Demisexual: Is it real?

[SomeOtherGuy]

Demisexuality has been the source of eye-rolling in many circles of the web.

To many, it's this label people want to attach to themselves to say that they only want to have sex with people after forming a strong bond.

Big whoop. A lot of people won't have sex with someone else until they get to know them.
They just want to feel special and pretend they're different when they're just like everyone else.

What really is Demisexuality?

Those claims are fair, because there are a lot of young, confused teenagers running around trying to find an identity. To further exaserbate the claims of Demisexuality and Asexuality, many of these teenagers create unusual and blurred terminology that gets further associated with demisexuality. These confused teenagers may cling to something without truly realizing what it is. The claim of OCD I heard a lot as a teenager is a testament to this.

But just like OCD is a real, crippling, irrational disorder that teenagers half-heartedly understand and try to idetify with, Demisexuality is a real thing that teenagers try to identify without fully understanding it.

So lets talk about what Demisexuality actually is.

You may already know that Demisexuality is the claim that one cannot become sexually interested in someone without an emotional bond.
But it may be more illuminating to say Demisexuality is not the desire to bond, but the absence of sexual interest without that bond. Further that bond takes weeks, months, or years, and is based primarily on friendship, not romance.

Demisexuals and Sex

Demisexuals may feel a romantic attraction, which is comprised of a desire to kiss, cuddle, make-out, snuggle, touch or massage (excluding genitals) but they do not feel a sexual attraction which would lead to the desire for intercourse or sexual activity with that person.

They may also have sexual urges, just like asexuals actually have sexual urges, but those urges are not directed at a person. They're directed towards a thought or activity.

In understanding demisexuality and asexuality, it's important to note that intercourse should not be confused with the desire for sexual gratification.

The difference between an Asexual and a Demisexual is that Demisexuals can feel sexual attraction for another person, but that attraction happens due to activities that many consider part of a close friendship. The relationship can evolve into a romantic one, refernced by the activities before, but it takes a lot more to have it evolve into a sexual one.

Sex without that bond is often confusing and uncomfortable for demisexuals. It may feel like they're just going through the motions. When they reflect on it, they may feel uncomfortable or bothered. Not because of the person, but rather the act itself. Often times, these feelings of discomfort are irrational unless the Demisexual knows they're Demisexual.

Sex itself may be an area that demisexuals do not understand. Just like asexuals, they do not understand how sex sells. They do not understand sexual appeal. They rarely refer to others in a sexual way. They honestly "don't get it." Sex may be something they find humorous, hard to take serious, or difficult to understand.

These cover the primary way Demisexuals approach sex.

Demisexuality vs Abstinence

One of the things that gets mixed up often is Demisexuals and Abstinence. People believe Demisexuals are just practicing abstinence. Others believe they just have standards.

This isn't true. Demisexuals are neither practicing abstinence, nor do they have higher standards. People who are abstinent or have high standards wants to engage in sexual activity but don't out of discretion. Demisexuals simply do not have a desire for sex. They're not excercising better judgement, they just don't feel a desire to have sex.

Demisexual is a made up term

The origins of demisexuality are unusual. When you consider it as a specific facet of Asexuality, confining itself in a large part to that definition, it makes sense as a valid term.

If people identify as it, and they share unique experiences, then the term has every right to be explored and defined. Especially considering sexuality has largely been shrouded up until the last half century.

A term doesn't just gain heavy recognition and identity for no reason. People have to find validity to explore something, and even more validity to justify it.

The term has validity. It has weight. But the identity has only gained recognition in the last 20 years. At some point, someone may go into the field and do studies on it after acquiring a grant. But it is largely unrecognized at the moment. (A lot of people ask "What is that?" when it is brought up)

Demisexuality is a preference

This one was largely debunked when I mentioned Demisexuality is not the same as abstinence or standards.

But I'll bring up another point. Demisexuals do not make a concious effort to become demisexuals. It is a part of their innate nature starting from childhood. Once they reach sexual awareness, demisexuals will notice a difference from themselves and the rest of society.

Sex makes them uncomfortable. They don't have a sexual desire for people around them. Not unless they've been close friends for a long time. They may fall in love. But they don't desire sex for a while, if ever. Love at first sight is a foreign concept.

It's odd being a Demisexual in a world of sexuality. You behave differently. You react differently to sex. And you become aware of that difference. If you try to change this about yourself, you find it's impossible. If you want to fit in, you can't. And some people do not understand that behavior. They can't even relate to it. It's as foreign to them as their sexuality is foreign to you.

Demisexuality: LGBT+?

So here is where a lot of issues pop up. Demisexuality and Asexuality and things of that like want to ride the coat-tails of the LGBT movement. It'd be nice to gain their level fo recognition, but honestly Demisexuality has only one thing in common with homosexuality. Our nature is innate, realized once we reach sexual awareness.

We also live in the world of allosexuals (people who feel normal sexual attraction) and sometimes we are treated as though we should change. But we do not suffer oppression on nearly the same level.

Our fight and our recognition is different, and I believe we really would detract from the importance of their issues. It's better to be separate.

Demisexuality isn't an orientation

This one is true. Demisexuality isn't an orientation. It is an aspect of sexuality. It could have been coined in a lot less confusing manner.

Demisexuals also are hetero, homo, bi or pan. The term demisexual itself isn't misleading. Again, it deals with an aspect of sexuality, just like Asexuals. But it's confusing when lumped with those other terms.

Demisexuality is an unhealthy label

Actually, it isn't. Demisexuality is a way to communicate a shared experience. It explains an important concept that defines a lot of who a person is and why they behave the way they do.

Before I found the term late in my 20s, I felt isolated from society. I didn't approach sex like most people. I actually was turned off by sex. I felt like a unique snowflake; and it sucked. Because being a unique little snowflake actually isn't a happy experience, it's an isolating and numbing one.
Fortunately, I did meet a couple more demisexuals, and it helped me to identify those behaviors and experiences and finally communicate them with people who understood. It assured me that while unusual, I wasn't abnormal. I wasn't unique. I was similar to a number of people.

I stopped trying to fight it. I stopped giving in to sex right away because I thought it was necessary or normal. I'm happier for it.

I also stopped believing I could change it. I started to realize that people who like sex also innately enjoy it and want it. I stopped projecting. I became far more accepting and understanding of people who do like sex.

Conclusion

Demisexuality is real. I feel I'm living proof of that. I have no desire to be special or unique more than anyone else my age. I exhibitted my behaviors before Demisexual was coined. I didn't adhere to fit the label, the label simply fit me when I found it.I didn't have a special or abusive childhood to make me this way.

I don't deny that people have OCD because teenagers are going around saying they have it. That's silly. I also don't pretend something is false because it's gaining popularity. Or because it's frequently seen on tumblr (a site I never visit).

It's weird to me that the validity of a term is based on who talks about it, not the actual, rational exploration of the concept itself.

Ask me anything. I'll do my best to answer.

[RedThread]

Wow it's weird but I felt myself as I was reading this.. I've always felt like a weird guy because I don't really feel sexual attraction unless it's with someone I feel a really close connection with. This is super rare for me. I've only experienced it once or twice in my life and unfortunately they didn't lead to anything. I don't feel sexual attraction outside of that.

Women who I've flirted with or kind of dated in the past have told me that I hit on them in a very unique way that they aren't accustomed to from guys. At first they thought it was strange. There have been women who have heavily pressured me into sex in the past and I didn't feel ready for it. I didn't feel a connection. It felt off and wrong. I've rejected quite a lot of people. The only person I've ever had sex with was an ex when we were still together. I didn't know how different I was from most guys then. She would cry around me and say she felt undesirable. I think I put her through a lot of heartache. I would have sex because I felt guilty. I cared about her so I didn't want her to feel undesirable even if I didn't feel that connection. Because I've never had sex with a woman that I've felt a connection with, I've never had an enjoyable sexual experience in my life.

Growing up I always felt off like there was something wrong with me. A lot of it was based on stereotypes like men are supposed to be the dominant sexual aggressors and I had never felt that way about anyone. It used to make me feel pretty lonely. My friends used to think I was gay because I had desirable women chasing me but I never reciprocated. Some still have their suspicions.. I'm definitely not gay but I can't say I'm a standard sexual guy. I'm quite sure I'll find that connection with someone someday. It wouldn't bother me if it didn't happen though. I can't miss what I normally don't desire 😜✌🏻️

I friend zone the shit out of so many women. I'm definitely a heartbreaker. I think I've caused quite a few women undeserved stress. I don't show affection in a traditional way and it can be confusing for a lot of women. The women I did feel a connection with weren't interested for this reason. Even with a woman I feel a connection with, it takes a long time until I'm ready for sex. I like to build up trust in a more friendship way at first which is super confusing for women too lol..

Anyway thanks for this mytake. I used to think I was asexual but now I have a better word for it.

[lumos]

Yep. I actually thought I was asexual for the longest time because I had literally no sexual attraction to anyone. I can tell if someone is good looking but that's where it stops. Trying to fantasize about someone I don't have a connection with is weird and off-putting (which is why I don't even try to do it lol). Sex in a general sense has never really made me uncomfortable, I just haven't felt anything towards it. I've been neutral. But sex with a specific person, despite this person being insanely attractive, does make me uncomfortable if I haven't known him for a long time.

[pavlove]

how do you distinguish this from being just a preference to being a demisexual person?

[lumos]

@pavlove because a preference isn't set in stone. I could say "I prefer guys with brown hair" but end up falling in love with a blonde guy instead. I NEED that connection. It's a must. There are no ifs or buts or maybes. If I don't have that connection, then there's no way in hell I'm getting in the mood. And like I said, it got to the point of me contemplating whether I'm actually asexual, because I had felt 0 sexual attraction towards ANY guy before I was able to form a real connection with one of my long time friends.

[pavlove]

@lumos I understand it's just a lot of girls have a difficult time feeling enough attraction to reach orgasm with a guy they don't have a real connection with so I was trying to see what the difference but I think the feeling 0 sexual attraction or arousal at all is the difference maker

[lumos]

@pavlove I think that has more to do with the girls feeling embarrassed about their sexuality and/or guys not knowing how to please a girl, than it has to do with someone simply needing a connection in order to even want sex.

[pavlove]

@lumos I'd disagree, and I think this is an often made misconception. It's true a lot of men aren't proficient, but another truth is that just like a man can't get hard if he doesn't feel comfortable a woman can't get wet or aroused enough for orgasm if she doesn't feel comfortable. I think we notice the latter a lot less because it doesn't prevent sex from happening like it does if the man is the one who isn't comfortable.

[lumos]

@pavlove feeling embarrassed of your own sexuality usually causes discomfort as well so I'm not sure why you would disagree, but ok.

[SomeOtherGuy]

@pavlove Actually that's a misconception. A person's body can be physically stimulated despite discomfort. One of the most prominent things in rape stories is that the person feels their body betrayed them. They become sexually stimulated, even to the point of climax, because there are still nerves in their body that send physical pleasure signals, but the person them-self feels extremely uncomfortable and detached. I've had sex to climax when I wasn't really feeling it or enjoying it. It was a way to end the whole interaction. The way I realized it wasn't a preference was when I set out to change it. If it's a preference, you can change it. I never could make myself feel comfortable. And I wanted to, because demisexuality complicates relationships. It's far simpler if you can have sexual attraction based on simple, easy standards.

[sheflips]

With demisexual, it is not just not being interested in sex, I am also NOT interested to make out with anyone even with hot good looking men. When I watch porn, I look at the actual pounding and I ignore the people's faces.

[hardboiledink]

Do you masturbate or watch porn? Because that would be an emotionless connection yet your sexually attracted unless it's some other situational fantasy or other?

[SkyeMind]

I wanted to, now in the aftermath, just thank you for this mytake :)
I'm relatively new to the labels and new to the need to find like-minded people; but I identify as a sex-positive demisexual. I just never talk about it.

I've done as many others; been married, had kids and have had sex with partners because "you're supposed to". With time it became obligation because your partner needed it, and resentment towards the relationship grew because of actions being demanded and or expected, even when my need wasn't there.

Almost 4 years ago, I divorced my second husband and did a thorough self-evaluation, self check on my take on relationships, then healing and self-improvement to not bring old into new relations.
I got into a D/s relationship - as a demi like me never should - but it came naturally and it was amazing. Being sex-positive is easier in this regard <3 It's the aftermath that hits you. The emotional bond that continues to be there despite the end of the dynamic.
So. Get to actually listening to myself, I find dating to be so much harder and I truly don't get how it's ever going to happen some days. I find people attractive (and utterly beautiful) by appreciating minds and passions; however I'm not interested sexually and cannot refer to anyone in a sexual manner unless I have a bond or a previous experience with that person. I don't know them enough. I'm sex-positive when it's in a deep connection/relation but I'm also having another preference as "sapiosexual", so I literally *need/want* to know the person and connect deeper PLUS connect intellectually.

Longing vs being uninterested/unsure crashes my brain at times.

Many consider me their best friend and I only have one "best friend". I talk to strangers constantly, am successful in my career, I love helping people, and not at all socially awkward. I just never go from A to B.

I gather it is because people expect a friend-with-benefits out of sexual need, and I want deep connection before sexual need even becomes a thing for me. And not all deep connections are romantic or sexual either, of course.
New relationships, however, are tougher because if sexual advances come too early, it's an immediate turn off for me and it's ruined. I won't, and really can't, go further. It becomes both a physical, mental and emotional hinder of sorts.

Don't know if you recognize this per say, the umbrella term is wide enough for the both of us, just truly wanted to say Thank You <3

[Mekkalyn]

Honestly this is a fairly new term for me. I've never heard of it before a few days ago, and now that I learn more about it.. it really hits home.

I have never felt a sexual attraction to anyone other than my partner that I have now. And even now, I still don't look at him and be like "wow I want to have sex with you" it's more like "wow you are so handsome and amazing looking". I can't look at someone and want to have sex with them.

But the thing is, I enjoy sex. I enjoy it a lot actually. It's definitely pleasurable, and I love to have it in my relationship. The problem is that I can never get going. I have a really hard time activating my sex drive because I don't get sexually attracted by looking at things. I never get in the mood on my own. I can read romance novels and the thoughts and ideas will get me turned on, but not by actual physical aspects. It's always about the thought behind it and never about the appearance.

I've had sex with one other person and we were not close at all (pressured into it, really) and I was extremely uncomfortable and turned off. I didn't enjoy it at all. And it could be for a multitude of reasons other than me being a demisexual, but I feel like that has huge factor.

I'm still hesitant to slap that label on me, but I feel so much better knowing that there are people that feel the way I do.

The only weird thing for me is that I found my love very quickly. We formed our bond very, very quickly. And in the beginning of our relationship (we felt very very close almost immediately) we wanted to have sex a lot. But it still wasn't about looks, it was about the ideas behind it and the feelings behind it and it felt good, of course. But, I don't know, I thought that this is weird for a demisexual to do? My sex life has really been tuned down after that initial rush of feelings died down. I feel like maybe the new feelings were exciting to me, but now that the rush is gone my sex interest has really fallen flat... even though it's still really enjoyable and he's really attentive and wonderful at it, I just can't get in the mood to do it very often. I find him really good looking, but I don't ever get turned on just by looking. That's why I can never relate to people who want to have sex without a relationship because it just seems so foreign to me.

I don't know, any opinions on my experience?

[Mekkalyn]

I also really love to cuddle and kiss, but it does nothing sexual for me. That's why I have a hard time understanding when my partner gets going because of cuddling or kissing since I just don't feel it. And I've felt so bad and so guilty and insecure about myself, b ecause what the f is wrong with me? Like why don't I feel those feelings like normal people do? Am I doing something wrong? But I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I can't help the way my body reacts (rather, lack of reacts). But i love the feeling of being close to my partner. I love, love, love it. It feels so wonderful. But it doesn't do anything for me in that way. And my partner often times has to do a lot of work if he wants to have sex, and I normally feel horrible but I just can't help it... like he has to do a looooooot of touching and rubbing to get the tingles starting. It helps me get into the thoughts and feelings and gets me in the mood to want to have sex.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Reading your experience, I relate 100%. There's a big misconception that demisexuals can't get aroused unless they bond. Or that the abstract concept of sex isn't enticing. It has everything to do with how close you feel to the person you're about to have sex with. How bonded you feel in that moment. That is what makes us want to engage in intercourse with them. A sense that our wants and needs will be met, not just sexually. Kissing, snuggling, cuddling, making out and a little bit of groping/massaging is nice. But that falls under a romantic attraction, which demisexuals experience independently. It isn't sexual attraction, which is the drive to engage in sexual activities with a partner. Every relationship is different. Sometimes demisexuals bond rapidly with a person. Sometimes it takes weeks, a months or even a year. It depends on the demisexual. And sometimes we want to engage in sex a lot during that bonding period. It happens.

[Mekkalyn]

Very interesting. Thanks for sharing your experience

[SomeOtherGuy]

Your experience is still completely on par with being a demisexual, don't worry. You bond differently for different people, that's all. You can enjoy sex, but it's never about the technique or sounds or how they look or anything like that. It's about the sense of a strong bond during that intercourse. If you want to get into the mood, do research on bonding activities you can do with a partner. Body paints. Talking about your emotions. Reading your thoughts out loud. Try something where you're vulnerable, and trust him to take care of you while you're vulnerable. Just know conventional methods may not work for your relationship. You may need to get creative and thoughtful.

[samhradh_leannan]

I consider myself to be demisexual. I don't usually bother to identify myself that way, because the label doesn't affect my outward behavior and I don't feel any need to proclaim my feelings about sex to the world. But when I heard about demisexuality, I realized that it fits me. I'm a very sexual person, on the whole. But my attraction to other individuals is very limited. I've always been the one person in my group of friends who wasn't constantly going "Oooo, he's so hot!' That kind of thought process just doesn't happen for me, aside from objective acknowledgements that a person technically has attractive features. I always thought there was something different about me in that way. So it was very interesting to find out that there are other people like that and that it is actually considered its own sexual orientation.

[BaileyisDarcy]

This. Exactly this.

[dartmaul15]

Very interresting take on a topic very few care about. As a guy that wonders what the hell guys are yapping about when they talk about how they want that girl, and whatnot. I can understand and appreciate beauty, but i have zero interest in being sexual. And forcing it (on any level) feels... well, forced.

One thing i miss is the debate regarding levels of demisexuality. This primarily regards when the mental blocks are, and how long they take to break them. As you said, it can take anything from a week or two, to years for a demisexual to know an other person enough to feel that carnal desire. It's important to understand just that fact. There's no set time regarding how long it takes.
As for the "levels of demisexuality," that refers to the extent of it. How well you need to know the person. Do you need to fully know him/her inside and out, or is it enough to just know him?

It'd help people that are wondering about it. But now i'm being picky. Very good take, on a topic with way too little information

[SomeOtherGuy]

Well, one piece of information at a time. That's really something each demisexual has to find out for themselves anyways. But it is an important step in the process. Also determining if you're a Gray-Asexual or aDemisexual is good. It can be a confusing line.

[dartmaul15]

i was more aiming for the teenage problem "why don't my dick assume total override when a good looking girl is there? Am i gay or something?" and similar questions. Help em understand that such may not be the case. I just simply wanted a small paragraph making it clear that demisexuality isn't fixed. Help people figure out that for some it's "stronger" than others. To avoid confusion

[SomeOtherGuy]

That's a good point. I'll have to add it next time I talk about demisexuality.

[Rawrzz]

Pretty much every female is demisexual, then. The way the vast majority of females measure which male is sufficient for the risk of losing 9 months of mating time is by who they love. That means a strong bond is necessary for the majority of females. Meaning the majority of females are demisexual.

The difference is that the only true measurement of demisexuality and asexuality is defined by--as you alluded to somewhat--people who say that that is what they are. There is no scientific basis for it. Well, where asexuality is concerned. I haven't looked up studies on demisexuality, but I'm going to assume there is no scientific basis for it. If anyone is curious to combat that assumption, they can look it up themselves. I don't care enough to research it. As you stated, perhaps at some point people will do studies on it.

I would be curious as to your sexual history. Have you had sex, before? With how many women? In my view, since you are male, you should have significantly lower standards than women. Sex is low risk to males. We have an infinite amount of sperm, so we lose nothing from banging as many females as possible--instinctually. Yes, there are risks cognizantly. STDs, finances of pregnancy/child support, etc. And that might influence someone to make a conscious decision to avoid sex; however, they will still have the instinctual desire to fuck the shit out of every attractive woman there is. Men can have sex with or without love; whereas, to women, love is measurement of male value contrasted with the value of her eggs--IOW, completely necessary to have sex.

Generalizing human behavior is difficult, yes: there are always exceptions. However, there is a general rule. All humans naturally have hands, for instance. Some may be born without them, but the general rule is true.

So. I think that males change themselves in various ways in order to maximize potential sexual partners. If someone listens to females and, really, society, they will most certainly form an idea that "you should only have sex with someone you love deeply." I think that is a societal influence, not a natural thing.

But. End of the day. One is defined, as I said, by their own definition, with no scientific backing.

Though, I have heard people say demisexual was an orientation. I agree that it isn't.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Hmmmmm. Don't think you quiet know females like I do. Also you might be confusing love with comfort. Most people who have sex do want to at least be comfortable with their partner. But not every single one. Of course, if you're uncomfortable that just kinda kills the mood. Love and comfort aren't the same though. And love and a bond, while similar, are also not the same. Plus, plenty of women will have sex before they ever hear the words "I love you" or it's a thought in their mind. I've explained this repeatedly, but Demisexuality is Asexuality. Demisexuals, however, find that they gain sexual attraction for a partner when a bond is met. But up until that discovery, you're basically an Asexual, maybe a Gray-Asexual. The only thing you can do is speculate you might be a demisexual until then.

[SomeOtherGuy]

As for Asexuality itself, there are plenty of social studies and science done on it. Wikipedia brings up a small source of information, with links back to scholarly articles published in academia. But even the articles I find often mention how little research has been done on it. As for my sexual history? I'm not sure what you're looking for. When I was little, I actually didn't like sex. I didn't really see what the fascination was. A lot of guys around me seemed to take an interest. Especially in my family. I just didn't get it though. Even some of the women I met seemed to be more interested in it than I was. I met a cute Asian girl who wanted to go farther than making out. But I didn't. She thought I was kinda a prude. It didn't really phase me, I didn't think it was a bad thing.

[SomeOtherGuy]

I remember being completely infatuated with a girl I wanted to be with, but I had no desire for sex with her. That was confusing. I've had a few partners. Could count them on one hand. There was only one that I was ever sexually attracted to. I was pretty comfortable with her. The others, it always just felt like I was going through the motions. Doing what I had learned pleases your partner the most. I wasn't really into the sex. It felt good, but I felt like I'd have more fun doing something else. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely cared about them. I was attracted to them. They were attractive by my standards. I've never had sex with someone I didn't think was attractive. But sexual attraction isn't the same as romantic or aesthetic attraction, and I don't think you realize that til you're Asexual.

[SomeOtherGuy]

One of the most interesting relations I had was a girlfriend who I was nonsexual with. Actually, she was an Ace as well. We'd make out, we'd snuggle. At night I'd stay over and sleep next to her. We had sex drives, but neither of us were interested in having sex. That's the thing about Asexuals. You don't ever feel an urge to take all your clothes off and have sex. It's not that you want to but you're practicing discretion. It's that you just genuinely don't want sexual intercourse. Some Asexuals are full blown Asexuals and have low sexual arousability. Others are Gray-Asexuals and do have arousability, but still don't desire sexual intercourse. I'm more akin to a Gray-Ace. I don't desire sexual intercourse in a relationship, and for the most part prefer not to have sex. To me, there's better ways to get off, and more fulfilling things you can do with a partner.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Your generalization analogy comes into play here. The majority of the human population is allosexual. That is, they feel normal sexual attraction. But there are exceptions. Those are your Asexuals, Gray-Asexuals, and Demisexuals. Being Asexual or even Demisexual does not maximize my potential sex partners. It does the opposite, infact. I rarely feel a desire to date, and never for sexual purposes.

[Rawrzz]

Well. Pride before the fall and all, aside. Instinct is instinct. Primates are primates. Well. For the most part Words and a feeling are different. Consciousness and subconsciousness are different Um. You can't have "asexuality" with "sexual" attraction. What silliness is that. This is what I mean by people just making up definitions for words and calling themselves it. It's literally all speculation on a foreign concept I'm sure wikepedia has all of the scholarly articles. If asexuality existed, the trait would disappear over time. Why? Because asexual people don't reproduce. I think everyone realizes romantic and sexual attraction are different. I'd rather not have sex, either. But there's a difference between a cognitive--sub or un or con--decision and desire.. But you're damn right I'm going to want it. Something is wrong with your brain. In the medical or psychological sense. Wonder if you've been raped. Exactly. Women would loooove that you would want only them. Benefit

[Rawrzz]

I'm reminded of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8itQRuynUzc

[SomeOtherGuy]

You're aware that being sarcastic about my mentioning of wikiepdia only shows you have a bias. I told you, Wikipedia references and links back to documents published through scholarly databases for Academia and science in their page on Asexuality. I'm not gonna write a huge fucking term paper for you because you can't be bothered to get over your bias. If you "FEEL" Aseuxality and Demisexuality aren't real, and I "FEEL" that they are, and you've never experienced Asexuality and I have, then perhaps you are at a greater disadvantage to talk about. Even less when you consider I have looked into it. Your belief that Asexual people don't reproduce is false on every level. I mean, that part alone just shows me how little authority you have to even talk on this subject. You aren't even trying to think outside the tiny biased, closed minded world you've created. Under your logic, Homosexuality has even less reason to exist. But the fact is all sexualities can desire biological children.

[SomeOtherGuy]

They can produce biological children. Asexuals engage in sexual activity for various reasons, including reproduction and to please a non-Ace partner. Also, biology and the passing of genes doesn't work the way you think it does. Also, no, I have no history of sexual trauma in my life. Thankfully. And though some people are turned off by sex from reliving the events, they aren't Asexuals. Asexuals also do not have a higher rate of sexual complications (mental disorders or health disorders) more so than the general population. So the theory that their brain or body is messed up is a false theory. Asexuals, just like Homosexuals, can serve a purpose to nature and society. There are other animal species that also have Asexuals. You know Asexuality doesn't work in black and white terms. There is a clear, distinct line that separates the general population and Asexuals. That is, innate sexual attraction. The desire for intercourse with a suitable partner.

[Rawrzz]

End of the day, asexuality and demisexuality is simply something people call themselves. I've looked through peer reviewed articles searching for some scientific legitimacy behind the orientation and whatever the other thing. Asexuals would, over millennia and millennia be breeded out. I admit I don't have a very deep understanding of biology, but I'm pretty sure I know how traits are passed down and how the birds and the bees are pretty important to that. For instance, if white people just stopped fucking, there would be significantly less white people in the future. No, actually. Homosexuality is natural and many animals are naturally bisexual. There's a tremendous difference between homosexuality and asexuality. What animals are naturally asexual? Meaning that they lack sexual attraction or interest? How would you measure such a thing? You could measure if they didn't have sexual activity, but you couldn't measure.

[SomeOtherGuy]

: Afraid you don't have an idea of how traits are actually passed down. You are failing to account for dormant traits and how they work. Plus, while the blue eyes, brown eyes tests in 6th grade biology were a great gateway, they never covered the massive complexity of passing on traits and things of the like. Homosexuality shouldn't have been passed down if Asexuality shouldn't have been passed down. How does it make more sense that homosexuals should persist but Asexuals shouldn't? How is that even logical? Where are you getting your logic? Why are you missing that logic? How are you this clueless? Homosexuals are having non-reproductive sex. Asexuals are not having reproductive sex as well. Where is your logic?

[SomeOtherGuy]

Also, homosexuality has been recognized longer than Asexuality and Bisexuality combined.

Asexuality itself isn't a study more than 30 years old.
Beforehand, it was a minor thing thought to be part of the medical field.

Pandas have shown very little to no interest in Sexual Intercourse.

Gerbils.
www.sciencedirect.com/.../S0003347299913659

Pretty sure there's a few on rats and other animals too. But I don't do your homework for you.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Also a study
link.springer.com/.../s10508-006-9142-3

And the further indication that sexuality isn't linked to damage in a person's brain or body.
https://psycnet.apa.org/journals/gpr/10/3/241/

Further, information that confirms what I've told you about Asexuality.
link.springer.com/.../s10508-008-9434-x

These are all links pulled from google scholar, which is credible sources for academic papers and study.

[Rawrzz]

Oh man. Now you're gonna push it. Okay, you win. Touche sir. I'll look into all of that later. I'll reserve judgement. I might bring my own articles later.

[Sasya]

Good to know :), I really wasn't to familiar with the term but your wrote this really well. Always good to be educated, right? Esprecially when it comes to people.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Glad to hear it! I want people to be educated on the experience and what someone who identifies as a demisexual may be going through.

[Mustachekitteh]

Interesting take

I don't know for me I have never had an orgasm during sex, EVER. I thought i wanted to have sex with the guys. Then we did it and I felt nothing at all. most of the time I wish they would stop touching me. Which I never had true emotional strong feelings for those guys as well. Again I thought i did but ended up I didn't. Even now if it's a guy I don't truly trust and truly love. I couldn't give any two shits about having sex with them. They would mean nothing to me and it would be boring as hell.

So even in the past when I tried to enjoy it with the dudes I was with. It never happened and I never truly liked it at all.

I had never given myself any kind of label due to it. Just figured since I have adhd it's easy to not give 2 shits about majority of anyone. So I wouldn't focus on them during sex at all or the experience. Since i never truly cared about them.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Look into the AVEN network and research Asexuality and Demisexuality and Gray Asexuality. Maybe you're any one of those things. Sexuality is fluid, so it's good to know these things and ask yourself.

[Mustachekitteh]

I don't really care what I am. Just know I can't fuck anyone I don't have an emotional or physical bond with that is really strong. Other wise sex is shit.

[shessoheavy]

Nice take! Support to a Demi bro from an ace bro

[ObscuredBeyond]

Demisexuality is merely fear of taking things to their logical conclusion, thus the desire to take sex all the way is suppressed. Whatever is causing the suppression is, from the individual's point of view, too powerful a block for them to get their urges back from it. A near-impenetrable defense mechanism in the brain that makes sexual desire unattainable.

Fortunately, I have a much simpler explanation for why I don't/can't put out other than abstinence for moral reasons:

Too much C-PTSD from past relationships. I need a gal that can point me forward to a good future I've never seen before.

Any that would seek to play the same games and drag me down the same avenues where I'm already haunted by the memories of past pains will not fix me. It will only get my guard up. Fear and bitterness can absolutely kill your sexual potential.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Fear has nothing to do with it. I'm not a virgin, and not every demisexual is. Not every asexual is either. Allow me to fill you in on what led me to the realization that demisexuality is innate, unchangeable, just like your heterosexual nature is innate. Firstly, I attempted a casual relationship. I don't believe a casual relationship is wrong or immoral. The woman I had casual sex with I did go all the way, and she was pretty by my standards. She also wasn't my first. But it's just going through the motions. There is no desire or actual want to have sex. I'm not afraid of sex. Sex doesn't scare me. I have researched female anatomy and the female orgasm. I have every desire to please the partner I'm with in bed. But it's about their pleasure, not mine. Which can kinda kill the mood if I'm obviously not into it. Genitals don't do anything for me. I can't look at a random gorgeous woman, naked, spread eagle and feel sexually aroused.

[SomeOtherGuy]

And yes, I'm heterosexual. Dudes do even less for me. I can attempt casual sex. It's not scary. I just don't feel "turned on." Sure, just like in any case where you're getting physically stimulated your body reacts, but the drive, desire, and deeper pleasure is absent. If anything it's just mildly stressful, uncomfortable, and robotic. The only upside is you get an orgasm out of it. But it's a pretty empty orgasm. Honestly, I don't really "get" porn or sex. There's definitely no fear or cynicism. I actually really want a relationship with someone that involves sex. And I enjoy the company and friendship of a lot of women. Demisexuality is not exactly logical or rational. It just simply is. I apologize because it isn't the easiest to explain. Feel free to ask questions though. It sucks your past relationships have been toxic for you. I hope you find someone who can restore your sense of self in relationships. You really have to work on healing, and I hope you achieve that.

[ObscuredBeyond]

Overexposure can destroy sexual potential as well. I read somewhere that "too much porn is giving men a limp noodle." It sounds to me like, for whatever reason, you just have very low libido and are high on other types of love. Then again, this doesn't have to be seen as a bad thing. Perhaps being married and having lots of children with a happy wife is not what you're called to do in this life. If so, skip the sex and find out what your true calling is.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Thanks. However, I actually don't have a low libido. I do want to have sex. That's something I desire. But it's difficult to be sexually attracted to a person. I see being aroused, and being aroused by someone as two different things. It takes a lot for me to actually want to have sex with someone. (The formation of a strong strong bond) But it doesn't take a lot for me to become aroused. Infact, I have triggers that turn me on. But they still do not contribute to how comfortable I am having sex with the person who triggers them. Being turned on, and looking at someone infront of you and wanting to have sex with them are two totally separate things for me. If you think about it, they may be separate for you as well.

[ObscuredBeyond]

In other words, when the brain was trying to wire itself to be ready for sex, the wrong connections got wired together. So now, the trigger mechanisms go every place other than what they were supposed to. Life experiences can cause a brain to wire itself screwy like that. Making new connections at your age takes work. The brain can reprogram itself, but usually does so painfully. So you have to ask yourself if it's worth the effort. For me, it's about finding an excuse to tear down the walls I've built up to avoid any more sucker punches.

[SomeOtherGuy]

As you grow older you reach a butterfly effect. What was a simple issue becomes layered and layered. I've been making a conscious effort to determine what my earliest behaviors pointed to, and when they diverged the most. Wiring issues in the brain is definitely a good theory. I'd be inclined to agree. A lot of a person's sexual nature, from orientation to fixation on body-parts (face, breast, feet, etc), can have origins in the wiring of the brain. That wiring can be encoded in one's genetics, the same genetics that determine how we age and mature. However, I didn't suffer any sexual or physical trauma when I was younger, so I can't attribute it to that. In any case, I suspect the natural state of my wiring will always be demisexual. To be fair I'm also in the same boat. I have a few walls to tear down. Not from bad relationships, but because I caved to sex when I wasn't interested. It can mess with your head. Plus the sense of isolation from those behaviors.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Either way the sentiment is the same. You have to start trusting yourself, and trusting others. It's a leap, but it's an important one we gotta make, y'know? You just gotta find an environment where you're comfortable. Or create your own. Then invite people into them. It also helps to cultivate the social and behavioral tools that lead to healthy and happy behaviors. Minimizing stress and discomfort. Learning to say no. Figuring out what a healthy red flag is and sticking to it. Again, trusting yourself. If you lose your sense of comfort, understand you can rebuild it. Nothing is end of the road. There's a lot to it. But I'm sure if you work on it you'll get there. It's an important thing to believe in others, because it allows you to believe you can do it too.

[Peanut127]

im just fascinated by all this, just being honest. after a four yr soulmate breakup, i looked into 'why did i not feel sexually attracted to him anymore?' I ran into the subject or asexuality. never heard of it. read more and more and then ran over 'demisexuals' and from there, i went back to how i dated in past. i made guys chat for 2 weeks before we would even meet. if sex got involved? i did it just bc i 'thought' thats how things worked or i played along in hopes that guy would keep liking me. but, the sex act?, i never got really aroused by it or faked orgasm.

demisexuality is def not a prefrence, i never choosed 'not getting aroused lol even if some were good looking more than others. im demisexual/asexual bc i love a great connection, emotional support as if he really cares but sex part? no thanks, not interested. im all about great conversation u can have for hours without getting bored. stimulate my mind... not my vagina LOL

[sheflips]

Im demisexual and it is real. I went to all girls school for 10 years so I thought I was lesbian because I was not sexually attracted to boys. Though I never did anything with a girl and not even kissed a female friend or classmate. My High School turned college friends joked a lot that I was a "wood" because I never or rarely had crush. I rarely had crushes (like only 1 guy once every 2-3 years) and when I did, they were all very strong feelings like I can't sleep.
Being demisexual is like seeing ALL men in friend zone, and yes that includes good looking men. It is like I can't feel the existence of my vagina when Im around men.

[sheflips]

With demisexual, it is not just not being interested in sex, I am also NOT interested to make out with anyone even with hot good looking men. When I watch porn, I look at the actual pounding and I ignore the people's faces.

[DarkHumorRUs]

Demisexuality sounds like a bunch of bullshit.

I'm wondering how they came up with that prefix?

[SomeOtherGuy]

Good question.

I'm happy to answer.

However, before I do, tell me what do you know about Asexuality?
If you don't know much, then might I suggest a quick digestion of information from Wikipedia.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

[SomeOtherGuy]

Think of it like this. If someone can be attracted to the opposite gender (homosexual) and someone can be attracted to both genders (bisexual) why is not possible to believe people exist that are attracted to no genders (asexual).

This concept of a fourth orientation is rather new.

In order to understand Asexuality, you have to have knowledge of what Asexuals experience throughout their lifetime.
Begin by wrapping your head around Asexuality.
Also consider the Kinsey Scale.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

The Kinsey Scale suggests that a person's sexual orientation grows as they become more sexually aware. That someone can be "kind of" gay. Or "mostly bisexual." It's been well proven that some bisexuals prefer one gender more than the other, but still like both.

You wrap your head around those concepts and then I'll explain how Demisexuality falls into that.

[DarkHumorRUs]

Yeah I already know what asexuality is, snails have been asexual as long as I remember. So what's demisexuality?

[SomeOtherGuy]

lol Yea. That's a snail for ya. Basically Demisexuality is Asexuality. The difference is that asexuals feel no sexual attraction or desire for anyone. Demisexuals (Half-way between Asexuality and normal Sexuality) also don't feel sexual attraction or desire for anyone, however, they become sexually attracted as they become emotionally vulnerable with someone. Like telling someone your deepest secrets levels of vulnerable. To the point where you feel a strong bond with them. It might vary between person to person, but this is a good explanation. That's why the prefix Demi is used. And that's why it exists. It's just a classification of Asexuality.

[SomeOtherGuy]

To explain it: There are people who legitimately do not feel sexual attraction for others. (Asexuals) But some of those Asexuals feel sexual attraction under very specific conditions surrounding a relationship. One of those conditions is bonding, like the kind I mentioned earlier. (Demisexuals) It's not that they refuse to have sex without feeling bonded (celibacy). It's that they don't feel sexual attraction without the bond. They may still engage in sex without feeling sexual attraction, which is not very healthy behavior, but understandable when you just want a normal relationship. I mean, you can be a non-celibate Asexual. It's just not a comfortable experience. Basically, just like sexuality exists on a sliding scale (The Kinsey Scale) Asexuality and normal Sexuality (Referred to as Allosexuality) also exists on a sliding scale.

[DarkHumorRUs]

So demisexuals DO feel sexual attraction but it's due to emotion?

[SomeOtherGuy]

That depends. They don't have to be emotional to have sex. The relationship just has to be at a level where they feel bonded and capable of being vulnerable with their partner. Really, it's about that bond. And that bond is hard to describe. It's something like a high level of connectivity, inline with what you'd feel for a best friend. This degree of openness. But you get what I'm saying? The strength of that connection determines how strong their sexual feelings are. For one reason or another, that's the only thing that triggers their desire to have sex with their partner.

[SomeOtherGuy]

And honestly that bond can be a lot milder than I'm making it out to be. It can be a soft bond. It just depends on the demisexual. But I figure you'll have an easier time understanding if you got an idea of what that bond is.

[Whatever2929292]

I thin that it is normal and a beautiful thing as well. I think that it is the biblical way to live. I am a heterosexual but I am also demisexual and heteroromantic. I am not really all about other letters and made up bullshit.

But I feel like the Christians can start a movement with this. This is how things should be waiting until marriage to have sex.

Sexual feelings and romantic feelings are two different things. You can have one without the other much like empathy and sympathy. They can coincide but not always

[SilenRose]

Nice myTake. I enjoyed this.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Thanks!

[Lolomon]

Demisexual is not real, neither is pansexual... their is no scientific prove otherwise. And Demisexual , is just beyond dumb, needing to feel emotional connection isn't a sexuality but how humans work in general. Asexual also has to do with two things hormonal imbalance or an occurrence that made sex seem unimportant or scary. Science hasn't proven these , they just aren't real.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Science is a fascinating thing. There's a lot of stuff about the human brain we don't know. Demisexuality, if you don't know, falls under Asexuality. Asexuality as an orientation and field of scientific research is still relatively new. Scientists have a lot of phenomenon and fields and categories to explore. Scientists have a large range of subjects they specialize in, from everything in the body to outside it, to our brains and society and behaviors as individuals, all the way into our very universe. Mysteries we've been researching for millions of years and still don't know. Only lately has the stigma on non-binary orientation been lifted, allowing people to explore and study it all. If you follow the logical realization behind all this, you'll realize that scientists willing and open to studying these scientifically are still emerging. That it's a new field, and may not pay as well. That grants may not be as readily available yet.

[Lolomon]

Yea, actually we know a lot it's called nueroscience. and nueroscience has said it just ain't real. Granted they are supposed to look into wether one is born gay or not or with a set sexuality. kinda like how nueroscience just fully debunked the whole " born in the wrong body or I have the brain of the opposite sex ". Yea, no such thing as a full male or female brain or gendered brain. And asexual isn't new, been around for a while now. Also, keep in mind asexual also refers to species who can self reproduce without intercourse.

[SomeOtherGuy]

The lexicon itself is still evolving. The definition has been made a lot more concrete recently, but kids do still get a hold of it. They also get a hold of OCD and use that sparingly. That still isn't a fair case against OCD though. Again, it's new. People are only now becoming open to the idea of different orientations and gender identities. Hence the emergence and wave of this phenomenon. Science's job isn't to make things real. It's to disprove things that are not real. That's how science works. That's the whole point of the scientific method. I do hope you understand that. So science aside, lets talk about asexuality. It very well may be a hormonal imbalance, or a neurological oddity in the brain. That doesn't make it no longer real. As well, have you researched what an asexual experiences? It may not be anything like what you think. Between hearing about asexuality and actually researching it, I had a ton of misconceptions.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Also it's not an emotional connection. That's a big misconception. A bond and an emotional connection are very different. A bond is more about vulnerability. Vulnerability may be related to emotions, but a bond is a product of emotions, not an emotion itself. If you can get over the whole "it's dumb" stigma you seem to carry around, maybe you can do what scientists do and explore the concept in full to determine it's validity. Talk to a demisexual, like myself, and do a little research on what it actually is. Ask questions. Empathize. Compare it to your own experiences. Maybe we don't experience the same things? Maybe it's not how general people work? If it was, porn wouldn't exist in it's current form, and sex wouldn't sell. Casual flings wouldn't be a thing. Making out in a club wouldn't be a thing. Our whole culture would be a lot different if it was the norm.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Not sure what you're talking about with Gender Dysphoria. Neuroscience doesn't seem to have disproven Asexuality or Gender Dysphoria. The opposite, really. And Gender Dysphoria is completely separate from what we're discussing here anyways. We're talking sexual orientation, not sexual identity. Perhaps this discussion would be more helpful if we discussed "Is Asexuality real?" From there, we can move on to "Is Demisexuality a valid identity of Asexuality?" So do you believe Asexuality is real, or do you believe it has been disproven? From what I can tell, you do believe it's real.

[Lolomon]

Saying it's not real is disproving it. And saying it's dumb makes sense, someone needing to feel emotional connection isn't a sexuality at all, that is dumb. Its just trying to label something that is natural to humans. And once again Demisexual isn't an actual sexuality, am I carrying around a stigma no. I'm using basic knowledge, I advice to research on science , and actually brush up on science. but hey you keep thinking Its a sexuality you want.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Hmm. I have brushed up on science though. I did research it. I looked through articles. There's not that much on it in the field of academic study. As I said, it's relatively new. "Demisexuality isn't an orientation." Yea, that's mostly true. It's one of my beefs with the term. I bring that up in my myTake. You did read my myTake, didn't you? That brings us to another concept. Asexuality. Asexuality as an orientation is actually a new area of scientific study, as I pointed out to you. There's still a lot of ideas being formed and tested. No one has proven or disproven anything yet. That takes a lot of time, and careful study. Science is not a flash-bang-boom, one paper and it's debunked, sort of ordeal. Science pulls data and findings and studies from all over to form conclusions, and those pieces of data are often peer reviewed. They're replicated to verify their authenticity. A lot has to happen, and it doesn't just happen in a short span of time.

[SomeOtherGuy]

So again, lets go back to Asexuality. Demisexuality isn't Asexuality's cousin. It's a child of Asexuality. Do you believe Asexuality is real? And do you believe Asexuality is an orientation, just like Heterosexual and Homosexual and Bisexual. That instead of being sexually attracted to one or both of the gender in the binary, you are instead not attracted to any of them. Do you think that's a possibility? After all, if you can be attracted to both, why can't you be sexually attracted to neither?

[SomeOtherGuy]

This, of course, requires the belief that homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality is not chosen by the individual. That we cannot alter our sexual orientation. So long as you believe that, then we can take the next step in debunking this. Is Asexuality an orientation? Can you be sexually attracted to no one? We'll move on depending on if you believe this. By the way, it's okay to admit you don't know the answer, or you need to think more about it. I can totally respect that decision far more than I can someone jumping quickly to a conclusion for the sake of being right. I'll warn you right now, I've already thought a lot about this and did my own research.

[Lolomon]

Listen to me it's not real. Its make belief like a fairytale, but if you want to believe in it go right ahead

[SomeOtherGuy]

Not sure what to tell you. I'm sorry you're not willing to put aside your bias or cynicism to be open enough to have this conversation. I certainly am. I'll gladly talk to you about it. The issue is, I'm not going to discount a lifetime of experiences that date back long before demisexuality was a term. I was a demisexual before demisexual was ever acknkowledged. I can recount behaviors and reactions I had towards sex and sexual attraction before I even had dial up, AOL internet. I didn't suffer any trauma when I was little either. I'm not a 17 year old girl with a love for unicorns and ponies. Telling me something isn't a fairy-tale doesn't have any affect on me. Sorry you think only 17 year old girls believe in demisexuality? (And apparently fairy tales) If you actually want to have a rational, give and take conversation about asexuality then I am all ears. I'll even start by putting aside my biases and listening to your side.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Actually I'm not sure what bias I have. I could care less about the term. It's the experience that I care about (which is what my myTake covers) Demisexuality is just the term slapped on to package and condense that experience and those behaviors. I experienced a lot of things demisexuals experience as teenagers. Do I believe those aren't real? No, that'd be silly. Would you care to hear about those experiences? We can decide if my experience as a teenage boy was like everyone else or if my experience was actually different. I'll be open to you if you're open to me. I'm willing to give ground first if you want to have a respectful chat. You might be surprised. I'm pretty level and down to earth. I'm not a bad guy. If demisexuality wasn't real, demisexuals would never be able to relate to one another. They wouldn't be able to share a mutual experience in their life. Yet I've done that with a complete stranger already in this thread.

[Lolomon]

Where did 17 year old girl come from? Yea, I think your belief system is a fairy tale. did I saying should your feelings No. The fact that you feel like I'm trying to hurt your feelings makes it seem like it did. I could care less what you think I on the other hand think it's a fairytale belief system

[SomeOtherGuy]

That's fine. If you feel it's not real, I can't help you get over your feelings. If you don't want to have a dialogue about it, I can't make you. You seem pretty attached to your viewpoint and would rather not explore if it is accurate or not. Most people on here seem to believe Asexuality is an orientation. Demisexuality isn't an orientation. It is a branch of Asexuality. Just like Homosexuality, Bisexuality, and Heterosexuality operate on sliding scales, so does Asexuality. Sorry you can't seem to see this. But hey, at least some people can.

[samhradh_leannan]

There are people who have one night stands and casual sex and enjoy it immensely, even with total strangers. But I'm incapable of feeling any sexual attraction towards a person who I don't feel emotionally close to and romantically invested in. How would you explain that then?

[SomeOtherGuy]

@samhradh_leannan I wouldn't worry too much about it. There are people in this world who will always deny anything outside of their own pocket of reality. Anything beyond their comprehension is just not feasible to them. You have to just let it go, and hope that they find the answers and figure out how these things are possible on there own. Until then, if they try to decide your identity for you, remember that there are always others who will take a healthier approach, and give you the tools and information you need to help you discover your identity on your own.

[Mesonfielde]

""Demisexuals may feel a romantic attraction, which is comprised of a desire to kiss, cuddle, make-out, snuggle, touch or massage (excluding genitals) but they do not feel a sexual attraction which would lead to the desire for intercourse or sexual activity with that person.""

That just means they're uncomfortable with the idea of sexuality or just generally scared of it and therefore temporarily uninterested. If the idea of having sex paralyzes you with fear and you have all kinds of moral gateways to go through before you're willing to consider the possibility, of course you will "not be aroused".

I would be curious to see what they do under the influence of alcohol.

[SomeOtherGuy]

I've been intoxicated with a girl, making out on her bed. She wanted to have sex. I still didn't. I went over the idea of "It's a fear thing" with another user who had the same point. I have no moral convictions stopping me from having sex. I actually think sex is healthy and fine. Important, even, if you have the urges to perform sex. And I actually do. I am all for sex, and sex is something I want to take part in. But I don't want to be disinterested, just going through the motions for my partner. No moral gateways. No fear of sex. Just disinterested in sexual intercourse. Demisexuality isn't simply the desire to have sex after a bond, it's the absence of interest and desire when that bond isn't there. That's how you know you're actually demisexual. There's no fear when performing. No major anxiety. I can perform fine. I just don't really feel comfortable or interested. Imagine watching a TV show with a friend. Your friend is super into it, but you're just not. It's awkward.

[SomeOtherGuy]

If every time you stepped up to the plate to perform you were faking it or not really aroused in your head, it'd be dissatisfying. No matter how hot the woman is, or how great of a person she is, I just don't feel into it. Not unless we've bonded. That bond is probably the trickiest thing to define too. It might be different per person. But vulnerability is a key element of any bonding. If you feel you can be vulnerable with that person, you probably feel bonded. That bond triggers your sexual attraction to that person. Not the desire to have sex, but the desire to have sex with THAT person. It's an interesting experience. And if you haven't experienced it, the only thing you can go off of is an attempt at empathy. Just like I don't understand the fascination with people's genitals and sexual intercourse itself or for it's own sake. Or how sex can sell. I actually don't feel the same appeal for it others seem to.

[AdamThomas]

I still think it's just another unnecessary label.

[frozenhorizon]

Thanks, it's pretty much just an adjective to describe a certain way people are. I think people are just bothered by the term because it sounds like an orientation when it isn't. I often believe this is what I am, although sometimes I do just wonder if I just have incredibly high standards combined with introversion instead.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Sort of. If you take some time to learn about Asexuality, you'll realize that Demisexuality falls under the Ace Umbrella. Demisexuals are Asexuals who have found that they can become sexually interested in a partner based on the relationship they have. But until then, there's an absence of sexual desire for a partner. If you want to figure it out, learn about what Asexuality really is. Learn what Asexuals really experience. I really don't have a guide to help you to figure it out. I figured it out after researching it, and realizing how often I had no desire for sexual intercourse, even during a heavy makeout session with a partner. Even if I was turned on, having sex just had no appeal. And that is a confusing thing. I often just forced myself to have sex because I didn't understand any of it. If I'm turned on, I should want sex, so why didn't I? Like, wth. I finally started looking for answers. I found I'm not the only one who experiences this. And that was a good feeling.

[tyber1]

I think @lumos is a demisexual as well

[lumos]

Yup.

[hardboiledink]

I think it's fake, but helps with labeling what women feel about sex. Usually they need an emotional connection to want to have sex with someone. Most women are not sluts with damage to their self esteem and massive daddy issues who just have sex with just anyone. Why? Evolution. Women are made to choose wisely in a mate to share the responsibilty of having a kid and raising them. Sex is originally to just have kids, the pleasure we all have now with technicaly modern day birth control is unparallled BUT we are still ruled by our evolved natural instincts.

So women need an emotional connection to bond, want to have sex, and have deep desire for the man they are with (or woman.) Men really don't have much investment in sex evolutionarily so they can ejaculate in whoever and just leave if they wanted, whereas women could be stuck with a baby. So men really didn't evolve a deep need to emotionally connect just to have sex. Sure there are varying levels of emotional connection needed for both men and women though.

So demisexual to me just sums up what most women want, an emotional connected relationship, and if you're a guy you know that a girl in a decent relationship like to have sex ALWAYS as often as possible.

Do I think demisexual is a BS term? Yes, because my girlfriend says she's that yet said she'd have an 8 some with BTS and is infatuated with them though she DOES NOT have any emotional connection with them in reality, it's all what's been marketed to her and through their music. You might call that "emotional connection" but it's not real. So I think it's kind of a bluff that demisexuals are not sexually attracted to some males who are just alpha and seen as cool, there's no true emotional connection there. But I do think the term helps describe the overall need for emotional connection a woman and some men need to be in a relationship and sexually attracted to the max

[TheHooptyMiata]

Who cares? I mean, my PC is highlighting demisexual as a misspelled word, so I guess that's an indicator... :D

[estrellaceleste]

There are two reasons, depending on which group you're talking about.

Outside the LGBT community, or more accurately, outside of the group of people that understand asexuality as a valid sexual orientation, demisexuality faces a lot of the same scrutiny that asexuality does, and probably moreso.

When you're ace, countering things like "oh, you just haven't met the right guy yet!" is annoying, but straightforward. "No, really, I'm not attracted to men" will do it, if they'll listen to you, which they probably won't. For someone who's demi, though, that's more difficult. People conflate love and sexual attraction all the time, and it's not like they're entirely wrong to do that. So "you just haven't met the right guy yet!" requires a deeper explanation that people aren't going to believe, because they assume your sexuality is like theirs.

Inside the group of people who understand the validity of asexuality, a lot of them see demisexuality as a cop-out. Like "You're just pretending to be queer! It's normal to not be sexuality attracted to a person until you know them well!" And it's true, that is normal (if not universal), but it's not the typical experience of someone who's demi, and it can be hard to quantify why that's different. How do you talk about the fact that your sexuality turns on slowly and contextually, and not in a way that mirrors how other people talk about sexual attraction in their relationships? Especially when people will hear you say sexuality, think you mean "sex drive," and infer an entirely different meaning.

I think a lot of that has to do with what it means to be LGBTQIA+ in the first place. It's a bunch of separate labels united by oppression. So there's this weird base assumption that anyone who takes on a sexuality label other than "straight" is inherently doing it because of oppression and uses that label in context of fighting its oppression. So it can be hard for people to understand that someone who's demisexual is just using a label for its main utility value, which is understanding oneself and finding other people who have similar experiences.

[pavlove]

it's interesting to be sure. what I find particularly interesting is that so many girls tell me despite having very active sex lives they have never had an orgasm and I know it's almost always because they don't feel comfortable with the person enough to reach heights of sexuality

[SomeOtherGuy]

A lot of women are demisexual, more than men. But the numbers are skewed due to the way society encourages men to be sexual and women not to be. Comfort is a large part of it. Some of them may just be going through the motions, trying to please the guy. Some of it may be they're dating guys who know little about the female body and orgasm. Some women just can't achieve orgasm through normal means. There's reasons, but demisexuality can definitely play a part.

[pavlove]

interesting. You seem to really know what you're talking about. I look forward to more Takes from you!

[SuperOzgurX2]

FAKE... i get lesbians and gays. But Aesexuals and mumbo jumbo is all attention seeking. Bring on the downvotes losers.

[supernerd99]

what a bunch of nonsense. this article is a big waste of internet bandwidth. all these theories belong to the dustbin. your perceptions are very blurry and distorted but its a symptom of the society as a whole its not just you.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Not entirely sure what you're trying to say. Only that you don't feel the concept of demisexuality is valid. They're not really theories. They're definitions. They define demisexuality. And people who are demisexual seem to relate to these definitions. They're a collection of experiences and behaviors. If you feel that they are blurry or distorted, please point out where you fee clarification is needed and I'll clarify. Also, not sure what these symptoms are and what you think they mean?

[skeptic007]

sorry but its not real its a feeling and feelings aren't real

[SomeOtherGuy]

I think what you mean to say is "Feelings are not the basis upon which we should make logical arguments." Because obviously feelings are not imaginary, and can define a person's reality. But those emotions do not define the reality of others. Infact, I have the logical base to argue that you simply -feel- demisexuality is not real, and end up using your words to disprove your own statement. A good question is, do you feel my arguments were made based on me feeling something, or rather on logic and observation? Whether the term demisexuality is or is not a fitting word for the concept, it does not change the fact that many people identify with the definition of demisexuality. It also does not change the fact that demisexuality is actually a measurable behavior that can be studied and pinpointed in human beings, just like Asexuality. It is not my fault if people lack knowledge (Which is why I wrote this take), or do not understand the experience and thus feel it can't be real.

[skeptic007]

Feelings are untouchable, all feelings do is make a person react a certain way, a person can let the emotion go out the window or follow it through that's it, now what that person decides is up to them but here is what society does we give it a name, a rapist ran on his feeling of anger and raped a women, child, or man, now he's a rapist, we as humans give names to feelings which is stupid but that's what we do, but here's the issue there's a limited number of feelings to chose from, what humans are doing is making lust into different sexualities thats the truth

[SomeOtherGuy]

Might I suggest that you put aside the word "Demisexual" and instead look at the behaviors that make up what demisexuality is. A lack of interest in sex with another human being. The exception to this being when a deep bond, typically looking more like a friendship than romance, has been formed. It might sound unusual to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. It's actually the only reality I've known. Discomfort with sex. Be aware, I'm isolating the term sex to penetration, oral, anal, and hand-to-genitals. Those activities or the idea of those activities is more likely to bring about a sense of discomfort or disinterest. Exception, after bonding. Disinterest in porn, often for the reasons stated above. Demisexuals typically do not "get" people's interest in sexual intercourse and porn. They often find it humorous, uncomfortable or show complete disinterest. Appreciation or a "draw" to a person's looks, but no sexual arousal from their looks.

[skeptic007]

can I see what you look like

[SomeOtherGuy]

These traits are real. They do exist in a number of people. They manifest around the age of sexual awareness, about the same time you realize you're hetero or homo. It's fine if you feel like the term demisexual isn't a real term. But it's much harder to deny the behaviors that make up this term. There are people who genuinely go through life with these experiences and models of behavior. I've met and spoken to them. I've grown up with a friend who shared this experience. Casual sex, attractive prostitutes, counseling, none of these can alter those behaviors any more than they can alter your sexual orientation. Remove the term if it makes you feel better. But that still leaves a gap in the lexicon that encapsulates those experiences and the behavior surrounding them.

[SomeOtherGuy]

Ahh you want to see if I'm capable of roping in women?
Sure mang.
scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/.../..._7461924_n.jpg

[SomeOtherGuy]

@skeptic007 does that help you confirm anything?

[SomeOtherGuy]

Demisexuality is simply a term that helps convey a shared experience. Instead of telling you everything in my myTake, I can instead just use the term Demisexual and if you have been educated on that term, you know what it means. No long explanation. It is to the benefit of the human language. To our time. Humans are insanely complex. Dating is very important to a lot of people. It can determine a lot of our behavior. Being able to have terms to explain this facet of our lives saves everyone time. If a woman tells you I'm asexual, or demisexual, and you enjoy typical, normal sexual activities, you'll realize quickly that you two are not compatible and go on your way. That's pretty helpful.