Sexual Relationships
11 mo

Did I really went overboard with my comments?

My older 25 year-old brother recently was given the news of testicular azoospermia. This means his testicles are abnormal and can't produce sperm. It's caused by birth defect but he never knew about it till now.

He started crying. In my attempts to try cheering him up, I've listed the benefits such as no longer worrying about paying child support, a girlfriend babytrapping him by poking holes on condoms, accidental pregnancies, etc. I tried telling him to treat this as a blessing, how very lucky he is not to deal with any of that, no more responsibilities nor child support to worry. He got upset and just said ''get out, just get out''.

Usually we're the ones pushing for kids and marriage; most of the times it's the woman's idea. So it was surprising to see him so devastated over his infertile issue. Did I really go overboard with my comments? I was trying to see the benefits and cheer him up base on that. I've never seen a man crying over that.

Updates:
11 mo
This might sound naive but I've always thought several men have a family because of the woman. It's always the woman (because we have a limited biological clock) pushing the man to commit, that if it wasn't for us, men wouldn't care about wanting kids.
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Superb Opinion

  • Bluntly, yes, you went overboard. But, this is something everyone has to learn. Most folks when they receive tragic news want understanding, sympathy, or empathy. They don't actually usually want solutions or bright side unless they ask for it.

    Here's my advice: give him space for a day or two. Then tell him you love him and that you are hugely sorry and ask for his forgiveness. Do not make excuses. Do not try to explain anything. Your apology doesn't mean you were wrong or had bad intentions -- it is only a "sorry" because you hurt him. After that be patient and rebuild your relationship.

    His anger and hurt will lat for a while. This will take time to overcome but you can do it. Just be his support.

    • I hope he can recover from that news. I never knew how that can impact a man to the point of tears.

    • It will take time. For all their manliness and bluster and "I must be strong", men still have emotions and still want the option (the choice) to have children. Having that choice taken away is, like, if you'll excuse the expression, a kick to the...

Most Helpful Guy

  • As others have said, it was not a good time or choice of words. Let him come to terms with it and probably don't say that type of thing as a bonus, just at all. Like telling a person with no legs at least you can't sprain your ankle. If he wants to joke about it, he will start it, but starting it yourself is a bad idea cause you don't know he may love to have one of those problems if it meant having a child. I know I'm that way. One of the reasons I was really reckless in hs was because I wanted kids, and even though I said not til I'm older I was actually okay with the idea of an accident, child support, teen parenting, etc cause fuck then I'd be a dad! Luckily it didn't happen in hs but I definitely left the possibility open more than I should have, cause the negative risks to me just didn't really outweigh the positive.

    • yes he pretty much feels like he robbed out of a choice, out of a life. He wasn't ready for kids yet but he did wanted a child at some point and now the fact that he can NEVER have his own offspring devastated him. Hopefully he can recover.

Most Helpful Girls

  • He's distraught because he likely wanted kids at some point. Just leave him be, he needs to process the trauma

    • Hopefully he'll feel better. Yes he wanted kid. He felt the news was like getting robbed out of a life, out of a choice.

    • Understandable. It's not biology but adoption is possible

  • You might’ve hurt his feelings. Maybe he really wanted to have a kid.

    • yeah he always wanted a child. I didn't mean to hurt him. I was trying to tell him to look on the bright side of things. It didn't work. Hopefully he'll recover from this.

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  • You meant well :-) You don't say the age of your brother.

    There's a difference in public perception about child wish, girls and women are considered normal if they swoon over little babies and express their own desire to have (more) kids themselves, that's how society works. Men are supposed to play the 'tough' guys. Yes, there will always be men that don't want kids and feel 'trapped' when their girlfriend / wife shows a positive pregnancy test, but many more men will like the idea too, they might just not 'think if it too quickly by themselves'.

    Being able to knock their partner up is part of male pride, for 200%. Not being able to do that, ready tomorrow for kids or not, remains a bad feeling, and _even_ people that never might _want_ kids might see it as a limitation of their body.

    I have two kids together with my girlfriend, I'm proud that I could play a useful role in both their conception and their upbringing.

    • I actually did said his age at the beginning of my post. He's 25 years old, 8 years older than me. He was truly devastated when he received that news. He did wanted a child one day.

  • A doctor tells you that our ovaries are producing non-viable eggs and you will never get pregnant, never have a child of your own. You are distraught and in tears. Your brother starts telling you hos great it is what a blessing, etc. Does that cheer you up or get you pissed off?

    You think men don't ultimately want to have a family? You have much to learn.

    • Well you do have a point. I wouldn't like that news at all. This might sound naive and probably a bit of a double standard but since we're the ones usually pushing for marriage and kids and we bond with the baby naturally (after all they're inside our belly for 9 months), that it would be much more devastated for a woman to be infertile than a man. That's why his reaction took me by surprise but yes I'm understanding him now. He really did wanted a child one day and feels that he was robbed out his choice to even decide when, robbed out of a life.

    • Indeed.

  • Your a idiot all u did was confirm he can't have kids iver again when that's why he was sad what a clown

    • As his 17 year-old baby sister, I was just trying to help him, to make him feel better and for him to look on the bright side of things. But yes it was insensitive and immature. I just hope he can heal from that news.

  • Yes guys want kids too and your heart was in the right place but your words... not so much

    • I tried to help him by telling him all the benefits he'll save himself but yes it's bad timing. Hopefully he can recover from this.

    • Yeah he needs time. Just be there for him and treat him like you always have and that can help him recover faster

  • Somehow what you said makes sense, and your intention seems positive, but a fertility issue, even with young people telling they don't want children, remains an instinctively very sensitive topic. No doubt though your brother will get over it and maybe later take advantage of the situation. Nevertheless you should probably keep the issue private. No need to tell everyone.

    • Yes my parents and I are keeping it a secret. He definitely doesn't want anyone in the family nor his friends knowing about it. He's too hurt and devastated.

  • Yeah, your comments were well-intentioned, but he wasn't ready to joke about the situation yet.

    • Hopefully he'll recover from the news.

    • He will, eventually. It just wasn’t quite that time yet 🤷‍♂️

  • Different guys react differently to finding out they are infertile. I was born with CBAVD (congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens) so I an infertile. I just accept it as my reality and yes, you are correct about not having to worry about unexpecteds being a plus.

    • He's still sad about it but hopefully he'll come to terms with it. He has to at some point. He still feels that he was robbed out of a choice, out of a life.

  • What you told to him is the worst thing someone can say in his situation 🤦🏻‍♂️.

    • yeah I was trying to basically tell him to look on the bright side of things, to try getting him to understand that it's not that bad. Wrong timing. Hopefully he can recover from this.

  • You are a fool who has been conditioned into thinking men are just here to fuck.

    • Also, do not post your brothers condition on social media, do not tell all of your friends, and do not bring this up I'm casual conversation with other family.

    • I'm beginning to understand him now. I was naive that I really thought men get less devastated by this news than us girls. It was a hard blow for him. He's so crushed. Only me and my parents know this, no one else. We're not sharing this with anymore.

    • Seriously, I know how hard it is for women to keep a secret, but don't tell your "best friend", or anyone else.

  • Well now he knows that his legacy stops with him since he can not have his own offspring. That is something to cry over don't you think?

    • I've never seen a man so heartbroken over not being able to have kids to the point of tears. It hurt me seeing him that way that I tried to lighten the mood by stating the benefits of having a childfree life and to look on the bright side of things. That only made him feel worse. I hope he can heal from this news. He's sad.

  • he is extra sad cuz he look to build him family in feature... maybe u dont like to have children but he do..

    • I do want kids one day but obviously not now. I'm only 17 years old. Maybe when I'm 24-26 years old. I was trying to cheer him up by stating the benefits of his situation. Hopefully he can recover from this.

  • I get that you were trying to break the tension and making him laugh and that's very sweet but it just wasn't the time. In the face of devastating news, he needs time to process it. So at that moment your joke would more likely come off as insensitive, he's in a very emotional state.
    Just apologise and give him time. When he's ready to talk, just be there and support him.

    • True. Ok maybe I was too insensitive and immature with my comments. I hope he can recover from that news.

  • Men want kids to. Sometimes its ok just to hug someone and not say to much. Its a big deal not being able to have kids. Your motives was positive tho.

  • Is this a joke. This is like my ex telling me the that I can wear speedos nd even if I got hard it wudnt b seen as m tiny.

    • I underestimated the sadness a man can be over this. It was a hard blow for him.

    • It's very sad... When someone is sad the best thing u can do is just listen

  • No you didn't. I just wish nature was more selective and cause this to happen with people who don't deserve to have children.

    • He's still sad about the news. He feels as if nature robbed him out of a choice, a life.

  • If you’re 30, that would’ve been overboard but you’re a teenager so he should factor that in that you’re probably not gonna understand the importance of passing down your legacy and genes. That’s pretty lame he started crying because his little sister made comments about his fertility though.

    • He was already sad and crying so I thought stating all the benefits of having no kids would cheer him up. I was trying to tell him to basically look on the bright side of things but it must have been wrong timing.

    • yeah maybe my comments were indeed immature. I'm 17 years old.

    • I’m kind of surprised that he’s just now finding out about it. But also I understand that you were just trying to make him feel better so he should go easy on you.

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