Demisexual: Is it real?

Demisexuality has been the source of eye-rolling in many circles of the web.

To many, it's this label people want to attach to themselves to say that they only want to have sex with people after forming a strong bond.

Big whoop. A lot of people won't have sex with someone else until they get to know them.
They just want to feel special and pretend they're different when they're just like everyone else.

Demisexual: Is it real?

What really is Demisexuality?

Those claims are fair, because there are a lot of young, confused teenagers running around trying to find an identity. To further exaserbate the claims of Demisexuality and Asexuality, many of these teenagers create unusual and blurred terminology that gets further associated with demisexuality. These confused teenagers may cling to something without truly realizing what it is. The claim of OCD I heard a lot as a teenager is a testament to this.

But just like OCD is a real, crippling, irrational disorder that teenagers half-heartedly understand and try to idetify with, Demisexuality is a real thing that teenagers try to identify without fully understanding it.

So lets talk about what Demisexuality actually is.

You may already know that Demisexuality is the claim that one cannot become sexually interested in someone without an emotional bond.
But it may be more illuminating to say Demisexuality is not the desire to bond, but the absence of sexual interest without that bond. Further that bond takes weeks, months, or years, and is based primarily on friendship, not romance.

Demisexuals and Sex

Demisexual: Is it real?

Demisexuals may feel a romantic attraction, which is comprised of a desire to kiss, cuddle, make-out, snuggle, touch or massage (excluding genitals) but they do not feel a sexual attraction which would lead to the desire for intercourse or sexual activity with that person.

They may also have sexual urges, just like asexuals actually have sexual urges, but those urges are not directed at a person. They're directed towards a thought or activity.

In understanding demisexuality and asexuality, it's important to note that intercourse should not be confused with the desire for sexual gratification.

The difference between an Asexual and a Demisexual is that Demisexuals can feel sexual attraction for another person, but that attraction happens due to activities that many consider part of a close friendship. The relationship can evolve into a romantic one, refernced by the activities before, but it takes a lot more to have it evolve into a sexual one.

Sex without that bond is often confusing and uncomfortable for demisexuals. It may feel like they're just going through the motions. When they reflect on it, they may feel uncomfortable or bothered. Not because of the person, but rather the act itself. Often times, these feelings of discomfort are irrational unless the Demisexual knows they're Demisexual.

Sex itself may be an area that demisexuals do not understand. Just like asexuals, they do not understand how sex sells. They do not understand sexual appeal. They rarely refer to others in a sexual way. They honestly "don't get it." Sex may be something they find humorous, hard to take serious, or difficult to understand.

These cover the primary way Demisexuals approach sex.

Demisexuality vs Abstinence

Demisexual: Is it real?

One of the things that gets mixed up often is Demisexuals and Abstinence. People believe Demisexuals are just practicing abstinence. Others believe they just have standards.

This isn't true. Demisexuals are neither practicing abstinence, nor do they have higher standards. People who are abstinent or have high standards wants to engage in sexual activity but don't out of discretion. Demisexuals simply do not have a desire for sex. They're not excercising better judgement, they just don't feel a desire to have sex.

Demisexual is a made up term

Demisexual: Is it real?

The origins of demisexuality are unusual. When you consider it as a specific facet of Asexuality, confining itself in a large part to that definition, it makes sense as a valid term.

If people identify as it, and they share unique experiences, then the term has every right to be explored and defined. Especially considering sexuality has largely been shrouded up until the last half century.

A term doesn't just gain heavy recognition and identity for no reason. People have to find validity to explore something, and even more validity to justify it.

The term has validity. It has weight. But the identity has only gained recognition in the last 20 years. At some point, someone may go into the field and do studies on it after acquiring a grant. But it is largely unrecognized at the moment. (A lot of people ask "What is that?" when it is brought up)

Demisexuality is a preference

Demisexual: Is it real?

This one was largely debunked when I mentioned Demisexuality is not the same as abstinence or standards.

But I'll bring up another point. Demisexuals do not make a concious effort to become demisexuals. It is a part of their innate nature starting from childhood. Once they reach sexual awareness, demisexuals will notice a difference from themselves and the rest of society.

Sex makes them uncomfortable. They don't have a sexual desire for people around them. Not unless they've been close friends for a long time. They may fall in love. But they don't desire sex for a while, if ever. Love at first sight is a foreign concept.

It's odd being a Demisexual in a world of sexuality. You behave differently. You react differently to sex. And you become aware of that difference. If you try to change this about yourself, you find it's impossible. If you want to fit in, you can't. And some people do not understand that behavior. They can't even relate to it. It's as foreign to them as their sexuality is foreign to you.

Demisexuality: LGBT+?

Demisexual: Is it real?

So here is where a lot of issues pop up. Demisexuality and Asexuality and things of that like want to ride the coat-tails of the LGBT movement. It'd be nice to gain their level fo recognition, but honestly Demisexuality has only one thing in common with homosexuality. Our nature is innate, realized once we reach sexual awareness.

We also live in the world of allosexuals (people who feel normal sexual attraction) and sometimes we are treated as though we should change. But we do not suffer oppression on nearly the same level.

Our fight and our recognition is different, and I believe we really would detract from the importance of their issues. It's better to be separate.

Demisexuality isn't an orientation

Demisexual: Is it real?

This one is true. Demisexuality isn't an orientation. It is an aspect of sexuality. It could have been coined in a lot less confusing manner.

Demisexuals also are hetero, homo, bi or pan. The term demisexual itself isn't misleading. Again, it deals with an aspect of sexuality, just like Asexuals. But it's confusing when lumped with those other terms.

Demisexuality is an unhealthy label
Demisexual: Is it real?

Actually, it isn't. Demisexuality is a way to communicate a shared experience. It explains an important concept that defines a lot of who a person is and why they behave the way they do.

Before I found the term late in my 20s, I felt isolated from society. I didn't approach sex like most people. I actually was turned off by sex. I felt like a unique snowflake; and it sucked. Because being a unique little snowflake actually isn't a happy experience, it's an isolating and numbing one.
Fortunately, I did meet a couple more demisexuals, and it helped me to identify those behaviors and experiences and finally communicate them with people who understood. It assured me that while unusual, I wasn't abnormal. I wasn't unique. I was similar to a number of people.

I stopped trying to fight it. I stopped giving in to sex right away because I thought it was necessary or normal. I'm happier for it.

I also stopped believing I could change it. I started to realize that people who like sex also innately enjoy it and want it. I stopped projecting. I became far more accepting and understanding of people who do like sex.

Conclusion

Demisexuality is real. I feel I'm living proof of that. I have no desire to be special or unique more than anyone else my age. I exhibitted my behaviors before Demisexual was coined. I didn't adhere to fit the label, the label simply fit me when I found it.I didn't have a special or abusive childhood to make me this way.

I don't deny that people have OCD because teenagers are going around saying they have it. That's silly. I also don't pretend something is false because it's gaining popularity. Or because it's frequently seen on tumblr (a site I never visit).

It's weird to me that the validity of a term is based on who talks about it, not the actual, rational exploration of the concept itself.

Ask me anything. I'll do my best to answer.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow it's weird but I felt myself as I was reading this.. I've always felt like a weird guy because I don't really feel sexual attraction unless it's with someone I feel a really close connection with. This is super rare for me. I've only experienced it once or twice in my life and unfortunately they didn't lead to anything. I don't feel sexual attraction outside of that.

    Women who I've flirted with or kind of dated in the past have told me that I hit on them in a very unique way that they aren't accustomed to from guys. At first they thought it was strange. There have been women who have heavily pressured me into sex in the past and I didn't feel ready for it. I didn't feel a connection. It felt off and wrong. I've rejected quite a lot of people. The only person I've ever had sex with was an ex when we were still together. I didn't know how different I was from most guys then. She would cry around me and say she felt undesirable. I think I put her through a lot of heartache. I would have sex because I felt guilty. I cared about her so I didn't want her to feel undesirable even if I didn't feel that connection. Because I've never had sex with a woman that I've felt a connection with, I've never had an enjoyable sexual experience in my life.

    Growing up I always felt off like there was something wrong with me. A lot of it was based on stereotypes like men are supposed to be the dominant sexual aggressors and I had never felt that way about anyone. It used to make me feel pretty lonely. My friends used to think I was gay because I had desirable women chasing me but I never reciprocated. Some still have their suspicions.. I'm definitely not gay but I can't say I'm a standard sexual guy. I'm quite sure I'll find that connection with someone someday. It wouldn't bother me if it didn't happen though. I can't miss what I normally don't desire 😜✌🏻️

    I friend zone the shit out of so many women. I'm definitely a heartbreaker. I think I've caused quite a few women undeserved stress. I don't show affection in a traditional way and it can be confusing for a lot of women. The women I did feel a connection with weren't interested for this reason. Even with a woman I feel a connection with, it takes a long time until I'm ready for sex. I like to build up trust in a more friendship way at first which is super confusing for women too lol..

    Anyway thanks for this mytake. I used to think I was asexual but now I have a better word for it.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Yep. I actually thought I was asexual for the longest time because I had literally no sexual attraction to anyone. I can tell if someone is good looking but that's where it stops. Trying to fantasize about someone I don't have a connection with is weird and off-putting (which is why I don't even try to do it lol). Sex in a general sense has never really made me uncomfortable, I just haven't felt anything towards it. I've been neutral. But sex with a specific person, despite this person being insanely attractive, does make me uncomfortable if I haven't known him for a long time.

    • how do you distinguish this from being just a preference to being a demisexual person?

    • @pavlove because a preference isn't set in stone. I could say "I prefer guys with brown hair" but end up falling in love with a blonde guy instead. I NEED that connection. It's a must. There are no ifs or buts or maybes. If I don't have that connection, then there's no way in hell I'm getting in the mood. And like I said, it got to the point of me contemplating whether I'm actually asexual, because I had felt 0 sexual attraction towards ANY guy before I was able to form a real connection with one of my long time friends.

    • @lumos I understand it's just a lot of girls have a difficult time feeling enough attraction to reach orgasm with a guy they don't have a real connection with so I was trying to see what the difference but I think the feeling 0 sexual attraction or arousal at all is the difference maker

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9 17
  • I wanted to, now in the aftermath, just thank you for this mytake :)
    I'm relatively new to the labels and new to the need to find like-minded people; but I identify as a sex-positive demisexual. I just never talk about it.

    I've done as many others; been married, had kids and have had sex with partners because "you're supposed to". With time it became obligation because your partner needed it, and resentment towards the relationship grew because of actions being demanded and or expected, even when my need wasn't there.

    Almost 4 years ago, I divorced my second husband and did a thorough self-evaluation, self check on my take on relationships, then healing and self-improvement to not bring old into new relations.
    I got into a D/s relationship - as a demi like me never should - but it came naturally and it was amazing. Being sex-positive is easier in this regard <3 It's the aftermath that hits you. The emotional bond that continues to be there despite the end of the dynamic.
    So. Get to actually listening to myself, I find dating to be so much harder and I truly don't get how it's ever going to happen some days. I find people attractive (and utterly beautiful) by appreciating minds and passions; however I'm not interested sexually and cannot refer to anyone in a sexual manner unless I have a bond or a previous experience with that person. I don't know them enough. I'm sex-positive when it's in a deep connection/relation but I'm also having another preference as "sapiosexual", so I literally *need/want* to know the person and connect deeper PLUS connect intellectually.

    Longing vs being uninterested/unsure crashes my brain at times.

    Many consider me their best friend and I only have one "best friend". I talk to strangers constantly, am successful in my career, I love helping people, and not at all socially awkward. I just never go from A to B.

    I gather it is because people expect a friend-with-benefits out of sexual need, and I want deep connection before sexual need even becomes a thing for me. And not all deep connections are romantic or sexual either, of course.
    New relationships, however, are tougher because if sexual advances come too early, it's an immediate turn off for me and it's ruined. I won't, and really can't, go further. It becomes both a physical, mental and emotional hinder of sorts.

    Don't know if you recognize this per say, the umbrella term is wide enough for the both of us, just truly wanted to say Thank You <3

  • Honestly this is a fairly new term for me. I've never heard of it before a few days ago, and now that I learn more about it.. it really hits home.

    I have never felt a sexual attraction to anyone other than my partner that I have now. And even now, I still don't look at him and be like "wow I want to have sex with you" it's more like "wow you are so handsome and amazing looking". I can't look at someone and want to have sex with them.

    But the thing is, I enjoy sex. I enjoy it a lot actually. It's definitely pleasurable, and I love to have it in my relationship. The problem is that I can never get going. I have a really hard time activating my sex drive because I don't get sexually attracted by looking at things. I never get in the mood on my own. I can read romance novels and the thoughts and ideas will get me turned on, but not by actual physical aspects. It's always about the thought behind it and never about the appearance.

    I've had sex with one other person and we were not close at all (pressured into it, really) and I was extremely uncomfortable and turned off. I didn't enjoy it at all. And it could be for a multitude of reasons other than me being a demisexual, but I feel like that has huge factor.

    I'm still hesitant to slap that label on me, but I feel so much better knowing that there are people that feel the way I do.

    The only weird thing for me is that I found my love very quickly. We formed our bond very, very quickly. And in the beginning of our relationship (we felt very very close almost immediately) we wanted to have sex a lot. But it still wasn't about looks, it was about the ideas behind it and the feelings behind it and it felt good, of course. But, I don't know, I thought that this is weird for a demisexual to do? My sex life has really been tuned down after that initial rush of feelings died down. I feel like maybe the new feelings were exciting to me, but now that the rush is gone my sex interest has really fallen flat... even though it's still really enjoyable and he's really attentive and wonderful at it, I just can't get in the mood to do it very often. I find him really good looking, but I don't ever get turned on just by looking. That's why I can never relate to people who want to have sex without a relationship because it just seems so foreign to me.

    I don't know, any opinions on my experience?

    • I also really love to cuddle and kiss, but it does nothing sexual for me. That's why I have a hard time understanding when my partner gets going because of cuddling or kissing since I just don't feel it. And I've felt so bad and so guilty and insecure about myself, b ecause what the f is wrong with me? Like why don't I feel those feelings like normal people do? Am I doing something wrong? But I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I can't help the way my body reacts (rather, lack of reacts). But i love the feeling of being close to my partner. I love, love, love it. It feels so wonderful. But it doesn't do anything for me in that way. And my partner often times has to do a lot of work if he wants to have sex, and I normally feel horrible but I just can't help it... like he has to do a looooooot of touching and rubbing to get the tingles starting. It helps me get into the thoughts and feelings and gets me in the mood to want to have sex.

    • Reading your experience, I relate 100%. There's a big misconception that demisexuals can't get aroused unless they bond. Or that the abstract concept of sex isn't enticing. It has everything to do with how close you feel to the person you're about to have sex with. How bonded you feel in that moment. That is what makes us want to engage in intercourse with them. A sense that our wants and needs will be met, not just sexually. Kissing, snuggling, cuddling, making out and a little bit of groping/massaging is nice. But that falls under a romantic attraction, which demisexuals experience independently. It isn't sexual attraction, which is the drive to engage in sexual activities with a partner. Every relationship is different. Sometimes demisexuals bond rapidly with a person. Sometimes it takes weeks, a months or even a year. It depends on the demisexual. And sometimes we want to engage in sex a lot during that bonding period. It happens.

    • Very interesting. Thanks for sharing your experience

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  • I consider myself to be demisexual. I don't usually bother to identify myself that way, because the label doesn't affect my outward behavior and I don't feel any need to proclaim my feelings about sex to the world. But when I heard about demisexuality, I realized that it fits me. I'm a very sexual person, on the whole. But my attraction to other individuals is very limited. I've always been the one person in my group of friends who wasn't constantly going "Oooo, he's so hot!' That kind of thought process just doesn't happen for me, aside from objective acknowledgements that a person technically has attractive features. I always thought there was something different about me in that way. So it was very interesting to find out that there are other people like that and that it is actually considered its own sexual orientation.

    • This. Exactly this.

  • Very interresting take on a topic very few care about. As a guy that wonders what the hell guys are yapping about when they talk about how they want that girl, and whatnot. I can understand and appreciate beauty, but i have zero interest in being sexual. And forcing it (on any level) feels... well, forced.

    One thing i miss is the debate regarding levels of demisexuality. This primarily regards when the mental blocks are, and how long they take to break them. As you said, it can take anything from a week or two, to years for a demisexual to know an other person enough to feel that carnal desire. It's important to understand just that fact. There's no set time regarding how long it takes.
    As for the "levels of demisexuality," that refers to the extent of it. How well you need to know the person. Do you need to fully know him/her inside and out, or is it enough to just know him?

    It'd help people that are wondering about it. But now i'm being picky. Very good take, on a topic with way too little information

    • Well, one piece of information at a time. That's really something each demisexual has to find out for themselves anyways. But it is an important step in the process. Also determining if you're a Gray-Asexual or aDemisexual is good. It can be a confusing line.

    • i was more aiming for the teenage problem "why don't my dick assume total override when a good looking girl is there? Am i gay or something?" and similar questions. Help em understand that such may not be the case. I just simply wanted a small paragraph making it clear that demisexuality isn't fixed. Help people figure out that for some it's "stronger" than others. To avoid confusion

    • That's a good point. I'll have to add it next time I talk about demisexuality.

  • Pretty much every female is demisexual, then. The way the vast majority of females measure which male is sufficient for the risk of losing 9 months of mating time is by who they love. That means a strong bond is necessary for the majority of females. Meaning the majority of females are demisexual.

    The difference is that the only true measurement of demisexuality and asexuality is defined by--as you alluded to somewhat--people who say that that is what they are. There is no scientific basis for it. Well, where asexuality is concerned. I haven't looked up studies on demisexuality, but I'm going to assume there is no scientific basis for it. If anyone is curious to combat that assumption, they can look it up themselves. I don't care enough to research it. As you stated, perhaps at some point people will do studies on it.

    I would be curious as to your sexual history. Have you had sex, before? With how many women? In my view, since you are male, you should have significantly lower standards than women. Sex is low risk to males. We have an infinite amount of sperm, so we lose nothing from banging as many females as possible--instinctually. Yes, there are risks cognizantly. STDs, finances of pregnancy/child support, etc. And that might influence someone to make a conscious decision to avoid sex; however, they will still have the instinctual desire to fuck the shit out of every attractive woman there is. Men can have sex with or without love; whereas, to women, love is measurement of male value contrasted with the value of her eggs--IOW, completely necessary to have sex.

    Generalizing human behavior is difficult, yes: there are always exceptions. However, there is a general rule. All humans naturally have hands, for instance. Some may be born without them, but the general rule is true.

    So. I think that males change themselves in various ways in order to maximize potential sexual partners. If someone listens to females and, really, society, they will most certainly form an idea that "you should only have sex with someone you love deeply." I think that is a societal influence, not a natural thing.

    But. End of the day. One is defined, as I said, by their own definition, with no scientific backing.

    Though, I have heard people say demisexual was an orientation. I agree that it isn't.

    • Hmmmmm. Don't think you quiet know females like I do. Also you might be confusing love with comfort. Most people who have sex do want to at least be comfortable with their partner. But not every single one. Of course, if you're uncomfortable that just kinda kills the mood. Love and comfort aren't the same though. And love and a bond, while similar, are also not the same. Plus, plenty of women will have sex before they ever hear the words "I love you" or it's a thought in their mind. I've explained this repeatedly, but Demisexuality is Asexuality. Demisexuals, however, find that they gain sexual attraction for a partner when a bond is met. But up until that discovery, you're basically an Asexual, maybe a Gray-Asexual. The only thing you can do is speculate you might be a demisexual until then.

    • As for Asexuality itself, there are plenty of social studies and science done on it. Wikipedia brings up a small source of information, with links back to scholarly articles published in academia. But even the articles I find often mention how little research has been done on it. As for my sexual history? I'm not sure what you're looking for. When I was little, I actually didn't like sex. I didn't really see what the fascination was. A lot of guys around me seemed to take an interest. Especially in my family. I just didn't get it though. Even some of the women I met seemed to be more interested in it than I was. I met a cute Asian girl who wanted to go farther than making out. But I didn't. She thought I was kinda a prude. It didn't really phase me, I didn't think it was a bad thing.

    • I remember being completely infatuated with a girl I wanted to be with, but I had no desire for sex with her. That was confusing. I've had a few partners. Could count them on one hand. There was only one that I was ever sexually attracted to. I was pretty comfortable with her. The others, it always just felt like I was going through the motions. Doing what I had learned pleases your partner the most. I wasn't really into the sex. It felt good, but I felt like I'd have more fun doing something else. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely cared about them. I was attracted to them. They were attractive by my standards. I've never had sex with someone I didn't think was attractive. But sexual attraction isn't the same as romantic or aesthetic attraction, and I don't think you realize that til you're Asexual.

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  • Good to know :), I really wasn't to familiar with the term but your wrote this really well. Always good to be educated, right? Esprecially when it comes to people.

    • Glad to hear it! I want people to be educated on the experience and what someone who identifies as a demisexual may be going through.

  • Interesting take

    I don't know for me I have never had an orgasm during sex, EVER. I thought i wanted to have sex with the guys. Then we did it and I felt nothing at all. most of the time I wish they would stop touching me. Which I never had true emotional strong feelings for those guys as well. Again I thought i did but ended up I didn't. Even now if it's a guy I don't truly trust and truly love. I couldn't give any two shits about having sex with them. They would mean nothing to me and it would be boring as hell.

    So even in the past when I tried to enjoy it with the dudes I was with. It never happened and I never truly liked it at all.

    I had never given myself any kind of label due to it. Just figured since I have adhd it's easy to not give 2 shits about majority of anyone. So I wouldn't focus on them during sex at all or the experience. Since i never truly cared about them.

    • Look into the AVEN network and research Asexuality and Demisexuality and Gray Asexuality. Maybe you're any one of those things. Sexuality is fluid, so it's good to know these things and ask yourself.

    • I don't really care what I am. Just know I can't fuck anyone I don't have an emotional or physical bond with that is really strong. Other wise sex is shit.

  • Nice take! Support to a Demi bro from an ace bro

  • Demisexuality is merely fear of taking things to their logical conclusion, thus the desire to take sex all the way is suppressed. Whatever is causing the suppression is, from the individual's point of view, too powerful a block for them to get their urges back from it. A near-impenetrable defense mechanism in the brain that makes sexual desire unattainable.

    Fortunately, I have a much simpler explanation for why I don't/can't put out other than abstinence for moral reasons:

    Too much C-PTSD from past relationships. I need a gal that can point me forward to a good future I've never seen before.

    Any that would seek to play the same games and drag me down the same avenues where I'm already haunted by the memories of past pains will not fix me. It will only get my guard up. Fear and bitterness can absolutely kill your sexual potential.

    • Fear has nothing to do with it. I'm not a virgin, and not every demisexual is. Not every asexual is either. Allow me to fill you in on what led me to the realization that demisexuality is innate, unchangeable, just like your heterosexual nature is innate. Firstly, I attempted a casual relationship. I don't believe a casual relationship is wrong or immoral. The woman I had casual sex with I did go all the way, and she was pretty by my standards. She also wasn't my first. But it's just going through the motions. There is no desire or actual want to have sex. I'm not afraid of sex. Sex doesn't scare me. I have researched female anatomy and the female orgasm. I have every desire to please the partner I'm with in bed. But it's about their pleasure, not mine. Which can kinda kill the mood if I'm obviously not into it. Genitals don't do anything for me. I can't look at a random gorgeous woman, naked, spread eagle and feel sexually aroused.

    • And yes, I'm heterosexual. Dudes do even less for me. I can attempt casual sex. It's not scary. I just don't feel "turned on." Sure, just like in any case where you're getting physically stimulated your body reacts, but the drive, desire, and deeper pleasure is absent. If anything it's just mildly stressful, uncomfortable, and robotic. The only upside is you get an orgasm out of it. But it's a pretty empty orgasm. Honestly, I don't really "get" porn or sex. There's definitely no fear or cynicism. I actually really want a relationship with someone that involves sex. And I enjoy the company and friendship of a lot of women. Demisexuality is not exactly logical or rational. It just simply is. I apologize because it isn't the easiest to explain. Feel free to ask questions though. It sucks your past relationships have been toxic for you. I hope you find someone who can restore your sense of self in relationships. You really have to work on healing, and I hope you achieve that.

    • Overexposure can destroy sexual potential as well. I read somewhere that "too much porn is giving men a limp noodle." It sounds to me like, for whatever reason, you just have very low libido and are high on other types of love. Then again, this doesn't have to be seen as a bad thing. Perhaps being married and having lots of children with a happy wife is not what you're called to do in this life. If so, skip the sex and find out what your true calling is.

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  • im just fascinated by all this, just being honest. after a four yr soulmate breakup, i looked into 'why did i not feel sexually attracted to him anymore?' I ran into the subject or asexuality. never heard of it. read more and more and then ran over 'demisexuals' and from there, i went back to how i dated in past. i made guys chat for 2 weeks before we would even meet. if sex got involved? i did it just bc i 'thought' thats how things worked or i played along in hopes that guy would keep liking me. but, the sex act?, i never got really aroused by it or faked orgasm.

    demisexuality is def not a prefrence, i never choosed 'not getting aroused lol even if some were good looking more than others. im demisexual/asexual bc i love a great connection, emotional support as if he really cares but sex part? no thanks, not interested. im all about great conversation u can have for hours without getting bored. stimulate my mind... not my vagina LOL

  • Im demisexual and it is real. I went to all girls school for 10 years so I thought I was lesbian because I was not sexually attracted to boys. Though I never did anything with a girl and not even kissed a female friend or classmate. My High School turned college friends joked a lot that I was a "wood" because I never or rarely had crush. I rarely had crushes (like only 1 guy once every 2-3 years) and when I did, they were all very strong feelings like I can't sleep.
    Being demisexual is like seeing ALL men in friend zone, and yes that includes good looking men. It is like I can't feel the existence of my vagina when Im around men.

    • With demisexual, it is not just not being interested in sex, I am also NOT interested to make out with anyone even with hot good looking men. When I watch porn, I look at the actual pounding and I ignore the people's faces.

  • Demisexuality sounds like a bunch of bullshit.

    I'm wondering how they came up with that prefix?

    • Good question.

      I'm happy to answer.

      However, before I do, tell me what do you know about Asexuality?
      If you don't know much, then might I suggest a quick digestion of information from Wikipedia.
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

    • Think of it like this. If someone can be attracted to the opposite gender (homosexual) and someone can be attracted to both genders (bisexual) why is not possible to believe people exist that are attracted to no genders (asexual).

      This concept of a fourth orientation is rather new.

      In order to understand Asexuality, you have to have knowledge of what Asexuals experience throughout their lifetime.
      Begin by wrapping your head around Asexuality.
      Also consider the Kinsey Scale.
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

      The Kinsey Scale suggests that a person's sexual orientation grows as they become more sexually aware. That someone can be "kind of" gay. Or "mostly bisexual." It's been well proven that some bisexuals prefer one gender more than the other, but still like both.

      You wrap your head around those concepts and then I'll explain how Demisexuality falls into that.

    • Yeah I already know what asexuality is, snails have been asexual as long as I remember. So what's demisexuality?

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  • I thin that it is normal and a beautiful thing as well. I think that it is the biblical way to live. I am a heterosexual but I am also demisexual and heteroromantic. I am not really all about other letters and made up bullshit.

    But I feel like the Christians can start a movement with this. This is how things should be waiting until marriage to have sex.

    Sexual feelings and romantic feelings are two different things. You can have one without the other much like empathy and sympathy. They can coincide but not always

  • Nice myTake. I enjoyed this.

    • Thanks!

  • Demisexual is not real, neither is pansexual... their is no scientific prove otherwise. And Demisexual , is just beyond dumb, needing to feel emotional connection isn't a sexuality but how humans work in general. Asexual also has to do with two things hormonal imbalance or an occurrence that made sex seem unimportant or scary. Science hasn't proven these , they just aren't real.

    • Science is a fascinating thing. There's a lot of stuff about the human brain we don't know. Demisexuality, if you don't know, falls under Asexuality. Asexuality as an orientation and field of scientific research is still relatively new. Scientists have a lot of phenomenon and fields and categories to explore. Scientists have a large range of subjects they specialize in, from everything in the body to outside it, to our brains and society and behaviors as individuals, all the way into our very universe. Mysteries we've been researching for millions of years and still don't know. Only lately has the stigma on non-binary orientation been lifted, allowing people to explore and study it all. If you follow the logical realization behind all this, you'll realize that scientists willing and open to studying these scientifically are still emerging. That it's a new field, and may not pay as well. That grants may not be as readily available yet.

    • Yea, actually we know a lot it's called nueroscience. and nueroscience has said it just ain't real. Granted they are supposed to look into wether one is born gay or not or with a set sexuality. kinda like how nueroscience just fully debunked the whole " born in the wrong body or I have the brain of the opposite sex ". Yea, no such thing as a full male or female brain or gendered brain. And asexual isn't new, been around for a while now. Also, keep in mind asexual also refers to species who can self reproduce without intercourse.

    • The lexicon itself is still evolving. The definition has been made a lot more concrete recently, but kids do still get a hold of it. They also get a hold of OCD and use that sparingly. That still isn't a fair case against OCD though. Again, it's new. People are only now becoming open to the idea of different orientations and gender identities. Hence the emergence and wave of this phenomenon. Science's job isn't to make things real. It's to disprove things that are not real. That's how science works. That's the whole point of the scientific method. I do hope you understand that. So science aside, lets talk about asexuality. It very well may be a hormonal imbalance, or a neurological oddity in the brain. That doesn't make it no longer real. As well, have you researched what an asexual experiences? It may not be anything like what you think. Between hearing about asexuality and actually researching it, I had a ton of misconceptions.

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  • ""Demisexuals may feel a romantic attraction, which is comprised of a desire to kiss, cuddle, make-out, snuggle, touch or massage (excluding genitals) but they do not feel a sexual attraction which would lead to the desire for intercourse or sexual activity with that person.""

    That just means they're uncomfortable with the idea of sexuality or just generally scared of it and therefore temporarily uninterested. If the idea of having sex paralyzes you with fear and you have all kinds of moral gateways to go through before you're willing to consider the possibility, of course you will "not be aroused".

    I would be curious to see what they do under the influence of alcohol.

    • I've been intoxicated with a girl, making out on her bed. She wanted to have sex. I still didn't. I went over the idea of "It's a fear thing" with another user who had the same point. I have no moral convictions stopping me from having sex. I actually think sex is healthy and fine. Important, even, if you have the urges to perform sex. And I actually do. I am all for sex, and sex is something I want to take part in. But I don't want to be disinterested, just going through the motions for my partner. No moral gateways. No fear of sex. Just disinterested in sexual intercourse. Demisexuality isn't simply the desire to have sex after a bond, it's the absence of interest and desire when that bond isn't there. That's how you know you're actually demisexual. There's no fear when performing. No major anxiety. I can perform fine. I just don't really feel comfortable or interested. Imagine watching a TV show with a friend. Your friend is super into it, but you're just not. It's awkward.

    • If every time you stepped up to the plate to perform you were faking it or not really aroused in your head, it'd be dissatisfying. No matter how hot the woman is, or how great of a person she is, I just don't feel into it. Not unless we've bonded. That bond is probably the trickiest thing to define too. It might be different per person. But vulnerability is a key element of any bonding. If you feel you can be vulnerable with that person, you probably feel bonded. That bond triggers your sexual attraction to that person. Not the desire to have sex, but the desire to have sex with THAT person. It's an interesting experience. And if you haven't experienced it, the only thing you can go off of is an attempt at empathy. Just like I don't understand the fascination with people's genitals and sexual intercourse itself or for it's own sake. Or how sex can sell. I actually don't feel the same appeal for it others seem to.

  • I still think it's just another unnecessary label.

  • Thanks, it's pretty much just an adjective to describe a certain way people are. I think people are just bothered by the term because it sounds like an orientation when it isn't. I often believe this is what I am, although sometimes I do just wonder if I just have incredibly high standards combined with introversion instead.

    • Sort of. If you take some time to learn about Asexuality, you'll realize that Demisexuality falls under the Ace Umbrella. Demisexuals are Asexuals who have found that they can become sexually interested in a partner based on the relationship they have. But until then, there's an absence of sexual desire for a partner. If you want to figure it out, learn about what Asexuality really is. Learn what Asexuals really experience. I really don't have a guide to help you to figure it out. I figured it out after researching it, and realizing how often I had no desire for sexual intercourse, even during a heavy makeout session with a partner. Even if I was turned on, having sex just had no appeal. And that is a confusing thing. I often just forced myself to have sex because I didn't understand any of it. If I'm turned on, I should want sex, so why didn't I? Like, wth. I finally started looking for answers. I found I'm not the only one who experiences this. And that was a good feeling.

  • I think @lumos is a demisexual as well

    • Yup.

  • Who cares? I mean, my PC is highlighting demisexual as a misspelled word, so I guess that's an indicator... :D

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