Guys, do you ever hold back sexually out of fear that you’re degrading your partner?

I noticed when I date guys me they become afraid to slap me or be rough in bed because they think it’s not something people that date should do.
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  • I absolutely started out that way. I learned about sex as a pre-teen from reading men's magazines and 70s sex manuals "borrowed" from the library - but it was mostly informative. I got some needed female perspective which I know made me better at sex. But it was also heavily skewed to "relationship love-making", without many other points of view. One thing I learned was that men should support their own body weight so as not to crush the girl.

    So, the second girl I ever had sex with, maybe the second or third time having sex, literally wrapped her arms and legs around mine (in missionary) trying to pull me down on her. I wasn't even sure what she was doing, and when she told me to lay on top of her, it was really hard for me to do. She was petite and I was afraid to crush her - but she loved to be pinned down by me and feel my weight on her; it was a big turn-on for her. That was my very first inkling that there was more to sex than what I'd read a few years earlier.

    A few years later, I ran into my former roommates' ex-girlfriend. My then-roommate had zero confidence and zero game, but had briefly gotten a bad girl who'd recently been heartbroken by her bad-boy boyfriend, and decided to try dating a "safe guy." Of course it didn't work - he was even too afraid to have sex with her. She felt guilty and wanted to talk about the drama of how that ended, but I told her that I understood, probably better than she imagined.

    I told her that I'd long figured out that, as a strong-willed girl, she needed a strong man to keep her in line and out of trouble, and she especially needed a strong man in the bedroom to make her feel like a desirable woman. "Yes! Oh my god, yes, exactly!" About 15 seconds later, she was all over me, and I thought I was being rough with her because I pulled her hair, spanked her, and pinned back her arms (which she loved), but I was still pretty innocent to dominance and BDSM-type stuff.

    She wanted to be fucked HARD, but more than that, she wanted her face and tits slapped (and not gently!), her hair pulled REALLY hard, and for me to choke her and call her names. I have to be honest - my first slaps were weak as hell, and she was not happy, but I was terrified of going too far. I quickly learned that, with her, "too far" was a LONG way away. As much as I thought I understood what she wanted - and in general terms I did - I didn't understand the "how much", and I struggled at first, but she guided me along, and soon she was getting what she wanted, and I had a new understanding of how far things could go. A lot of my "firsts" happened with her - mostly things that fall under the categories of "rough" or "degrading" - but she kept coming back for more and more... for about 3 months. Then she met a guy she wanted to date (her and I were never romantic - it was all about wild, rough sex with us), and I think I only saw her one more time after that. But she opened a whole new world for me. I didn't even realize how true that was until a few years ago.

Most Helpful Guy

  • I can only speak for myself as a respectful male, but that's not something I'm into. At all. Not all guys are into that sort of thing, so not every guy is going to want to hit a woman. 😕 A guy holding back isn't necessarily him being shy about it, most times it's because he's really uncomfortable with it. You shouldn't assume guys are into that sort of thing.

    Personally, I think it's degrading and it leaves little room for a woman's dignity and self-worth over time. I find it sad that some women feel they need to be hit and roughed up in order to get off or feel attractive, to feel validated or feel worthy of a guy's attention. So if a guy seems hesitant about doing something like that, it's more than likely because he's uncomfortable with it. Some guys just don't feel it's right to hit a woman. Even in a consensual roleplaying situation.

    Additionally, there can be real legal ramifications for guys who participate in that sort of thing as well. Even as a mutual and "well-intentioned" act, what if he's rough with her and slaps her, and leaves marks on her - with her consent - but then they get in an argument about something and the relationship ends badly. Out of spite, she could use the marks he created that she consented to in the moment, and then she could tell the police that he beat her. Especially if she ever took photos of the marks he left on her. These are the things that can happen. People get into that sort of act and things can go wrong really fast.

    Also, what if he goes too far with it? What if it starts out fine, but he starts getting really aggressive and abusive about it? And not in a "fun" way (I know that can be a kink for some people), but in a very real and scary way? Sometimes I think some of these things can seem "hot" and "perfectly fine" as a concept, but in practice it's not always the best idea.

    You've got to do you I guess, but a guy being apprehensive about hitting you isn't necessarily him just being coy or prudish. It can be a really uncomfortable thing to be asked to do. Especially if he respects women and doesn't want to hit them.

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What Guys Said

(55)
  • I have been in this situation. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I have lost my arousal before trying to satisfy someone that way. I do not enjoy it.

    • Thank you for being honest :)

  • Just communicate well about it. I’ve been surprised how “far” some women want to go but if it’s fun, respectful, and within boundaries everybody is comfortable with then have fun with it. I love pushing the boundaries with my girl but she also knows we can stop or slow down anything anytime. Trust is key.

  • No because all this is talk about and discussed, as to what each likes and how we like it,

    this thing of trust and respect.

    this means you can go all out to the limits agreed.

    which can be well beyond slapping or being rough in sex.

  • Lol, lol, LOL, serious, what you apologize for turning her on And make excuses cause your junk just happen to squeeze into her slit, and with each stroke you say this is in no way indicating that i think less of you, i mean serious, and she's there screaming will you just fuck me already god damnit you wuss, degrade me already call me a slut just make me Cum You idiot, punk, get off me,

  • You know, not all guys are into slapping and rough sex, many just want to have a nice intimate sex with a human being

  • I constantly hold back, and it constantly bites me in the ass, can't break whats built into me though

  • Yes I do because I´m afraid I lose respect for her in our private life and I´m not always sure she´s into it. I´d therefore rather treat her as a lady in private life and never get into a serious relationship with her than being accused of rape or something similar.

  • Of course we do lol. We're not born freaks like y'all females seem to be lol. We dont hit puberty and crave degradation and abuse like girls do. And we dont crave the opposite complimentary stuff either, such as dominance and masochism or w/e. Qnd dont tell me they dont! Lmao just cuz I'm a man doesn't mean i dont know.

    It seems to me like so many women CRAVE this stuff. At the same time, most men are incapable of doing so. We have to learn how. I haven't heard of many guys who were freaks right out the puberty gate like I have girls.

  • I've known my partner for 16 years now. I know her limits and are careful to never cross them.
    Still, I'm pretty dominant and she LOVES it, when I go domme over her.

  • Yeah I do definitely hold back in the beginning because I’m very wild and sensual. Not everyone likes the same thing so I try to figure out their preference and style so I can match it.


    Usually I let out my true performance over time such as roughness, speed, aggression, unique positions, etc.

    • Makes sense!

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