Cheated on husband years ago should I confess now?

[Anonymous]

I've been married almost ten years. In my first year of marriage I cheated on my husband and never told him. Now the man I've cheated on him with has come back into the picture - we work together - and I feel so guilty I have stomach problems. The man would like to start things up again but I've told him NO. Should I confess to my husband that I strayed? It was a two month affair. To make matters worse I was a virgin until my husband and he is so happy at the fact that I'm his one and only man. He's mentioned over and over again how meaningful it is to him that he is the only man who has made love to me. Telling him this will ruin that. But I'm also afraid what the man I cheated with might do. He is still very interested in me and i would hate for him to tell my husband. What should I do?

[Red_Arrow]

During your first year of marriage you had a two month affair! Wow! Why, why, why? You had entered a marriage with a man you really love and you had not had sex with any other man in your life, yet you immediately cheated on him with another. There is no way that he can not feel devastated! And I cannot think of any reason that would have taken you there!

Years down the line, after never revealing your indiscretion, you find yourself in a position in which this affair may be revealed by another, and whether it is or is not, your life is hell having to work with him.

My suggestion is to be honest and get it in the open with your husband. And immediately the both of you should go to couples counseling. There will be many trust and anger issues that will need professional guidance to work through. I cannot say that things will work out with trust restored, or even that you will still be together. But it is something that you need to face.

As for the job, you need to get out of there. As much as you may have a lot invested in your employment, you cannot continue to be alongside this man. If your company can transfer you to another office, that would likely work. Otherwise you may need to change employers. Scary ideas, but you started the problem years ago and it has come back to haunt you. And the guy that you did this with is not even nice enough to leave you alone and prove to not be a threat to you. Bad, bad choices on your part.

[Tizzon]

Change job, change phone number, delete this person out of your life permanently.

Sometimes it is better a lie than a truth that wounds. Your relationship will never be the same if it is in the know. Remember he is going for you again because you are convenient to him. You and him had history and you guys are near each other. If he was into you, he wouldn't have left, he would have actively pursued you. So add some distance to make it inconvenient for him again.

This is why I am against sex after marriage. Everyone is sexually curious. Being sexually curious during a relationship is so damaging.

[Paris13]

It could Very well Backfire with this desire and Yes... he could Squeal like a Little Piggie in the Drop the Hot Potato Pen."
For now, don't bother with him anymore. Tell him it;s Over and that your Marriage Means too Much. , He may want you think he will Open up a Smelly can of Worms, but with no Contact, he would Need to to learn to Move on and that you are Another man's wife, not His in his Life.
Silence is Golden for now anyways. Don't Fix what doesn't Need to be Fixed at this time, unless it becomes The... Time.
In the meantime, think of a Game plan in case it Should Get messy, and by then, let us hope all is Forgotten with the Other and Forgiven with First Yourself.
Go now and Sin no More here, Dear... You have a Better shot with No going Back to him then still Being With him, Believe me.
Good luck. xx

[CheerGirl38139]

I'd ask myself what possible good it could do for HIM and your marriage (not yourself).

If you can come up with an answer asome to how that would improve HIS life or your marriage, then tell him. If you can't, then don't.

[CheerGirl38139]

Of course dude down votes. Visualise my "shocked face" right now

[hero-hero]

i am really shocked of how girls have double standards when it comes to cheating. come on , girls. you are always making fuckin noise about how guys are shit cheaters. you fucking ramble a lot about confidence , honesty and trust between couples... where are these things now !! you are telling her to lie to his face and fuckin decieve him , and you are getting her MHO for that.. lol , perfect. but u forgot that cheating is a closed circle. if you didn't tell him , he will know somehow soon or later.. cheating always comes back to bite you on the ass. that is its golden rule :) . woow what a poor husband , his entire life , his love and his whole world is built upon lies. i really wander how could you laugh to his face? seriously !! how can you look to his eyes !!

[ThisDudeHere]

I am terribly sorry but I will have to downvote.

[CheerGirl38139]

@ThisDudeHere I'm so shocked

[CheerGirl38139]

@hero-hero I don't know who the fuck you think you are scooter but you don't know me or anything about me. Cheating is a terrible thing and I wish people never did it to each other. But they do. And if the Asker had been male, and this happened a LONG time ago, my answer would have been the same. Sometimes people make really bad choices. But they learn from them. And sometimes that old saying "what they don't know can't hurt them" can be true. Not always. But sometimes. Regardless of gender. So put your ASS-umptions on someone else. This has nothing to do with which gender was the cheater for me.

[Allebana]

If you tell him it might destroy your marriage, ld suggest telling him only if you two are getting a divorce
the guy you slept with, he's not married I take it? can't you change your job or ask to be relocated at least?

[hero-hero]

that is extremely wonderful? but what about honesty and trust !!! is it fair for a good husband to live his entire life deceived !! wooow do girls really have the psychic power to deceive someone for life !! i honestly dont have that power !!!

[cinderelli]

Wtf.. how can you cheat and not even tell the poor man.. 😑😑😑😑 people like you disgust me

[hero-hero]

heeey , a fair woman is here... finally !!!

[cinderelli]

@hero-hero I don't get people around here.. when a guy cheats.. women become furious and say he has to tell her.. and guys say don't.. now when a girl cheats.. women say to keep is a secret and guys say she should tell him.. I don't know why people's judgment change when it's the opposite sex... a cheater is a cheater.. period.. and the partner deserves to know the truth what piece of shit person he/she is living with

[hero-hero]

i agree with you for sure , iam talking for myself and i dont have the double standards at all. and i never thought about telling my girl anything basicly becoz cheating is not a thing i can do , not in a million years. sooo i never had to think about it.. but of course every one deserves to know truths , to live his life in an entire lie !! that is extremely unfair !! i dont even have the nerves or the psychic power to do that !!!

[cinderelli]

@hero-hero people are such hypocrites 😑
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2090574-help-i-cheated-on-my-wife-who-is-8-months-pregnant-should-i-tell
This is the other question.. now see people being totally opposite of what they're here

[hero-hero]

well , i see most of girls are pushing him to tell her !! sure guys are divided between both.. but it is good that some guys are with telling her and right double standards are disgusting !

[cinderelli]

@hero-hero totally.. gender bias is shit

[mwin2030]

Honesty is so important in a relationship; I can’t stress this enough, especially in a situation like the one you’re describing. You absolutely should tell your husband about the affair, because just as you’ve already stated, this other man is back in the picture and he’s still interested in you and wants to start things up again. You don’t want that and you don’t want to add insult to injury by continuing to keep this a secret from your husband.

You also, as you say, don’t know what this other man is capable of doing. He might tell your husband simply out of spite because you’re going to now reject him and spurn his advances. You’ll get ahead of that if you go ahead and open up to your husband and let him know you made a mistake and you are sorry for it and you’ll have to deal with the fallout of your confession, but it will be a lot worse if you bypass this opportunity and your husband finds out later on his own.

You made a grievous mistake. You’re going to have to own that now. I can’t say how your husband is going to react to your confession of the affair, but if you don’t speak with him now and try and heal this breach of trust, there’s no telling whether or not your relationship would survive if you wait for someone else to do the deed for you.

[Ratiocinative]

Except she's not wanting to tell him to be honest, she's just wants to not get caught. Their relationship is already over because any chance for genuine honesty was over when it became about not getting caught.

[mwin2030]

@Ratiocinative : Patience is a virtue. Forgiveness is divine. And the peacemaker can be called a Child of God. Their relationship is not over, as you suggest, until they both give up and end the relationship. If they choose to forgive. If they choose love over anger and hate, then anything is possible for them. This might be a test of their faith in each other and the ability to forgive and look past the wrongs done to one or the other. To stay together and become stronger for the hardships they’ve endured.

[Ratiocinative]

Nothing you said has anything to do with divorce. Divorce doesn't mean you hate anyone, or that you haven't forgiven, it just means you're not a chump with no self respect who is going to stay in a relationship with a lying and adulterous woman. There are millions of great women out there who aren't liars or cheaters, and any man who knowingly stays with one who is has no one to blame but himself.

[mwin2030]

@Ratiocinative : Wow. Talk about judgement and seriously with the name calling. You have your own issues with women you need to work out buddy. And since that's the case I'm done with this conversation. I'm not into being closed minded like that and calling names just because someone doesn't agree with your point of view. Try and get some help for your anger issues, buddy. I won't be responding or reading this line of discussion anymore since that's not what it is not so say what you like. I'm done. Bye. End of story.

[Ratiocinative]

You cheated because you are selfish, and you are only considering telling him because you are selfish. You are afraid of getting caught, not because you want to be honest or care about your husband. If you really cared you would have told him a long time ago when it happened. I hope you do get caught and he divorces you.

[enis_Penvy]

The time to tell him was when it happened. There may have been some forgiveness in his heart then. Now I think all he would do is show you the door.

[Hot_Hotgirl]

What's the point of breaking his heart? I don't see any value of telling him. Somethings happened in the past, get over it. And this guy be super solid with him, don't be weak women.

[anonman32]

If the roles were reversed would you not want him to be honest if he cheated?

[Bernardswatch]

@anonman32 Women are hypocrites, and you know the answer to this question.

[Hot_Hotgirl]

I'm not a hypocrite. If he truly loves me and he did something in the past, I don't want to know about it. It will break my heart, and it's going to be hard for me to trust him again

[TripleAce]

Will he leave you? Do you have an idea?

[Dargil]

No, but you may have to sacrifice (look for other work) to get away from the guy.

[Bandit74]

Wow, you cheated that soon into the marriage :o
Normally the first years are the best and the later ones are whwn people start cheating.

Anyways, there's a pretty good chance this will ruin your marriage if he finds out. If you think its possible that he will NEVER find out and that you can live with the guilt then ignorance is bliss for him. However if you think he will eventually find out then sooner is better than later and its best he finds out from YOU and not the guy you cheated with.

Also is it possible for you to switch jobs so you dont see the other guy every day?

Even if your husband forgives you and agrees to stay I doubt he'd be ok with you working with the man you cheated on him with.

[Intraluminal]

Telling your husband about your affair will make you feel better in the very short run, but it will destroy your marriage and serve no other purpose.

[thewho1975]

firstly the other guy won't say anything but he's probably thinking that because you have kept it quiet you would again so he won't have any worries, i wouldn't tell your husband because I've been cheated on myself and it was only once but i honestly wish i had not found out now, its totally soul destroying and in my opinion achieves nothing! the fact you are asking what to do shows you are genuine in your regret which you have to deal with but you won't in anyway relieve that by telling your husband. i know people will disagree but im speaking from experience here!

[CheerGirl38139]

A brave post sir. Some of the other guys here should take notice. It's easy to have a dogmatic no other way around it opinion... especially when you've never been in a similar situation. Kudos to you sir. My answer to her was look for some reason that telling him would enrich HIS life, not hers. And of course guy down vote me because they THINK they'd wna to know... but most of them haven't been there done thst. Anyway, thank you for the common sense REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE answer. 👍

[thewho1975]

@CheerGirl38139 thanks for that i really appreciate it!

[johnmsk]

it was too long ago. No need to tell to ruin the marriage.. or the pride your husband is having in having you.
But be firm with the man you cheated with. Tell him directly not to approach you, and dont give him any chance. if your feelings are true and if you are true, he would have to give up.
Dont worry about what that man may say to your husband. you have no reason to worry if your marriage has no problem. Husbands normally will not believe what a guy come and say. especially if he trusts the wife :P

[TheButterfly]

If you did it, you have to live with it. You need to tell your husband. Poor guy

[TheEnd2]

Tell me if he finds out another way it will be bad. He will leave you unless he hasn't been faithful which he probably hasn't been faithful. Your marriage is over most likely either way.

[TheFlak38]

Don't tell him. It's not worth the trouble after ten years. You will throw these ten years into the trash bin.

[Decentguy]

your husband deserves to know about this

[NajemEddine]

advice from someone who know what u feel
dont let the guilt eat u
tell him
you wouldn't believe the feeling of relief

[Shawn58]

Ok im sorry but I'm going to have to agree with @fearless_banana down there.

[Marinepilot]

He may leave you.

[masterkamasutra]

many things should be always secret.

[frost1211]

i think ask your self the same question you are asking here. Would you like your husband if he cheated on you to tell you or you think it would be better if he kept it hidden

[Bernardswatch]

I like the way a lot more women than men have told you to keep this secret, it really says a lot about women in my opinion.

i think you should tell him and let him decide whether or not he wants to remain with you or divorce you. If I was me I'd remain with you but not before I even the score and get myself a side chick for a few months. 1-1, it's a score draw, let's get back to business.

[krisntina]

Wow we need to talk. Im thinking about cheating and i feel like im in a similar boat. I was a virgin too, but now im having thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I don't need to cheat my husband and I have a mutual agreement about it 😉 Maybe you guys should talk about an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you tell your husband there is a very strong chance you will destroy your marriage.
If you don't tell him you will continue to feel guilty, plus there is a chance that your co-adulterer will tell your husband, which will probably also destroy your marriage.
It all depends how your co-adulterer will react to you spurning his advances, and how your husband will react to one of (a) your admission, or (b) your co-adulterer's disclosure.
Personally (b) would hurt me more because it would pile extra humiliation on top of the utter betrayal. I am afraid I cannot see this ending well for anyone.

[Anonymous]

I really don't know what to tell you. Yiu are going to have to make that decision on your own. But whatever you decide people will he hurt. Sorry I can't help you.

[Anonymous]

Only now you feel guilty? And you were only into your first year of marriage? Why did you cheat in the first place?

[Anonymous]

You were stupid. Now live with it either way, I don't care.