At what point do you start thinking about whether a dating partner would be a compatible sexual partner?

"Sex on the brain!"
"Sex on the brain!"

For most people, the ultmate goal of dating is to find a partner for sex. If you are just looking for casual sex, that is your only goal. If you are looking for a long term relationship, ultimately you most likely want the relationship to include sex. And even if you want to be a virgin on your wedding night, you are looking for the partner who will ultimately take away your v-card.

So, at a certain point, you start thinking about a partner in sexual terms. What would they be like as your sexual partner? Would they be very vanilla, adventurous, dominant, submissive, kinky, want sex every day, etc. Even if you are "saving yourself" for marriage, you are probably thinking about sex with this particular person. WHEN does that happen?

I have never considered a dating partner's appeal as a sexual partner
Vote A
I start considering sex with my partner ONLY after we are married
Vote B
I start considering sex with my partner ONLY after we are engaged to be married
Vote C
I start considering sex with my partner ONLY after we have been dating exclusively for a month or more
Vote D
I start considering sex wth my partner ONLY after we have decded to date exclusively
Vote E
I start considering sex with my partner ONLY once we have started dating
Vote F
I start considering sex with a potential partner even before we have started dating
Vote G
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I start thinking about sex immediately or I wouldn't even date them in the first place. My initial attraction was physical. I learned about their personality by dating.
    But I was interested in engaging in an exclusive, infatuated relationship with a girlfriend, so I didn't date just to hook up.

    Almost all of my relationships became exclusive after the first or second date. That didn't necessarily mean that we had sex right away, though.

    I wasn't waiting to be certain that I wanted to marry them before engaging in sex. Marriage was way down the line. And being in a long term relationship was how I decided if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them. I didn't need any guarantees.

    Actually engaging in sex is the only way to know if you are sexually compatible.

    • Thanks for the MHO. :-)

  • Immediately. Before dating. Sex is sex.

    • I think that is how most guys will respond. I am not as sure about the ladies.

    • You will get a few religious guys saying "It never even crossed my mind until we were about to be or already were married"... or works to that effect. The denial is strong in them.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • This is complicated because it appears you are asking a dual question.

    The heading question asks when do we START to question if a dating partner would be a COMPATIBLE lover in bed

    While the pole question reads differently: as in when do you start considering to have sex with an individual who you have begun to date vs before you have begun to date them.

    These are actually different topics

    First to address the poles question I would say before I date someone I have to find them Sexually appealing... I can't believe I would date somebody if I can't eventually see myself sleeping with them.

    2nd when do I start wondering whether or not we are compatible in bed? ... (Finding someone sexually appealing and being compatible are too different things) ... Probably slowly as I get to know the person and obviously only after the initial attraction towards them has occurred.

    I am slow to warm up. I'll gently tip toe around the subject of sexuality by flirting or bringing up subjects and sexual topics. If the relationship is going along great I might start to boldly ask about certain sexual acts.

    Another thing to consider With me is just because I am discussing sex with the person doesn't mean I am ready to have sex with the person.

    Besides I need to feel comfortable with person... I have to have a strong bond with them as in falling in love if not already in love with them... We clearly had to be dating for a while and obviously going steady, and before any type of sexual activity could occur Id have to have them tested for stds.

    Another thing We may not even make it as far as me falling for the person much less me bothering to ask them for an STD test If discover some trait which I would deam as not sexually compatible such as the person is into actual S&M or bondage etc.

    I'm not a person to wait until after falling in love or to wait until we actually do the act to find out we are not compatible because of some kink or fetish... Yay this sort of thing needs to be discussed sooner than later...

    So somewhere after the initial sexual attraction begins and before falling for the person I will start the investigation to get a sense of whether we are compatible or not.

    If our sexuality seems agreeable the relationship can then blossom into falling for them and having sex.

    I personally feel you should have a good sense of your partners sexuality before you ever even start to have sex... Its my maturer side of me who has discovered this to work best. The younger me had to learn this the hard way... No never a good idea to go to bed with someone who you dont yet fully know where they stand on the sexuality glossary. (Vanilla, s&mer, kinks, role player etc).

  • I've had a lot of sex in my life, and what I have learned, is it's really not that big of a deal. Sure it is fun, and you should find your partner attractive.

    But the women I have been the most attracted too had the best sex with, have been the WORST partners I have ever had through the course of my relationships. It's usually they are just really hot and you are infatuated. Which sure can be nice, but I find it often breeds a specific type of person.

    One that I have found I don't jive with. I was raised in an equal household. Both my parents worked, both did chores, both did what needed to be done around the house. Sure their were certain gender roles, but my mom wasn't some lazy woman that just expected to be taken care of and not an active partner in building the family.

    I have great sex with my wife, but that's not the reason I married her. I married her because I could just be bored with her, she didn't try to change me, she loves me for me, she appreciates the things I do for her. Find a woman like that.

    People need to stop putting so much focus on sex and "chemistry" which is so vague. It really is such a tiny part of your life if you really think about it. Find a best friend that will pull their own weight, that you don't mind looking at for the rest of your life.

    Most people age terribly anyway, what you are left with it who they are as a person.

    • I don't disagree with you but people n the dating pool ARE thinking about sex. The point of the question is to observe that not everyone immediately thinks about sex.

  • Initial attraction usually physical. If you are being set up on a date, or if you happen to notice someone new in a social setting or within the social circle, it's their physical features, and perhaps their means of communicating and topics of discussion that can be intriguing. Sexual attraction when dating generally occurs after you enjoy other facets of the individual's personality.
    If dating is out of the picture, and a one night stand or friends with benefits situation is desired, it is likely that sex is foremost on your mind when encountering/meeting an individual.

  • Sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together. If you are not sexually compatible, the relationship will not last, or the marriage will be an unhappy one. So start having sex as soon as both of you feel comfortable about it, but Do Not get engaged before you have been sexually active for a while, to see if you are compatible (think about what turns you both on, your kinks, and ideas about frequency).

  • For me it's about chemistry. If our chemistry is off the charts it can happen on the first date even. It really just depends on chemistry at the end of the day.

  • To be honest I've always did when I felt I "had" to, not because I particularly wanted to or felt desire but because it's what I had to do as a man.

    That said, I never really worried or cared about how they'd be in bed - most felt the same to be honest. As long as they were happy, I was happy.

    But I reckon that's me being wired wrong.

    • Not necessarly "wrong," but certainly different!

  • I start thinking about having sex with someone the moment I feel comfortable around him, feel like I can trust him, be me and he has proven himself to be worthy. Also from there on I will try to find out about his likings and see if we might be compatible and have the same view on sex etc
    Sexually compatibility? For sure just after having sex

  • Right when I meet her

  • If the sex is shit then they will never be a potential partner. But I'm fine with ok sex. Why date anyone at all if sex is terrible? One of the things that shows if someone is compatible together is how the sex is.

  • About a second and a half

  • Pass 2 months

  • Sex is the only reason to talk to women this question is backwards

    • How's that belief working out for you?

    • Awesome because if I’m not horny I just ignore women and they love that Are you familiar with the 11th man theory try it out because it definitely works women love attention and validation and when you withhold Even if you’re an ugly guy they will be obsessed with you

    • I got engaged last week. I have retired from the woman-chasing business.

  • Like pretty fast.

  • TBH, I never thought that far ahead. I usually think, "oh, she's cute, I wonder if she'd agree to a date or coffee and we'd get to know each other". I never really got past that with most.

  • Probably right after meeting them

  • If I start dating someone, I am exclusive by the second date

  • If I start considering sex with a potential partner even before we have started dating, then I will go insane, because I'm hypersexual and that would mean EVERY female I meet! NO, THANK YOU!

    Start dating, THEN start thinking about sex!