Sexual Relationships
1 y

Can these be considered red flags or just kinks?

This guy I'm hanging out with, haven't had sex yet but we talked about it. I mean we've been friends and flirted with each other a lot. He's like very much into S&M. He likes submissive women (but I didn't ask him if that's only in bed or in general). He likes to do rough stuff during sex, with consent of course. Like choking and putting a collar and some stuff like that I don't even know what those are. What is making me ask this question is that he has very bad ptsd from fighting war in his teen days and being a refugee losing his family, and friends dying. Like a very bad past, and he gets bad depression. Can this issue have any link to his kinks? I'm not going to sleep with his immediately, we're great friends and everything. I'm just wondering what u guys think from an objective pov.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I think his trauma could very much be related to his kinks. And I don't think it's necessarily dangerous. I do however, think that it's possible that he could have emotional issues, and these need to be worked out in therapy. Because if someone can't control their emotions, then they would not be a good prospect for marriage, because they could have a hard time dealing with stress and conflict.

    • Thanks for the MHO.

  • I am not into any kind of BDSM. However...
    His desires are a little dark and may be associated with anger and rage.
    Talk to him to learn more. Rough stuff and the collar might ultimately harmless but choking can go too far. Tell him what is on and off limits He needs to know that anything he does must preclude pain, fear or blood.

Most Helpful Girls

  • his kinks sound like nothing overboard. at least from what you explain. i think he is just trying to see where your thoughts are and what you would be into as well by bringing it up. just sound like kinks, exploration etc.

    • Oh, I guess. I haven't been with someone who has kinks anything similar to that so I think I'm just new to this kind of sexual ideas

    • my friends are pretty open so we talk about everything and that could be true. do some reading about it actually could help you out a bit, just what its about and all. literally can google terms you know?

    • I know the terms. The basic one at least. It's just never met anyone describe to me that way how he wants to do things with me. Yeah I'm doing my reading on these as I'm really into him haha

    • Show All

  • Your brain will justify anything.
    Your heart will flat out lie to you.
    Your gut is your best pal. Listen to it.

    • That's so accurate! I'll depend on my gut feelings more than my emotions..

    • Every time I've ever not listened to my gut feeling, I lost. Deepak Chopra laid it out pretty well. If your body is your keyboard and the housing around your computer, and you brain is the hard drive, and your mind is the operational software... who's behind the keyboard typing? He would say it's your soul. I believe that gut feeling is your soul screaming at you to listen.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 5

  • Find a new playmate. This is not going to go well for you.

  • As @boggboss said, it’s possibly linked but also only something counselling would show up.

    also from what you describe, a lot is influenced by porn and not actual BDSM.

    It is not the guy getting off on this stuff, the idea is the submissive does.

    • Really? Guys don't get pleasure from being dominant? Yes I agree, only a therapist can truly say that. I'm just overthinking haha

    • Some do some don’t, however that’s not really the idea within BDSM. For example a collar is a sign of ownership, a sub will offer or accept a collar when she is happy she can trust her Dom / Domme. It is also mutual pleasure knowing that the person you are doing things with is in her safe space living her kink. If you get nothing out of being chocked for example but really get turned on with being spanked, it is pointless chocking you. Or whatever kink you have, Discovery is about learning each other’s kinks, pleasures, limits, boundaries etc and learning to trust each other,

    • Thank you. You made me ease down a little hahah.

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  • Its possible but only a therapist would be able to diagnos that

    • I agree!

  • it could be an issue so be very careful

  • normal stuff go have fun 👍

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