Can someone please give me some *non-judgmental* advice on how to resolve a porn issue with my boyfriend?(*please* no “all guys do it” responses) ?

[Kenmic732]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. About 6 months into our relationship I expressed to him that his porn use bothers me. A LOT. He told me he would stop, but didn’t, and we mutually decided that porn would be blocked on everything from then on. There have occasionally been times where we weren’t on good terms that he tried to watch it and bypass the fact that it’s blocked. Recently, we haven’t been getting along very well and almost ended things, but we decided we wanted to work on things. The issue is he wants to have porn unblocked. Here’s my viewpoint on the situation: - I feel like it’s too much to have porn blocked. Although he originally agreed to it, I’m worried that it may make him feel controlled and that may make him unhappy. I don’t want to be controlling or over bearing. - on the other hand, I don’t trust him to not watch it if it’s unblocked. I do trust him in general. I don’t worry about his faithfulness. It’s just this one thing that I don’t trust him with. Here are my reasons for not liking porn: - I feel like even if it’s momentarily, he wants to have sex with the person he’s watching and that hurts. Even if he’d never do it, it hurts that he wants to. (Disclaimer: sure he will find other people attractive. I feel like that’s normal. I see Bradley Cooper on tv and he is cute to me, but I wouldn’t fantasize about having sex with him) - I feel like I am trying to value and respect his feelings, but that he’s not valuing/respecting mine by continuing to do something that bothers me so much. - I don't know why he needs it if I’m around and willing to send pics/vids. - we are both Christian, and bc of my religion I feel like it’s wrong (I’m not trying to impose my religion on anyone those are just personal beliefs and he’s told me before that he shares those beliefs) On his side: - he says he doesn’t want to have sex with the person he’s watching, he just wants to get off. Any advice on how to compromise/handle this?

[Anonymous]

Exactly. It's all in your second-last line!
I belong to an age group that had no access to online porn when growing up. I did read books, or saw magazines with erotic women instead. But the accessibility was limited.
Being a virgin till marriage (at 27), I obviously had to depend on some amount of porn to keep me away from misbehaving with women, falling into unwanted relationships, or worse. When I visited a city where the sex-workers looked real pretty (and sex shows were easily accessible), I stayed true to my beliefs by buying a cheap but colourful porn magazine and getting off whenever I needed to. In fact, I saw it as a lesser evil.
After marriage, we had a good relationship for the first six years. As you know, things cool down with time. Specially after the kids came along.
Fortunately, my wife is very liberal in her attitude to watch porn. (More on this below.)
I do use it still when she's not available for a sexual encounter, is busy, or her libido doesn't match mine (which can be often).
What is crucial is that she doesn't see porn as competition to her. I guess she understands well enough that I'm not watching the women there with the hope of getting into bed with them (logically no chance!) but just as an aide to get me off. I sometimes joke and say the women in porn mean so much to me, that an hour later I can't even remember their faces! But it works well to get a speedy ejaculation.
Sometimes, I ask my wife to join me in watching porn, as a form of foreplay. If she agrees, we watch what she enjoys. Couples porn, porn for women, buxom women (she likes that...) and I am quite easily satisfied.
She isn't religious, but obviously porn tends to be a guy's thing. She starts off by saying how disgusting it is... if we manage to persevere for awhile, she is soon enjoying it and then getting off to it herself (or, at the least, it's a good form of foreplay which arouses her no end, often to climax during the sex that follows).
In a word, just take porn as "fairy tales for adults". They are as lethal as the romance diet that girls like to read at a certain age. Most men know that porn is just "fairy tales for adults". (I don't believe a screenshot of it, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't arouse me.)

[integrale77]

Men are more likely to be visually stimulated which is why a lot of us like porn. We are not strictly fantasising about having sex with the specific woman in the video but rather the act they are performing. This also gives us ideas of things to do with our partners.

As for women mostly your imagination fills in the gaps and you just need to see someone hot to fantasise about or read a romance novel and that allows you to put yourself in that situation. Difference is your not having to sit and watch something to get turned on. And this fantasy can involve anyone including your boyfriend.

If you don't think you can accept your partner watching porn then it's time to cut him loose and find someone who doesn't watch porn.
It's going to be a long search and chances are most men will have some porn tucked away be it on there phone or a hidden folder on the computer.

It might be time to live with it just remember it doesn't lessen what they feel for you most men just need that escapism some times.

[Marilynjuana]

He wants porn. You don’t. Both is fine. But not together. You two are not compatible and it is okay. He does not think like you and I believe you should move on to someone you’re a better match with. It would always bother you.

[brownguy]

What if the next guy you move on to also likes porn? To my mind, this is not a big issue. It's as serious a matter as if my partner liked to read romance novels. Who cares?

[Marilynjuana]

As someone who doesn't like porn thanks to how it related to me getting cheated on, I have made the conscious decision to simply not date guys who are so much into porn. And that's fine. I don't judge or put anyone down, I just stay away because I know I can't handle it. Neither can the OP.

[Marilynjuana]

Women (not all of them) tend to view porn differently than men, you can't really say "who cares" when it IS deep issue to someone. If you like it, fine. If you don't, also fine. I just wish people would stop putting them into these situations when they know what hurts.

[cjgsu]

Tbh. This relationship is a mess.

If ya can't get past him liking porn and he seems to need it for some reason then u need to find someone that doesn't watch porn.

Or you are gonna be suffering and so will he.

[brownguy]

Just change your perspective and everything will sort itself out. To try and change his might be tougher. I would give up watching porn only if I could get sex on the tap, as and when I wanted it -- which is too much to ask for given my partner's libido.

[brownguy]

Or give him enough sex as he needs, on the tap, and when he wants it. That's going to be far tougher... The smart women see porn as the maid -- she's there to do the work in the house (when needed), without ever becoming the mistress of the house.

[ManWithThePlan123]

Well this might not be the best approach, but maybe you two don't get enough sex? Or even sexual activity in general, he shouldn't have to watch porn when you are by his side. I feel like this is more of a communication problem in general, and o think you are right that blocking porn is a little controlling, he should be able to do it himself as an adult.

[OlderAndWiser]

If he truly wants to quit but says he can't. . . do you think he would agree to a schedule to taper off from his use of porn? He could begin with unlimited use but all sound must be muted. After a few weeks, he would be limited to some reasonably small amount, like 2 hours per week. After another month, it would reduce to 2 hour per week. You can change the schedule and the amounts but you get the basic idea of what you are doing with this taper, right?

[Derekk]

Whether he's honest about it or not, a part of him is fantasizing about having sex with those people and if that constitutes disrespect of your feelings, then you are not compatible with him. He can stop watching porn, but he can't stop fantasizing about sex with other people. That's a private mental thought that you can't just "turn off".

[Lov2PlezUgurl]

I can understand you not liking porn but pporn is nothing but sex education you see something that looks interesting to try and you try it and you like it or you don't like it and you are beautiful I can't believe that he chooses porn over you there is no way to see I am pouring King I have gotten more porn videos than any 10 ...20 guys in the world I've got of thousands of them it's because I'm not in a relationship I guess but still that's besides... the point is that I would never choose any or all of my porn videos over you he's a fool

[Berethor]

You are controlling and overjealous, don't try to deny it, you not the only girl that is overjealous about porn, but blocking porn from your boyfriend? that's high level of controlling and overjealous, but that said if you sending him your own porn pics and vids, and if you have a good sex life as you said in on of the comments here then maybe your boyfriend didn't have much need for porn.

By the way you both christian and yet you have sex without marriage, didn't it technically worse than him watching porn? though that ship has sailed anyway, also he also blocked all your erotic novels? I mean how could he allow you to think about intimate situations that involve other guy. :)

[boggboss]

There is no fix to this past accepting it as he has shown even with it blocked he will watch it if he wants here is the thing it dont matter how much you police this issue he has made it clear he dont agree with how you view porn from there having a stance that he is no allowed to watch it even when he disagrees with the reason will make him do it behind your back if he is prepared to do that and its still a issue for you no relationship can work with the two of you this is a pretty simple fix like any other situation of compromise if both say no then thats it relationship done or prolonged arguments about the issue whilst its still done you have to decide what u want more a relationship with him or a partner that dont watch porn

[Kaneki05]

If you don't like it then leave him not really hard. Don't be with someone who does something you don't like. But a lot of guys watch porn so good luck finding a guy who don't.

[Agape93]

1. He’s entitled to watch it if he wants to.
2. If he repeatedly goes back on his word to do it, then leave him. He won’t stop if there’s no meaningful consequence

[cou82]

from my point of view when i see nudes/porn. it has nothing to do with wanting the women, wanting to do this or that to her but simply a way to get off quick when you dont have the time erenergy to get into a full on 20+ minute sex session with your women. maybe your tierd, exausted, or in a time crunch and just want to get off. men dont have vibrators and dildos to get us off so there's porn

[TheFlak38]

The exact same bullshit EVERY FUCKIN TIME! The woman always invades the man's privacy and then whores herself out for attention and money. No woman can ever accept a man's hobbies and happiness. It drives women completely crazy when they see a happy man. Women only get happiness when the man is miserable and depressed.

[Kenmic732]

I don’t think porn is really a “hobby”. I’m really supportive of everything he does. Also, I don’t understand the “whore’s herself out” comment. And clearly don’t want him to be miserable, or I would have just said “no. You can never watch this if you’re going to be with me.” Which I didn’t do.

[TheFlak38]

yeah ok. Not that you would ever admit anything as a typical WOMAN. What women say and what they respond to are always two different things. You're obviously a control bitch judging by your own words. -I do trust him in general -we weren’t on good terms It's because of women like you, nagging us to an early grave that the female lifespan is longer than the male. This guy clearly was much happier when you weren't around. You came into his live just six months ago and already make him miserable. Imagine how fucked up his head will be if it becomes six years. Holy shit! The man will require psychiatric help! This is what relationships do today to men.

[Kenmic732]

We’ve been together 3 years and he asked me to marry him. Thank you for your response, but it’s not really helping much. I hope you have a blessed day!

[TheFlak38]

yeah of course. when he's wearing love goggles he asks to get married. Thats why you're staying with him. Other wise you would be gone already. A woman only marries a man who she can control. Hence the entire porn issue. He is to get married with you. Which means he is not allowed to have his freedom anymore. He will be formally enslaved to serve the vagina of a control bitch wife.

[Twalli]

Porn allows you to explore and expierence things you don't have and may not want in real life. It's ultimately a fantasy situation. You don't have it in your life and you may not even want it, but it turns you on. I like incest porn, but I don't want anything like that in my life.

[KrakenAttackin]

News flash, you don't own his sexuality. Also, the fact that you specified "no all guys do it" replies means you only want to be told you are "right".

He should dump you and your controlling, bitchy ways.

[Daman55]

Tell him it's either you or that. If he chooses that then wtf are you doing with that man? And 3 years?

[andy530]

Have you ever asked him what he likes about porn? What he gets from it? And tried to listen with an open mind?

[Kenmic732]

I have tried, but he’s really uncomfortable talking about it. I’m not sure if it’s because he knows it upsets me. He’s just not a big “talker.” From what we have talked about though, he enjoys our sex life. Because I don’t want him to turn to porn I try to ask him if he wants to try new things (whatever it may be) in case there’s something that he wants more of that he’s not getting. But with porn in the picture too, I also feel pressured to be some sort of sexual God. Like I feel like I can’t compete with it. We have a good sex life, but if he’s watching that instead of trying new things with me how can I possibly know what new things to do if he’s not expressing any “fantasies” to me for me to act out with him but is getting them from porn instead. It’s just frustrating bc I am willing to do whatever it is he might be looking for.

[andy530]

I can understand why he may be hesitant talking to you and opening up about what he likes about porn as you have made it very clear your distain for his porn use. That would cause many people men and women to not want to talk about their porn use or fantasies with their partner for fear of inadvertently hurting them further. Plus it is super vulnerable talking about those things. It sounds to me like you have a great sex life but that he is getting something from porn that you just don’t understand and that lack of understanding is playing on and triggering your insecurities. It may be helpful to try and have an open and honest conversation about what he likes about the porn. If he can’t put it into words right now maybe ask him to show you what kind of porn he likes and what he looks for in it, and then ask what he thinks about as he watches it. You maybe very surprised to find out you’re not competing with the porn at all the way he uses it and that it may not be the threat you feel that it is. Or you may find out what it is that he likes tjay he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about yet and that can be a great conversation starter and doorway into sexual self discovery and exploration as a couple.

[Valnac]

My girl likes watching it, we watch it together.

[brownguy]

That's great. Porn can be a form of foreplay! Someone has called it "fairy tales for adults" (especially guys). We should take it to be that only. by the way, I'm not dreaming about sleeping with the women I watch in porn. There's no chance I could, even if they were near. They would cost me a fraction of a million dollars :-) They are just objects who help me to get off. That's all. Urging all women to understand it for what it is. Just as I would not be judgmental towards woman who get turned on by reading romantic mush.

[CreamySeed]

I need to get off at least 4 times a week or else my balls get uncomfortable if the girl is not going to do it someone has to and it is very difficult for me to jack off without visual stimulation.

[Kenmic732]

So what if the girl is willing to do it? Or offers to send you visual aids? Do you still feel like you have to have porn? And if you’re currently in a relationship, does it affect how you feel about your partner? In a way are you fantasizing about cheating? I’m not sure if that’s exactly the right way to put it.

[CreamySeed]

Oh if she is willing to service me or provide material thats totally different im talking about if the man is not getting his needs met and she does not help. I agree if he they are happy in the relationship there should be no porn just have him imagine you masturbating to other men wouldn't that hurt his feelings?

[Paulychicago10]

To me it sounds like he has an addiction that he will never get over. If it were my choice, he would have been gone a long time ago. Addictions like that can become overwhelming and it is a hard thing to turn back from. You did what you could but I believe it's to deep that you won't be able to change him for the better and to end the relationship. My opinion, but I'm only 1 person

[Not-karen]

That is a tough one. Have you tried to see if he would go talk to someone. Sounds like perhaps it’s an addiction. He is obviously struggling to no watch so I think he needs more help or some direction from someone other then you

[Kenmic732]

I don’t think he would talk to anyone about it, and sadly I just think he doesn’t want to stop. He wants me to change how I feel about it. I did unblock it, because I don’t want to control him or make him feel bad. But it’s been a day since it’s been unblocked and I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s just bothering me a lot.

[Not-karen]

Does he want you to watch it with him or he just watches it along and masturbates.

[Kenmic732]

He watches it alone

[Not-karen]

You have no desire to watch with him or he wouldn’t want you or let you.

[J9inva]

I don’t get the obsession with porn. I never cared for it. They do have Porn Anonymous. Similar to AA.

[jimmy2]

God bless you guys. Well you 2 will have to settle this together. One thing understand about him. He is visusl. So why not try to wear sonthing that makes him want to visual you dear