Boyfriend can’t stay hard, is it me?

So recently my boyfriend hasn’t been able to stay hard. And when he does stay hard it takes him ages to cum and sometimes he can’t at all. This is literally a complete change to before cause he never had this issue and actually used to cum fast.

Last few times I was giving him a blowjob and he went soft so we stopped. It’s killing my self esteem cause I keep thinking he’s not attracted to me anymore. We’ve been together 3.5 years.

I have put on weight the last few years we’ve been together I used to be really underweight , no boobs at all. Now I’m a healthy weight and have boobs and more of a butt. Whenever I ask why he goes soft or what’s going on he says he doesn’t know so I don’t know what to do? Please help I get so anxious having sex or doing anything sexual with him now. And I have a high sex drive

0 2

Superb Opinion

  • As I'm responding to this, there are already 13 responses. I've deliberately not read them so that my response is my own. I suspect it will align with the comments below.

    There's two pieces to this.

    First, a guy not getting hard is very very very rarely the girl's fault or not wanting to be with you. And, so, while I can understand that you want to allow this to dissolve your self-esteem, don't let it. Why? He still desires you. He's still your boyfriend. And from the second piece of this:

    Second, there are a gazillion reasons why a guy can't get hard/stay hard/takes a long time to cum. Among them are masturbation, alcohol, and health. Talk to your guy in a non-judgemental way and get him to not masturbate for a few days; see if that changes anything. Alcohol makes a difference. Try a day with no alcohol and see if that changes anything. Finally, encourage him to go to his doctor and do a FULL workup with specific looks at thyroid, endocrine system, hormones, bloodwork, etc. There are a shocking number of things that mess with guys and their erections and ejaculations. I got my thyroid meds adjusted and my wife was shocked in the change in my libido.

    An additional finally: stress in his life can massively affect erections and ejaculations. You guys need to look at that too.

    But, you're not the cause -- I can almost guarantee it.

Most Helpful Guy

  • It’s not you. It’s him. And it’s hard to figure out what and why. But while it could be his reaction to your relationship, it’s not you. I know everything I just said is complex. The situation is complex. But, really and truly, it’s not you

    • What you mean it’s our relationship but not me?

    • Half of your relationship is him. This problem is in that half. It could be that he is concerned, worried, conflicted, guilty, etc. about his relationship with you. It is not that he just doesn’t like looking at you. It’s in his head. It’s not something you initiated. It’s not something you can control. If he is guilty or distracted about some thing it can definitely have this effect I know it’s really upsetting. The only thing I can encourage you to try is to not focus on it and not worry about it. It’s the kind of thing that gets worse when you pay attention to it.

Most Helpful Girls

  • When you take it personally and stress it doesn’t help anything because I’m sure he is feeling worse about it than you. Just enjoy the moment of spending time being intimate kissing and touching each other without expecting anything it’s not a problem as long as you are both feeling good where it ends.

    I have this friend and his girlfriend can’t make him cum (he has a medical condition) and says shit about it to him, he can cum with me 9/10( we are often short on time) because I never put stress on him we just enjoy each other.

  • Could be stress. Sometimes it just happens and if it happens once he gets stressed about it happening again. It's an ongoing cycle. Just make sure you don't make a big deal about it.

    • I second your last point. a lot of women seem to take this personally when it happens even thought it rarely has anything to do with them.

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What Girls & Guys Said

3 17
  • there are many boys like that most of the time is worry, just talk to him and letit go for now

    • Guys really agonize over this kind of thing and it haunted me from the time I was 22, even went to my MD and he said have a 'drink' and relax a little before. I don't think many young girls are aware of the psychological part of sex and how it effects young guys.

  • If its not stress/anxiety or drug/alcohol related, it could be an underlying health issue, maybe high blood pressure or heart condition starting to appear. He should get checked out. Best get checked by a professional

  • Don't make this about you. Dude has an issue and should see a doctor.

  • It's not you, dear - It's him.

    Possible causes can include but are not limited to: delayed ejaculation disorder, diet, lack of exercise, and finally porn addiction.

  • It could be any number of things including alcohol, drugs, stress, a disease, or having an affair. It's probably best if he asks his doctor about it.

  • Well as us guys get older we might have issues not staying hard or able to cum. He probably has low testosterone now and might need to go get a physical and see to give his testosterone boost
    He can also use Viagra or Cialis so he can stay hard and be able to cum. Usually it's never the girl it's just the guy getting older and needs a little help as a girl sex drive goes up as they get older.

  • Getting hard is psychological and physical.. it could stress, or maybe he put on weight

  • It's not you. Encourage him to talk to his doctor about ED

  • Your fine, he is just underperforming

    • i'm sorry brooke

    • @chrissykerdock good, i dont like getting judged by someone just like me.

    • i'm so sorry for that i'll never do that again

  • Just be understanding with him. Maybe he is under a lot of stress at work etc. No need for you to add more. Try to figure out what might have changed in his life.

  • Why would you think that it was you

    • Because I can’t think of any other reason, makes sense it might be me

    • Can you send me a message and I can talk to you there and talk to you more about it there

  • It’s not you. It’s him. Could be porn addict.

  • usually that happens when alcohol is involved

  • He masturbates a lot thats why

    • Well we live together so I see him all the time , I don’t think he masturbates much at all so it can’t be that

    • Then not sure. Maybe make him see a doctor

    • I don’t think he will he’s not too worried about it but I’m wondering is it me or something I’m doing wrong but I haven’t really changed techniques so I don’t understand.

    • Show All
  • Maybe because of meal maybe weather if doesn't change anything in a row he must see the docs.

  • Its a serious issue, you need to understand the situation well and talk with him.

    • We’ve spoke about it but he doesn’t know. The only explanation he gave is since we moved in together he’s not as excited by me cause we see each other all the time. But is that normal that he’s so used to me he can’t even stay hard?

  • His sex drive is decreased, so he should get treatment

  • I doubt it's u

  • I assume he was the one that asked you out

  • Go online and order some pills.