlothySlob]

I think you know the contents of the bible, but don't understand the contents of the bible. Trust me, I'm no better. What I'm seeing here is a believer who's letting lust, envy, maybe heresy straying your from the path.

Now for being real. Personally, I don't see others as having a higher body count than me as missing out. The whole argument that you need to have sex with other people to become better kind of falls apart when you can have sex multiple times with the same partner and in that sense you become better at it too. Unlike in the past, we now have the internet, any information on demand. Finding new ways to have sex and how-to's are easy to find.

When it comes to your religion, your interpretation of it, it's ultimately up to you how you'll follow said rules.

[Jamie05rhs]

"Like if it’s something I’m going to enjoy why not do it sooner?"



Sex isn't about your personal enjoyment. It's about the experience of bonding as a couple. And that experience should be reserved for the person that you are going to live the rest of your life with.

[jahaims]

Just because you are both bad at sex doesn't mean you are compatible.

[Twalli]

You won't know that your first time was bad until you get better. In other words, you don't have a reference point. I can't rank my relationship with my girlfriend, since it's the only one I have had. Likewise your first time having sex is simultaneously the best and worst sex you've had at that point.

[driven159]

if you both suck at it learn you both can learn and explore

[Anonymous]

A real Christian would know adultery

[Anonymous]

From someone who has been married, take it from me, you're a long time married to someone you are not sexually compatible with. The only way you are going to know if you are sexually compatible is to have a sex life before marriage. And sexual compatibility isn't about if you are good at it, it's about if your desires and denands match, it's a big deal believe me.