Can one sexual fantasy mess up an entire relationship?

Question

He tells me his fantasy. I'm cool with trying it and doing it sometimes. Problem is he only wants this, he has to be doing this or talking about it or thinking about it or he's not satisfied. I said that's too much. He said he will just not tall about it anymore. But I don't know if I can be comfortable knowing that's all he's thinking about. Can he be happy never talking about it? If not, should I leave him when everything else about our relationship is great?

abc3643 · Accepted Answer

Q: Can one sexual fantasy mess up an entire relationship?
Yes, absolutely.

This is why sexual chemistry needs to be determined early in a relationship because, no matter how good outside the bedroom the relationship is, if it sucks in the bedroom (especially when you are young), that's demoralizing and often leads to the death of the relationship.

Q: Can he be happy never talking about it?
He can be... accepting of his reality. He'll go to chat sites or worse though to get his needs met.

Q: If not, should I leave him when everything else about our relationship is great?
I can't really answer this because you are a better gauge of your relationship than I am. But, what I said above may cause long-term problems.

This is an important lesson:
Sex should never be work.
Sex should be when you should feel completely free and safe to be yourself no matter how dark or twisted that is.
However, if the two partners disagree in some way about this, then one of two things happens. Let's call these two partners Chris and Terry.
1. One partner, Chris, is indulging the other one, Terry. Chris is not into what Terry is, so, to indulge Terry, Chris has to work... Chris does not get to be his/herself but had to be an actor and acting is work.
2. If Chris doesn't indulge Terry, then Terry feels unsatisfied... a bit empty. In a way, Terry is indulging Chris by suppressing part of his/herself during sex and not being completely his/herself which is what sex is for. In this case, it is Terry doing the work acting that s/he is satisfied when s/he is not.

So, in both cases, one of these two partners is doing work - one partner needs to work at acting at not being themselves for the sake of sex. This is an example of a lack of complete sexual chemistry.

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I feel bad for you because I genuinely understand your situation having experienced it myself.

normalice · Accepted Answer

Chances are he has somehow built it up in his mind as the primary way of determining whether or not he is satisfying to you: if you enjoy his fantasy, then he knows that he will always be able to please you. And pleasing a woman is like half the reason men like sex.

VIVANT · Accepted Answer

Wait. im confused.

You said he has to be doing this or talking about this or thinking about this or he’s not satisfied...

otherwise everything else is great.

how can everything wise be great if he’s 💯 obsessed with that.

unless you mean he’s obsessed with it as far as sex goes, but the whole relationship?

soooo

#1.

for me if he’s obsessed with it just in terms of sex but to the point I never really matter in sex, I couldn’t stay. Even if the relationship overall was good. Something isn’t right about him being so self absorbed... And maybe he can’t help it I don't know but that’s a huge problem for me. If he can't work on it. does not care to. Deal breaker.

#2. even if he was only obsessed with it sexually, and in other ways and the relationship was great, But it’s some fantasy that he knows I’m not ok with like anal.. then it will be a problem no matter what. Possibly Deal breaker.

#3. if he’s totally obsessed nothing rude matters.. and he has no interest to work on that. Yeah deal breaker.

Breanna_nonbinary · Accepted Answer

I'm pretty sure I know why you don't say what it is that he fantasies about, and it can get in the way because the problem becomes that you aren't enjoying yourself because you aren't in the moment. The same goes for him. He's living in the fantasy and not in the moment. But not knowing what it is its hard to help. If you private message me I can help more. No judgement.

AustinMan · Answer

Depends on what it was.

skullwulf · Answer

My answer be yes. Especially if it's kind of obsessive. But what is it what is it he's obsessing over?

longlicker6969 · Answer

What's his fantasy? That could change my opinion about your question...

Freddy78361 · Answer

It did with yours. He shared something important to him. You responded. Sharing needs is important between two people. Now you know if he's really the guy for you or not.