Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
A few days ago, a friend of mine posted an article on her blog about a time in the past when she went to Las Vegas with some girlfriends to celebrate graduation. During this trip, as with many younger people who go, a lot of partying and frolicking with the other sex went on.
The point of her blog entry was not to share those kinds of antics, though. My friend went on to say how one thing led to another at the end of the night, an athlete had taken an interest in her which of course was flattering. She woke up the next morning to be in his hotel room with him laying right next to her and his friend on hte bed opposite to theirs congratulating the athlete on 'getting the hot ginger'. The entry concluded by her saying it took a long time for her to come to terms with what had happened. That she had been sexually assaulted, raped, relived the moment on an almost daily basis between counselling sessions to help her cope. That she didn't remember if she'd said yes or not at any point before she collapsed in bed, completely inebriated. Which, might I add, seems pretty standard for many drunken hook-ups.
The difference? She was in a 5-year long relationship at home. She had been so intoxicated that a recollection of whether she was even asked for yes/no consent was way past retrieving. Knowledge of whether the involved male also regretted their encounter or felt violated by it was unknown.
This story stuck to me a lot as I, too, went through a similar experience. Different in that it was in my home-town with a guy I was dating and actually lost my virginity in that very way. I know what it feels like to go through the self-blame. That you got yourself into the situation. If only you had controlled your alcohol intake and been more rational in your thinking, it never would have happened. Then the doubt of whether it was even assault or just you being stupid and careless, because the state of shock you had been rendered you unable to scream 'no, no!’. He didn't hit you or hurt you in the typically physical way as often shown in Hollywood, didn’t lunge on you while you were walking alone at dark, so how can you even prove or really know the extent to which you were harmed?
You feel used, like a piece of meat. Whether it was a stranger or someone you knew for years who used you as a sexual accessory then threw you out as if you were disposable.
I read the blog entry to my boyfriend yesterday. He's very much aware of what had happened to me years ago, so I suppose I was seeking some support. What I got instead was him saying he can't lay blame on anyone as we only got one side. That essentially the only thing that really could have 'forced' my friend, and by proxy myself and any other women in similar situations is themselves. You could plead 'but I was drunk', which by law dos make an individual’s consent invalid.
But what if the guy was also drunk. Did you rape each other, in that case? If you get into a motor vehicle accident while intoxicated, can you slip out of that by saying 'sorry officer, I've been drinking and was not cognitive able to render my temporary mental state unsuitable' and be granted nothing but a stern warning?
When you look at the situation in that way, obviously not. Yet the emotional pain and almost disgust with oneself following such encounters is very real. Once you've lived through it yourself, it's no longer so black and white. Bringing some truth to the blurred lines.
Did you say no? Did you try to push him off? You did leave with him so that was basically implied consent...
In the end, you ask yourself how you can define what consent even is. Does it need to be verbalized? Is every drunken encounter between a couple legally rape then, with the negation of consent while alcohol is involved? How come nobody every checks in with the usual male participant, who may be victim-blaming just the same for reasons like the societal image of a 'real man' having the sexual prowess of a tiger? Perhaps in some cases, men make sexual advances out of peer pressure with their friends egging them on and them knowing that if they don't 'get with this girl', they'll never live it down.
While making clear-set end points for what constitues consent seems like a good solution, in reality that seems very impractical. Things are getting hot and heavy with you and a partner or perhaps someone new, making out is slowly building up to more when the guy or girl leans back and asks 'but wait! May I have your consent for sex before we continue?' Should they pull out a copy or a legal consent form so it doesn't result in more 'he said, she said'?
What Girls & Guys Said
11 34I can't understand female perspective in this, then again i don't understand the perpective of any person who puts the blame on others when they screw up. I mean, i bet she did not even imply she didn't want anything with him, but she feels like crap regardless, because she cannot put her finger on the moment she said the word "yes". And since she cannot remember it, she assumes her consent never existed.
Actually it's only human. We like putting blame on others for stuff we don't like. Noone likes to look at the mirror when they know thye won't look good. This is nowhere near a legitimate excuse though. They say, pretty sexistly, "grow some balls". I don't know if there is a female counterpart for the idiom, or if there is a unisex one, but it certainly applies to this kinda situations. Just accept you failed, and try not to fail again.
P. S. : "failing" is used in this comment to describe the situation where you chose to sleep with someone that you'd eventually regret it ever happened.
If females were strong like men we wouldn't have this problem since the women can beat his butt for trying. Too bad that's never gonna happen. Being a female is stupid
Pretend my comment isn't there
I had a lot of drunk sex in my 20s, and I can honestly say that its not that hard to tell when a girl is too drunk to consent. When I encountered a girl that was obviously too drunk, I always made sure to help her get to a safe place. It's really not that hard to do the right thing.
It is sad that there are guys out there that would take advantage of this situation. To me, if you need a girl to be black out drunk to have sex with her, then you need to re-evaluate the type of guy you are.
if your friend was sexually assaulted or raped... I assure you that the guy wouldn't be there next morning besides her...
That being said, being drunk (he or she); is not an excuse to avoid responsability of your own actions (even if you don't remember)... if I get drunk, drive a car or start a fight and kill someone, I end up in jail... point is, you decided to get drunk (well... your friend), and you are still responsible of whatever happens while you are drunk (and she wasn't raped from what I've read in your take, actually, she is a cheater.. and there is no way around that fact, unless I'm missing something).
"That she had been sexually assaulted, raped, relived the moment on an almost daily basis between counselling sessions to help her cope."
Are you saying she was drugged, and that's how she ended up with him? Or did she decide to drink to the point of being wasted and hooked up?
If a guy and girl are out drinking and the girl ends up sleeping with the guy while drunk... that's on her. You make your choices, and you live with them--women have to be responsible adults and act like it. Let's see what happens if I get drunk and someone ends up talking me into fighting another guy--think the cops will care as I'm being booked for assault and battery?
Please dude. How is it on her? He took advantage of her.
Pretend my comment isn't there
@CapricornSwagL If you decide to go out and get drunk and hook up, that's on you. Your actions, your responsibility. Same as if I went out, got drunk, and got in a bar fight. Deciding to get drunk doesn't absolve you of all responsibility for the next 10 hours. I wager you believe that if two drunk people hook up, then the man should be charged for raping the woman, am I right? It's funny that women flat out promote that men are responsible adults, and women cannot be held more responsible than children.
@CapricornSwagL If you don't want to get wasted and end up doing things you'll regret tomorrow... here's a bright idea. Don't go get wasted. Your responsibility for your actions doesn't go away because you drank. Do you also believe drunk drivers should not be arrested or charged? As they had no ability to control the situation, they didn't know what they were doing?
You can't even say women can rape men but yes we all know men can definitely rape women. How sad. If both are drunk, no one was raped but how are we gonna know if one isn't telling the truth? Hm? Its not about 'women not being responsible', it's about alcohol affecting her decisions and people saying "oh it's ok, she should've not gotten drunk, it's her fault, she deserve it".
Plus if he was so raped (so people are saying) why did he invite his friends over to talk about getting laid? hm
He was proud and I bet he was drunk but if he was obviously it wouldn't him. I doubt he was drunk though
*wasnt*
@CapricornSwagL Yes, I can say women rape men. Women perpetuate plenty of sexual violence. And I ask it again. Do you think drunk drivers should not be charged, because "it's about alcohol affecting her decisions"? Do you believe people should not be held responsible for their actions while drunk?
Yes I think people should be responsible for their actions but it's really sad how women can't just have fun like men. We're not strong enough to beat the heck out of a guy for trying to rape us. it wouldn't even be a problem if we was as strong in the fighting department.
@CapricornSwagL So what you mean is, you wish you could have casual sex and then later still settle down with some nice guy after 30 sex partners. That's life. Get over it. And both men and women are responsible for their actions when drunk/high. That's life. You don't want to wake up in someone's bed with a hangover and no memories? Don't get wasted! YOU are responsible for yourself. Your responsibility for your actions does not cease because you got drunk or high. And if you're worried about someone raping you, then take common sense precautions like everyone else. I'm a big bad patriarchal oppressor, yet I have to keep a sharp eye to stay safe. For starters, avoid getting wasted in places less safe than your locked bedroom. Avoid bad crowds. Don't go off with weird people you just met. Avoid bad parts of town, especially at night. Buy a concealable weapon and carry it. Do these things, and your odds of getting raped/mugged/murdered go down.
Are you fucking kidding me lol? Men have LOTS of sexual partners before they even think about settling down then have the nerve to think the woman they marry should be a virgin. Gtf. Men like that should get a life. I haven't even had sex yet but it's because I want to wait not because I'm supposed to. I hate that sexist bullshit. It doesn't matter. If someone is drunk it doesn't give some sicko the right to rape her. If that happens, I pray some big muscular guy with a huge penis rapes him. That should be his match since they're strong together. Too late for that. But I'm sure it's my fault to you huh like everyone else in the comment section said. We women deserve it even if we didn't do shit to make a sicko do it Being a woman is soo great... not. I'll be better off dead than being a woman
@CapricornSwagL I'm going to let you in on something most people don't know. You know why men can have lots of sex partners before ever settling down? Because women have made it so, through decisions and choices. You know why women who have had lots of sex partners are considered bad picks for a serious relationship? Because men have made it so, through decisions and choices. If you don't like it that men can have lots of sex partners and still be considered a good pick, but women can't... then change it. Refuse to date men who have been promiscuous. Go approach the quiet guy in the corner who might even be a virgin. Tell your fellow ladies to do the same. And things will change. If you actually want them to.
I already know that but women hate women. We out each other down and call ourselves hoes as if thats right. Women prase men and look down on women that want something more. If a woman wants something different than what society say isn't normal, she's a man hater. Women say it and men. Me and my 2 best friends are strong af. We want certain type of guys. Not those retard badboys but a normal guy that's either a virgin or had 1, 2 partners. Us wanting this makes us look like man haters so other girls at my college says smh. It's true women are the reason we're treated this way. Be never build each other up. We break each other down. Look at the women on GAG, they praise men to the fullest and bash women. It's sick. I can't get girls to get more respect by myself. I hate being a women
As for the guy thing, I dont want badboys, thugs, hoes, anything like that. I want a normal guy but that's hard to find. I have a boyfriend and he's had sex a lot and it dosgust me because I never done it (in the terms of consenting) and it's annoying. I never settle for that but I did. We're breaking up anyways
I believe that drunk people can consent to sex.
My opinion on the subject is this, if both people are drunk than a woman should still have the right to press charges, but should not be forced to because drunken consent doesn't exclude the possibility of actual consent. If they do press charges it should be considered rape, though it should not be punished as severely as other forms of rape.
Why...
That's a terrible idea. You're basically saying that it's okay for men to get arrested if both the man and the woman were drunk. That is incredibly sexist.
this is a really bad idea.
@Kirah Sexist against whom?
@Jackblue men, of course. And to some degree women, too. If both the man and the woman are drunk and have sex, then punishing only the man, purely because he's male, is sexist. It's also degrading to women by implying that women cannot make rational decisions as well as men. It's sexist either way. Women can rape too. I wouldn't even call drunk sex "rape" in the first place.
But what if the guy was raped if they were both drunk then she could have easily pressured the guy for sex. It's possible and yet no one believes it because women are the only ones allowed to call rape! I'm not mad but what if the situation was in reverse the woman doesn't know what happened and neither does the man but because she's a woman we automatically assume that she was the one who was raped.
People saying how women can rape men, sure. If the woman is ugly to them, they probably wouldn't want it. Women can't hurt men with a vagina
Pretend my comment isn't there
That is disgusting to me when I think of myself living where the best alcohol is made and you are allowed to drink when you're 16 (without the fact even 13y olds drink).
To underlay the truth there were girls who told me they lost their V or got laid often that way. The reason I don't enjoy "Oktoberfest" or else, bad music but hookups. I rather go out and party but I am really shy to talk to girls at daytime, ahhr dillema ^[
Regretting your one night stand, doesn't make you a rape victim. It makes you stupid, but not a victim of rape.
If people are held accountable for drunk driving then they should be held accountable for their decision to have sex while drunk.
1. girl enjoyed fuckin that hot stud
2. after fun was over, she regretted one night stand, mostly due cheating her boyfriend
3. time to blame a guy for everything and it wasn't her fault
4. boyfriend probably still doesn't know what happened
5. OP is that girl
6. this is why you don't date girl who drinks. Drinking + hot guys = sex.
... I am not the girl in the story. I had a few incidents similar in nature happen a few years ago, didn't involve sex, everything but. That's beside the point though. It just made me be able to relate to this issue a bit more, hence why I like hearing other people's opinions on it.
Too long, didn't read...
hahaha same for me I read up to the bold letters and realized there was more... what a turn off
That's a phrase I learned from @Chick180 If there was any one good thing to be taken from that girl...
How about you get married and give consent at the altar? I know it's old fashioned, but it works.
The man is right.
I am still stuck with the same situation, and it happened twice, so I ended up thinking for the past years, that I am the one to blame. First time I was 17, was hanging out with a friend he was 25 ... well we were sitting, talking, he drank some beer (I can't say he was drunk, but relaxed) Until he said like it's a little bit cold, I need a hug. I did know that we might get closer and closer, but didn't know he wouldn't stop (and here again lot of my friends blame me, saying I am pretty sure you expected it...) an we hugged, kissed, until he started touching me, then he said let's go, I really thought that he would actually put me home, but no, we were in his car he started kissing again, he unzipped his pants, he was already hard, I told him I didn't wanted and I was still a virgin, he said I know I know don't worry. But his penis was still pointed into my vagina even if he wasn't pushing. I felt very uncomfortable, I said again please don't, I don't want it, he didn't answer. I didn't know what to do, I started pushing more and more so I ended up telling him to penetrate from behind (no matter how twisted it sounds, but my family is really religious and staying virgin was important, so I didn't know what to do so this won't happen, cause I knew I couldn't stop him), I couldn't leave the car, cause we got out of town, and it was really dark outside. He did it, then was really tired and fell asleep until the next morning, we were still in his car, I didn't sleep the whole night, wanted to go home as fast as possible, when he woke up he said you won't leave me that way, so he fucked me again and then I made it home. I felt very disgusting, slutty, stinky, horrible. Stupid back, I was late for my period so I thought I was pregnant. I was hoping desperately, I was ready to have HIV, anything but didn't wanted the baby to be born ( I was ready to punish myself in every way possible). He didn't talk to me after that night. After two years, he reappears telling me he was sorry. I didn't know how to react, I didn't reply. I don't know what it is, but I can't look at him, I can't feel free with a man, especially if we're alone, I feel very uncomfortable, and always paranoid.
I'm really sorry to hear that. :( I can also personally relate to the feeling of helplessness. That people claim in cases like that, you weren't hurt, whether assaulted or raped, because you didn't put up a fight or even say no. When they fail to realize that having done so would have been fruitless, stopped nothing and just created even more of a turmoil than anything else. You should look into receiving some counselling to help you cope, no matter how long ago that happened.
I am trying to get over that, it works sometimes, other times it reappears, and I feel useless and stupid. But I am working on myself, I hate feeling miserable, though this feeling dominates sometimes, But I keep fighting ! Thank you <3
While I think the way we approach rape claims can definitely use a tweaking, people should still ultimately be responsible for themselves. You need to monitor how much you drink. Not just for situations like this, but to avoid alcohol poisoning, being robbed, and making any number of stupid decisions. If you want to avoid bad things from happening, take proper precautions. Don't throw caution to the wind and reflect responsibility after the fact. This goes for male AND females.
Can you consent while intoxicated? I think so. It needs to be taken on a case to case basis. Can you consent when you're blacking out? Hell no.
oh please she wanted sex with him that's why she went to his hotel. and girls need to stop blaming the alcohol for the dumb shit they do -_-
Get out. She wasn't raped. She was taken advantage of which is likely to happen if you get drunk with a bunch of guys and go back to his hotel room. Is he right? No fucking way. Is he a dick? Absolutely. Honestly as a rape victim, I'm sick and tired of the word being thrown around.
I'm going to have to agree with you. When you read stories like that, the way it's phrased and a lot of information left out from the guy's side, it's easy to sympathize with the girl. Be almost force-fed confirmation of yes, she was raped. But with her having even said she doesn't remember giving consent or not, she did go along with them... everyone fucks up, but crying wolf is unacceptable in cases like this one.
finally, some one gets it. the word "rape" is tossed around like a little salad, and everyone uses it a little differently. if you said yes, it's consent. if you said no, it's not. if you can't remember, why go out and say "I was raped!!!" I was there, yeah. a few parties here and there in middle school/high school can take a little memory away, BUT, if you feel you are getting wasted, it's time to leave the party ASAP. I don't like getting so drunk, or high or whatever, to where I have to strain my eyes to find the door knob to the bathroom, even if there's a light on down the hallway. but it's not a blurred line until you absolutely have an exact reason to say "I don't remember.." like having roofies put into your drink. most of the time you remember getting the drink, and that's about it. it's hard to catch in a blood screening (pain in the neck, I swear to ya!) and it almost never holds up in court. unless there were other witnesses... but more or less, she's not wrong completely.
they put themselves in that situation. dont go to that places and dont live that life and you will be exposed to much less dangers
what Jager66 said.
I'm fairly certain the guys were sober when they raped your friend. The internet is flooded with webpages that tell guys to remain sober while getting the girls drunk. I'm quite ambivalent to this strategy because I think it's extremely wrong but at the same time I'm very jealous that these guys are having sex with girls for free and getting away with it. I thought this phenomenon was rare, but now that I've been on this planet for a while, this strategy is actually quite prevalent. I doubt I'll ever do this to girls, though. The only time I got to have sex with girls was because I was attractive to them, but also because I gave them money. If I wasn't attractive and didn't have money in my wallet, I would still be a virgin today. I got to have sex for only five minutes with each of the four girls in August 2015. I was really happy for about three weeks. Now, I'm extremely depressed again. I just really hate guys who get laid everyday for free. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can give up my hatred for humanity unless I finally get laid everyday, too. Only criminals and rapists get laid nonstop everyday, while guys who refuse to commit crimes and rape people either die virgins or rarely get to experience the pleasures of sex.
This planet has contaminated the multiverse long enough. Soon, I will forgo my human facade. The awakening of the fallen genome will begin with me. Planet Earth will finally have a glimpse of the Primordial Spirit of everything and nothing. Free will was given to all sentient beings. The destroyers hidden in Nibiru and Broken Tiamat will atone for their atrocities against the cosmos.
Any drunken choices a females makes should be HER responsibility not the males. Males are expected to be 100% accountable for all their choices when intoxicated, even when that level of intoxication far outweighs the females, and his judgement is far beyond his control.
I am sick of females expecting men to be responsible for their bad choices. If you can't make good decisions when intoxicated... don't fucking get intoxicated! You are not infants, stop expecting us to treat you like one.
Even when a male is blacked out, he is still held accountable for his actions in relation to a female who chooses to rape him.
www.washingtonexaminer.com/.../2565978
sooooo alcohol raped her? He raped her? She raped her self? To be honest she made a mistake in her views and in classic western (or more precisely, American culture) looks for someone to blame. Just man up and learn to live with the consequences. Whats the worst that happened? Had drunken sloppy sex and went to sleep? Big deal she got laid. Its called the law of unintended consequences. To be honest how pathetic can you be?